How Much Should I Help Daughter's Friend with Activities

I know the situation must feel very difficult, especially without spousal support. My feeling is that maybe you have been in this place for a reason. Have you talked to the girl about her mother and the drinking situation. You could have been put in her life to help her. Show her how to break the cycle of drinking. As she gets older it'll be even harder for her to resist the temptation and example set before. Be a role model and let her know what you had to go through. I wish you all the best.

well, when my daughter was at that age her and her friends always wanted to go places and i was like that i was the one that always had to take them and no one ever wanted to help out... but then my daughters best friends mom said that she would start taking them all the time and that was fine with me until i found out that she was on the drugs real bad and she would always go off the road all the time and i didnt like that ..so one time i said i could take them but i didnt have my car at home so i use her car to take them and she went with me will we stop to get gas and then there was somthing the matter with her car so we was going back home and yes the girls was mad but they got over it.. and any way the car stop right at the tracks and i couldnt get it to move so the other mom that was all druged up got in and got it to start and i wasnt in the car at the tim and there was a train coming and she went any way it almost hit them and she dont remember any of that so for then on i took the girls where ever they wanted to go i know i shouldnt of all the time but i didnt want nothing to happen to my daughter or her friend ..D.

I would suggest gradually doing less and less with this friend. If her home life is tumultuous, with non-involved and drinking parents, it will eventually manifest itself in behavioral ways in the friend as they get into the teen years.

First, I've read several of the responses and want to thank Mamasource for creating a venue for caring consultation. When I was a young mother with such dilemmas, I only had a few friends and family to talk over such things with and was not able to discuss the principles of the matter because people knew each other. I didn't want my efforts to gather perspectives on the matter to create problems or start gossip. I also want to encourage those who are more grandmama-aged to jump in and respond. We may not be up-to-date on some issues, but experience is valuable to new moms.

Although I didn't always have human advice, I was not alone. Whenever I sought God's advice, it came. So my first suggestion is to pray over such decisions. The prayer that always seemed to get the clearest response is when I was most detached about the answer. I would pray, "Please show me what is most pleasing to You and in harmony with Your will. And please, give me the energy, the vision, the wisdom, the patience, the courage, or whatever strength or support is needed to do it in a manner worthy of Your grace."

Another consideration to keep in mind is the way we look upon the faults of others. There are many 'parentally-challenged' people out there and many who are slaves to their addictions. Children suffer so much in these situations. If these parents were in wheelchairs or suffered from some obvious physical or mental disability, we might feel differently about them. Ignorance is also a disability. Somewhere in the Gospels it says something like, "Unto whomsoever much is given, much shall be required." The fact that you and your husband have control of your life is something to value, and, perhaps, something to share. None of her parents' frailties are the child's fault. I do believe that the children are the primary responsibility of the parents, but are ultimately the responsibility of the community when the parents fail them. Each generation cares for the next. As my grandmother said, "That's how we pay for our own raising." I know I am grateful for the adults in my youth who spent time helping me in ways my parents weren't able. They changed the trajectory of my life, which has allowed me to serve people of all ages for decades.

Thirdly, it is important to look beyond the present moment, when your life is so filled with service to children. It is not likely that those parents are going to change, but these girls are changing daily, and they have a friendship, which is precious beyond description. Nurture and educate what you can. But do it because you want to do something loving, something noble -- not because you feel trapped. It is an honor to serve. You are no slave. This is your decision to make. So, make the decision you will be proud of ten years from now. Those kids are growing up quickly. Your chance to do this for them can slip easily through your fingers.

Lastly, but certainly not leastly, a great piece of advice that gave clarity to my decisions for many years was something uttered by a great man who visited the US nearly a century ago, `Abdu'l-Baha. He said, "...we must, in order to succeed in our aims, sacrifice the important for the most important." Once I was clear about what was most important, it became easier to make a decision and act on it knowing I had made my own choice, not because others were limiting my choices. Feeling good about my own choice and keeping my focus on the joyful reasons I made that choice kept me from being distracted by those 'less important' aspects, such as the seemingly poor decisions others were making.

It really all comes down to asking yourself, and God, "What is most important? What are the things I need the courage to change? What are the things I need the patience to accept?" Only as we grapple with these questions and experiment by acting on decisions do we ever develop "the wisdom to know the difference."

