How to Deal with Disabled MIL and Her Craziness? Long and Maybe TMI!

I think Dawn B says it all. I completly agree with her. A stroke is a major deal. My grandpa has had 2 mini strokes latley and now is in the early stages of dimentia. You should talk to the dr's again because she truly may not know she is doing what she is doing.

All I can say is you are a better woman than I am.

No way could I do what you do.

Liquidate her assets and find a NICE place for her.

Regardless of the relationship you've had with this woman over the years, she is a human being and deserves to be treated with dignity, especially now that she is severely incapacitated. You sound like you are reaching your breaking point. It is not easy being the primary caregiver to someone with so many needs. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, no matter how good their intentions. It seems to me that you have one of two options: either get someone to come in to your home full-time (I see from a previous post that she came to you from a skilled nursing facility - they should be able to give you some direction as to where to find someone), or find a facility nearby your home to place her. Her assets can be gifted to your husband, and the proceeds can then be used for her long-term care. The longer you let the situation continue as is, the more resentment and anger will build up inside you, which obviously is not good for you or the rest of your family. I hope for all your sakes you can find a resolution to this very sad state of affairs.

Well, since she's had a stroke, it's hard to tell just how much she's "responsible" for mentally. I'm not sure what you mean about assets in Arkansas, but if you're having to take care of her, your husband should go there and liquidate everything, pack her stuff up and find a nursing home for her.

***As far as anyone having problems with the tone of this post -please don't judge this person until you've had a possibly senile or demented, disabled old woman who you didn't like to begin with living with you -and wiping her poop everywhere no less. Even if you just LOVED the woman before -it's incredibly difficult to care for someone in this state -that's why nursing homes exist! There's not much that will ruin your life, sanity and marriage faster than having a sick parent move in -especially if they're not mentally stable and cannot be left alone! Quite honestly I'm surprised this woman is as nice about it as she is!

Sorry, but if it was MIL treating me like that and not trying to cooperate with meds and such, assets or not she would be checked into a rehab. I would tell her doctor what you are dealing with and he might recommend she go to a rehab until she can do things on her own again. You should not be having to deal with that! Doesnt she have any medical insurance or medicare that pays for a partial stay at the nursing home until she can take care of herself on her own? In California they will not let a patient go home if they dont have someone to care for them. I'd be all dropping her off at her docs office and letting him know she has no where to go ;)
These types of things can make even the most patient family members lose their minds.

Sad to say, difficult people, when confronted with poor health, don't miraculously change into saints. They just become the same difficult person, except sick so now you can't in good conscience kick her out of your house. I wonder if the stroke affected her brain. I know my mom just wasn't "all there" after her stroke. Have you talked to her doctor about the behaviors? And I would suggest that you see if there are any support groups out there available for her AND for you and your husband. It might help to talk to someone who has been in a similar situation and they might have some tips or tricks that would help you in this difficult situation. I'm sorry I don't have any specific solutions for your dilemma but I'll be thinking of you.

Wow! Is all I have to say! Just Wow!

I am going to be honest and I am sorry if I hurt your feelings or come off as being mean.

This post makes you sound TERRIBLE! You sound as if you are giving your MIL NO respect. What a horrible situation for all of you involved. From the outside it seems like you need to have more patience and sympathy/empathy for her. Poor woman, she has been thru a ton...and all of it is horrible.

I do not know what it means that she can not be in assisted care/ nursing home because of her assists in another state but I truly believe you need to be working on getting whatever needs to be taken car of, taken care of! Your MIL needs to be treated with more respect and dignity in her time of need....and you need to not have to take on this burden of caring for her!

~ I would be totally grossed out by the 'pooping' situation and your feelings are very valid! I just think you should take a look at yourself and how you are treating this woman (she is your hubby's mother, w/out her you wouldn't have him, she deserves SOME level of respect from you) and how you are talking to her!

Your statement about if she wanted to end up dead or a vegetable actually made me cringe! Talk about harsh!? Did you/ do you really talk to her like that??

I think you need to be honest with your hubby...you obviously can not handle this responsibility...he needs to step up and fix this for you somehow. The way it stands now is NOT healthy or good for any of you!

Do you have older kids? I sure hope they haven't heard or seen you talk to or about their grandmother like this...

It's possible the stroke affected her mind in ways that are not super apparent, but are causing her to behave like this. I would look into asking her doctor about her cognitive functioning since the stroke. For your sake, you might also want to look into a home nurse visiting a few times a week, to help with her care and to give you a break. Good luck!

