How to Ask the Hubby for More Help Without Being Combative?

Stop using the word "help." It makes it sound as though he's doing you a personal favor by ddoing his part to keep the home he lives in running smoothly.
If he walks on the floor, he should be willing to mop it.
If he eats, he should be willing to wash dishes.
If he shits, he should be willing to scrub toilets.
If he wears clothing, he should be willing to do laundry.
If he fathered the kids, he should be willing to bathe them, get them into their pj's, and tuck them in.

If you are both working fulltime outside the house then he needs to chip in and help more. Be direct and specific. Don't nag and yell simply ask can you help me out and fold the laundry. Would you please empty the dishwasher. Junior needs a bath. Can you do that while I clean-up the kitchen etc...etc...If he can't he needs to re-evaluate his priorities.

You need to ask very immediate, very specific, uh, favors.....

YOU(while changing the baby on the changing table, call...) Hey Babe? While I'm changing this diaper, can you put those dishes in the dishwasher real quick? Thanks, babe!

(You may have to lower your standards of how things should be done, too, just sayin')

YOU (texting before you leave from work) i no uve got a game 2nite, but b4 u leave, can u take the garbage out and put the wet clothes in the washer in the dryer? UR THE BEST, thx babe!

I've noticed things that are on my mind that need to be done, he is not even aware of, so it's not fair to be pissed he doesn't do them until I at least give him the CHANCE to help out, you know?

:)

I didn't ask. I just set the basket of clean underwear in front of him to fold while he was watching basketball. He did it without a word of complaint, and happily, has done it ever since. I always thank him, but he says thanks to me too for all that I do around the house.

Now, I ask. "Can you do the dishes while I help the kids with homework?" It makes it sound like you aren't dumping everything on him- you are working too. Or, give him a choice. "Would you like to help with homework or do the dishes?"

Your house sounds alot like mine- busy! We both work hard, so we have found a way to help each other out and it has made our marriage even better. You'll find a way, too. Good luck!

I know what you mean! My husband frequently works evenings and or weekends, too and his schedule can be unpredictable (he's a photographer). It can be lonely at times. He's tired, I'm tired and we both need time for mental/physical health breaks! You should approach him, not as the mad spouse, but the spouse who needs help— with my husband, if I don't outright ask, specifically for what I want, he doesn't see it. Sit down at a quiet time or over dinner with minimal interruptions and say, "I'm feeling overwhelmed and want to talk about little ways that would help me feel less so." If you make it about your own feelings, it will not be a combative conversation. Keep away from accusatory statements. Maybe suggest a weekly activity you'd like to start doing comparable to your husband's softball dates each week— pointing out that you love that he has an outlet, that you fully support it and that you feel the need for something similar in your week to help you recharge. Then introduce the idea that if he could take on one or two other daily and/or weekly responsibilities, like making lunches in the morning, or transporting the kids one morning or afternoon, or throw one load of laundry into the wash before you leave in the morning or go to bed at night— specific tasks that you feel he can handle and that he feels he can manage. If he's too tired in the evening, then morning tasks might be best, or vice-versa. As long as it's getting done, I honestly don't care when my hubby chooses to do it! Not only will you feel more supported and loving toward him when you see him participating in this way, but it's really valuable for your kids to see dad pitching in for the good of the family, not just being the breadwinner. If you need to get the mad out, vent to a girlfriend and have her help you rehearse what you want to say! Good luck!

Stop trying to enlist the help of your husband and train the children-they represent 100% pure potential-tap into it!

Stop looking for "help" and tell him to do his share. Being a SAHM even does not mean you are the only one responsible for the kids and household. That perspective is not combative, it is reality.

What I found is that my hisband, either truly or passive aggressively, does not see a chore without being shown it. For instance, the laundry basket can sit full next to the bed and he will NEVER unload it unless I ask. If I ask, he does it without complaint and well. So, I would just matter of factly say, "I left the laundry on the bed. Please fold it before you come down for dinner! Thanks!"

Of course, you could just have the conversation with him. "You need ot pull your wieght" etc. etc. However, sometimes it is more efficient to just ask for what you need.

My husband works near DC too and commutes about 60-90 minutes each way. Good job, good neighborhood, but it doesn't mean he doesn't have responsibilities. I work part time, which adds to my stress when I feel like the house is all up to me. If you worked outside the home, would it be okay for him to slack. Plus, he is missing out being with his kids. Making lunch wiht them, giving them baths, helping clean their playroom - that is all good time to bond with his children.