Personally, I think it is so wonderful that you care so much about your daughter and are thinking-your-way-through parenting rather than reacting-your-way-through. It is wonderful that you discuss the issue with your husband, even though his answer may not seem well thought out. I hope, IF your decision does not agree with his advice, you are able to explain that you appreciate his sense of justice, but that you are willing to sacrifice and accept a bit of injustice for yourself in order to nurture your daughter's friendships and to help a young girl who would otherwise be left to suffer a greater injustice. If he can see you have made the decision in an empowered manner, not resentfully, he is much more likely to support your efforts.

Mom's like you make my heart sing! You go, Mama!

My boys are in their 20s now, so I have the benefit of a little hindsight.
Our house was THE house where all the boys spent the night. Every weekend during the school year, and many, many summer nights. I often resented other parents for not reciprocating, but I also figured that was not the child's fault.
When I see those friends now, they will talk about "the old days" and their memories of some of those overnights. Several of them drop the occasional hello to my husband on the web. It's great. They truly appreciate now what we gave back then, and somehow that makes it all worthwhile. Good luck, keep driving!

I can certainly understand your frustration, but as a Christian I feel that it is all of our "duty" to help the children. Remember you are doing this for the child (and your own child who enjoys her friend being with her) not for the parents. As long as you are going there anyway and will be making the trip with or without the friend, is it that big of a deal? I understand you feeling used by the friend's parents - but we all have to do whatever we can to help the children - all of the children. Even though her parents will likily never be able to help you our or even thank you, chances are that this girl will always remember that you were there for her and you could be the only positive adult influence she has in her life - never under-estimate that impact on the life of a child, these little things you do could make a profound difference in the future of this girls life! God Bless you for helping this child.

I didn't have drug and alcohol issues in my home growing up but I was the one that was always asking for rides to get to the place that I wanted to go. It was always such a hassle and I was always so appreciative of my friends parents who were more than willing to come and get me. I agree with the others who have said that this girl needs you. This is a critical time in her life and you never know when the influence that you have on her will help her to make the right choices in life and not follow the same path as her parents. Don't be suprised if she starts coming to you with questions as she gets older instead of her mom. I'm sure that your daughter appreciates your willingness to help her friend as well.

I have a quick story for you and I hope it helps. A friend of mine lived next door to a boy who's father had drug and alcohol problems and who's mother was out of the picture. She has 3 kids of her own and this boy was a couple of years older then her oldest but he would come over to their house to play with her kids whenever things would get bad at home. As I understand it, this went on for a couple of years and he was ALWAYS welcome in their home. Then one day he called and asked her husband to come to the hospital. The boys father signed paperwork to give them legal custody and then passed away. They have since adopted the boy and he is so much a part of their family that when I first met them, I would never have guessed that he was not on of their own. I know that this type of thing doesn't happen everyday and is a bit extreme but I pray that if I had been in her shoes, the boy would have felt just as comfortable at my house. I shudder to think what would have happened to him if they had not welcomed him with open arms. In my mind, my friend is a true hero.

I doubt that your situation will ever be as serious as my friends, but you never know how you are effecting this girls life.

There is a reason you have been put in this girl's life. She NEEDS you. It is a shame her own mother can't be there for her, but somebody needs to be and it looks like you are the chosen one. If you turn your back on her now, that's one more person in her life that has done so. How devastating! She's at an age where she needs a good example of how to conduct herself responsibly, and she's not getting it at home. Try to think of it as an honor to help lead this child down the right path. If she doesn't get involved with these positive extra circular activities with you and your daughter, her options are limited to the negative influences at home.

I love how most of these other moms have been responding. We all have guides placed in our lives. Perhaps you've been placed as hers . . . which is quite an honor, really. Embracing the position with which you've been "entrusted" will help you feel deeper gratitude for your own blessings.

