How Should I Handle Letting My Exs New Girlfriend in My Sons Life?

You need to work out custody and child support agreements in consultation with a lawyer. A friend of mine specified in the custody agreement that was negotiated when they divorced that their kids would not be introduced to any boyfriends/girlfriends by either of them for 12 months after the divorce was final, to allow the kids time to adjust to the divorce. So, I know that this kind of thing can be negotiated, but you need to have it put into the custody agreement, which should be written by your lawyer and filed in court along with the child support agreement.

If you were married, your divorce lawyer can help; if you were not married, then find a family law lawyer.

ETA: Forgot to say - don't meet with her. Just don't.

I understand your concerns. When I met my husband, he was ending a marriage with 2 kids. I didn't meet them for a while, and I didn't stay over when they were there. My husband shared an apartment with another divorced guy, and they had their kids on opposite weekends, so that's where the kids went. Later my husband and I got a place together, but I moved out on weekends (hiding my stuff in the attic and staying with friends).

I'm going to urge you not to get involved with the girlfriend. Don't meet with her. She's not the enemy, she's not the parent, and you have no control over her at all. At worst, you will make things more complicated and empower her, as if she has some say in your child's life. Even if things go perfectly, you are telling your ex that parenting is a "woman thing" and he's not a factor!

The fact is, your problem and your challenge is with your ex. So you are together until your child is 18 and you have to learn to co-parent. Your conversations MUST be with him, or with his attorney through your attorney. Period. That doesn't mean you are rejecting her involvement at some point, but that she's not a parent in this situation. It's not up to you to advise her, correct her, direct her or encourage her. If she stays in the picture, fine. If their relationship fails, then you really don't want to be invested in her.

You absolutely must work with an attorney or at least a mediator if your ex agrees and you think you can work these things out with just one legal representative. Your attorney will recommend a custody/visitation agreement that should include overnights/contacts with new partners/dates for both of you. Don't make it about HIS dates - make it about BOTH of you so it's equal. Both of you can agree to only be with another person if the child is not there. If your ex wants to see your son for overnights, he can take him to a motel, to Grandma's, to Aunt Susie's, to a campground, or his girlfriend can do what I did - move out without leaving a trace. (For me, furniture was fine - the kid can't tell - but no clothes, no accessories and no toiletries.) If it's too much of a hassle, then he's not that devoted a father, and he can see his son during the day.

Get past the idea that you get to decide if he's in good hands if you're not there. You must, as a woman who has been denied equal rights (as we all have), be willing to extend equal rights of parenting to your husband. You cannot pass this off to the woman just because she's female. That's actually telling your husband that he doesn't have to do the parenting. It's sexist, and it's a huge mistake long range. He's the dad. He's going to make beds and make lunches and do laundry and fix boo-boos and pack clothes (or buy the correct sizes) and stop handing everything over to a woman - you or his girlfriend. He wants an open relationship? Fine, he's got one, and all that it entails.

And DON'T give him visitation in your home! He's out, he's out! He can manage the inconveniences! Don't help him have less responsibility! Besides, it will confuse your son and make him think Daddy is coming home. Daddy lives elsewhere - that is the reality of divorce. Don't muddy those waters.

How you "handle this as a woman" is: do not do any of this without first consulting with a lawyer or mediator. Do not meet with the woman, do not allow your son to spend this time with her, until you and your ex create a custody/visitation agreement with a lawyer or mediator.

First you need to protect yourself (and your son) by getting a reputable divorce attorney.
Your ex does not seem like an honest thoughtful person, and it's time you put yourself first.
An attorney will help put everything in writing and keep it legal, and should educate you on your rights as a divorcing parent.
DO NOT agree to anything with your ex or sign anything without first consulting with your attorney.
The next best thing you can do is request that you and your ex attend co-parenting classes together to help your son adjust.
Sorry you are going through this.
I hope you have a good support network you can lean on.

My husband's brother has lived with a new girlfriend who had kids - they moved in just after they got together. They have since split up a couple of times. I can only imagine what that does to a kid.

I always think the making it terms of separation/custody that for 6 months, no overnights, etc. (or longer) is in the children's best interests.

I would try talking to your ex first - saying that you don't want to confuse your son and to keep things as simple as possible for now, until separation is figured out (lawyer), to meet up elsewhere. I know a couple who allowed the dad to use the family home (the mom left) for a few hours when it was time to spend together. That might not work if you're not on the best of terms - but it's a possibility.

I personally would not be interested in meeting the girlfriend (at this point). You and your ex will be responsible for parenting your son. If they are still together in 6 months, then you can think about it ... but I know plenty of people who don't meet the 'affair' or new girlfriend until the relationship is well established.

Sorry you are going through this. I think your son and you are better off without him - time for a fresh start. Keep us posted :)

It sounds like doing the visitation in your home (previously both of your home) would be a good solution. You can always leave for a few hours (lock up your valuables - no sense in tempting fate) while son and dad visit. I know it isn't ideal, but it is probably easiest for your son as he works through the transition of you two breaking up. Hiring a mediator/lawyer/guardian ad litem immediately is important so you can keep consistency with your son's visitation with his dad. Voice your concerns, let the mediator make their recommendations, and then follow them to the letter.

Don't meet the girlfriend - that never ends well.

Remember, the best "revenge" is living well. Be happy you are not with this guy (sounds like you are), feel good about yourself, be strong for your son, and live well. If your son sees YOU do all the right things, it ultimately won't matter what dad does or doesn't do.

Good luck!

It is not at all unusual for parenting agreements to lay out a time limit for how long one must be with a new person before they are introduced to a child, often that is around 6 months and that is completely reasonable since you don't want people coming in and out of your child's life. It is time for a lawyer. It is not about being petty or spiteful, it is about protecting your son.

Of course when it becomes time you need to try to be supportive, you don't want to put your son in the middle of anything.

Absolutely nothing. She is not your son's Mom or Dad. She is one of many woman who will be in your ex-husbands life. Your son is old enough to advise you of any concerns he may have when visiting with his father. If you call there and she answers the phone you ask for your ex-husband. No need for her to relate why you called to your Ex. Do not start any conversation with her at all. All decisions concerning your son is between you and his dad. No need to be mean but no need for her to be a third parent. Really simple! You are the mom and your are the boss. Bottom line.