How to Deal with Meddling Friends and Family

L.,

I have two sons, 4 and 21 months. Quite honestly, I would step in BEFORE they do and correct your little guy when he does take a toy away from his cousins. Beat them to the punch, so to speak. At 2, he should be learning to share and we teach our 21 month old to share with his brother (and vice versa, lol).

About yelling at your son, no one has the right to "yell" at a child other than their own. Actually, we have taken the approach to not "yell" at our boys. In the situation you described, if another child were to take something from one of my sons as a baby, I would have gently said to the 2 y/o, "Honey, Ryan was playing with that. Could you please give it back and play with your other toy?" I'd give him/her a different toy in exchange for giving the one back.

If another adult did "yell" at one of my sons, I would very very calmly but firmly say, "Please don't talk to my son that way." I would then go over to my son and ask him to give back the toy that he took.

Good luck!

Edited to add: Please don't take my post to mean that we walk around with our heads in the clouds just talking calmly and nicely to our boys as they hit each other with sticks or throw rocks at each other. Lol. But, we save what I call our "Mom and Dad voices" for things that warrant a raised voice...like when my 4 y/o ran towards the street this weekend. Taking a toy away, IMVHO, doesn't warrant my Mom Voice. :)

Hi L.,

You have a right to speak up and tell them it's not ok to yell at your son. It's fairly common knowledge that 2 year-olds are not the best at sharing. I would just say something like 'Thanks, but I'll handle it' then gently explain to your son that he can't take things away. I would then tell your friends/cousins that they should just wait until their babies are 2, and see how easy it is to get them to share. Moms often think their kids would never do this or that until the child reaches that stage.

Well, you have a couple of options. If you are too shy to say anything, you could write/ e-mail them how you feel or you could just not come around. Unfortunately, it's not a pretty situation and it's obviously something that is bothering you. Outside of direct confrontation, you are kinda stuck either dealing with it or finding a way to address it, even if it means not being around them. The good news is that once they have a 2 year old, their opinions might change. First-time Mom's have a reputation for just this reason. We think that we know all once we are Mom's and we are overprotective, overbearing and adamant about what is right and what is wrong. It's just the way it goes. It's not until you have muliple kids that you calm down...well, in many ways. :) Anyway, hang in there. You will figure out how to handle this.

It's not their job to disipline him in any way. That's YOUR job. DO IT!!! Then they won't have too. Sharing is the greatist thing you can teach your child in life. If he can share, he can give of himself throughout his life. Take the item away from him. If he cries (and he will) so be it. He must learn. Stay firm and take everything away that he won't share or play together with the cousins. Ask those moms how they got their kids to share. Not over indulging the child helps too. You can also bring your child to the other houses. Teach him how important it is that the other children SHARE. He'll get the drift.

First.....I understand your fustration.
Second, as hard as it is to imagine....your 2yr old's behavior is absolutely NORMAL. I suspect that in another year you will have the big laugh when its their child grabbing whatever they want and not sharing.

In the meantime, spend time with your son at home with his sibling getting him to "help" and share with her. It will set the stage for his behavior to improve towards the other children. Maybe it will help you understand his actions if you get a book that talks about what to expect from a 2yr old. there are lots on the market and your local library should have several to choose from.

As for the adults.....its hard to let them walk all over you....do your best to stand up to them and explain how you feel and that you would prefer it if they allow you to help your child understand what is right and wrong. I would hate to see you give up your friends because of this, as time goes on, both you and they will make the adjustments to parenthood and now that you have the experience of multiple children and they don't you will be a valuable resource for them in the future.

Stick with it.....things get better!

You are your child's advocate at this point. Even if you are shy, you have to be able to speak out for your children. Other parents yelling at your two-yr old is wrong. Sharing is VERY difficult for a 2-yr old. I have a 4-yr old and a 2 yr old. Most of the "fights" they have are b/c they don't want to share with each other. Nonetheless, yelling at someone else's child is totally inappropriate. Remind him he has to share - have his favorite toys available to him. However, if you are at someone else's house, even if you bring his favorite toys he will like the "new" toys. So, try distracting him with other toys or walk him around to look at something - something out a window or in a different room. But don't let other parents yell at your child. Explain to them that he doesn't need to be yelled at just reminded about sharing. That he is still learning and that is a skill that takes a while.

Time to find some friends who also have two year olds!

2 year olds don't understand how to share. My soon to be 7 year old still forgets how to share from time to time. Be patient and as for your friends...what goes around comes around. They will get their share of toy stealing and fighting; especially when their kids get a little older or when baby #2 comes along.

Sorry you are dealing with this. I've been there too. 2 yr. olds are developmentally not ready to understand the sharing concept. They are at the "mine" stage of their life where they are very egocentric. Thats nothing bad on your part that is just where they are at developmentally. You can always try to step in and redirect your child and try to explain sharing but they are not going to totally get it. As for dealing with your fam and friends, you can try to explain this to them. I'm sure you can look up develop. milestones online if you need to give them proof. I learned this in child development classes when I was in school so that is where my brain picked it up. I too have 2 little ones, a 3 yr. old boy and a 1 yr. old girl. Quite frankly I'm sure you are tired of jumping up everytime your kids get into something. I know I am. Good luck. Hang in there and know that there is nothing wrong with your 2 yr. old.

Hi L.- I sympathize with you. My daughter has always had a difficult time with sharing. Kids do take their play time very seriously. I've never had anybody yell at my child but I am always quick to intervene when I see a situation arising. I've also noticed that she gets along and shares very well with children that are about a year or two older than her. I think sometimes they can get very frustrated with younger children and of course they don't have much patience. I would try getting together with some kids that are a liitle older and see how she does. Sometimes I think they learn a laot by the example of older kids. I have also read that children don't really understand the concept of sharing until they are about 4 years old. I'm still working on it and my daughter is 3 1/2. She has gotten better but it is still difficult for her. Good luck. Hang in there- it takes a long time and a lot of practice and patience.

L.
I feel your pain my number 3 and 4 children are 17,months apart and the thing that has worked best for me when one child wants what the other has is "you have to trade with him/her" Be consistent and persistent in this and it can applied to toys, games, and as they get a bit older dishes, cups forks. Good Luck !
J. O