Hi S. !
I have been and still am where you are. It does get frustrating sometimes, but you need to ask yourself a question.
Are you willing to stand and watch whatever consequences come from you not being in this young ladies life?
You didn't say, but I am assuming that this young girl is respectful and not a problem when she is with you? It isn't a complaint that you write about anyway. You could be the one person that God is using as an influence to this child and to help her in her future as a mother.
My house is the house to be. It is constantly full of teens or 5 year olds. I'm constantly taking the teens someplace and providing snacks, pop, or whatever for them all. I don't know if you have looked around at a lot of parents today, but our teens are in dire need of parents that are willing and want to be parents. When they are with me, I KNOW what is going on!! When they are at other parents places I DO NOT KNOW and I have heard some horror stories from my oldest 2 children that will keep me gladly providing some kind of support, care, love and guidance for the kids that want to pile into my vehicle or pile up at my home and spend their time and days.
My husband used to feel the same as yours. I have explained to him how I feel and he has since come around and has opened his eyes to see the kind of treatment these kids get other places. Now it is nothing for us to pile into both of our vehicles to provide transportation.
You have gotten some wonderful feedback with this question. I hope it has helped you some, and gives you some phrases to look back on when you feel used by these other parents.
Good Luck! And Happy Mentoring !!!!!

If you're driving that way anyway, why not take her too? She needs a good adult in her life and tag-you're it. Maybe some time you could take her to an ala-teen meeting or casually mention how hard it was for you growing up in an alcoholic family and get some dialog going. Maybe God put her in your life for a reason. I don't think her parents will step up to the plate if you don't take her.
D.-adult child of an alcoholic, healed by Jesus

It sounds like you are pretty frustrated with the situation. I was one of those kids – the one that never had the ride. If it wasn’t for my friend’s parents, I wouldn’t have been able to do anything. I am very grateful to them for the opportunities it presented me.

You might want to keep in mind that your issue is with her parents, not her. The girl cannot control her parents’ habits. And it sounds like she’s better off with you than at home.

So the question is really – do you want to accept the position of role model you’ve inadvertently become?

This is the perfect scenario to show your daughter what caring for others is all about. Her friend needs someone like you and your daughter in her life. It sounds like her home life may not be all that it should be and positive role models are key to her successful future. I came from a childhood that was far from perfect and I had a good friend with a family that supported me in my teenage years. They were my lifesavers, because I am sure I would have went down some unsavory paths if it had not been for their loving support. I do understand your feeling of being used...just try to turn your thinking around knowing that you are doing something positive for this young lady in a time of her life that is very impressionable. Go for it, give her the compassion she needs! Just for the record I am 50 years old and have raised two daughters, and a lot of what I learned about unconditional love came from the relationship I had with my best friend and her family. Best of luck to you and happy wheeling!!!

I think I might call the mom up and say "I don't mind taking your daughter to all her activities, but gas is high and I would appreciate a little help with gas money (and suggest a reasonable amount"). This way she realizes that you are feeling used, but you are able to still sound kind too. If you were reimbursed for the gas it would probably help with the resentful feelings you and your husband are having.

Continue to help the girl. She has found a stable family to connect with. We had several kids that we felt "took advantage" of our generousity. At the time we sometimes resented it. It is interesting to us now when we visit our children at college or when they come home how many of those same kids visit with us. They became very much like our own children. You have been put in this young ladys life . Perhaps for a role mode or to understand what is it to be able to rely on someone. Who knows? But do yourself a favor. In the end it is your gain! Good luck. Pam L.

I think it will be hard to explain to your daughter why you won't take her friend and it seems to me that you are so tenderhearted that you'll have a hard time sticking to the no ride policy? Am I right? On the bright side your daughter is becoming a teenager and trust me its a lot better to have all of her friends at your house and in your car, then to have to worry about whats going on in your daughter's life. where shes at, what shes doing, ect ect. And last but not least is this little friend of your daughter's. Could you just do it for her and not worry about the parents? Not expect anything from them but think of it as doing something kind for a little girl? Well I know I've not been much help but please think about what it was like when you lived with acohol as a child. I do agree with the others that this child is in your life for a reason.

I remember being that age and my best friends mom took us almost everywhere, my dad worked the 2nd shift and my mom had an in home daycare until 6pm. If if I was going to do any after school activities, I did need a ride. My mom did do some of the running for us on the weekends to make up for it, but both our paretns knew each other so it was an understanding between them.

Anyway, think of it this way.....lets say her mom does have a problem this child does want to get out of the house......maybe she's embarassed, lonely or even scared. Maybe she feels safe with you. Envy's what the family life you have given your daughter, something you AND your husband should be proud of. This girl needs a chance, and by taking her under you wing for transportaion and such, you might be giving her that chance. Until you know the details, don't judge this child. Whatever it is, it's not her fault.

