How to Answer the Question "How Many Children Do You Have?"

I lost my 3 year old son almost 3 years ago and I struggle with this too. At first, it was really hard and I would just cry when asked. But now that time has passed I always say I have 2 kids and leave it at that. If they ask ages, I say "my oldest would be six and my youngest is 2. Sometimes they will ask, and sometimes they wont. If I really want to avoid them asking questions, I just say that my oldest IS 6. It's not like I'm ever going to talk to that person again anyways. Just go by what you're feeling that day. I'm very sorry!

I remember a mom here on mamapedia said she told people,
"I have 2 children and one angel in heaven."

I was so touched. I have never forgotten that.

If you say anything beyond 1... people will enquire.

My personal decision:

I lost a little girl at 6 months, and over 10 pregnancies in the first 4 months, most of whom I don't even know the sex of. I don't tell people I have 12+ children, I tell them I have my kiddo UNLESS I want to be talking about miscarriages with people. Even then, I am VERY careful to let it be known that I miscarried. Having both a child I held in my arms, and those I did not... the pain is entirely different for *me* at least.

Working in hospitals I've seen far too many people waving and kissing goodbye to their children (infant to toddlers to teens), to allow any blurring of lines. I would fear far far too much that if I said anything along the lines of "in heaven" or "would be x years old" it would be to a mum who'd buried her toddler. I love my son so much more than the children I've miscarried... If he died, I wouldn't be long after... I couldn't see living in a world without him. That that particular line in the sand between born and unborn may as well be a line in stone. I do not cross it.

I also lived over 1/3 of my life in Japan. THERE they have cemetaries for unborn children, which I miss here. There is an understanding of how painful it is to lose a child you've never raised, and all of the thoughts of "what would they be like?" being huge in a mother's life. So here... where we don't have that, culturally speaking, I do it with words: I have 1 son, and I've miscarried many.

Please note all of the "I" statements. These are just my personal decisions, based on my own experiences... I am in no way saying what anyone else should do. IMHO what a person *should* do, is what makes them feel right/happy. This is what feels right to me. To another, the answer may be entirely different.

I think you should probably say "one," unless you want to discuss the facts every time you're asked this question.

You are not denying his existence by not telling everyone all the details of your life. He will always exist in your and your husband's heart.

My husband's brother passed away when he was only 10 years old. When asked the question, "How many siblings do you have?" he doesn't count his brother. His mom does the same thing. It avoids those awkward conversations. If someone eventually becomes a friend, you'll tell them one day. But, it's information strangers don't need to know.

I have been in a similar situation. I have one daughter and I have lost two childern one at ten weeks and one at 19 weeks as well. It has been very difficult for me as well, but I usually respond when people ask me that I have one child and have not been fortunate to have any more. That usually stops questions about other children and they start just asking questions about my daughter or the subject is changed all together. I dont like talking about my loss unless it will be beneficial to someone else so I dont.

K.,
As a stranger or an acquaintance asking the question I would be inquiring about living children. I might feel very uncomfortable if you brought up the painful subject of the death of a child. In that case I would recommend just saying you have a 2 year old daughter. You are not denying that your son lived, just answering the intended meaning of the question.

I would think you could answer something like, "I have a two year old daughter and a I lost a premature son" when someone closer asks, or when meeting another mother who you'll have time to visit with or someone who might be able to converse more with you about it if the conversations continues that way. As a mother at playgroup, for example, I would be fine with hearing that response when meeting you because I am looking to find friends and get to know other ladies in that setting, and that is a big part of who you are as a person.

My mother-in-law tells people she has 23 grandchildren - 20 living and 3 in heaven - because she does count my sisters'-in-law miscarriages as her grandchildren. However my one sister-in-law hates that she brings it up, even all these years later, I think because she has worked through it and doesn't want it up for discussion with everyone. Anyway, that's my two cents. Blessings on what you work out.

Hi K.,

I cannot help you with a suggestion about what to say, because I have not suggered a loss like yours.

I do want to say that you are not over thinking this question and it is very healthy for you to create an answer that keeps your youngest alive in your hearts.

I liked what B.K.L said and I think it is great.

Just remember, you do not owe anyone an explaination about your family situation. You could say "I have 2 children, but only 1 is with us now" and leave it at that. It is also OK to tell people you do not want to talk about it.

I noticed you're local, and I wanted to let you know about Baby Blues Connection. They are a group who deal with postpartum depression, but if you're interested in a support group of other Mom's who have lost their chid, I'm sure they could help you.

You are going through a healing process, and I hope you seek out support when you need it.

Sincerely

R. Magby

If I were to ask someone how many kids they have I would just want a quick answer. I would not be asking a personal question about a life event that had such a private and personal effect on your life. If the people are your friends then they know about your son. As for a casual acquaintance, I would say tell them you have 1 daughter.

