How Much Help to Give ADD Son?

My oldest, who has the inattentive type of ADD, didn't improve until we started him on medication. The day it kicked in, he told us, "All the noise is gone, I can concentrate now." I wish we wouldn't have waited so long to have him evaluated. We tried lists, organizing his folders daily at home, giving him an assignment book, constantly monitoring his homework. These things only helped in the short term. He doesn't watch a lot of tv, he eats well and gets plenty of exercise.

What about one of those suction cup car dashboard note pads? Write what he needs to do while in the bathroom and suction cup it to the mirror...

You are at the HARDEST point of an ADHD person's life; Puberty.

During puberty ALL the coping mechanisms that we learned during childhood just FLY out the window, and we have to start all over again.

Know... when he's standing in the bathroom staring... HE IS being hyperactive, his mind is going a mile a minute. (There's a quote: I may not look it, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy...it's also why they changed the name in the new DSM, all forms of ADD/ADHD now have the H attached, because you're either hyperactive mentally, physically, or both). Imagine the BEST book you've ever read, or the most amazing movie... THAT'S what it's like going on in his mind. Well, mornings can honestly be 'flatline', but the REST of the time, that's what is going on. Times 5.

The homework thing isn't going to get better for YEARS. If he's in gifted classes, it will get better sooner (gifted and AP classes actually start handing out semester long syllabi with every assignment on it a LOT sooner -aka before college- than regular classes, have less HW to begin with, and it's more interesting), but it's still going to take several years.

Stimulants help (caffeine is really a gift from the gods, esp if you aren't using meds), blasting music helps (yes, I know it LOOKS like it would be distracting, but our brains work differently), rewards help (punishments DON'T... with neurotypical kids punishments for failing to regularly complete or turn in HW help, for ADHD kids, it makes it far far far worse).

Tons and tons and tons of things HELP, but it really is going to take a few years.

Largely, because he's having to *start all over* to relearn coping mechanisms. When he's done with puberty he'll be at the independence level that neurotypical kids are at 9 or 10. ((AKA different expectations on your part will make life a LOT easier for both of you)). It's harder in many ways with ADHD kids, because most ARE gifted. It's doubly frustrating for parents who look and see "How can you be reading Julius Caesar, but your 5yo brother can do things you can't?!?!"

Read "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!?" by Kate Kelly & Peggy Ramundo http://www.amazon.com/You-Mean-Lazy-Stupid-Crazy/dp/07432... (It's nominally for adults with ADHD, but it is the BEST book for parents, because it raelly gives a 'whole life' look at their kids and what the results or consequences are with ways of doing things, as well as dozens of stories and coping mechanisms and strategies. Go start pouring through www.additudemag.com (best online resource for ADHD that I've ever found... most resources are about ID'ing adhd, additudemag is about LIVING with it, and living well.

BIGGEST TRICK for doing the same things every day? NOT thinking about it. Don't make him. IT WON'T HAPPEN. If he has to stop and think about it, it will get lost in a ball pit of FAR more interesting things, and he'll just stand there. ROUTINES. Getting the same things ground in time after time after time... so your mind can be thinking about birds, and shakespeare, and DNA, and your left foot, and a conversation you had last month, and what the natural result would be if gravity only worked in 15 minute increments (yes, all at the same time, not 1 after the other). When you've got the routine down, you'll still be thinking about the interesting stuff, but your hands and body will be turning on the water, showering, brushing your teeth, putting gel in, dropping your towel on the floor (I know, rolls eyes), getting dressed, and you find yourself completely ready to go, all without thinking about it.