If you are worried about "getting sucked in", put limits on the amount of activities your daughter and her do, so you are not going everywhere all over town. Is the sucking in part due to the drinving itself or the fact you are taking two girls with no offer of help from the other parent? You are not a taxi service, but a supportive mother who does wish her child to try new things, and find her passion. Unfortunately for this other young lady, she does not have that support. That's a very large hole to fill for a child at this age and all the chages in an adolecents life on top of that. Another way to look at it is your daugher has chosen a friend for eho the person is...not what their parents can porvide for her, or what she has, but looking skin deep. Isn't that what we have always taught our children, not to judge a book before reading it's cover?

Have you really met the mother? Maybe you should try and spend some time together, ask her out for a drink, or coffee or something. Let her know that you would like for her to know you a little since your girls spend so much time together. IF she accepts, then GREAT! Maybe you can find some info and a better opinion, and yes....bring up the fact of all the girls activities, but do it casually in conversation...not as the intent of the get together. If she declines, find a time that is good for her, if she throws you a ton of excuses or sharply declines, then there is nothing you can do.

Bottom Line, what if something happened to you and you were no longer here for your daughter. And your husband couldn't provide the transportaion she needed to do her activities tht she loved.....wouldn't you want your daughter to have a chance as well to try something? What's the golden rule......Oh yeah, treat others as you wuld want to be treated. As I think about this more as I type, I'm feeling sorry for this young lady and feeling maybe you are a bit of a snob.

You need to think hard of what the big picture is, and not just how it affects you. This child may have been brought into your life for a reason, whether it's to save you or her or your daughter, nobody knows. Many senerios can come into play. Accept the challenge you have been given and try to be worthy enough to see it through.

Oh, you husband should read these responses you are getting, maybe it will change his heart as well...he's being an ungrateful man if he just want you to "cut the cord". That's vry crule. You have no idea what the consequenses will be if that happens.

Good Luck.

I was in the same position years ago with a friend of my son. Since you are taking your daughter to these places any way, why not just take her friend along, for two reason's, one being, she is never alone, and the other you are helping a child who would probably end up on the street and end up in a lot trouble. I know you feel you are being used. You already fear this mother has a drinking problem. So would you really let your daughter ride with her if she offered. BUT in the long run you are the lucky one, You have a child who sounds like she looks up to you and with you in the picture, she is able to have a responsible female in her life. some one she can talk to and look up to and be a good row model for her. In years to come you will look back and say how could I have ever felt that way, I made a big difference in her life.. When she comes up to you in years to come, (and she will) to Thank you you will wonder why you ever thought twice about helping this little girl.

well said Linda B. i agree 100%!!

you and your daughter are the support this girl needs in a very difficult time in her life. it doesn't sound like giving her rides is a huge inconvenience to you and the price is probably worth keeping her away from a terrible homelife that could have a negative influence on her. when she gets a bit older she may have more independence and probably not need you so much.

You and your husband will NOT like my advice:

"It takes a village", S..

To be quite honest, I do not think you or your husband like this girl very much. Otherwise, as parents, you would want to help her in any way you could if you do believe her mother is an alcoholic. Growing up with an alcoholic parent is not a picnic...remember?

You are driving your daughter to these activities anyhow. What difference is another young lady in the car going to make?? Your family could influence this young lady in a huge way for the rest of her life. So you need to ask yourselves, is she worth it? I think you will find your answer (especially if the roles were reversed).

It easy to have harsh feelings for an alcoholic mother but I think in this case you have to be sensitive to your daughter's friend. Being a daughter of an alcoholic you know those feelings first hand, but this is this girl's MOTHER!!! Sounds like she may need a positive female role model, and if you're taking your daughter anyway.... If the friend weren't in the activity you would be taking your daughter every time, right?

