My daughter just turned 12. She's the youngest in her class (started K at 4 years old) so most of her friends are about a full year older than her. She is asking, can she go to the movies with a group of friends , can she go to the mall with a group of friends? (I would drop her off and pick her up) - she has been asking probably for a year and my answer has always been no. I "have" took her to the mall w her friends , and let them go off on their own, and we have a spot where they were to check in with me , after a set amount of time. No problems with that. Our area we live , I'd consider "normal" ..... it's a smaller city outside of Orlando, FL.... It's not the most UN safe area , but ... things happen. Just like they happen anywhere. I'm a very protective mother but , I am wondering now if she is old enough to do this things? So - what are your opinions? Is 12 years old too young to do these things alone? Being dropped off & picked up by your parents? Thanks!
Yes she's been home alone. For a couple of hours here and there. There are 1-2 mornings per week when my husband and I leave for work about an hour before she has to head off to the bus stop. So she is responsible for getting herself ready, leaving on time, cleaning up after herself , etc. Also there have been times (as recent as yesterday) that I'll go run a couple errands and she'll stay home alone for a little bit. She's a pretty responsible kid. As far as GOING places unsupervised, not really. The most would be , when I've taken her to the mall and let her and her friends go off for a couple hours then we meet up later. But I stay at the mall. She went to the movies with her friend and friends family. Her and her friend saw one movie while the family was in the other theater watching a different movie. Oh, and she is in the 7th grade. Just started 7th grade.
I would drop off 12 year olds for a movie then pick them up...maybe a bite.
But roaming the mall? That's been cracked down on around here. Plus I don't see the point. I don't see the mall as a social area.
Cell phone. A cheap cheap one, she takes it with her and the only option in it is to call you/home. Once she is home it gets put away.
Let her go. :)
My granddaughter is 14 and has been out and about with friends just this summer. She started asking to do this around 12. Her folks or I would be in the mall but not with her until this summer. Her parents started slowly with letting her be on her own. First dropping her off and picking her up in the spring. Letting her walk the few blocks to Fred Meyer from my house.
She was responsible with those privileges. By July she was able to go places on her own with a plan in place. This morning, after dance practice, she and friends rode MAX, public transportation, to Denny's for breakfast and will ride MAX back home or cqll me to pick her up.
After your SWH: your daughter at 12 sounds much more mature than my granddaughter. I suggest you could start letting her have more freedom.
We've been talking with her about personal safety for years. We've planned together for what she can do in a few negative situations. She has to have her cell phone and has to check in periodically. She has to have a reason, other than to hang out, at the mall.
She has acted responsibly through the steps. I suggest it's important to gradually increase the amount of freedom allowed. How quickly you move depends on how well she handles it. We started this process around 12 with the initial being in the mall with her to being in mall and checking in at specified time and place to being allowed to being there on her own for a specific purpose this summer at age 14.
I'm a retired police officer. I recommend against just hanging out at the mall. Yes, shopping while looking for specific items or eating in the food court. This does allow for some hanging out but with a goal. The mall closest to us has gangs and shootings about once a year. The temptation to shoplift increases with familiarity of space. The space becomes so common it's easy to feel like I it belongs to you.
I can see a definite increase in maturity in my granddaughter from age 12 to 14 with the greatest increase in the last 6 months.
Added: we have to be comfortable with her friends and know parents. At first had to meet friends and talk with parents but we've gradually become less involved. This morning she's with dance team members. I've been with the team and met some parents so I'm comfortable with the groups maturity.
I think at 12, she should be able to be dropped off and picked up from the movies with a group of friends. She is in 6th grade? Middle School? They start attending dances and performances at this age.
At 12, I was watching 3 relatives all summer during the week days. This included the cooking.
The rule is to give her a chance and if successful a few times, allow her a little more opportunities. Remind her she needs to follow your rules. If she breaks your rules during these outings or events, she will have gain back your trust for a long time.
She will do great.
A mall over here banned un-accompanied teens.
There were fights, gang activity, shop lifting, harassing shoppers, etc.
People were dumping their kids and leaving them and they were running wild.
Business has really picked up with the ban in place.
I don't care how old our son gets - he's not 'hanging out' at the mall.
Fortunately he has no desire to do so.
It's not a day care or a play ground - it's a place of business.
You want them to be able to 'hang out'? - then have them all over at your house.
I think 12 years old is old enough to go with a group of friends to the mall. Not much can happen at a mall, especially if she's picked up and dropped off. I didn't feel the need to stay at the mall when my 12 year old was there with her friends.
Make sure she has her cell, and stays with the group.
I would be okay with it if she is trustworthy.
How much responsibilty have you given her in other areas? Has she been home alone? Has she shown herself to be responsible and trustworthy otherwise?
If you have never allowed her to do anything on her own to groom her to be responsible and trustworthy without your supervision, I wouldn't suddenly drop her into a situation such as this.
L.,
At 12, I like the drop off and stay that you have been doing. It's a great compromise. You aren't walking around with her and you are close enough but not too close.
My boys are 12 and 14 - I've allowed them to go out on group outings alone. That is because I know each of the kids and their parents that are going and I typically drive them all at the same time.
When I was 12? I was walking 2 miles to the movie theater with a group of friends. That was before cell phones and all the gangs and drugs we have now.
You need to work with your daughter on personal safety and your expectations. Compromise...remind her how important her safety is to you as well as how important TRUST is....once she breaks that trust? things aren't good.
