How to Get Along with My 8 Year Old Daughter?

Get the book "chicken soup for the kids soul". The book has very short, sweet, touching stories. Every night before bed my girls and I would read a story then we would just chit chat about their days (the stories are thought provoking). We would lie in bed with the lights out and just talk. I feel I really got to know my girls through this and we all have fond memories of this time we spent together.

When my son was that age I went through something similar to this. He was being extra difficult in life and I felt like we were butting heads a lot. I was often trying to get him to do what he was supposed to (homework, a shower, get ready in the morning) and he was often resisting me and being impossible. I would feel angry with him. I did feel like he was pulling away and at the same time I was not enjoying him or enjoying being around him. I learned from a therapist to let more things go and let him take more responsibility for things. Not to care so much. That sounds odd...and it seemed a bit sad to me but it worked. I stopped being so invested in the homework and started letting him get consequences at school if needed. I stopped trying to fight him on things. I still would have my say, but then I would pick my battle as they say and just let it go if he wanted to fight me on it. For example if your daughter does not want to wear a jacket can she stick it in her backpack to please you in case she wants it later? If she does not want to do that just let it go. Let her be cold. She will learn from that. The other thing I learned is my son was not turning into the kind of kid I wished him to be...and I had to accept him for who he is and love those things about him. If your daughter is the kind of girl who grows up wanting to look like a hippie boy then embrace that. Don't criticize her. I wanted to learn to love my son how he is...I asked him what he would like for us to do together. He wanted to sit with me once a day and teach me how to play a video game or teach me how to animate with his animation software. We started doing this daily and I just listened, asked questions, and then really began having fun with him. This daily bonding (doing something I NEVER would normally do...and something that I previously found annoying) helped a LOT. He is 12 now and our relationship is completely different and really great. He is always making me laugh. He feels like he can talk to me about things in life. Good luck. Being a parent is hard.

It's hard. My daughter is 8 too and we have some similar issues. First of all, you kind of just have to let some stuff go. Force yourself to bite your tongue, you will feel better at the end of the day, I promise. This is the age where they really assert themselves with style and attitude and opinions and it's OK! As far as things like the jacket issue...let it go. She has to decide if she's hot or cold. If she doesn't take a jacket and she's cold, she will survive and she might take a jacket next time. Or you could say something like, are you going to wear long sleeves or take a jacket? Or...Are you going to wear your jacket or carry it today?

You aren't losing your little girl, she's just changing. My daughter has some crazy curls in her hair and she's terrible about brushing it. For a while I would harp on her every morning and I was making her feel bad...so now I just say, have you looked in the mirror? If she says yes, I say okay great! Inside I want to just brush her hair myself, but I can't. She has to figure this stuff out and there's way worse stuff than her going to school with a rat's nest (or a flannel shirt!) In 20 years you will look at that spring picture and remember what she was like at 8 years old.

Reconnect by doing the things she likes. Ask her what she wants to do, tell her you and going to have special day together to do things she likes. If there's a certain show she likes, record it and set aside time on the weekends to watch it together, go get ice cream, or go on a bike ride or whatever!

This isn’t really about her. This isn’t about “optimism” or being “laid back”. It’s not.

It’s about you. You said it yourself. You’re “loosing” your little girl. You’re losing the LITTLE, not the girl.

She is not you. You REALLY have to internalize this big time. She. Is. Not. You.

I hate to say this –but the picture thing? That was really not ok, and hurtful. She DOES look like herself. She doesn’t look like the “herself” YOU want her to look like.

Puberty is just around the corner, so hormones could be surging. She’s young, but again, she’s getting older. Time to “let go” of some decisions. Also maybe talk to her like she’s a “young woman” when tensions aren’t high. The relationship is changing and you have an opportunity to make it go in a good way or a bad way. Being upset that she’s not JUST like she was when she was little is NOT going to make that happen, AT ALL.

Love and logic approach (hit google) learn from experience. Things you need to let her deal with are things where you have to realize that SHE is NOT you. For example - The coat – if it’s not freezing, let her choose. I run cold, my son runs hot. If he doesn’t want to wear a coat, I’ll put it in the car, but I’ll let him decide (as long as it’s not a VERY cold day).

She is picking on the fact that you feel like she isn’t how you want her to be and responding to it. You need to find a way to accept who she is, that she’s not little anymore, and that she’s not you. I’m guessing things will change a bit once she doesn’t get that vibe anymore. And it’s there – it’s in this post. You have to breathe, reign this in, and create a relationship based on helping her become HER best self.

