How Do YOU Get Your Child to Talk About Their Day at School?

My daughter was in K last year and said the same thing everyday! "I don't remember"...then ran off to her room to play! Drove me nuts! Now that she is in 1st right when she walks in the door (kicking off her shoes and throwing down her backpack) I ask "Did you have a good day?" and she says "yea" then, later on she goes on and on about what happened at school. I think that he just may be so exhausted by the end of the day that he just doesn't want to talk anymore. This happened her entire K year! I only know what the teacher told me! That is my thought I hope this may help!

Every night, either at Dinner or Bedtime, we do "Best, Worst, Funniest" about each person's day. If I want to know more about a certain part of their day, I'll specify that it is "B, W, F" at school, grandma's visit, etc... The kids love it and always remind me to do "B, W, F" if I forget.

My son had little to say last year in 1st Grade, even less in K! This year is a little better...seems the less we say, the more he says.

Actually the ability to do a "logical progression" is a developmental milestone that happens somewhere between the ages of 4 and 8 (it's a big range). You'll know you've "hit" that milestone when all of a sudden you start getting the following response:

"First I woke up, then I had to pee. Then I went to the bathroom. Then I pulled my underwear down and sang a song and peed and watch the reflection. Then I washed my hands. Then I looked out the window, and waved to the bug. Then I..... " on and on and on until 1 million years later you get to breakfast, and sometime before the sun implodes on itself you MAY get to lunchtime.

One way to work on this milestone (just like helping kids learn to walk), is to ask about specific PARTS of the day. They CAN remember, but only if prompted. Examples are:

- What was something silly that happened today?
- How did you like your jelly sammie? Did you play at recess after your sammie?
- What was something fun that happened after lunch?

A lot of the time in the beginning, you'll need to further prompt. Like asking if they swung on the swings at recess, or played with anyone else, etc.

How we ask the questions in large part determines the answers. I have friends who are *convinced* their lovely but perfectly normal child is gifted. They *always* start off asking how bored she was? Did she have to do a lot of baby work today? Were kids mean to her? Consequently, their perfectly normal child has a VERY negative attitude about school. I taught her for several months in a class. This little girl would be GLOWING with pride about something she'd worked very hard on, and I'd watch her parents just slam her. "Oh, was class very BORING today? That's work you did YEARS ago. Baby work is VERY frustrating, isn't it? No wonder it's so sloppy. It's hard to concentrate when you're bored." Poor little girl. These are good friends of mine, and I've watched them do this with both of their girls. One who "isn't capable of harder work" (she's actually quite bright), and one who they are convinced is gifted (also bright, but very very normal, and somewhat behind in many areas). I've taught both of them. And the "challenged" child, just happens to be a kinetic learner, and the "gifted" child is an auditory learner. Their mum likes to lecture, so the one who learns from listening gets high marks from her, while the kinetic learner she considers "slow" because she has to be shown what to do.

Slightly off topic, but point being, when you're asking questions... DO pay attention to your tone, interest, and word choices.

Boys are tough. You will find out random facts at the strangest times...like we will be driving in the car and one of my boys will blurt something out that happened weeks ago in class that I would have like to hear then. Sometimes I get information from friends with little girls in their classes-they tell EVERYTHING it seems. LOL!

But here is one thing that really works..at bedtime you lie down with them and snuggle and just talk with the lights out. It is very non threatening and just casual-talk about anything. Pretty soon they will start telling you about their day. Now when I ask my son how school was he will say-lets wait until "talk time". It has become something we HAVE to do every night and I never will let it end. It will be the way I stay close to them. Plus- I think they like it also because it gives them a couple more minutes until they have to go to sleep!

Your post reminded me about a great game that's also a conversation starter. They name 3 things about their day - two are false and one is true.

Kids LOVE this. You can do some too and be creative. "Today I read a book." "Today I fought a dragon." "Today I wondered about the color blue."

Adapt it how you want -- "today at school I ...." and "today while you were at school I ...." etc.

UPDATE:
I forgot to add that the other person has to guess which is the true one. That's what makes the game... duh!

Ask him to tell you one thing about his day. Often when they get the hang of this, they don't stop. Another idea is at the dinner table each person has to tell one story about their day. You can vary this. What was your favorite thing about the day, the least favorite, the thing that made you the most mad, etc. Don't start with him. He will likely want to join in. My third child was like your son. I thought the teenage years were going to be very silent. So far at 14 he is talking to me!!! Hope he keeps it up, but sometimes it's exhausting. The stories can be long and complicated with extra details I don't need. At least he's talking!

I once read something that when we ask kids about their days, they don't know how to respond. It's like they are looking for the "correct" answer & they don't know what we want to hear. They don't understand that there really is no "correct" answer & we want to hear it all.
That said, you already seem to be on the right track by asking more specific questions. My son did the same thing all through preschool & kindergarten. And, now in 1st grade, I just ask & let him decide what he wants to tell me. Which is usually a lot. This week is Fire Prevention Week & I'm hearing all about it. But, not much more. But, that's OK. I let him decide. Some days, it is short & sweet. I say, just keep doing what you are & he will let things out slowly.

Oh yeah, and when the only answer I got was nothing, I answered back (giggling)--"So, you walked in the building, sat in your chair all day?" That doesn't sound like much fun. Then, I got little pieces of the day.

