How to Broach This with Husband Without a Fight Ensuing?

He is wrong and you do know it. It is up to you as her mother to stop it. Personally, I would shout stop and physically step in and protect/ remove her. If he is upset, so be it.

Talk to him later and seek counseling if need be, but you are right to be her savior even if he gets upset.

my daughter is in 4th and you are right. in fact, she won't trust or play with her adult cousins because they did it too. when she hears they are coming over, she says "Don't let them tickle me" even though it has been a couple of years.
my husband also teases and she won't tell him anything that is bothering her because she doesn't like to be laughed at.

Remind him that she will possibly mimic his behavior The last thing you want is for her to be bullied or not liked b/c she will be forceful and to rough with her friends who beg her too stop.

Also, he needs to respect her. When she is uncomfortable and saying, "no", that is when to stop, Seriously, shouldn't he already know this from being a teenager at some point?! Does he expect her to stop doing something when you ask no? If yes, then why not respect when she asks no for this? Respect is mutual.

Does he want her to learn that it is acceptable to be bullied by people who continue to do so after she says no or stop? Does he want her to learn the difference between friends and non-friends? If so, he needs to set an example of how she should expect to be treated by everyone.

Ask him if he wants his daughter to lose respect for him, to not trust him and not want to play with him. I agree with another mom. Record it then show it too him. He may realize how rough he was actually being then when he isn't in the moment.

My uncle was like this too, we eventually hated him and avoided him. It was sad b/c he was so nice but he got way too rough, especially as we got older.

We had a similar issue, and gently telling my husband that she'd expect her future boyfriends to treat her the way he teaches her to be treated now....well, that stopped him cold!

I think his worst nightmares are about what some jerk may do someday--he'd do anything to help her learn how to handle that.

Safe Word

In our house we have 2 magic words: Please AND Stop.

Whenever anyone says 'stop' it's an instantaneous freeze. We've even made it a game. Tickling is actually where it started. Stop! and then Go. Stop! Go! Stop! Stop. (ha! got you!) GO-STOP (no time).........Gaaaaah-stop! (fake out)....Go! Stop. Go! Stop!

It worked great with my husband who is about as observant as yours is in the same situation. It ALSO worked great with my son, because "stop" is a word that children hear a lot and need to heed. The whole trick is building up trust.

How did I get my husband to agree to a safe word? By presenting it as a way to teach our "son" how to stop when he needs to. Absolutely NO cheating on the safe word. Someone says stop, you freeze. The only exemption is "in danger or trouble". Our son can say stop all he wants when being carried across the street because he wouldn't hold hands, or being put on timeout. Stop doesn't work when it's dangerous to stop or you're in trouble.

Some things are worth a fight. I'd go to the mat on this one!

He needs to be told that she will end up losing trust in him and ALL men - when NO MEANS NO and STOP MEANS STOP....

She may be 3 years old but she KNOWS when she has had ENOUGH and HE NEEDS TO RESPECT THAT...

There might be a healthy argument from this - he needs to know that even with his daughter - she needs to KNOW when she says STOP or NO - it will be respected - ESPECIALLY by the first love of her life - her DADDY.

Reverse it - how would HE like it if his NO's or STOP were not listened to?
Would he be hurt? Angry?

NO MEANS NO...STOP MEANS STOP...even a 3 year old knows when they have had enough.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Get a squirt bottle and when your daughter says stop and he won't, squirt him in the head. If he's going to act like a dog, treat him like one.

I've known men who just can't quit when playing too hard with their young children. Seems to be some ego/power thing that takes over, unmoderated by more tender feelings. I've also been the tickled child – in my case, by my mother. It is a practice that messes with a child's belief she has a right to say no.

Do you have access to any video equipment? If so, I'd record one of these sessions. Then, when the two are not 'playing" and he's relaxed, ask him to watch the video. Right about where the tickling is turning into your child begging to stop, ask him to take his daughter's part and try to understand what she's feeling at that moment – helplessness, desperation, even fear.