Choose your battles.
Butting heads is common.
If you think it's bad now - just wait 4 or so years - it'll get worse.
The coat thing?
Let it go.
If she doesn't wear one and is cold? She'll learn to wear one next time.
Let her suffer the consequences of her decisions.
Try hard not to say "I told you so".

Try to ask yourself internally "so what if she <what ever it is she wants try>? I'm going to let her find out what happens when she does that" - and let nature take it's course.
You sit back and relax and let her figure it out.
Of course if it's something dangerous she wants to do you don't let her do that.
A simple "No, that's not going to happen" and if there's any argument she can go to her room to sulk about it till she's over it.
When you say NO - mean it and do not accept any argument or backtalk.

She's going to try a lot of looks over the years.
Some will be better than others.
Most of us have some pics of ourselves as teens that we're embarrassed to show our kids.
It's the stuff grandparents laugh about.

Lose your frustration - relax - let certain things go - and do something for yourself every so often.
We are NOT extensions of our kids - be your own person.

You ask two questions really - how to get along better with your daughter and find a connection, and also how to be more optimistic and laid back.

Do you feel you have to be like your husband in order to have a connection with her? Because that's not realistic or really healthy. I would let that go. There's no point in pursuing that.

As for finding a connection - some of it is personality based I think. My kids are all so different. Some are much more like my husband, some more like me. They go through phases too.

The key I have found it to accept them the way they are and try to find an interest that you can enjoy together. I just look for opportunities like that. Baking, playing a game, watching a show, etc.

I was very close with my father growing up. He and I were two peas in a pod. I then became very close with my mother as an adult. She was the tired cranky mom that so many of us are. My dad was like a superhero, coming in at the end of the day, and we thought he was so cheery. I think that's pretty typical. Moms get the short end of the stick sometimes.

I'm home too. Do stuff for yourself so you can recharge, and then do something fun when your daughter gets home. I get all the housework done and supper before the kids get home so I can be 'fun' too.

good luck and keep us posted :)

ETA: Love 2kidmama's advice. Excellent.

I think you need to accept your daughter for who she is, instead of trying to insist that she conform to your image of her.

She is growing up. Sometimes, as a mom, it's hard to see it and really accept it. I get it. I look at my 9 year old, and sometimes I still see my toddler. But, I can't treat him like a toddler, and you can't treat your 8 year old like a toddler. She gets to make her own decisions, as long as her safety/health isn't jeoparidized, and she's not hurting anyone else.

For both your sakes, please learn to love her for who she is. This week, she might be a hippie little tomgirl who doesn't want to wear a jacket. In a year, she might want to wear lip gloss and be begging you for Ugg boots year round. In a few years, she might decide she wants to try out a goth look. If you can't look past that, into her heart, and love her for the person she really is instead of criticising her for who she's not, you have a long hard road ahead as you move into the teen years.

One, pick your battles. Just because you think it's chilly she may feel different. Why waste time and energy arguing over a jacket? When I worked at the elementary school I was often bundled up in 40 degree weather while some of the kids ran around in shorts! Kids run hotter than us, that's all, let it go.
As far as her appearance, well she IS growing up, and she is her own person. You can't have expected her to stay a little baby doll forever. So she's a tomboy right now. I was at that age too. Then by the time I was eleven I was obsessed with lip gloss and earrings. It happens, girls go through many phases on their journey to becoming women.
I hope you are able to learn how to embrace and love your daughter for who she is, not just who she was, or you thought she would be.

Parenting is about transitions. It seems to be constant. She clearly is forming her choices to prefer a "laid-back" style. While I understand, it's not your thing, it's good that your aware of and analyzing what is happening. One of my children I'm closer to, I think we all have that issue to some degree. You probably need to start figuring out what she's about and enter that world. Pick your battles carefully and nurture your relationship. Hang in there Mama!

I agree with Tori. You have to pick your battles. Our nine-year-old daughter is becoming challenging. I never seem to do anything right, according to her.

Figure out what is critical and what isn't. If she's too cold or hot due to her clothing choices, so be it. However, if she's making dangerous or bad choices (for instance, wanting Doritos only for dinner), put your foot down. You don't have to be the fun parent to be a good one.

And don't beat yourself up over the school picture. Kids today get so much positive feedback about everything. You were being honest and not mean (you didn't say she looked ugly or anything really rude ... just that it didn't really look like her).