Her health insurance should pay for her to have a home health aide. She really may not know she is pooping and when she finds it be too embarrassed to tell you, especially if she's "getting in trouble" for it. I have worked as an Advantage Aide and can tell you what she is doing is normal. Call her insurance company and find out who they recommend in your area. she should get bathing help, a nurse coming in and helping her set up a care plan, you can get respite care, and some house keeping help, her room, sheets, linens, clothes, anything that is hers they can help clean.

I worked 10 hours per week for one person doing respite care for her MIL and I got her out of bed if she wanted, gave her showers, washed her laundry, cleaned her bathroom and then kitchen because I fixed her lunch and was allowed to wash whatever dishes were there if time allowed. It never was more than a handful.

I also worked for another lady and we went in every morning, 7 days per week, she lived alone though, and fixed breakfast, started laundry or whatever was needed, then another staff went and fixed lunch, switched out washer and dryer, then another went and fixed her dinner and finished up what ever tasks were designated for that day. On weekends they went of a morning then again at lunch, they fixed something like stew or soup so she could heat it up in the microwave for dinner. She was able to live at home. We dumped her med container for that time frame and day into her hand and she swallowed them while we watched.

My point is that in both situations a care giver is able to do many things that are contracted to the person. If you need more time for yourself then you need to get some assistance. You need more personal time than just a few hours to go to school. You need time to go take a nap, read a book, take a bubble bath, etc...that's what respite care should help you have, normal time to your self too.

If this is not an option then perhaps moving her to a supported living facility would be in her best interest. She would have 24 hour staff but still be able to have independence.

She obviously isn't in her total right mind. Stroke does that, people change drastically after and half the time don't remember what was going on while they were getting better. She may never get her mental facilities back. She needs to be working on all areas of her therapy so it is natural for her to have the resources a home health agency can provide for her.

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Oh dear..I'm so sorry for your situation. I haven't had time to read your replies but wanted to offer you my support and prayers. You are in an impossible situation....the hardest job in the world is tending to ailing parent...especially when it is not your parent. God Bless you.... I have been in your shoes, well maybe your flip flops...lol. Shortly after my Mom's death we moved my Dad in with us. He was a diabetic which lead to a slew of other health issues including kidney failure & transplant and congestive heart failure. He was my father and I loved him but there were days when I wanted to throttle him. He too would mismanage his meds or just refuse to take them because he wanted to be with my Mom. I truly believe my Dad died of a broken heart that never healed. He was with us for ten years before passing. It was difficult enough for my hubby and I to handle. I can't imagine if we'd have had our girls back then. If I would have had children in the house at the time I would have totally flipped out about the meds being thrown on the floor. What if one of them had found them and ate them thinking they were candy? People often are so focused on the patient they forget to support the caregiver. It is a 24/7 thankless job. I'm sure your husband knows just how lucky he is to have a woman like you willing to take care of his mother. And what a fine example you are setting for your own children on how to love/honor/respect/tend to their elders. There will be times when you get snippy with her....and there will be times she NEEDS you to get snippy. Forgive yourself for those times, take a time out, breath, and above all else cut yourself some slack.

Wow, what a tough spot you are in! Assuming she is not going senile or having impairment/dementia from the stroke, you have to get tough with her if she is doing this things on purpose. This is coming from a person who also had to take care of a terminally ill parent, so I have sympathy, but there is a line when they are able to do things for themselves. Maybe she has lost her mind a bit from the stroke, I'm thinking that is most likely what is going on here.

As far as the pooping, she shouldn't have access to towels/excess blankets or anything to help reduce this problem.

For the pills, all you can really do is supervise her. Though, if she is sneaky, she can still fake swallowing and spit it out when you are not looking.

It sounds like you need to consider gifting or liquidating her assets down to Louisiana since this is probably going to be a long term thing, so she can go into a home where she can have professional assistance. Really, I would try and get her into a rehab facility anyways, or at least daily home health assistance. This largely sounds like mental issues that need to be dealt with by professionals. Your state probably has access to home health aids that can speak to her and give her emotional and physical support that you aren't trained to give. I'm sure her insurance would cover this also.

I would go get nursing home brochures and explain to her that it is in her best interests to be in one as you can not properly care for her. The pooping on herself for no reason seems spiteful to me. I suspect she has other issues. She can use her land as collateral and move in in some places. When it sells, they get paid.

This time is for you raising your family and finsishing your degree. You simply can't take this on. She is not helpin g herself and she is forcing the issue

she is regressing and its not much for you to have to deal with that type of situation. Could you get her some special driving situation to drive her back to Arkansas.
I could not deal with anyone hiding poop between the mattress. Gross. She might be going senile. Why in her right mind would anyone make a conscious decsion to hide their poop.

