DH has a co-worker who recently miscarried for the second time. She had just announced her pregnancy to the office a few weeks earlier and sits very near another co-worker who is expecting. DH is at a loss as to how to express the collective sympaties of the group aside from what he's already done (telling her that the.y're very sorry for her loss and offering whatever help they could should she need it). Do they do more? One co-worker suggested flowers but they're not entirely sure if this is too much. What about the situation with the other co-worker? Any advice would be sincerely appreciated.
Hi B. -
I think that flowers are a little bit over the top. I would just say that you are sorry and that you are available to talk if she needs to
Is there someone in the office that she is friendly with? If so, I always think the best approach is honesty. Have the friend tell her that the whole office is thinking about her and wants to support her, but they aren't sure what would be helpful. Does she want people checking in? Should they not mention it? Be honest that everyone is on eggshells because of the other pregnant coworker - acknowledge that she might have very mixed emotions too. I guess I just feel that checking in shows her that you care and are thinking about her, and then you won't have to guess as much what the "right" thing to do is. Then that one friend should be willing to serve as the "PR" person, being the formal "check-in-er" or "pat-on-the-back-er" or "explainer of why she isn't going to the baby shower." Whatever you decide to do, I just wouldn't let her think you forgot about her.
B., I too had two miscarriages, one before each of my full-term pregnancies. Dr. Henry Lerner of Newton/Wellesley OB/GYN indicated there's no reason why I shouldn't go on to have a viable pregnancy and he was right. At the time, there wasn't a lot of information published on miscarriages though, and Dr. Learner has gone on to write one of the most respected books on the subject, "Miscarriage: Why It Happens And How Best To Reduce Your Risks". Perhaps this is something your husband could give to her. My co-workers were very supportive too and sent flowers to my home, which I very much appreciated.
I remember going in for my follow-up exam, and thought I had it all together when before I knew it I was bursting into tears! Dr. Lerner just patted my hand and said, "It's okay, emotions aren't logical." That's a line your husband might use if she has some unforeseen tears in the office. The grief is very real, and like with the loss of any loved one, may trigger at unexpected moments. Work, fortunately, may help to take her mind off of her loss as she works through her grief. If flowers are sent, I'd suggest they go to her home so she can receive them in private and appreciate them accordingly -- rather than having them be a constant reiminder of her loss at work.
She's lucky to have caring colleagues who will continue to support her. I'll tuck in a prayer too.
As someone who suffered two miscarriages and was surrounded by pregnancy, I can tell you that this woman really needs support but probably also wants to be brave and put on a good face. I would suggest that people do things independently ~ a little card, a little gift, etc ~ and leave them for her every now and then. The hardest part about miscarriage is wondering why you were chosen to lose your baby while others get the joy ~ while it's funky thinking, it's so rational given the situation. Also, people tend to give their condolences and then never mention it again, wanting not to bring it up (when it's right there in your mind for a very long time).
I guess there's no easy answer, but individual cards or a small arrangement (even an edible one, preferrably chocolate since that seems to be a healer ;) sent to her home would be nice. I liked the outpouring of support I got: my MIL (who knows I love chocolate) bought out Hebert's candy, filling up a large cookie jar with my self-medicating preferences :), cards in the mail made me cry when I realized the time it took the person to express their care for me (even with just a "thinking of you" and a signature)and made going home to an empty house where I might wallow that much easier, some people sent St. Gerard prayer cards (this would be if she were Catholic), and I also received some small floral arrangements.
The hard part about a miscarriage is that you never realize until you have one how devastating they are. Lots of people shrug it off as "it was never an actual baby" ~ to the person carrying it, it most certainly was. She lost more than just a possibility, she lost her hopes and dreams for the little one she already loved, wanted, and needed. It's a very hard time, and I applaud you and your husband for wanting to make this woman's difficult time a little easier.
Hugs,
L.