Remember that you are the adult. You're in charge, yes, but you are also supposed to be the more mature person. That means you stop talking first. You don't get drawn into arguments with a child. You don't always need to make a point or be right. You must also grow a thick skin so her childish words don't hurt (or so you can pretend they don't).

Here is a biggie: Learn how and when to apologize when you're wrong, like making that photo comment. Tell her you were wrong, that you know it was mean, and are sorry. Tell her you're trying to not be so negative.

If it isn't life-or-death, don't pick a fight. If she doesn't wear a coat and gets chilly - oh well. She will wear a coat next time. If she doesn't get chilly, then she will continue to use her own judgement as it has been shown to be reliable.

You have to change some of your negative personality traits so that you can be the mom she needs you to be. See a therapist if you must, but you have to stop trying to make her be the kid you wished she was and start enjoying the one you have.

Talk to your husband about it and take his advice on how to handle some things that seem to work well between them. This shouldn't be him vs you, but the two of you as a team. When something is super important parenting-wise, the two of you need to be in agreement and back eachother up.

Kids at this age are, rightfully, exerting their independence. They are trying the world on for size, learning to navigate. As they should. She's getting older. It's natural for her to test her boundaries. It's frustrating, but it's normal. You don't want a completely dependent, deferential teen girl going on dates with guys who will take advantage of her, you don't want a useless 18 year old going to college, right? So how do you think kids develop these skills? They practice. They start at 4, continue at 7 and 10 and 13... You get the picture.

You cannot have the goal of "being inseparable"! You can't. You're the mom - you're not the party time parent, you are her role model. That means she's not always going to agree with you. And kids often have more conflict with the parent who is there all the time - that's you.

You have too much invested here, in a couple of things, the wrong things. You have to let go of some things, and stop going to every fight you're invited to. So listen, if she doesn't wear a jacket, one of 2 things will happen: 1) she will be fine, or 2) she will get chilly and decide to put the coat back on or at least not make that mistake again. What's the worse that could happen? (And don't say, "She'll get sick" - short of hypothermia or exposure, that's just an old folk tale.) So you compromise - the jacket gets shoved in her backpack or tossed in the car, and then you stop discussing it. If she complains that's she's cold, you don't belittle her by saying, "I TOLD you to..." - you say, "How unfortunate for you that you didn't bring a jacket." And that is it. Nothing further. Don't engage her in a fight no matter how hard she tries.

Yes, as you know, you were totally wrong to say anything bad about the pictures. Everyone has a bad photo now and then - Ellen Degeneres does a whole segment every week on bad photos, and that's when people send in photos far worse that what you're talking about. And she DOES look like herself, just not as you wish her to look. Let it go. This is not a hill to die on! It's a photo - just don't buy them if you don't like them, or see if there is a picture "re-take" day for all the other kids who have bad photos or those who were absent. Otherwise stop. You sent her to school on picture day in a flannel shirt, so you can't very well complain about it.

The other thing is to stop asking an 8 year old to evaluate whether you are "good enough" at your job. It's not her job to thank you - it's your job to show her that she gets more of what she wants by behaving well, and less of what she wants (whether it's privileges or your time) when she acts up beyond belief.

The rest of this is your anxiety, your need to compare yourself to your husband, and your probably very faulty evaluation of how she feels about your husband vs. you. He needs to show you, in front of her, how much he respects you, and you need to take a page from his book of supporting her more on the small things like photos and so on. You might consider some short term counseling to get to the root of your anxiety and concerns, and get on top of them.

Pick your battles. She doesn't want to wear a jacket? Fine. She knows if she's cold or not. And if she doesn't wear a jacket and gets cold, then she will wear a jacket next time. Natural consequences.

She doesn't look like herself because she doesn't look like you want her to? Let that go.

Sounds like you need to take some Love and Logic classes. If she doesn't want to wear a jacket she'll be cold. She stays cold long enough she's going to remember to put her own coat on without being reminded.

She wants to do her own thing? Sometimes it's not out of the question for her to do that.

She'll look back on her school pictures one day and laugh. We all do. She might also be discovering who she really likes to be, that's not always our little girl.

I'd say that you need to recognize her for who she is becoming and accept that she is turning into a new individual every single day, even the person she was yesterday is gone and a new one emerged today. Then fun fun fun, adolescence is just through the next door. Weeks or months left and she'll be that mood swinging angry pre-teen. Half a Midol will be your friend, for her.