If he's able to put himself in her shoes even for a minute, he may be able to modify that behavior. If he's not, then it may be up to you to sweep in and lift your daughter out of the situation each time it develops. For me, watching that would be almost as hard as watching a child drown, and I think my temper might get considerably bigger than the abuser's.

I really like the idea of video taping the tickling session. Its said "a picture is worth a 1000 words". A video tape is roughly 24 pictures per second.

I had a son that played basket ball in Jr. High and High school. He had seen probasketball players fall down when nudged/hit to draw a foul so they could shoot free throws. He must have really been impressed wth this. He did it when he played in his games, but it was so obvious to the untrained eye (mine) and it never worked. I video taped his games as a dad, proud that he got to play. (I know, its a dad thing.) The first time he saw himself on tape doing this was the last time he did it. I didn't have to say anything.

There are a lot of times when husbands don't listen (wives really mean "obey") to their wives. And it doesn't make any difference if their wives are right or wrong. There are lots of times when wives don't listen (husbands really mean "obey") to their husbands. Too many times we get caught up in a "power struggle" with our spouces. It then doesn't matter if we are right or wrong, as long as we "win." (Note the number of divorces. And at one time all of these nice couples said they "loved" one another.)

When you and your husband have a time to "enjoy" the video, just watch it. When the tickling goes from fun to your daughter, to not fun, say nothing or a simple, sad "Aaaaawwwww" and let it go at that. Don't say anything more. Don't turn it into a war of wills. You will get more of what your want with honey than vinegar. AND if you utter any words that sound like "I told you so", you just lost any advantage the video may have given you.

I only know of one person that never made a mistake. I celebrate his birthday every year around Christmas time. The rest of us could learn by His example.

Good luck to you and yours.

My husband did that once and never did it again because he made our son pee all over him. HA-HA!

SWEET REVENGE!

I've seen this my entire life. NOT kidding. My entire life.

I had a much lower threshold for rough-housing than my sister. I remember being so upset that I walked out of the house, crying. I was about 10 & my dad chased me down. Was I traumatized for life?.....Nope, but I sure hated it & did not choose to join in. My sis on the other hand, loved it & always went back for more.

My DH has the same tendency...to push past the child's limits. Strangely enough, his mother was the same way....as are all of his siblings (6 sisters & 1 brother). I don't get it.....& I'm like a MamaBear when it starts.

I do whatever I have to do to end the action....including yelling "STOP". Forget pleading, forget asking....I'm flat-out loud if the child is done. I'm simply past the point of caring whether I hurt the adult's feelings.....the child is the only one I'm there for. :)

Wow. That's so cruel, and he is down right bullying her. It is a bit (a lot) concerning that your husband lacks boundaries so much, that he can't tell when his daughter is not having fun, and completely upset. I am speaking from personal experience, when I say she definitely won't want to play with him in the future. My uncle was like this. He played with us like that, and wouldn't stop. I HATED when he tried to play with me, as I got a little older. His own kids hated playing with him. They were always worried/scared/protective/unsure/desperate. I don't have any advice, I'm sorry to say. Perhaps, you could show him these answers, and tell him you asked us, because you were worried of causing an argument. Maybe, seeing a strangers point of view will enlighten him.

My uncle also turned into an egomaniac through the years, and tried to control his children. Don't know if the two could be related, but this behavior would worry me.

I don't really know how to broach the subject, but I thought I'd give you a different perspective. I used to be that little girl, with a dad who made her cry. I have very poignant memories of these episodes, especially when we wen to the beach one time. My dad is tall, and I was very little. He took me out to play in the waves. He was holding me, and kept wading in deeper. I was fine and having fun when it was up to my waist, but he kept going in. I told him I was scared, but he just kept telling me I was fine, that I was safe with him, and kept going in. He was out so deep that he could not touch the bottom when waves came. I was terrified. I couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 at the time, and I still feel panic! Mostly that he insistantly kept going in deeper after I plead with him not to.

