How Much Do You Get Involved with Dd's Social Life (10 Year Old)?

You may want to read the book "How to talk so Kids will Listen, and how to Listen so Kids will Talk". It describes how to help kids come to their own solutions. It's a quick easy book to read, and comes in handy in many situations.

I always allow my daughter to choose her own friends. This includes those whom are not always the nicest of friends. My daughter is 9. I feel it is imperative for her to learn how to navigate friendships and feel that me getting involved(unless asked)is not allowing her to learn. I may not agree with my daughter's choice of friends but eventually she will learn what makes a friend an actual friend vs. an unkind friend.

If this were me I would allow my child to work things out with these girls on her own.

There's a difference between you asking other girls for playdates and micromanaging everything versus you facilitating your daughter making new/other friends. I would certainly do the latter. If she sets up playdates and then needs you to confirm them and do some driving, I'd do that. She's only 10 and these girls sound tough. Seeing her with new kids will be the best remedy for all of them. Teach them your daughter doens't need nasty friends like them and have your daughter enjoy herself vs miserably tag along with these two. So I wouldn't hold her hand too much but tell her to ask some other girls over and then let you know. It's a hassle but seems worth it as a mom to me.

10 year old girls are the WORST! I remember the 4th and 5th grade as being one of the most awful time periods of my life, thanks to a couple of mean girls that went out of their way to exclude others (if it was not me, it was someone else). Encourage her to make new friends. Tell her that if she makes a plan with another girl from class, that you will help her by driving her somewhere if needed. Tell her that friends are people that are nice to us and that care about us, and if these girls are not being nice to her, they are not friends. Sometimes even adults need to hear that reminder!! I'd also advise her keep quiet about it when the other "friends" are excluding her. The more she shows that it bothers her, the more they will go out of their way to get a rise out of her. If she shows confidence and just moves on to other friends, they will come knocking on her door!

Love and Logic.

Empathize, offer mentorship, and let her work out the rest.

Let her know you are there for her if things get tough or hard to handle, but beyond that let her figure it out on her own.
Keep encouraging her to hang around girls who are nice to her and not exclusionary. Over time she will become more and more adept at picking good friends and staying away from the drama and the mean girls.

I used to listen and ask her questions.

What do you think is going on?

Why do you think they act like this?

What do you want to do about this?

What is the best way to handle this?

Are these friends worth all of this trouble?

I really tried to just listen, ask her how she felt and what she thought she should or could do..

It is very hard to stand back. If she was really stumped.. I would offer a nudge, but I really told her since I did not know the girls very well, I was sure she could figure it out.

Do not let her go through the school of hard knocks. The school of hard knocks that we recall is A WHOLE LOT different now.

I'm with Jill T.
I am reading the end paragraph and finding it confusing, as if you are trying to decide whether it is too much of a hassle for you to allow her to make other choices in her friends. Is that what you are really trying to figure out?

Let her know that if she'd rather call some other friend(s) to get together to play at your house or to meet elsewhere to play, that you will be happy to do what you can to arrange it and make it happen. Should you PUSH her to do that? No, I wouldn't. But should you just tell her "sorry, it's too much hassle for me, so tough noogies; Just deal with these other girls or play alone all the time"... ? Umm....definitely not.

Let her know she has options. And then follow through for her to help her make it happen if/when she chooses to call other girls that live father away.

I wouldn't push too hard b/c it may turn into "mom wouldn't let me hang out with them" instead of her making that choice on her own. Support her, talk to her, but she needs to learn to make choices about friends. Every child goes through this

Well I guess since it is a hassle to call another friend for her to hang with, she will just figure things out herself. She will figure it out. I would sit back.

Suggest to her that she do things with other friends. At age 10, she probably needs a push from you regarding WHAT to do so she doesn't just say, "Oh, I don't know, it's easier to just hang out with the girls who live close by." The problems there are two: One, the girls who are close by are becoming cliqueish and mean. Why would you want her with them when she does have other, nicer friends? And second, "hang out" has never been a big favorite of mine--or my daughter's, frankly. For a few times at least, suggest things to do -- offer to take them to a more distant park that has cooler, older-kid stuff to play on, or have another kid over and let them make sundaes, or if your kid likes crafts, suggest that she invite over one girl who also likes them, and let your daughter pick out some craft kits or supplies before that play date. I'm not saying run a play center, but I'm saying, give her some ideas at the start.

You do not have to micromanage, but 10 is a tricky age. If you "let her go through the school of hard knocks," what do you mean here? Let her just hang with the neighborhood kids who are welded at the hip to each other? Why would you want her to do that? The lesson learned isn't worth it; if they are not kind people, or are being brats, why think it's valuable for her to "learn" anything by hanging with them? I'd encourage her to think about other kids instead and to think about things to do with them, and let her know that if she needs to be driven somewhere, that's cool. "It's always a hassle to call and set it up," you say-- why? Because other kids are so busy that it's hard to get a yes to a play date? I do understand that! But it's just something you have to deal with for a few more years. Let your daughter do the calling but teach her how to talk with other kids about play dates (yeah, they ARE still play dates at this age because you and the other parent need to approve and possibly transport). Teach her how to check with the other parent. You are still going to have to talk to other parents to coordinate times etc. Why the reluctance?

The physical proximity of kids who live close by does not mean that they are going to be friends with your child. It sounds as if you are choosing convenience in preference to encouraging your child to have friends who actually have something in common with her.

If she has friends through activities (Girl Scouts, dance class, sports team, whatever), encourage her to see them outside those activities. They will have more in common and she will not be stuck with a package deal of snotty girls whom she thinks gossip about her. Why should she play with these girls anyway?

The lesson you teach if you have her seeing these neighborhood girls is: "Keep seeing people you don't get along with and just deal with it." Isn't there a better lesson to learn? Namely: "Make your own choices in friends and walk away from people who do not treat you well."

I looked at your old posts to see if you have several kids and work ft and therefore just don't have time to drive your daughter to new playmates etc. and I see you've posted about these girls before back in February. It seems like nothing has changed for our daughter. I'd see it as my job to try to help out. It's not your job to find new friends for her and call their moms but I do think it's your job to encourage her to get friendly with some other kids and ask them to come over and then help with transportation and all. She still needs your help at this age even if it's a hassle.

If I am reading your post correctly, your question is - 'Should I take the path of last resistance and let her languish with these two girls that aren't treating her right or give her the opportunity to expand her social circle and play with other friends that may not live as close but treat her right?'

It's a no brainer for me...put yourself 'out' there and make the phone call so she can have other friends over.

Let her deal with it.

You can give her all the advice in the world but unless you go to middle school with her she's going to have to learn to deal with this stuff on her own.

People now days are so afraid to let their kids deal with things on their own so afraid of failure that we're raising a bunch of entitled helpless brats. It's ok to let them fail at somethings. It helps them learn and grow into better people.

Stay out of it. I have found that one day they are friends, the next day they are not. My GD just came in yesterday saying she doesn't know why she is still friends with L. L is rude and mean to her. Well, I've sat outside her room when L is at our house and I have discovered that she is as rude and mean to L as L is to her. So, I leave it alone. They will work it out. One is no worse than the other.

I think if you knew EVERYTHING, you'd probably discover the same thing. Leave it alone. She will figure it out on her own. Just be there to say things like "I'm sorry that happened" or "I'm sorry you feel like that" or things like that.

Hi, Sally:

Ask dd why she wants to be friends with people she thinks is gossiping about her?

Instead of avoiding the situation, help her learn how to deal with false friends.
Good luck.
D.