hello im a 34 yr old father of 4 17male,15male,10female,7male stay at home dad. see i worked as an heavy equipment operator my job required me to stay gone from home for up to 3 weeks at a time yes i made really really good money , but sitting there day after day never seeing my kids moving from motel to motel it kinda puts a kink in the family life ..... i had a decision to make (MONEY & NO FAMILY LIFE) or (BE THE FATHER MY KIDS NEED !!! ) well you know the answer to that. My kids mean the world to me and all their little (things) i have at leaste 3 to 4 extra teens at my house every day boys & girls and if they need to be somewhere ill take them but i make sure to say something as i go to my car like IM NOT WAITING YOU BETTER BE IN THE CAR BEFORE I GET THERE OR I (WILL} leave you i have even said that car doesnt leave here without gas money, i dont care if its a dollar you would be suprised how quickly money falls in my lap i dont like to do that. but hey if you make an effort to help yourself than i can make an effort to help you help yoursef. In your case i think what i would do is while Both your & their kids were at school i would go by their home and ask to talk to them both for a moment and explain to them whats up like you really need some help!!! (be it a day off) from activities or (5.00 for gas) Anything would help your life easier to handle ,I've learned that poeple are understanding and are willing to help, but they won't know if you don't tell them ........ I would start off with my daughter doesn't know im here, And I would really like to keep it this way, I wouldn't ask you if i didn't need to BUT I need to so here it is I was kinda wondering if we could come to a compermise i'll drive these days if you drive these days, I would even offer them a couple of bucks for gas as a good jestor to help out .and you never know they may do the same ( AND THE MORAL TO MY STORY IS )

I was willing to give up a good pay check,& a good job
just to see their smileing face's everyday &(I WOULD DO IT AGAIN,AGAIN,AGAIN)
I think kids deserve to have every oppurtunity to just be a kid, And as Adults we should provide Our own child or children the means to be K I D S

please write back I would like to here your (RESPONSE)

Thanks for Reading ____@____.com

WOW! You have a mess on your hands woman!

I guess you have to decide what you want to do. Do you want to be in charge of another child? I surely would not do things or take her places that were out of my way that my daughter was not already going to. If her parents really are as crappy as they sound then I would not even bother trying to get them to help out. Maybe the girl does just want the hell out of the house like u said. Is the girl good mannered and does she behave for you and so on.

It is all about what you want to do. If you don't want the extra responsibility then sit down with your daughter and have a talk with her about it. Then have a talk with your daughter and the other child. Wouldn't even bother involving her mother it sounds like.

Good luck with this!

you're going to hate me, BUT isn't it more important to know that you are helping provide this girl with a stable/dependable adult in her life....someone she knows she can turn to for help/assistance? Yes, the parents are at fault...but! In the end, isn't the child more important than any pettiness/thought of inequalities in whom is providing more? She's not your kid, but PLEASE try to flip your emotions around to being thankful that she's comfortable enough to trust you! Have your rant here, but give the friend the Mom she needs & seems to be lacking!
My sister's children were in this position for many years before she divorced their father because of alcoholism. I did not feel I was enabling their dad to drink more/go out more...instead, I was thankful that I was given this priviledge to provide FUN in their lives. & the payoff came everytime I had the kids...they know that I'll always be there for them. AND I think that's more important than anything else!!
& looking at it from another angle, I have a 20 y.o. & an 11 y.o. & they always took "someone" with them for activities. It's always more fun with a best friend!

My mom never drove my friends to places, but she was always the one who stayed up late to pick us up after the movie or ice skating or whatever. I understand how you feel used. But, if I were in your shoes... I'd just deal with it. You've lived with an alcoholic and obviously her parents are doing their job to the best of their abiities, which isn't much. I know it must be hard for you sometimes, but just think of how grateful this girl must be to have someone like you in her life. If it bothers you that much than talk to her parents... otherwise just be the parent that she needs to have.

I happen to be a the daughter of a Mom who was in your shoes. My best friend and I were constantly doing things together. Her parents were divorced and she was bounced from one parent to the next whenever it was convenient for them. My Mom was my friend's saving grace. And even let her move in with us for a while. And while it was very hard on my Mom and obviously not her responsibility I don't know what would've happened to my best friend if my family wasn't there for her. She is now 25 and married with two children of her own. And still to this day calls my Mom "Mom". Have you ever thought that if you don't help her is there someone else who will? Grandparents. An Aunt or Uncle. Or if she will at least meet you at your home rather then having to go and pick her up. I also wonder what you are more angry about, the fact that you feel like you have to drive her or the fact that you and your husband aren't the one's getting to go out like her parents. Really though...if it's stressing you out that much. Just make yourself unavailable to drive. But be prepared for hurt feelings.