I allowed mine to go with groups of kids at that age without me having to count noses every half hour. I wouldn't let her go off for the whole day without supervision, but for a movie, or a couple of hours mall-ratting, sure.
What's the difference if you stay at the mall - and you are not with her - vs. dropping her off? Devil's advocate...something could happen while you were there, too, since you let her go off with her friends.
In other words, your presence doesn't mean/do much. Know what I mean?
I think if you feel she is responsible enough to get herself to school in the morning, and stay home alone for a bit, she is also responsible enough to go to the mall alone for a couple of hours.
She knows what to do if she gets into trouble, I'm sure you're confident in that. So if you're not going to be at her side, I can't see what difference it makes, honestly.
Give her a little rope.
Tyler and I do not let our boys go to the mall unattended. Not even in Buckhead. The malls here in Georgia do not allow children under the age of 13 to roam alone.
They get dropped off for group things at the movie theater and ice/roller skating.
If your daughter has shown responsibility and hasn't done anything to show you she can't handle this? I would allow her to go on group outings. Since you have never allowed her unsupervised before this? I agree with others, don't just drop her into this. Talk to her about what you expect and how to contact you.
The apron strings have to be cut at some point and this is away for her to establish some independence relatively safely.
We did allow our daughter to go to movies, mall with groups, and pool with friends. They just checked in via text every now and then. I did not stick around and nose into what they were doing. Trust that you have taught her well.
That said, since we did this with our daughter, about 6 yrs ago, the malls have put rules into place about any children under a certain age roaming free with no parent in the mall. If no parent can be found, they are escorted to security where parents are called to come get them. Some bad apples ruin a fun thing for many! Some other areas have a rule such as 17 after 7 meaning no one under 17 to be without an adult after 7pm.
I will ask you what I asked myself when my older kids were that age and wanted to go to a movie. Friends mom would drop off and I would pick up. Do you let her go out and hang around with her friends, without you. Does she get home from school on her own? Are you concerned about her and friends doing something or someone else? Like someone else mentioned, anything can happen anywhere. Low chances actually but it can. Since she will be picked up and dropped off, why not try it. If you don't think she is responsible enough---which you have made not even a suggestion of--then she will have to prove it. Our kids cannot spread their wings and at least stretch them out to feel things if we don't let them. If you are concerned about a late hour, why not suggest a matinee for the first time or 2.?
I would, but I would either want to talk to the parents who would be driving or drive her to/from myself. Allow her time to buy a ticket, meet up with friends, etc. Do you have a cell phone she can use or I would consider a very cheap pay as you go phone with just enough minutes to call home. If she's been responsible to this point and you know the friends and you know the mall, etc, then I would let her try. It wouldn't be much different to have her and her friends be at the mall solo as it is being at the mall with you somewhere else in the mall. If there would be another family along, I'd definitely let her go.
I think age 12 is fine if your daughter is responsible and trustworthy. In junior high, I was frequently going places alone with friends - always with a parent to drop us off and pick us up. If it would make you more comfortable, get her a cell phone with limited use - no internet, just a set amount of calling - and require her to answer the phone anytime you call. If she doesn't pick up, or call back within 5 minutes of you calling (give her a chance in case she couldn't answer at the moment) then she loses the privilege to go places with friends unsupervised. You don't need to let her have the phone in her possession at all times either, just when she's going out with friends. Tell her texting is not acceptable as a reply - you must hear her voice (otherwise, it could be someone else sending the text and you'd never know).
I wouldn't do it. It doesn't matter that her friends are all 1 year at least older than her. I know there are some red shirted kids in there too so some of them are at least 2 years older than her.
There's no way I'd let a 12 year old go off on her own with friends until she was maybe....14? I wouldn't do a mall at all. All you have to do is read stories on the internet about horny old men who flash young girls, pull them into a hallway, and more in malls.
I grew up in Altamonte Springs, and worked in that mall for 13 years after high school. My parents would not have allowed me to go there at age 11/12 without supervision. And when I was able to go on my own at 13, my friend and I met some boys and hung out with them at the mall and then went to a movie with these boys we didn't know and then back into the mall for pick up time. I think 12 is too young. I consider this mall safe, but it has definitely changed in 30+ years. Working in the mall, there would be times kids would act up and be disruptive(I once chased a kid riding a skateboard down the main aisle in cosmetics) and we would ask them to leave. I would always ask, "where is your Mother?" and they would reply, "I'm old enough, don't need my Mom here." and I would say, "obviously you do, because you are acting like a 3 year old who needs supervision". I guess it would depend on the maturity of your daughter and how influential her friends are. If the friends are well known by you and you trust them and your daughter, then Its probably ok. But not for all day or anything. Maybe an hour or two. My son is 11 and very responsible, but not mature enough to wander the mall with friends. It depends on the child. My son has just started 6th grade( I wonder if they are at the same school?) and is looking for that independence, but yet is afraid to stay on his own if I run up to the store or something.
You sound exactly like I was when my youngest started doing some things. He was technically a year younger,but he has a Sept. 1 birthday. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You are the mother and if you make that decision so be it. We don't pay your bills, can give you advice but if you want to protect your daughter no one should ever make you feel guilty about it.
I think the way you are handling it is fantastic! Things are different now than when we were kids. I did the same as you in going to the mall with my daughter (she did harass me about going by herself, but keeping her safe is my job). Only when she was 17 did I allow her to go to the mall without a parent being in the mall.