When I was a teenager, for a while I really hated him. I regret some things I did, but I really didn't like my dad. I had no idea how truly awful men can be, so I didn't realize how great my dad really is. I just couldn't get past how he did those things I didn't like. How he scared me. And I remember thinking I wanted to marry someone who was nothing like my dad. That's really sad!

Now, as a mom, I think he was just trying to push me, so I would realize that everything really was fine in the end. But he pushed too hard, and all I remember is the terror, and the hurt (of him not listening to me) and anger I felt. I push my kids, but gently, and never to the point of fear.

So maybe, when you discuss it, you could tell your hsuband how your daughter won't remember all the fun she had with daddy, she'll only remember the hurt.

And as an adult, I did an exercise in a self-help book that was quite astonishing to me. I was to close my eyes and, in my imagination, walk through my childhood home. It was interesting to me that during the exercise, I met my mother in the hallway. The book wanted to know what question I would ask when I met someone in the house. And what I asked was, "Why didn't you protect me from him?" So apparently, I really wanted my mother to stand up for me and make my dad stop. All the hurt and fear welled up inside me, as if I were a little girl being teased too much by my dad. I won't say that it has caused me any lasting psychological harm, but it certainly has hurt my relationship with my dad.

Men are very dumb when it comes to children's terror and pain threshhold. Recently a very brave mother who blogs on this site wrote about banning her husband from wrestling with their children due to his inability to stop before the children get hurt.
You will have to do the same. If your husband does not agree or if he becomes violent with you call 911. A violent father is nothing to shrug off.

Wow! Your husband sounds mean, sorry.

IMHO, your daughter will ABSOLUTELY loose trust for her father if he continues to push it like this...AND I wouldn't be concerned about whether this caused a fight between us, this is something that needs to be addressed!

I hope you get some helpful advice from these smart ladies on here b/c I have no helpful advice...I am dumbfounded by your husbands inability to respect his own child. If this is something that has happened more than once, I am even more confused? I find it hard to believe that he still thinks they are "just playing"...he honestly just does not listen to her?

I have a 3 y/o sweet lil' girl of my own. My husband and her 4 big brothers and her 2 big boy cousins would NEVER continue to 'tickle' to the point of tears...they would just feel horrible they made her cry!

Does your husband have a mean-streak?

You're absolutely right! If he doesn't start 'respecting' her wishes when she asks him to 'stop', she is going to lose trust in him. How would he like it if he tells someone to 'stop' and they don't listen to him and keeps on? He won't like it one bit. If he wants respect from her, he better start showing her some by respecting her wishes, or he will lose her trust when she gets older and he will have a rough relationship with her as well.
When he does this again, intervene and tell him, "she said 'stop', and if you want her to learn to respect others including you, then you need to be an example and show her some respect when she says to stop". He obviously doesn't think he's doing anything wrong and he's not thinking of how he is making her feel by not respecting her wishes. Don't stop intervening to avoid him getting pissy. Speak up for your little girl. :-) Hopefully he'll get a clue. You can also ask your pedi doc how you can approach this and get him to realize what he is doing is wrong.
If you need to, take him to the pedi doc with you and ask him/her right in front of your husband so that he can hear it for himself. :-)

He needs to stop and stop NOW. I had an aunt that would do the same thing to me when I was a little girl. To make matters worse, my ex husband would sit on me and tickle me until I cried. He would not listen when I asked or told him to stop. Unless you've had it happen to you, you have no idea how absolutely powerless and frightened that will make you feel. The fact that he completely ignored me when I asked or said stop made me worthless,disrespected and unloved. I felt the same way as a child when my aunt would tickle me too hard or not stop. He needs to realize that is he is being selfish and proud. He may not have any ill intentions at heart, but the fact remains that he is hurting her. My husband is a very strong man and sometimes he doesn't realize his own strength. It used to be when he roughhoused with our daughter he would accidentally leave a bruise or two. She never cried. I think she just bruises easy like I do. Anyway, I showed them to him and told him that he needs to be extra careful because he is so strong. Ever since then he is very careful when they play and no more bruises. Some things in life are worth fighting for, but honestly he should be grown up enough to handle some instructions from his wife. I am sure you listen to him so he should do the same for you. :)

This is very disturbing. This is how sexual abusers begin grooming their targets. I would watch him very closely around children. This is one battle I would take on. You need to STOP this. You need to protect your daughter. You may start a huge fight like you wrote in your letter. Be ready to call 911. This person sounds like someone who could be dangerous.