((My 9yo doesn't have a 'chore chart' per se, he has a LIFE chart. Mornings literally look like pee, flush, start the shower, use my puffer, brush my teeth, take a shower WITH soap, get dressed, get breakfast, wash my breakfast dishes, find my backpack, make sure I have what I need in my backpack, play. That's the morning section. He doesn't go item by item checking them off, he looks at it at the end to see if he missed any, and THEN checks each one off... or goes racing to fix what he forgot. Then there's school, play, homework, help with dinner (mornings need to be REALLY outlined, because we're still half asleep, later in the day, less)... but the BALANCING items ; like playtime are on there as well. He didn't need this chart until he hit puberty. Because I got him into a routine as a toddler, naturally helping with everything. But as soon as hormones STARTED at age eight, he started getting distracted. Fully into the hormonal shift at age 9, that chart isn't just helpful, it is absolutely necessary. He's relearning how to do all the things he used to be able to without thinking about them.))

As far as independent, much less 'success'? Oh honey, yes. ABSOLUTELY. YES!!!

ADHD (in all 3 forms) runs, skips, hops, and sliiiiiiiiides through my family. It's pretty easy to spot, we're the ones who do things just a little differently than the rest. The astrophysicist who is also and outdoor adventure gear inventor, the military folk (you find a LOT of adhd people in the military), the artists (writers, muscians, photographers), the list goes on. Most combo. Like my mum who was both a professional artist and microbiologist and stay at home mom/traveller. Myself I'm ADHD-c. I joined the military straight out of highschool, and am now quad majoring in school (anthropology, nursing, fine art, and psych). The last one is an accidental degree (psych classes are easy, so I padded every quarter with a psych class for the easy A and the financial aid bump, I in no way want to work in psych, they're just fun and interesting classes that would bump me into 12 credits per quarter aka full financial aid instead of 3/4s financial aid). The rest is super typical ADHD combo stuff. It looks like a BIZARE combo, until you realize that I want to do double duty as both staff archaeologist and staff nurse and the art is to keep me sane. I also write, teach, do a lot of sports, blah, blah, blah. SUPER typical ADHD 'all over the map' stuff. Since I'm ADHD-c my interests tend to split mental and physical, but even for the pureists (mental OR physical, but not both), interests tend to get reeeeally varied.

We take longer. We do things in more depth and detail. Our emotions are more intense. We open mouth and insert foot on a regular basis. We drive our parents nuts. We have to find work arounds (like hiring an accountant to pay our bills on time, and having a maid to keep our houses presentable, and working jobs that aren't 'punch in and punch out')..

But we do 'get there'. I promise.

I have an ADD sweet son who will be 8 in mid November . He is not as hyperactive, although he can sure get reved up pretty quick. His tendency to not be able to stay on target and impulsivness are the reasons why I have chosen to homeschool him.

First of all, I would really recomend that if the TV is on in your home often (as mine was), to try to reduce it by half. And then by half again when you can tolerate it.

Secondly, when my son was in school, I made a very simple list of things to do and the order they are to be done in. I posted this on the fridge and refered my son to it every time he seemed to be off course or confused. After several, several weeks, he started to be able to refer back to it himself and eventually learned the things that are to be done before leaving the house and their order. In other words, I helped him to make it his own habit. This was slow going...but keep consistancy and give him the tools to start to learn on his own. Maybe ask him to sit down and make his own list as you sit with him and help guide him.

I will put my plug in for homeschooling. I am the child of a teacher and am not at all opposed to public/private schools. I will say that when you remove the television and dry factual text books and introduce education and reading in a way that intrigues and opens the childs mind to his own imagination, it makes "paying attention" much easier. As well, the child is able to break more frequently to run outside or re-focus if needed, at his own pace. I have learned over the years that usually these kids are more "hands on" and tactile than others. So, we are able to do math in a way that connects with that part of the brain so it connects the child to his work in a way that listening to a teacher drag on and on never will.

Finally, mom, keep the faith in your child. He will eventally be able to do all that we do. He wont go off to college and just stand there wondering what needs to be done next, he just needs a little more time than others in this area to develop. You are doing a great job simply because you care to make the choices in his rearing!

