How Important Is It for the Real Mom and Step Mom to Get Along

it stinks be the stepmom if the birthmom is being difficult, but for the kids' sake it's SO important that someone take the high road here. keep trying to work with her, and when you need to nut up and shriek about her come here, not where the kids can overhear.
you are awesome.
khairete
S.

my other half/live in father of our baby has an immature, seriously
demanding ex wife.. and a eleven year boy with this woman. so i know where you are coming from.the only saving grace is that she lives three states away..not far enough for me , but i will take what i can get.you dont have to put your differences aside with this woman, she obvoiusly doesnt appreciate her children, her loss, not yours. the best thing you can do is be available to these kids, so that the next time she causally dumps them, you can be there, not to make excuses for her, but to be there with a hug and a smile for children that she obviously doesnt want.i got the thankless job of raising my
younger sister because my mother just didnt want to be bothered and now , thirty years later, she cant figure out why i get taken out for mothers day and she doesnt
K. h.

All I can say is be supportive of the kids. My situation is a reverse of this one. My son spends summers with his dad in Oregon and his dad's wife is a horrible person. She's told my son all sorts of things about me that really hurt his feelings and confuse him. She's told him that I don't want him, that I don't believe in the bible, that I am mean to them, that I lie all the time, that all rats have diseases (this one was in response to him telling them that he has a pet rat at our house and I had to spend a half hour on the phone with him reassuring him that we weren't all going to die because of his rat.) and the list goes on and on. None of these things are true, but she's acting as my ex's henchman and doing his dirty work for him since our orders enjoin either of us from making derogatory comments to my son about the other. She's also told me that she thinks she has equal rights with me where my own son is concerned and that she has the right to physically discipline him. She oversteps her place on a regular basis and even gets on the phone to cuss me up one aisle and down the other. Oddly enough, I get along really well with my step-son's mom. Go figure.

Anyways, my point is that these step-parent situations can get really ugly if one of the people involved isn't careful and considerate of the children's needs and feelings. They are what's important here. If they're old enough, ask them what they want where their mother in concerned. You can't protect their hearts from her. She will make her mistakes with them and they will eventually understand what kind of person she is. Just be sure to make it clear to them that they are totally lovable and their mother's behavior is her own problem and not something that is their fault.

I agree about you doing the right thing so the kids can figure it out on their own. It won't help to have negativity from an adult they need (you). I just wanted to add to keep diligent records on dates she sees them, when she's gone for long periods, etc in case she ever tries something through the legal system. I'm assuming she does not pay child support, but if she does, you may want to copy the checks before you cash them in case you need the records for some reason in the future. Good luck to you and each member of your family!

As a child of divorced parents I can tell you ... it's ALWAYS better if everyone involved can get along well. If you and she can come to an understanding and get along that would be best. But I know that's not always possible.

If it's not possible to be friends then at the very least be civil to each other. DO NOT bad mouth her, EVER. Kids hear things even if you think it's in private. If she really doesn't care all that much about them (and the coming and going isn't because of other issues, mental illnes for example) they will learn that in time on their own. And it'll hurt like hell when they figure it out, so be there for them to help them pick up the pieces. If there are other issues then I'd suggest a counselor to help them understand and deal with those issues.

Allow them to see her as much as possible, as long as it's not unsafe for them and fits in with their bedtimes and mealtimes. Practices and such can be missed now and then but don't allow those things to be disrupted TOO often.

No it's not fair that the mom and the dad couldn't stay together forever in a stable loving home. But that's life and no one EVER said it was fair. The best you can do is the best you can do. Give them all the love possible, keep things as stable as possible and have a sit down with you, her and daddy and see what kind of compromises you all can make for the sake of those boys.

As I said before it's ALWAYS better if everyone can get along well. But being civil and all on the same page for the most part works too.

Unfortunately, you might not have much choice in the matter and the best thing you can do is not badmouth their birth mother. Children have emotions and will have to process for themselves how they view her. If they choose to forgive her and allow her back and forth into their lives, you cannot stop that, even if you disagree with it and recognize the hurt it causes them. All you can do is be a stable force yourself and discuss these things with your husband. Even if he was against her seeing the children, as long as she is not abusive, I believe the courts would support her right to come in and out of their lives. The children are in your custody and are not being neglected. It's probably not fair, but I think it's legal. I don't think, though, you have to give her free reign, where she's allowed to take them without supervision, unless there is a visitation agreement ordered. Morally, though, you don't get to end their parent-child relationship, even if she's "parenting (not)" in a way that goes against your judgement.