I didn't read through all the responses but my husband also likes to tickle and rough house with our small children (2 & 4). We decided as a family that AS SOON as the kids say "uncle" it must stop immediately. It's like a safe word so they can laugh, giggle and yell "stop" but as soon as they say "uncle" all bets are off and it has worked well for us. (so much so I'm slightly worried that when they go to school and say "uncle" and their friend/classmate doesn't know/understand that means stop immediately that it may cause some problems..... but we wouldn't be Moms if we didn't worry about something!)

That sounds a little disturbing. An adult should know when to quit, especially since the signs are so clear - your daughter is crying. She will avoid playing with him and if he keeps it up even fear him. I just can't see how something in his brain would not tell him to stop when she is in tears. It's not just playing when she gets that upset. Little kids are sensitive and I'm sure it feels horrible to her once he goes past the tickling point. It probably makes her very uncomfortable and him not stopping can send her into a panic. Tell him he needs to stop now and all the other mamas said so!

Some people (and a lot of men) aren't comfortable with relating to small children and so they fall back on tickling and/or rough housing as their go to technique of having closeness with their child. It might help you to put more tools in his tool kit by suggesting things he can do with your 3 year old, like "Simon Says", "I spy something (color)", "20 Questions", games with a ball where you bounce the ball and try to touch a certain body part before the ball comes back, etc. You can do this without saying anything targeted at the tickling.
As far as the tickling goes, I would approach it by saying that you know it's a parenting thing that you don't agree on so you did a little research and found that experts agree on tickling "with boundaries". Of course, the first boundary is don't do it if the child doesn't like it but your child does like it...to a point. So you acquiesce to that. That gives him a "win". Then tell him, or show him articles like the ones below, that give appropriate boundaries for tickling children and when to stop. Tickling sessions should be brief. Or he can pretend to tickle by just wagging his fingers. And there should definitely be a "stop signal" that he always respects immediately. I hated being tickled as a child and have lots of bad memories from it! Here are some articles with good tickle advice:

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/news/63/64/Why-Not-Tic...
http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2010/04/30/tickle-me-...
http://www.babiestoday.com/articles/toys-and-playtime/do-...
http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2011/08/ten-tips-for-tic...

He HAS TO STOP. I almost hate to say it, but I would put the kibosh on tickle play. If he can't set limits and listen to her when she's literally begging and crying to stop, then he shouldn't be allowed to tickle her, period, full stop, exclamation mark. There's just no excuse. If she's crying then it's painful and there's no pleasure.

My husband is the same way and he doesn't understand because he's not ticklish. He's not allowed to tickle me or the girls at all because he doesn't know the limits. Then his feelings are hurt when he gets elbowed or kneed or kicked in the family jewels by a crying female because THEY "didn't get it" that he was "just playing."

These is a battle you have to choose....it's so important that your daughter learns her voice is important...and that NO means NO, or stop means stop! I think you get that.....so how to resolve this without a fight? Resolve it as a family...including your daughter. Figure out what can be said during play that everyone agrees means stop! I'm digging the "uncle."

Don't make it about your husband, make it about a family agreement.....so that everyone can have fun!

S.

Get him a copy of the book "The Art of Roughousing" and/or show him these articles:
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/06/14/in-praise-o...

Tickling leaves a kid feeling out of control, and that is an awful feeling (just because they are laughing doesn't mean they like it. I speak from experiences; I'm easy to tickle and have always hated it. I had friends in grade and high school think it was really funny, until I trained my natural reaction against it to be an elbow jab. Then they got the point--it's not fun and I don't like it!).

