Bear with me, as this is going to be long. My sister is 23 years old and has been living with my husband, son, and I since August. She graduated college in May, and is currently working for Campus Crusade for Christ. We told her that in an effort to help her out (since her pay only comes from people donating to her fund) she could live with us. We told her that she wouldn't have to pay "rent" as such, but that we expected her to pay for her utilities used, a small portion of our son's preschool, and a little extra for food that she may eat (since she is allowed to have dinner with us any night she wants). We also asked that she just help us out here and there by taking our son to preschool if she was around, cleaning up after herself, etc. She said that she would like to cook dinner for us once a week, and that everything we had agreed to sounded fine. Every month she pays us $100 to live here, and I thought that was being extremely generous on our part as we have NO extra money for ourselves, let alone anyone else.
The problems arose pretty quickly with her, as she has a VERY strong personality. She consistently disciplined my son while I was there and able to, and disciplined him for unnecessary things (i.e. trying to get an extra piece of chocolate or something small like that). I put that to a stop early on by reminding her that I was the parent, and she didn't need to do that, but occasionally, it still happens. She rarely cleans up her dishes, never helps me unload the dishwasher, and when I ask her to clean "her" bathroom (our guest bathroom), I usually get asked why I didn't do it since I am home all day and have the time! (While that is true, she is the only one who uses that bathroom and it is the one that our guests use.)
She will ask if I want help during the cooking time (knowing that I cook alone), but never help to clean up things after dinner. She has cooked for us ONCE since being here, and while that doesn't bother me, what does is that she often times complains about what we are eating! Tonight she got all upset that we are having leftovers AGAIN and had the nerve to tell me that she pays us money every month so that we can feed her and that she wants a "decent meal" some night (basically she said that I cook when she is gone and she always has to eat leftovers...we NEVER do leftovers on nights she is here).
She will tell our son things that he can do (i.e. play the Wii with her) without asking first if he is even allowed (that is a privilege he looses when he misbehaves), and then makes my husband and I look like the bad guys by saying things like, "he's only 4, that's a harsh punishment." She has only taken our son to preschool 2 times all year, and she has an opinion about everything we do in this house, and judges the way we live quite frequently. She will be moving out May 6, but I feel like we have been 100% taken advantage of. I have talked to my mom about how disrespectful and rude she is, but my mom doesn't want to take sides. I understand this, but it is at the point where I am about ready to kick her out. I wouldn't take this behavior from my child, let alone someone who I am helping.
My question is this: do I just keep my mouth shut and try and make peace for the next 3 weeks, or do I sit down with her tonight and explain to her how disrespectful she has been? Obviously this has been building up for quite some time. I feel like we have put our family's life on hold for year by having her here and she doesn't realize how good she really has it. Thanks so much ladies!
M.
P.S. My hubby feels the exact same way I do and almost kicked her out a few weeks ago when she offered to let people from Crusade stay at our house while we were gone that she doesn't know. We are all for hospitality, but she had offered our home without asking us and was going to have them sleep in our beds. Thank God it didn't happen because I think my husband would have killed her!
Thank you all for making me feel like I am not crazy and self-centered! If nothing else, I think it feels better just knowing that I am not nuts! (Although being 21 weeks pregnant isn't helping!) My husband and I have decided to take the high road and just try and ignore her and her issues. If she says anything inappropriate, we are going to deal with it then and let her know that it isn't her place. I will give her credit that the night that she called out my parenting in front of my son (and I told her that was inappropriate), she apologized later for her actions which was very much appreciated. Hopefully we can get through the next few weeks without killing each other! :)
If you can last out this last 3 weeks it may be worth it to keep the peace. But, if she crosses any other lines I would tell you point blank how rude she is being. I think from the sounds of things I would have kicked her out a long time ago!
I am the same age as your sister (23), but I have 2 children in diapers. I can honestly tell you that having a conversation with her about this will only lead to a very hostile relationship with your beloved sister for years to come--it's not worth it. My sisters both had children for years before I did, and I was a complete brat to them and didn't understand why they thought their lives were SO much harder than mine. They never said anything to me except "you'll understand when you have kids..."
Now, we all get together and just laugh at how naive and bratty I was. I'm very thankful that they didn't confront me when I was a child-less college student, because it saved our relationships. The 3 of us are now the best of friends (we get together with our mom for Girls' Night every Wednesday, and spend hours drinking martinis and giggling our heads off). She will not understand until she is a mom and wife herself--just bite your tongue for the next 3 weeks and never invite her to live with you again haha
I disagree with the previous poster suggesting this is typical for her age. If she's a Christian, first of all, she surely isn't leading a good example of one. Secondly, she is taking advantage of you and your family life and because she is your sister, you have the responsibility to sit her down and remind her of the "agreement" that was made when she first moved in. She has no idea how good she has it. $100 a month, and that is all? My sister moved in with me and my family for about 4 months a few years ago when she lost her apartment after a major hurricane. She had nowhere else to go, so naturally, I let her move in with us. I love my sister, and know her very well, and I never had to have an agreement with her. She was working full time and going to college at the time, so she was hardly home because on her "off" days, she was with her boyfriend, who is now her husband. Even though she was hardly home, my sister gave us $400.00 a month! I never asked for it, never expected it, and I felt terribly guilty for taking it...but she wanted to do it, felt it was the right thing to do...my sister was 25 years old; she even cleaned my house. So no, it's not the typical thing for someone of that age. My sister didn't take advantage of me and my family, she was very responsible. Your sister needs to live on her own for a while. She needs to understand what it means to be responsible. Yes, she's young but lots of "older" people take advantage of others as well. Your sister had a free ride, I hope she enjoyed it while it lasted but you really ought to sit down with her and lovingly tell her how this situation has made you feel.