Hello Saraha- boy do i remember those days it been a while my kids are all grown up. But i too was the parent that always gave the kids the ride to what ever the activities were:)from football, basketball,cheerleading, ect...and for the families that we not helping giving rides, I use to get up set but once I learned the sistuation I did not want my child riding with one who was drinking doing drugs or just not nowing the person well enough to trust them with my child. But this is where someone doing something nice for a child get rewarded.. and it went on from 9 years old to 16 years thats a long time. And they are all grown up and of all the kids i gave rides to 4 are married and have kids and i am a part of their lives and they all thanked me for showing them a differnt live, that you don't need drugs, alochol,..(at the time I didn't know this but the same 4 boys use to tell my boys "you are lucky I wish i had a mom just like yours") I made a differnce in 4 little boy's live who are grown up married have a nice life for them and thier families. I get a call every year om mothers day from these young men as well and my birthday. So S., right know I know it's hard being the only parent giving the rides, you never know how you can change this little girls live.....
I hope this help you. Good luck!!!
M.

It's really nice that your daughter is such a good friend to the other girl. I think I would continue to let her ride to events with you and your daughter, you are going anyway. If the other mom has a drinking problem you don't want your daughter in the car with her. Your daughter's friend is seeing a healthy family relationship, forging a friendship with someone so she is not alone and has someone to confide in. Emotionally, it would be devastating to a 12 y/o girl to be "cut off" for reasons a 12 y/o cannot understand. (your own daughter will not understand where you are coming from, either). Like I said, if you are taking your daughter anyway, what does it really matter? It's easy, at this stage of life (been there) to feel like there is nothing for you, you do it all for the kids, esp when you seen parents who don't "parent" and are having "fun" while you run the taxi. Don't let those emotions get in the way of your decision. In the end, your daughter will remember what a good, involved mom you were, how you helped with a friend in need. She will move on with her own life in a few years (and get a driver's license) and you will miss this one on one (or on two) time in the car. It is a great time to see what is going on in their lives and have meaningful conversations. Your daughter's friend will remember her mom was at "parties." and wish her mom was like you. Anyway, you will have plenty of time to do your own thing, you are being a good mom. It's a little touchy to ask about gas money, if the child is in an abusive/neglective situation, she may not be allowed back with your daughter. I think if you are "driven out" you may want to discuss with your daughter the number of activities SHE engages in and maybe decrease your drive time there. (go at it from the viewpoint of price of gas, other family things, ect, not her friend's fault, that would drive a wedge) Good luck.

My daughter is now 26, but this really brought back memories. It used to drive me nuts that I was always the "taxi" for a certain friend of my daughter's. As time went on, I found out that she had even more problems at home than I originally thought, and I was her rock in a storm. Long, long, story short, she ran away from home and ran to my house! Thank God she did that instead of the many wrong things she could have done. She is now a mom too, and stops by to visit and always thanks me for all I did for her as a teenager and credits me with saving her life. I feel like I gained another daughter. It didn't hurt me at all to run her to the same activities my daughter was doing (yes, cheerleading and gymnastics was part of my gig too!) since I was going anyway, and it helped her more than I realized at the time. I would urge you to open your heart to this girl - she most likely needs it.

If you are going to the activities anyway and this girl doesn't live out of the way I would take her along. You are helping the child, who may not get to participate in anything.I help a family myself get to every football practice and football game. Sometimes it gets old, but I try and remember I am doing it for the child. It's not his fault and he can't drive himself. I kind of feel it is paying it forward. I hope if someday I couldn't get my children to activities someone would jump in and help me. J. (mom of 3, 11yr old and twin 7 yr olds)

S.,
Have you tried talking to your daughter about her friend? She maybe able to give you a little insight to her friends home life. Maybe that will help you in your decision making? I hope it all works out for you.
C.

I know how thankless jobs like this can be, but helping out someone else can also be rewarding. If you don't do it, there may be no one else. You can take this as a call to help make the world a little bit of a better place. Yes, it is frustrating that her parents don't step up and take care of their own child. It doesn't seem like that is going to change, and your small gestures of a ride to an event that your child would be going to anyway could make a huge difference to that other girl. She may not be able to thank you now, but maybe someday she will be mature enough to notice what a difference you make.

Think of it this way, if your daughter was alone and doing all these activities you'd be driving her all the time. So I don't see the difference if there's one more person in the car. Now if the friend is asking for a ride to a seperate activity decide on it case by case. If your busy say NO. Your efforts are appreciated even though they don't tell you.