My oldest son was diagnosed with ADD without hyperactivity when he entered 5th grade. He went on medication called Concerta, which helped somewhat. The doctor described it as a grown-up needing a cup of coffee to get focused in the morning. He will have to learn to focus to do things like brush his teeth, but I think medical treatments will help with that. As far as the forgetfulness goes, we set up a white dry-erase board on his bedroom door to keep lists of things that need to be done. If he is gifted (as my son is), then he can be taught strategies of how to help himself remember things and become self-sufficient. With an ADD diagnosis, public schools will set up an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) that can give him special resources at school. We did not have to do things for him. We took the position that he needed to learn to do things for himself. Don't lose hope! He did learn to do things for himself. My son became a great student, Valedictorian of his high school and went to a top university. He still struggles with organizational aspects of his life sometimes, but he has learned techniques to deal with it.

I was ADD-I as a child long before there was a diagnosis for what troubled me and I did not get a diagnosis and help until I was an adult. I went to college and then finished grad school all before I officially knew I had ADD. I developed systems to compensate for my short attention span and my forgetfullness. I made list, hung reminders on boards, wrote things down. I'm a visual learner, so visual reminders help.

Your son is very lucky that you recognize that he has this challenge and that it in no way is an indication of his level of intellengence. I'm not an expert and can't say if there are any proven non-medical answers, but since I am on medication I do cope better. I would hate to give thoes types of drugs to my children, especially if I had other ways of dealing with ADD. I remember the forgotten homework and the panic I felt when I frantically looked for it in my backpack, only to find it a day too late. I think if my mother knew she could have helped me setup an information management system of sorts. I think it is very important for your son to be involved with setting up his systems, because he will need to maintain them. Having ADD should not be used as an excuse to leave everything to you. If one of my kids had ADD I would make a point to remind them to work their system, but I would not be in control. ADD is just an extra hurdle, but it is manageable. I'm not a fan of routine, but it helps. Life is much less stressful when I'm organized. Good luck

My 10 year old son is the same way.

The thing is, while he might not need help with academics, he does need help with organization.

We put up a pretty framed sign in the hallway (where most "getting ready" and passing by while getting ready happens). It has a list of the 5 things he has to do to be ready for school (1. Get fully dressed with shoes on; 2. Take meds; 3. Brush teeth and hair; 4. Get school bag and coat; 5. Shut off all the lights you left on and lock the door on the way out). If he's feeling lost, all he has to do is look at the sign. Some mornings are worse than others.

It really helps each morning if everything is pre-staged. Clothes are set out, medicine is in a box where he just opens the container for that day, bag is already packed with homework completed and in the homework folder, etc.

For turning in homework, being very scheduled and organized is important, but the organization can't be too complicated. So a homework folder is ideal. Also, you should definitely go through his bag with him each night. I'm lucky in that my boy's teacher posts each day's homework online, but if your son's does not, you should talk to her about ensuring he writes it in an agenda each day and brings the corresponding books or supplies home.

It will get to the point where you won't have to check it for him every night...but maybe give him a reminder and check it every other night. Either way, since disorganization is a huge problem for ADD kids, you'll be giving him lifelong tools.

Best!

I would get Kenneth Bock's book ("Healing the New Childhood Epidemics . . . ") for some ideas, and then I would seek help from an integrative physician. I might also consult with a pediatric neuro-psychiatrist.

Routine! Everything must be done the same way every time. I keep deodorant in my desk drawer because if you talk to me at the exact time I should put it on, I will forget to put it on. My two oldest do the same thing. :p

There are a whole mess of fun coping techniques for homework and school. PM me if you are interested. One of my friends is a tutor specializing in kids with ADD. She told me everything I know. She tutored my oldest who sounds a lot like your son.

Oh, my whole family has ADD except for number three, he has it and PDD. My oldest is 23 and out of college the next is 21 and a senior in college. :)

Try a timer. Set it for a certain amount of time, say 5 mins for morning bathroom things. or maybe 10 mins to get clothes on, 20 mins to get breakfast, 10 mins to make lunch ( if he makes his own lunch)
Make sure he gets everything he needs together the night before, backpack, clothes etc.
Are you considering medication? It is a good option for ADHD-I ( which is what ADD is, ADHD- Inattentive type) . I have no answer for the HW I am ADHD-I and still have homework troubles. But I DO concentrate on my homework better if there is some kind of background noise like the radio on. Complete quiet is the most distracting thing for an ADHD person.