After another hurricane we had, our neighbor had lost a good portion of their roof. She and her husband were much, much older than me and my husband at the time. My husband felt sorry for them and felt the right thing to do was to allow them to stay with us. They did. For 31 days. They ate our food, used our electricity, used our water, washed their clothes in my washer/dryer. Never gave us a dime. NO contribution for any utilities. The wife came grocery shopping with me and although I told her I expected her to pay for her things, she put her things in my cart and never payed me back. The bragged about getting money from the Salvation Army and insurance company but never once offered to help us out. So, it just goes to show that age has nothing to do with it. These people had the means to help us but chose not to. Why I didn't say anything to them is because I expected my husband to say something since it was he who invited them into our home. He never said anything, it caused great conflict between us, but it was also a lesson learned: even if there is an "understanding," things can still go wrong.
Dependency breeds hostility. You sound like a carbon copy of my sister and me. My sister is the opposite of me in most ways and the only thing we really have in common is that we were born of the same parents.
I think your lines of what should happen in the house were a bit blurred and that's why she ended up stepping on your toes so much. Even though she was only paying you a pittance to live there, which you agreed to as a favor to her, you should have treated the arrangement more like a tenant-landlord situation than some weird family-rental-hybrid mutant agreement that obviously didn't work out.
It should have been, more like, "This is your room, this is your bathroom, this is your shelf in the fridge. You're responsible for keeping your areas clean. You can eat with us when you wish, and if you chose not to join us for dinner you have free use of the kitchen, but please clean up any dishes you use." Period. I would not have expected her to cook for the family or take care of your kid in any way. Making picking up your son a part of the rental arrangement only opens the doors for her to take liberties else-ware, like discipline and whatnot.
I have to say you're braver than I am though. I know I couldn't live with my sister again. Hard enough when we were kids. One of us would end up buried in the backyard after a month.
Bite that tongue--HARD if you have to. It's only 3 weeks and even POW's can tolerate extreme torture if they know there is an end in sight. This is a "live and learn" lesson, to be sure!
I don't think you will gain anything by sitting her down now and telling her she has been disrespectful. Each behavior should have been addressed as soon as it arose. It's too late to fix that now.
I suggest that you keep the peace and finish out the 3 weeks. You know the saying, "Education isn't cheap." You have now learned a very important lesson. My husband and I have always said that we would never let anyone "live" with us for an extended period of time. It RARELY works out well....... So just look at this as a lesson learned and move on.
PS> After reading your ps I wanted to add. I COMPLETELY agree with you! I would be upset about the whole thing too. But my husband always reminds me that I am only hurting myself when I hold a grudge...... So I try to just let things go that are not in my control. If you want to have a heart to heart, go ahead. But refrain from "pointing your finger" at her and telling her how horrible she was as she will just get defensive. Be sure to highlight some of the good things (there must be one or two right....lol) that came from this as well.
I would just leave it and count it a blessing that she moves out in 3 weeks!! I bet you that once she is out on her own she will have a different perspective of all that you have done for her.
Just let it go! It's not worth the trouble ~
She sounds very childish - is she the youngest in the family? Very self-centered - egocentric. She will have to grow up pretty quickly wherever she is moving to.
At this point she's behaved like a big baby for the last 9 months - do you really think she's going to change for these last 3 weeks living in your house? Just go about your life. Don't include her in dinner plans, pretend she's a stranger - she certainly acts like one.
Don't bother even talking to her. I can predict what will happen - she'll be defensive, you'll try to explain your position - you'll both say things that you don't want to say and you'll feel bad about later. It's bound to create more hard feelings on both side. The least said the sooner you can forget all about it. bleah - bad taste in your mouth!!!
As for CCC thing - i know many wonderful Godly people who work for the organziation - I personally support the organziation financially - they do a great job all over the work - not just at college campuses, but with the military, in "closed" countries, etc.. But being a "missionary" type organziation they do attract a small % of people who think it's an easy way to make it through life - but it's a very small percentage of the people who work in the organization.
I completely understand your frustration, but her behavior is not really that strange for someone her age. She's at that point in her life when she thinks she's supposed to know a lot more than she does. Many new college graduates act superior because they are afraid to admit they still have a lot to learn. Also, she's not married and doesn't have any kids. She really does think you have nothing to do all day (yeah, right).