S.,

I believe you are doing the right thing in taking the friend to activities. You would have to drive your daughter to activites even if the friend wasn't involved. Plus, you do not want the friend's parents to really be around your daughter. It's a sad situation for the friend and you understand her position about not wanting to be around her parents. It is better for the friend to be surrounded by those that remove her from her parents, especially going into her teenage years. It is a sad story that more and more people are taking in others children because of bad situations. If it was up to me, I would let the friend know that she has a place to come to if she ever needed ANYTHING. It's not about keeping score between parents, but about the children involved. It's not fair for you to have to take on the responsibilities of another child, but the ones that suffer the most are the children.

Hi S., ah yes, one of the "many hats" to wear as a mother, taxi cab driver!LOL Been there, it gets worst when they ask for the keys! Well, I think you answered your question when you said the mom might have a drinking problem. Chances are if she has to pick up or take the girls, she will probably be under the influence. It sounds like your daughter and friend really enjoy each others company; friends are very important in life. They seem to be choosing very healthy and constructive activities. Keep in mind drugs and alcohol are out there for our kids! If you are playing taxi cab driver you know exactly where the girls are, that's a good thing:). And, last but not least, what a wonderful opportunity for your family to be great examples to your daughter's friend.
Peace,
S. S

I understand totally how you feel.
I also agree if your daughter and she are freinds...and you really feel the parents would not make safe drivers - then if it is an activity your daughter is in, take her. You didn't mention how far away she lives though. One of my daughters has a freind who lives 20 minutes round trip away from our house, and I'm usually backtracking when I get her or take her home. However they have also helped me out many times so it's a give and take.
If she is farther away, I would approach the parents with the idea that you will take her, but she needs to get to your house and home. That way they might offer to pay some gas money???? or NOT... but would know and realize how many times you do run the daughter.

I recently was talking to a friend about a similar issue- when your child befriends someone who you do not feel has a safe home environment. She made a comment that really has stuck with me. She said, when she was a child she had a friend, Vicky, that her mom did not feel good about the homelife. Her mom had established the rule of saying no, when she was invited to the friends house, but then saying, "Vicky is always invited to our home to play, anytime you want, our house is always open." Since then, the women have grown and stayed good friends. Today, Vicky really thanks her mom for being such a positive role model in her life and teaching her many life lessons by example as she had a tough home life. In other words, she changed Vicky's life! Wow! What a powerful, positive influence. Maybe this young girl has entered your life (for 2 plus years) for you to help mold and shape her into a responsible adult? Yes, it is a burden and at times trying, but what an amazing, positive impact you have had and can continue to have? Just a thought. It stuck with me! I understand your frusteration. Good luck!

I know this may sound harsh, but you need to continue helping this child. If you are already taking your daughter to the activity what's wrong with taking this girl. She has did not ask for her homelife and if you have dealt with this type of stuff yourself you should know how she is feeling. She needs a positive role model in her life and if sounds as if she looks up to you and your husband for that stable family life she is not getting at home.

I'm also the child of an alcoholic and one of the biggest issues for me with my alcoholic parent, and subsequently with other people, is setting boundaries. You talk of being "sucked in" and that speaks to a boundaries issue. All you can do is to be responsible for setting your own boundaries. Some rides, yes ... some rides, no. But you get to define for yourself where there is balance and sanity for you and your family. You don't have to save this young girl. Yes, you are likely an example of good parenting for her, and a loving individual in her life, but it's not your job to adopt her and take care of all of her needs. If you do that, you likely neglect other needs ... like your own most importantly, and perhaps your family's as well. Just get clear on what's okay for you, communicate it to whomever needs to know (which is probably fewer people than you think), and then do/be that okay behavior/person. Also, don't fall into thinking you are the ONLY one who can be a loving, giving influence for this girl. There are others, and she will no doubt discover them as she needs them. I bet you did. I know I did. She will too.

Women always seem to have trouble saying no but sometimes you have to put yourself first. If you want a break from driving, ask the parents to take the girls the next week. If they refuse then make arrangements for your daughter to get to the activities without you (such as your husband or another parent) and let the other girl find her own way. I don't see why you would have to deny her from ever taking a ride from you as you are probably doing a wonderful thing for her but I would try to find alternatives to getting your daughter to activities which will free you up from the responsibility of having to say no as much and give you a chance to go out as well.