Work as a team. Suggest a time to get together to assess priorities - what absolutely has to get done, what probably should be done, and what can slide. Get agreement on each other's priorities. Then divvy up the essential tasks on a schedule that works - let each person pick the things they prefer to do and avoid the things they hate (if that works out!). Be reasonable about stuff that's not essential - for example, maybe the beds don't have to be made all the time. Figure out if there are some things that are better if you do them together - folding sheets, changing linens, etc. Folding laundry can be done while you both sit and watch TV after the kids go to bed. Sometimes vacuuming & dusting are done productively together - one person straightens & moves the furniture while the other vacuums, and so on. Bathrooms are usually a one-person job, but perhaps that one person can do all the toilets in sequence and wipe down all the sinks, once you're in the groove. My husband and I unload the dishwasher together - each stands on one side and unloads/puts away the stuff we're closest to. Works great. You could also try cooking together on the weekend - make meals for the week. Experts are saying it's important for kids to be involved in this too - they tend to eat healthier foods and the family relies less on processed, quick meals. Then try to at least have family meals on the weekends so the kids get to eat with you and Dad at least 2 days a week. Maybe you can set up an assembly line for the week's school lunches - if you have 2 kids and need 10 sandwiches, make them all on Sunday, and freeze those for later in the week. I don't know how old the kids are, but they can start taking the responsibility for some of their needs, like grabbing a sandwich from the freezer (it will defrost well before lunchtime), a drink, and a piece of fruit, and sticking it in their own lunch boxes.

You say you are fine with him being out 2 evenings, but are you? When are you out doing something by and for yourself? When is YOUR time? I'd schedule that in - maybe it's a Saturday afternoon or another weeknight - but if you're out doing something fun or rewarding, and he's in charge, he'll connect much more with what it takes to be the sole adult in charge of everything.

It's important for husbands to realize that they aren't "HELPING" with the kids - they are PARENTING them! He needs to be involved. That said, it's important that you "let" him do things the way he wants to if he's in charge, and that he's not just responsible for doing things your way. You have to relinquish a little control. If you don't have a family calendar, put one up. List everyone's activities - soccer games, parent nights, whatever, and then initial who is going to be in charge of getting the child prepared and delivered to that activity. That means the drive, the equipment, the snacks, whatever.

Kids can also set the table and sort their own socks after the laundry is done (also while watching TV!). And they can put their dirties in the hamper or bring a basket down to the washing machine. I kept a basket in my child's closet, and his stuff went right in there. Helped keep his room clean and made stuff ready for the washing machine.

If you can find some shortcuts, and then make the rest of it a family project, you may be able to find some great accommodations and time savers.

as a single mom i will tell you that it very hard to keep up the house and make enough money to live so close to dc. i can empathize with both of you. he gets tuesdays and thursdays nights off. that's pretty sweet. schedule yourself some time. it doesn't matter what you do in your off time, go out, read to the kids, exercise or even do laundry but during that time you are not required to do anything. he is the household manager every sunday and monday evening for example. i think for some people a schedule works much better that trying to get help ala carte. plus then you have something to look forward to while getting gum out of hair and making dinner at the same time. has he looked into telework, off-shifting or a compressed schedule?

Hire someone to help. If he doesn't like paying then he can start helping, otherwise, it was his choice to work so far away and have two nights out of the house where he is doing something else that depletes his energy.

Also, I'd consider moving.

It drives me crazy to constantly ask my husband to do the same things and it used to lead to arguments. Well, I've come to learn that he really does not mind doing task X or Y and DOES need the reminder - it's just not on his radar or "to do" list as it is with me. Men also like to be problem-solvers, so if you pose your issues to your husband as a question or problem that needs to be solved, he's more likely to be open and cooperative than if you just get steaming mad and tell him what you NEED him to do or what he HAS to do to help you out. Statements or questions like "we need to figure out how to X" or "how can we do X better or more efficiently?" Men and women do communicate and express themselves differently in that men are from Mars, women from Venus kind of way. I used to think that was so sexist, but it is true. Once we accept that, we can make our lives much more collaborative and less combative. I'm not saying he's going to take on half of the housework; it's still going to be primarily on you, but hopefully things get better and you get some help and relief. Good luck!

Lexington Park isn't far from Patuxent River Station - have your husband check for contracting positions there at Patuxtent River....I know the commute on him MUST be a killer. I can't imagine driving up to DC from Lexington Park!! YIKES!!!

Okay- now on to your problem.

"Honey (or whatever pet name you give him), I need you to do your share around the house and with the family. I need you to do X today." Make a schedule of things you need help with and divide them out.

Tell him "I've taken the opportunity to make a schedule - these are the things I NEED you to do to make our family work better".

The next thing you need to do is schedule a night out for yourself. My night out is Friday night - whether I go out with Girlfriends or stay home and watch a movie - it's MY time - hubby is responsible for fixing dinner and getting the boys ready for bed. If I stay home - I'm a ghost - NO ONE bothers me. PERIOD.

I would also check around to see if there is someone he can "ride share" with to help with the costs of gas and such. My dad and fellow workers did that in Ontario - when Lockheed Martin closed the Ontario planted and moved it to Lancaster (like the drive from Lexington Park to DC - 70+ miles). If there is no one else - economy or not - have him check into local jobs so that the family can breathe easier and the car doesn't get beat to death.