I don't see an upside to saying anything to her. Life will show her her mistakes. Goodness knows I'm embarassed for my behavior at that age. And, seriously, what did I do with my spare time? What is spare time? I wouldn't know, and I only have 2 kids!
Hang in there for a few weeks, and I think you'll be glad you didn't say anything. You will most likely have a much better relationship with her if you let her come to that realization on her own.
She is childish and irresponsible and it is good she is moving out. However she is still your sister. Do your best to try and keep a good relationship with her, let her move out and lesson learned...
It's funny, my brother lived with us when he finished college for 9 months. Totally different experience. We LOVED having him. He helped my husband with renovations projects (he's an engineer). He helped cook and clean, and never butted in on how we did things. We never charged him anything (he was super broke after school and while we were not flush with cash, we were at least ok). But he also consistently chipped in for groceries and insisted on taking us and our kids out to dinner a few times. It was a really nice experience. After he moved out, my husband and I took a class together at our church and he babysat for us for free many times.
But anyways, get your little brat out of there and try to move past it. She's still your sister...
PS I would have killed someone if she had strangers in my house. KILLED...
Not sure if I understand right but... is she leaving in 3 weeks? If she is then you have the easy way out by not saying anything and keep the peace.
However, if you wish for her to grow as an adult, then you need to speakup and tell her you feel she's been disrepectful. Sounds to me that she has a lot of growing up to do.
She needs to be reminded of who's in charge at YOUR house...
It sounds like she's 23 and never has lived on her own as a real adult. She seems immature and childish. That will go away at some point in the future and then you'll be able to have a sister type relationship. I say just love her and let it go. She is your sister and kicking her out would only alienate her and cause a horrible rift in your family.
Did she take advantage? Yes, did she fail to keep her agreement? Yes, but it's way to late now to even address it. In 3 weeks she'll be gone and you'll have your home back.
It takes a village to raise a child and all my friends correct each others kids. We are all very different when it comes to parenting styles too. I am the dictator and my bff is very lenient and lax. we get along though and the kids mind all of us.
You have done a wonderful thing by letting her stay with you during this time. If there is ever a next time assign her a night to cook and remind her when you sit down to make the weekly menu. Say something like, What are you cooking on Monday so I can get the groceries.
Zip it for four weeks-then write her a letter if you want. I am on your side-I feel she has taken advantage of you-yes. Let her move out and see what it is like to come home to a dirty bathroom and an empty frig. I'm sure how she has treated you will weigh heavily on her. Remember-you can't unring a bell-once the words are spoken-it is impossible to take them back-and someday you will need her-and when your mother is old, you will want her to live with your sister.
What does your husband think you should do?
Perhaps since he is a bit more removed from the situation (not his sibling) he might have a more objective opinion on how to handle things.
If he wants her gone, too, then I would ask her to leave immediately. If he's neutral I'd probably wait it out for the sake of long-term family harmony.
Good luck - hope this comes to a relatively peaceful resolution.
Oops - seeing your PS answers my question! :)
I'm surprised you didn't kick her out earlier. However, I do think it's a little too late. Why bother saying anything if you haven't said anything in the past to resolve the issues. Just let her be and let her be on her way in 3 weeks. :)
If she is leaving in 3 weeks, I do not think there is a need for a big confrontation. That being said, you do not need to hold your tongue every time. When she complains about dinner, say "You can choose what the meal is when YOU prepare it. If you don't like this, make yourself a sandwich." (Just say it in a matter of fact voice). Same thing with disciplining your son, say "I am his parent, please leave the disciplining to me." Go ahead and stand up for yourself. You don't have to make a big scene about it, but you will feel better if you aren't holding back every time she does something that bugs you. And make sure she really is going to be gone in 3 weeks- don't let her extend it!
I personally would consider what is the upside to talking to her, what is the downside. It is clear she was irresponsible and you have a right to talk to her. Thing is what will you get from that other than to get it off your chest.
I don't mean for you to just take my examples. What I mean is make a list, pros and cons. After all only you know what they are. Rate them or give each one value. When your done just add them up and you have your answer.
My BIL was in Campus Crusade for Life for years and we got requests for money ever single month for years. He left that organization and now is an atheist (he divorced his wife). He is still mooching tons of money from his mom who is in failing health. My BIL is now completely estranged from my husband and we are not really sure why...at first I though it was because we never gave him money for CCC, but now that he is not religious at all, I am not sure what happened. What I am trying to say is that your sister reminds me of my BIL in that he really believes he should be given stuff without actually earning it. I am not saying CCC had anything to do with this directly as I do not know a lot about the group, but the pattern of requesting donations and then being passive-aggressive with family members seems to be something that both your sister and my BIL exhibited. I could never understand this as it did not seem like Christian behavior to me.
I do think you should have a very direct conversation with your sister, but be prepared to have some negative outcomes. As I said, my husband and his brother are completely estranged and my husband never said one negative thing about CCC to his brother. It seems to me your sister has been using you and if you do not stand up to her, that attitude will continue, even after she leaves your home. Good luck.