Why don't you make him a list with numbered steps and hang it behind the bathroom door. Maybe if he reads the list daily it will sink in better for him. If he has attention issues he could be not really paying attention when you are telling him, therefore not retaining it after he does it.

I would also recommend a list. My oldest son (13) also has the inattentive type of AD/HD. He claims that he ignores my lists but I see the evidence of him using them. I used to have a notice next to his bed that literally read "1. Get up. 2. Get dressed (including socks) 3. Go to bathroom" The bathroom list read "1. Pee 2. Wash hands 3. Brush hair 4. Brush teeth 5. Go to kitchen" and the kitchen one read "1. Eat breakfast 2. Dishes in sink 3. Get lunch, snack and water 4. Check backpack 5. Put on shoes and jacket 6. Leave the house" We used to also have a back from school routine and a before bed routine typed out and put in sheet protectors and he (and the younger siblings) could check things off with a dry erase marker when they were done. My son is very visual so having lists helped him a lot and he eventually internalized these things so that I don't have to prompt him every step of the way any more. He still doesn't eat breakfast or pack a decent lunch, but that's more of a middle school thing than an ADHD thing.

Another visual aid that works for us is to take a picture of how something is supposed to look when it's organized efficiently. For example, when unloading the dishes, the glasses all fit into the cabinet if they're put away a certain way. He would just put things in any old way and there would always be extra glasses on the counter. So I took a photo of the "right" way, printed it and taped it to the inside of the cabinet so he can see what goes where. I got a lot of eye rolling and flack for that but magically, all of the glasses have fit into the cabinet since then so clearly it worked.

If your son if more of an auditory learner, maybe make up a goofy rhyme or song of the morning routine that will help him remember what comes next.

Regarding homework, that has to be part of his routine and yes, he will need support in this area both at home and school for years to come and this support is appropriate. At some point he'll complain that you're smothering him and at that point, it's appropriate to back off a bit with the understanding that you expect X, Y and Z and that if he can't get it done on his own that's OK in the sense that it's a sign that he needs continued support. You may find that it's helpful to have a few sessions with a counselor or coach who specializes in ADHD and adolescents so that you can create "contracts" for responsibility, behavior, rewards and penalties. There are so many ways to do this and a lot of online suggestions and books but we happen to be working with a family/adolescent counselor right now for broader family support and one of the things we're looking forward to is having help putting together a plan that we can implement that will work well for our family. Sometimes having a 3rd party help out can make everyone more willing to try new things and stick to the plan.

Electronic calendars and smart phones will help your son as he gets older. We waited until he was 13 to get him a phone and one of the things that I like about it is that I use Cozi to maintain an on-line version of our family calendar so I can tag his "appointments" and the program sends him text reminders. This helps with things as they get older and are out of the house more - if he's at a friend's house in the neighborhood, he'll get a text 30 minutes before we need to leave for hockey practice and voila! he's home and packed up in time.

FWIW my husband also has ADHD (ironic in that he and my son are not related, they are step family). It definitely affected his education and career because it wasn't diagnosed until he was an adult, so he just thought that he was stupid and lazy. Nonetheless, he has always worked and right now does a very detail-oriented job and does it well because he follows strict routines that he created for himself. He does not take medication because he is on medication for other things and they don't mix well together. I do all of the detail work in running our household (bill paying, calendars etc.) but he is at a point where he could do these things for himself if he needed to. I think that our kids will fare better because we are teaching them coping skills along the way and there are a lot of good electronic solutions to some of these things (phone alarms, calendar alerts, automatic bill pay, direct deposit, etc.) that will be helpful as they become adults.

Is he on medication? If not, that can help tremendously. Mornings are still a struggle for our son until the meds kick in (we also have to remind him to do everything), but once they do, all the pieces fall into place.