If he refuses to do his part to help the family - have him do his own laundry and make his own dinner. I know mean - but seriously - he needs to know and see the impact he's having on the family. YOU MUST HAVE A NIGHT TO YOURSELF!! HE GETS TWO!!!! YOU DESERVE AT LEAST ONE!!

Of course you are mad. Who wouldn't be when they are doing everything for the family and watching their spouse have free time to play softball twice a week. The problem is that most guys don't look around to see what needs to be done so you have to specifically ask them to do something.
figure out exactly what you need help with and match those chores to the time when he's home.

Tell him he needs to step it up like you are doing. You are BOTH working full time and no reason you should have all the household and care-giving duties - marriage is a partnership not an indentured servitude for the woman.

If he cannot step it up - then he'll need to let softball go so he can be there for his family. Being a husband and Father means more than simply bringing home a paycheck.

we're in the same boat with the commute. my husband drives that awful commute and gets up at 3 to avoid rush hour, or it would be 4 hours each way. we don't want to move. we love it out here. but that terrible drive does take its toll and i'm sensitive to that.
we don't have the little ones to deal with now, but we lived here when we did!
i'm so glad your husband has a fun thing to do and that you are okay with it. it's so important for him. i'm not going to jump all over him as so many respondents are doing. i think men who take on the full responsibility of financing a family are to be applauded. we read about far too many on this site who don't or won't work. yes, it doesn't absolve them of household duties. that doesn't mean it's okay to kick around the sole provider, whether it's dad or mom. it's a tough burden to bear.
that doesn't mean you're wrong to be mad. neither of you is a solo player in this number. he deserves his escape valve. you need one too.
so first of all i would make a plan for a quiet talk. either get a sitter, or let him know that after the kids go to bed on saturday night you're going to make a pot of coffee so the two of you can work out a family strategy together.
mean that last part. it needs to be worked out together. if you go in guns blazing and demand that he start contributing more, it's going feel accusatory and belligerent and put him on the defensive, and there's no need for that.
before you sit down with him, take a few minutes for some deep breathing and thinking about all the things he does that you are grateful for. it's not dismissing your valid concerns to do this. but you want your attitude and energy to be peaceful and positive. don't go in chewing over your grievances and spitting nails.
open the conversation with that too. tell him how much you appreciate what he does and name some things- the hard work and sacrifice of time and energy, and whatever else he does. tell him how much the kids love it when he can attend or help with their activities. stress how important family time is to you and how you are looking for ways of making it flow more smoothly. ask him to help you brainstorm ways of making the home/family side of life more balanced so that you can both stress less and enjoy each other and the kids more. enlist your partner's cooperation, because this is a cooperative partnership.
arrange to have a steady time for yourself, whether it's sunday afternoons or regular weekday evening. don't present this out of anger, or make it sound like a tit-for-tat. just be practical and straightforward. this is something you need and something you should have. you're not asking for his 'help', or his permission. you're asking him to help you figure out how to arrange it.
if it starts to get tense, get control of yourself back. you're doing so much right now! you can do this too, because you will gain so much if you come out of this in a positive fashion. take a deep breath, smile (even if you don't feel smiley- there's a psychological effect that occurs when we use our facial muscles that way) and bring the conversation back to brainstorming. don't let it tip over into anger or combativeness.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Just tell him you need him to do some things around the house and that you too need to take a few nights a week to unwind. Do not try to be and do everything for everyone. Your health and happiness is important for you and your family. If once and a while the laundry piles up or one the dishes do not get washed then so be it. Maybe if you give yourself a night off, you will come home refreshed and able to talk to your husband without being angry. How old are the kids? Are they old enough to have a chore or two? Good luck

Unfortunately, sometimes, I think it's just one of the things we are STUCK with as women and wives. I have an AWESOME husband who works 60 hours a week in the evenings. So, I too am a single mom. I work full time and care for the kids at night and take care of the house. So, every bit of homework, laundry, cooking, making lunches, shopping and so on, seems to be on ME. I did tell my husband about 3 weeks back that on Mother's Day, I am NOT doing any of my Sunday chores. So, he will have to make lunches for the kids, get their uniforms and other school essentials ready for Monday and so on. He laughed and said he would just keep the kids home that Monday and I could take care of it all Monday night for Tuesday. Really?!?!? Uggggg. He was kidding, but I KNOW I will not have a free day. Just the way it works out.

I do try and get some grocery shopping done on my lunch hour during the week so I don't have to take the kids in there for that long when I go to get the balance (like cold stuff).

And we do have a house cleaner that comes every other week. I CANNOT manage (as long as we can afford it) to do it ALL and scrub the house from top to bottom.

One more thought, maybe tell him that being as he is so tired on Fridays and not up for doing much, you are going to scoot out and have a manicure done or go shopping alone for an hour while he just hangs out with the kids. This will allow him some bonding time with the kids and will give you an hour or 2 of quiet alone time.

Good luck!