I would let her ride along when my own daughter was going to the same event, and tell the 2 girls I would chauffer for one event per month. Have the 2 of them get together and figure out the schedules and choose her one event. If the friend lives far away, arrangements can be made for her to ride the bus to your home or for you to pick them both up at school so that additional transit is eliminated for school night activities. It is definitely not your duty to do for this girl, but what if you make THE difference in this child's life by being the one to show her someone cares enough to follow through on her needs? we seldom know the full power of our actions, positive or negative.

Honestly, unless she lives so far away it's a pain to drive her, or she's always eating over etc... I don't see it as to big of a deal. I see it as your daughter trying to be there for her friend. Maybe you were put in this place for a reason since you've had this experience before with your parent, and you could talk to the girl and give her advice? One of my best friend's mom's was always working b/c she was a single Mom, so my friend was always over at our house, and my Mom said she'd rather have her over keeping me busy, and that way she knew where we both were and staying out of trouble! Unless it's burdening you financially, try not to let it bother you to much, and just realize the big difference you are making in her life! That way maybe when she grows up, she'll have a good example to follow when she becomes a parent.... Good Luck, and I hope it all works out!

I guess my questions is - are you going to be doing it anyway? If so, then what is the harm? If it's about just sharing the duty with the other parent, you might just want to drop that from your list of worries and you can't change them or their priorities. You can't make them better parents, and if they are that way would you really depend on them to remeber to pick up your child? Seems rather risky to me. If the other girl benefits, then great. Maybe she can help you out, if she hangs out at your house before and after these events put her to work, tell her we all help clean the kitchen so if you could load the dishwasher that would be great and thanks. It might be what "she" needs and maybe take yourself out of it if you are going to do the activies anyway.

obviously the girl is needing attention just go with the flow. If the mom is having drinking problems she probably is not getting any attention at home, and girls usually need thier moms at this age. I would see it as a blessing rather than a challenge. :)

I understand that this could be very frustrating for you, but you may be this child's saving grace. It sounds like she has a poor situation at home and you are the only reason she get's to do any activities at all. I would set limits though, tell her that you will drive her to one activity only so she can pick the one that she really wants, and stick with it. This way when it is over you are done for a while and she will still have had the experience. I would also sit down with my daughter and explaine why you have set the limit and help her understand that it is nothing personal against her friend. Good luck-hope you get things worked out.

Wow! That's tough! I went through a similar situation with a younger boy in our last neighborhood. The child's dad was always drunk and passed out. The child would come to our home wanting food and asking to take a bath because the father didn't pay the gas bill and they had no hot water. When I was in the midst of it, I did resent the situation. Now that we have moved, I worry. I guess the best I can do is tell you to search your heart on this one. If deep down you really feel like this can't continue, then you have to make the break. If the places you are taking her are places you are going anyway, then maybe you can learn to live with it. It's obviously not the child's fault that her parents don't take any interest in her and you can be sure that it hurts her deeply. With your inside knowledge of what it is like to live with an alcoholic, you can relate to what she is going through. Again, I don't want to tell you what to do, becaue ultimately you have to decide what is right for you and for your family. Just do some soul searching on this one before make a decision.

That 's something you really need to pray about. IF youe=r correct about her situation at home then you know what this she faces & feels at a lot of time. You & your daughter may be the outlet for this child. Sometimes God places peolpe in our lives for a reason & a season...I know it's been two ywaers as you mentioned but if you turned your back on her now would it be the right thing to do? IF the shoe was reversed how would you want someone to be with your daughter? See if the girl's parents will at least give you money for gas...they are footing the bills for these events right?? Well good luck to you & God Bless! Maybe there's some type of church program (in your area) that could help in this situation.

Maybe God is using you to minister to this little girl. Sometimes it changes someones life for us to be a little inconvenienced. You never know what you could be doing for her emotionally and mentally- just letting her know that someone else cares about her.

On the other hand, I do completely understand your reservations about driving her everywhere! It's hard enough being a taxi driver for one!

First of all I thinks it great how you help this young girl especially if her parents do no care to get involved in her life. You are giving her hope for a better furture. God puts people in our life for a reason. Maybe he put this young girl in your life so you could help her not to be like her parents. I going to pray for you and her. That you will make the best decission on what to do here. I don't believe the young girl is using you, I feel she has no where eles to turn. You have been so kind to her in the past. I am sure she appreciates all that you do for her. I feel if you stop helping her she will lose all hope. Please continue to help this young girl. The rewards in the end will be great. Believe that! My prays go out to you.