You do have to give more help to a child with ADHD. We try hard to make our son independent, but the fact is, he isn't like other kids and sometimes we do have to step in and provide reminders. The way I look at it is that if our son could do it all himself, he would. But he just has more challenges than other kids, so if we have to provide some extra guidance right now, we need to do it.

Put a list in the bathroom
Get a home/school notebook
On one side is everything that gets turned into the teacher and on the other is everything that comes home to you.
You check it every day.
Teacher should ask him directly for it, until it becomes habit
Does he have an IEP? He can with ADD and this can all be written in.
He is now learnign how to handle the upper grades. It needs a little more patience in your part. THere has to be a consequence for him NOT doing his work or handing in his papers.
I dont' even allow tv, electronic games, computer games, etc during the week.
Does he have a sport? My 10 yo is a swimmer. He didn't do his math and I took swim practice away this Monday. We homeschool.
Watch his diet. Some preservatives wreak havoc on the ADD brain.

He is also 11, maybe 5th/6th grade. Welcome to the preteen stage. My very astute, careful, methodical daughter went missing at about 6th grade, and she is most definitely NOT ADD, although I wondered at the time. She is back, it took a couple years though, she is now 16. I have two more at her heels. One is 13, mildly ADD, the other 10 and not ADD.
THey will open the fridge and leave the room and not close it.
THey will get the milk, peanut butter, jelly, butter, whatever out sit it on the counter and forget about it.
They will fix a sandwich and lose it
THey have even forgotten to close the front door.
THey take showers and forget to wash their hair.
THey forget to bring their dishes to the sink, this they have done since they were 2.

And yes, my oldest has severe ADHD, also diagnosed ODD/CD. He is doing wonderfully in the Navy, although Cheif calls him "Scatterbrains" and they do keep an eye on him.

I don't have an ADD child, but one thought occurred to me when I read your post. You could post little notes like in the bathroom to remind your son what needs to be done, i.e., brush teeth, wash face, comb hair. That way he can be a bit more independent.

I would work on finding subsitutes for you standing over him or for him trying to do it all by himself. Try to find the middle ground-- and aids he can use and be responsible for.

What about a permanetly posted list by the bathroom mirror that has his morning bathroom routine broken down into small steps on it? They even sell things like that -- http://www.autismschedules.com/

A checklist by the door he can double check on his way out?

There are a TON of work arounds you can find that he can learn to use and be responsible for himself. One thing I do for ME (and I'm not even diagnosed ADD) is to use the alarm clock on my cell phone, put it in my pocket and keep hitting snooze until I actually get to work, that way if I DO get sidetracked it's not for more than 7 minutes.

I also use the calendar on my phone and set a daily appt so it beeps at me to take my meds. I'm sure that smarter phones have even more stuff that would be helpful

This description sounds just like my son- It does get better- My son is now 17 and is pretty self sufficient, though there are days where I think he will never survive real adult life. Give him support without doing things for him- teach him to solve his own problems but be there to step in if he needs . It is a tough road but you have to teach him to be self sufficient. Get him counseling if he needs it, so important for him to have someone to talk to about this besides you because he knows you get frustrated- they feel it. Good luck you are entering the really hard years- a lot of kids like this fall apart during middle school due to changing of classes and such- that is when our son really lost it. Hang tough and just be there for him- try not to get too frustrated- Good luck

Didn't have a chance to read the other posts, so this is likely a repeat; however, in my teaching training and experience, it's good to give children tools to help themselves. Lists of various kinds are extremely helpful for the ADD child. Find one that works for your kid, especially in the morning. It can be right in the bathroom. Also, look for other tools that might help. Good luck. But in teacherese his "executive function" is underdeveloped and you are acting in that capacity for him (the ability to prioritize and complete tasks). He needs to figure out what will work for him and use that tool. Good luck.

V.,

I have found putting your children in a healthy environment helps them to function better.

I have been following the organization healthy child healthy world and they have found studies that show this to be true.

If you would like more info email me and I will educate you.

Have a great day.

N. Marie
____@____.com