Coming from a family where miscarriages are not uncommon, I would say that if you're asked that question, they're asking "have" as in how many children do you currently have? I think if I asked that question and someone said "2", counting a lost child, and I said "oh, how old is your other one?" and they said they lost that child, I would feel extremely uncomfortable and horrible about even asking. It's one of those situations where you'd feel as if you put your foot in your mouth because you didn't know, even though it's a natural question when getting to know someone. I agree with the one poster who said that when you become friends with someone on a more intimate level, you can choose to tell them about your lost child.

I know that saying we have one beautiful little girl and an angel baby boy or say his name if you gave him one. It's a way to acknowledge him but not necessarily bring up an awkward moment or the need to explain more.

I always respond with "I have one Angel, 5 earthlings, 14 grands and 18+ greats, and counting....." Works for me.
Good Luck
C.
Cave Junction,OR

A lot of people have mentioned that acknowledging your son's birth and loss would be awkward for the person who asked the question. There's no question that it would be, but it's not your job to keep things happy for everyone else while suffering inside. I think you have to think less about what other people want to hear and more about how much you want to say or talk about. You'll probably find that depending on the day or the person you'll want to mention him--and weather the questions or awkwardness--or just not get into it. Both are perfectly fine and part of the grief process. Remember also, that people don't always know what to say and sometimes they say the absolute wrong thing. Try to be forgiving--people aren't trying to be rude it just comes out that way.

I can't begin to feel your hurt at the question, but I like BKL's answer too. Give as much info as you would like..or don't..it IS none of their business most of the time! However, people will ask..and acting like a shrew won't keep others from asking. Think of a short succinct way of putting it and leave it at that. If you want to be mysterious about it you can say something like "We have a beautiful six year old and we pray for our son every day". (that will get their goat..use the word pray and they won't ask..and if they do they are very rude if they don't know you very personally. Being attached to something that was a part of you is not wrong and to deny it happened would sort of be wrong to your heart from what you have written. SO, I suggest you find some way to either lighten the answer, or use something like BKL's example..or Laurie A. also has a good one.

We've lost two babies and with people I'll see again, I'm pretty open about having been pregnant 4 times. The clerk at the grocery store, I don't worry about it. It's not ignoring how many children I have but it's like when someone asks how you're doing and you just say good even when you're not really. Same idea.

sorry about the loss of your son. i have not had this experience, but imagine that i would just tell people that i have one child (or whatever the number of living children is). when you meet people casually, that is probably not they way that you want to define yourself - once you meet them more intimately, the loss of your son will likely come up. not to deny his existence, but it might make people that you meet uncomfortable if that is one of the first things you tell them - it is a personal thing, not (in my opinion) something that needs to be shared casually.

I would just say one. In your heart you will always have 2 children, but if someone does not know you well enough to know your situation, they probably do not need to know about your personal loss. I am sorry for your family's loss.

I would simply say I have a daughter and we lost our son at [birth, ______ weeks, etc.]. You could probably throw in a look that says you would rather not discuss that with anyone further. My music pastor and his wife have two lovely daughters, a 13-year-old and a 3 1/2-year-old, but they lost a son in-between when he was 3 to cancer. They decided to have their second daughter after that so they wouldn't raise the older child alone. I do NOT know how they are able to talk about it, but they do, sometimes. All someone would have to say to me is that they lost a child and I would be making damn sure they acted like they wanted to talk about it more before I would ever ask questions. I am so sorry for your loss and you definitely should continue to consider him one of your children. My husband's aunt also lost a son when she was 8 months pregnant and he was stillborn. He has a name and is buried with family. Anyway, I'm not in your situation, but this is how I hear people talking about it when they are able to. I think most people would be respectful if you use a basic statement and would not ask more questions. Blessings.

I totally agree with Jennifer S. Well said.

First off - I am so sorry. I'm so sorry that it happened to you and I'm so sorry that such a simple question forces you to think about it so often.

This is my opinion. If you are in a comfortable situation with a new friend and your really bonding over wine or lemonade - whatever...acknowledging both your children makes sense. You're in church - both children all the way. They both have souls. Your doctor asks you - both children because you've given birth two times.

But if I was meeting a mother at pre-school or whatever and I asked, "How many children do you have?" I'm asking about her every day raising the kids. Or if there is another one close in age to mine, etc. In my mind, when the question is asked - it means living with you. It means, I have to stand here and wait for my kid to find where she hid her bunny so I might as well get to know a mother of a child in her class, etc.

So, I would answer according to the situation as to what is comfortable to you. But you KNOW that you aren't denying your sons existence. Your not saying you have one child because your embarressed of him. It's because you literally have one child that lives in your home with you.

God Bless.

There are six of us living but my mother had nine. She says she is the mother of nine. You are the mother of two children, you can add that if you wish. There are a lot of kind hearted people out there who understand. Most people can be answered by simply letting them know you lost your son. If you wish to share you will.