Hi, my sympathies to you. I suspect alot of the people criticizing you have never been a day to day caregiver of an elderly parent. My husband is an only child and I found myself in your situation years ago. I too am not the "caregiver" type and don't have any guilt over that. I was very angry and resentful that my husband had put me in that situation. I used to tell my husband that when I said "in sickness and in health" during our wedding vows, I meant him not his parents. I was lucky and was able to eventually place my FIL in an assisted living facility the last 3 years of his life. I personally would never want my children bathing me and wiping my bottom--much rather it be a stranger. Hang in there.

Wow. That is too big of a burden for you and your husband to handle. And having a sitter come two days a week isn't enough if you are going to college to finish your degree.

Why not sell her assets in Arkansas and use the money to put her in a nursing home or assisted living facility? Are you hoping to preserve that money for an inheritance, or is she not allowing anyone to spend her money (on herself!)?

We had to put my father in a nursing home after he suffered a catastrophic stroke. Nursing homes are totally depressing places, but there is no way that my siblings or I could have taken care of him. It must be so hard to constantly clean up after her, and it must be even harder for her to be at all mobile if your house isn't set up for wheelchair access.

I guess I don't have any real advice for you. But I think you are expecting to much of yourself to take care of your MIL and still take care of your own family. Good luck to you!

We just had a similar situation with my FIL, and are so glad we put him into a nursing home. He was living with my SIL (his daughter) and having the same kind of poop issues. He went to the nursing home and was allowed a 30 day stay, and then was told that he would have to take care of his hygeine needs if he wanted to stay with her. He did so - for a few weeks, and then reverted to the same old ways. So it is not a case of "he can't help it." Refused to eat for us, but eats willingly when someone in a nurse's outfit at the nursing home asks him to. He is in better health since going into the nursing home, and the family visits are focused on enjoying his company rather than worrying about whether he has bathed, etc. As for her assets, talk to a lawyer, as the laws are tricky. But your family's sanity is also worth it.

You need to liquidate her assets in Arkansas. My g-aprents liquidated everything and gave it to their daughter - she gave them money when they needed it (she did not use it). It was agreed that was her inheritance when they passed. Then, you can opt to have her go to a Senior Assistance living apartment complex or nursing home.

Can you remove the towels from her bathroom and only give her one when she bathes. Make only the wipes available in the bathroom. Unfortunately, you may need to inventory your linens on a daily basis until you have a system in place that works for you. You will need to watch her take her medication and show you that her mouth is empty after she swallows. You could put her bed in the middle of room w/ no dust ruffle (if you have one on the bed) - that would create less places to hide stuff. Basically, you need to take control in ways that may seem untraditional.

Good luck!

i would load her up and take her for a tour of a few nursing homes..explain that you are not going to keep cleaning up after her when she is capable of letting you know she needs to poop and this is where she will go if she doesnt stop crapping herself and hiding the dirty linens. since your the primary caregiver she may be doing this because she doesnt like you and how better to get at someone than poop everywhere and watch them have to deal with it...

Hi Photomama,
It is so hard taking care of family when they are unable (or unwilling) to take care of themselves. I took care of my Grandmother for years.

Sounds like a couple things are going on -

First, You are stressed (with every reason to be). - you are what I was once told I was - a Sandwich generation - taking care of your own children and a parent. It is very hard and you have to ensure that you have the support that you need...not just someone coming in 2 days a week - so look into a support group or a therapist for yourself.

Second -find a therapist for your MIL. She is dealing with a lot of issues right now - cancer, stroke, lack of independence, and all the emotional turmoil that goes with physical illness. She may have "given up" because the physical aspects are too hard for her to cope with right now.

On the practical side - does she have a bedside potty? or use the regular bathroom? It may be a matter of not being able to get to the bathroom in time to avoid an accident. The inappropriate wiping may be a result of embarrassment and she is like a child trying to hide her mistake.

Does she do this when the sitter is with her? If not, then there are much bigger control issues going on then can be covered in this post.

You will need to be pro-active with her while she lives with you. Make a potty schedule for her, take all the linens and towels out of the bathroom that she uses, watch her take her pills and literally have her open her mouth and show she has swallowed them. Yep, not what you want to do, but increasing the structure of her care and oversight of her actions may help reduce your stress and serve as a wake up call to your MIL that she really does not want to be that dependent on others.

The final option is to look into sitters, home health care, and live in assistants and move her back to her home.

Good Luck. If you need to talk PM me,

I do highly recommend that you have her accessed by a mental health professional...meet with them first, explain her medical and emotional state so they know what the issues are before they talk with your MIL.