N.,

I will pray for those children, their mother, and most of all the entire family. It's not going to be easy. I don't know the background on their mother, I can just imagine, but your main concern is the children. The best thing is to get them into regular counseling no matter what their ages are. As a parent (even though you are their step mother), you also must participate, their father and request with the counselor to have their mother join the family counseling. Maybe she meet with the children in counseling so she can hear what they have to say. Sometimes the children have to have the space with their parent or parents to express themselves, and the counselor will be there to mediate. I am just going to give you heads up, sometimes these sessions may take a few weeks, a few months, or even years. As a parent, you have to be the strong and wise person. Be there for the children, even if it is just to listen to them. A lot of times that's what it takes, with a lot of patience. The Counselor will let you know what options you will have, but put the children first. Time is the essence, but LOVE and UNDERSTANDING will play a big roll. If their mother choses otherwise, just be there for the children. When they grow up as adults, they will understand and know that You care and love them. Concentrate on what the children need.

Unfortunately she is messing up her opportunity to get to know her children. I think that you should support them and be there for them as you have been. Is it you that she doesn't like? If that's the excuse that she is using to not be involved with her own children then she has a lot of growing up to do. I think that the best thing that you can do is answer questions for them, be supportive and let them know that they are loved. You could suggest that they write a letter to their mother, even if they never mail it, to help them. As someone else said, do not disparage their mother when they are within earshot, keep that kind of talk outside of the house. I think that it's great that won't her to be involved in their lives, I am not sure that she wants to, or has the ability to, it may just be too hard for her.

IMO, you just need to look at it like a business relationshp. I don't get along with my husband's ex and vice versa. We are civil when it comes to the kids and when we attend school events, we might run into each other but I certainly don't sit near her. It's not ideal, but it's better than the outbursts other people deal with and we really have nothing in common but the kids.

If the kids are confused, then that needs to be addressed. They've been abandoned so naturally they're wondering who else is going to do the same dance. If they aren't in counseling, it might be good to get them into some. If your husband has custody, he should be able to do this for them. Or have them speak to the guidance office at their school.

They will naturally want her love and attention, especially if it's not guaranteed. But they'll need to learn to deal with it when she doesn't provide.

N., I think it's very admirable that you have chosen to co-parent your husband's son with this woman. It shows your compassion for your husband, the little men, the situation overall AND their mother!

I do think that you should attempt to speak with the birth mother, however, you should make sure of some things first. Make sure that you've discussed with your husband what you're going to bring to the table & that you agree on the approach. Also, be sure of what it is you'd like to communicate to her...what, if anything, you'll be asking of her to contribute...and most of all, how you'll handle yourself if things become heated.

It is not crucial for you and the real mother to get along, however, I'm sure you know, that it will make the situation much easier to deal with for everyone.

The most important parts of this situation is the little men and that they are not (further) traumatized by the situation. Ultimately, if you care for them as you seem to, you just need to make sure you support your husband and that you two do all you can to make sure that they know they are loved.

Blessings to your family.

Hi N..
I don't think you need to get along with her. You should just tolerate her if she shows up. Don't bad mouth her/etc, but just be supportive of the kids. Your husband should set up some rules/guidelines so that if you've made plans, she can't just show up out of the blue and ruin them. If the kids want to see her, they should be able to without being judged. If they don't want to see her, they shouldn't have to. They will sometimes choose her over you and their Dad, but just continue to be supportive. She isn't a good influence, and as they get older they will see it and understand. Its just that she is their Mom, and a part of them will always want to see the good side of her.

Good luck and stay strong.
M.

It is very important to get along with the real mother. The kids need to know that you support them being a part of her life even if its not stable. She is hurting the kids so make sure you & their father dont talk negative about her in front of them & encourage them to see her when she does make time for them of course only if they want to. Best wishes its such a delicate & unfortunate situation for the kids & you & their father too, be strong for them.