Ask him what he thinks her crying means? He's the adult. What he is doing is bullying her, whether he realizes it or not.

Because I was "tickle tortured" (and it was torture to me) as a kid by my sibs and sometimes by friends, I made sure that my son, also very ticklish, knows that when he says "stop," we respect that and we stop. Now, sometimes he asks to be tickled and sometimes he (tries to) tickle us. And he enjoys it, because he is in control--he says stop, and we stop.

Edited to add:
Being tickled, especially to that point, makes you feel like you are out of control. It's an awful feeling, especially for someone smaller and weaker who cannot physically make it stop. It is not fun. The laughing is an involuntary reaction --- it may sound like you're having fun, but being out of control is not fun.

He sounds immature.

Not much you can do with turning that around at this stage in his life.

However, it's time for a "sit down we need to talk moment" when your daughter is not around so you can make your point and hear him out. Don't walk away from the talk without a clear understanding and solution.

Sometimes a fight is Ok--maybe it's going to take one here. This is a pretty big point to make. He needs to stop that--whatever it takes. She's 3 for goodness sakes. I'd go and get her off of him when he does that!

This happened to one of my kids with a different family member. Saying "he said stop" didn't work. So, I just went and removed my child from the situation, and said, "he said stop", and walk away. You will end up having a fight about this, no doubt, but just make sure you use your words correctly, and maybe it won't be so bad.

My blood pressure is going up just reading this! Dad is supposed to be the safe, go-to guy. Not the one she fears. I would not want to leave her alone with him. She is too little to express her feelings. Stop means stop and if he won't, you need to stop him yourself!

ummmm- kick him in the balls :) see how he likes it

My DH would never do that ---- sorry. We have 5 kids. Show him the replies you have gotten and see what he thinks.

My husband does something like that to our children. Men don't have a brain.lol... He usually puts something on(not realizing it scares them) and they come running to me and freak out crying. I tell him to turn it off then he laughs at me saying "its not scary",or try to do it again. I'm the same way but usually I chew his butt off. I don't like ANYONE scared my children. I don't know what to say. I chew my husband butt off for doing that and finally gets the drift.(hopefully) :)

Maybe it's just me but I never found tickling even remotely 'fun' so why do some people find it so enjoyable? Besides that are the one doing the tickling it just seems not appropriate to me.

Why don't you tickle him? For a very long time.... maybe he'll get it.
And I like the response with a yard stick across the back - if the tickling doesn't work.

Sandy L...REALLY?! Grooming the kid to be abused by a pedophile? Thats a bit much but its your opinion and we are all entitled, I guess. My hubby and I have a "no tickle clause" in the house since we all hate being tickled. We even pinky sweared when we first starting dating on "the clause" =) Sounds like hubby is just being a big child & this is something that he & the daughter are going to have to work through. I understand its frustrating what hes doing but I dont think its setting her up for any long term father/daughter issues. I do like the water bottle idea tho..pretty funny lol.

Hello, You have said this so well, that I can't understand how he could not get what you are trying to tell him. Tell him just like you have written this. Also, add that you feel that it is very important that she is able to express herself in a way that if/when she has to tell a boy "No!" or "Stop!" she will feel confident enough to do it and know that he will listen. Talk to him when you are calm he is not in the middle of doing this. Just tell him that you need to talk about something that is really bothering you.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

You're right. This does need to stop. The only thing that I can suggest is, some evening when your child is in bed, discuss it with him, but make the discussion about you and how you feel. Do not accuse him of anything and do not try to tell him how to parent his child. If you have been doing this, apologize to him. Then, tell him what you told us...

1- "It pisses me off greatly that he can't just STOP when she asks him to and that he makes her cry."
2- "I'm afraid that this is going to ruin the trust between her and her father."
3- "I'm worried that pretty soon she won't even want to play with him anymore because of it."

Once, you have him listening to how YOU feel, ask him what can be done? How should the TWO of you handle this?

Best wishes to your family!!!

deleted as I don't want to hear about my response. One unsolisitated PM today is too many.