Two issues I deal with- general anxiety and crazy people-pleasing. I want the important people in my life to be ok and when I think they aren't, it makes me anxious. Its a problem when it's family, cause when anxiety producing situations come up, I get freaked out because if I say something about the issue and they get upset, my anxiety doubles. It's a lose/lose. What are some strategies to deal with this? It's so painful :(
I did a 12 step program. Cleaned off my side of the street and allowed me to see that everybody else's street wasn't in my control.
They just want you to listen-not fix-so do just that-and no more.
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I second the book on Approval Addiction and calm my anxious heart. Yoga may help and counsoling.
See a Doctor.
Or a Naturopath for alternatives to anxiety.
You are in a constant vicious cycle... about having to "please" everyone in order to "control" things. It is also a manifestation of trying to "control" what you cannot control. But try to.
Therefore, you are making yourself "responsible" for everyone, and therefore, it gets you stressed. And anxious.
Therefore, you are in a vicious cycle, of pleasing everyone.
Or, did you grow up in a family/household in which there was a lot of stress and/or you felt responsible for any problems that arose? Or did either of your parents act this way?
Sometimes, stress related anxiety, is a coping mechanism, in order to control the unpredictable havoc that a person feels around them.
And thus, you are constantly walking on eggshells around everyone.
Sounds like you may have an anxiety disorder. If so there is medication that can help calm you. I also suggest counseling so that you can find out why you feel the need to please people and how to stop that vicious cycle.
Know that others well being is not your responsibility, if they're adults. Remind yourself of that everyday and especially when you're faced with that situation. Start with the positive affirmation of "i can be aware of so and so's problem. I do not need to do anything. I am a good person."
What you say to yourself makes a big difference in how you feel. I was a people pleaser in my youth, 20's and 30's. I finally got started in counseling and after years of therapy I finally do not let the need to please people run my life, tho I do still sometimes get anxious and step in when it's not beneficial. I think positive affirmations helped me most after understanding why I was a people pleaser.
Sounds like you're still pretty dependent on your family's approval. You may have a co-dependent personality. There are many good books about co-dependency. Reading about it helped me quite a bit.
Anxiety is a pain in the you know what! I've always had high anxiety (one of those awesome childhoods ;P ) So I tend to avoid confrontation too but I learned over time that the more problems I swallow deep down just fester and make my anxiety worse.
My advice is to be as logical as possible. I'm a very emotional person. There are times I have to tell myself that I'm too emotional to talk about or even think about a topic. It helps me to try to remove the emotion, otherwise I'd never say anything in fear of hurting someone's feelings. A lot of times I wait for the perfect moment to bring up an issue. It may take a couple months, but that's fine because I've thought it through enough that I'm prepared. For example, I've been wanting to just discuss with my hubby how important it is for him to spend quality time with our son, but it can be a touchy subject. I waited about a month and he started talking about a co-worker who is a workaholic and never spends time with his kids. Perfect opportunity and my hubby thinks it was his idea!
Once I asked a doctor to prescribe me medication because I was SUPER anxious about having a tooth pulled. She prescribed Xanax, but gave me a small dose, 10 pills and asked me to try it before the appt so I knew how it worked for me. I ended up taking one or two later during an especially anxious event and wow did it help! I honestly would like to one day (when not pregnant/nursing) get a prescription to take as needed. It just mellowed me out so I could think clearer and not be SO invested in the issue. It may be something to look into for those real rough days. Honestly, I think the strategies I learned after taking the pill taught me some things so I wouldn't have to take them as often.
Best of luck!!
Therepy, journaling, keeping to your own business are a few things. I can get upset about what my family is doing as well, but I try to find a safe person to vent to (Therepy) and move on.
I concur that Joyce Meyer has dealt with some of the same issues and more! she has a testimony that IMHO most woman should hear if you believe in God or not she has simple solutions to our everyday issues.
I try to listen to her every morning before I begin my day and I tell you it makes difference.