The universal boy problem!! My oldest son once listened to the question "what did you do in Kindergarten?" and sighed "why do you always ask me that question?" I said "Cuz I'm you're MOTHER!" My youngest son is in Kindergarten and his pat answer is "I forget." Sometimes he'll answer specific questions what kind of story did the teacher read? It really helps to know about their routines and what they call things he doesnt go to gym he goes to PE. some classes have centers some have choice time some have teacher tables and other tables.
One day he announced happily I played with Legos ALL DAY! Now, I teach K so I know better and started on my questions about the book, the special class he went to.. and of course he did more than play with Legos all day!
Our best time of day to talk is at bedtime, we turn out the lights, I lay down next to him and say"what do you want to talk about? choices are letters (what starts with G or what does bat start with?, Numbers, If you have three cookies and eat one....Spanish-I'm teaching him a little Spanish or Kindergarten. It's actually a way to postpone bedtime so he's more talkative( I get him to bed nice and early so he isn't really staying up too late)
One mother advised me if you really want to know more about what happens in his class Ask a girl in his class.!!

I don't really want to say it is a boy thing but..... my son is 7 and was the same way and pretty much all the boys he knew "dummied up" when asked about school, for details anyway. My son also said great or we had fun but when asked details he was clueless, or couldn't remember etc. So I felt as long as he wasn't having problems in school I'd let it go. Then this year 2nd grade all changed. He offers info before I even ask how school was, goes into some detail about what he did for the day etc. So I know you asked for tips but, he might just not want to talk about it now, but will when he is older. My GF's son never wanted to talk about school and when she finally asked him why he said "I'm just like daddy and he never wants to talk about work."(lol) I guess at this stage just take the "awesome or great" as your info for the day.

So typical! I think what you're seeing is that the stuff he remembers, playing with his grandparents, for example, were activities and games that he got to choose, or participate in choosing. Not so much so in K – the topic of the hour is chosen for him, and therefore seems less immediate, memorable, or even relevant.

For all sorts of fantastic tips on increasing the depth and quality of your communications with your son, I happily recommend my favorite all-time parenting book: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. I can say without reservation that both you and your son will love the skills you'll learn from this great little resource.

My son is 5 and those are the same answers I get EVERYDAY. I dunno, I don't remember, etc. I usually ask about the things during the day that I know are his favorites. He loves PE, Music, Computer Lab, Recess, and Lunch. So I usually ask about those times of the day. I usually get I dunno at first, then I let it go. About 10 minutes later he will remember something and out of the blue tell me what happened. Boys are just that way. Now if you ask my 3 yo daughter what she did in preschool, she will give you the rundown of the whole day.

Perhaps try asking him about his favorite or least favorite parts of the day. I talked to my nephew last night about his school day, he is in K too. He said he couldn't remember and I asked him about his favorite parts and he told me recess, gym and music and then sang me the song he learned. Good luck.

My son doesn't talk about school much at all. I ask him and he says he forgot or he doesn't remember ect. He is in 3rd grade and it is still the same. I am chomping at the bit so to speak when it comes parent teacher time, because I know how his school work is, but nothing else. To give you an example we mailed out his birthday invitations this week. He invited a girl that I never heard of, he has never mentioned her name. When I asked if she is a close friend he told me... I sit next to her in class, I sit with her at lunch, we always play together at recess and we always pick each other to be on the same team, he then said "hello mom, she's like my best friend:" He had never even mentioned this new friend after all these weeks of school.

I also ask my kids to tell me their favorite thing that happened during their day at school and their least favorite thing.

totally typical!
I now ask SPECIFICS. Or tell me what happened that was exciting. Sometimes I hear about the kid that barfed, or the trash can that tipped over. Or what susie had in her lunch box. Rarely is it anything they learned. and i have 3 kids.

I have no answer from you. My son, who is in 1st grade this year will only tell me about the things they did during P.E. , Math buckets or recess! Ha! I know they do more than just those 3 things...but that seems to be what he is most interested in. I continue to ask about what he did that day, everyday, hoping things will change but until then, as long as he is doing good in school and not having any issues, I am trying not to stress on it! :)

My son loves Thomas & Friends and pretend play so I pretend to be an engine from the show and we talk about school and how fun it is. I say, "WOW! I wish I could be a cool kid and go to school! What kinds of fun things did you get to do there?" He tells me so much more than if I just say, "What did you do today?"

I have a kindergardner in my daycare, and she is so expressive, she shares everything down to the last detail, but when i pick her up from school I ask her how was school she says good, I ask her what did you do today I get I don't know, what did you have for lunch? i forgot, so it may be normal. Their so cute at this age. Hope this helped. J.

My son (4) is EXACTLY the same when I ask about his day in an open ended way like that. Now, we use a discussion frame that works REALLY well for us.

My son and I do "rose and thorn" each evening. We each tell the rose (something that made our day great) and thorn (something hard or upsetting during the day... "something that poked the day" as my son says). For example today his rose was eating lunch and this thorn was falling off the play structure. Then I can ask him follow up questions about lunch (what'd you eat, who'd you sit with etc) and the fall (wow, how did that happen?)

I find it's easier for BOTH of us to start talking about our days with the scaffolded discussion starters.

HTH
T.

Two books: "Parenting With Love and Logic" and "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk." Some kids just don't want to talk about their day right away but will later. Read those books and you might get some insight on how to communicate better with your son.

I have the same prob with my soon to be 4 year old. When at school she is very reserved and quiet but at home she is a chatterbox. When i pick her up from preschool i ask her about her day and she has the same responses as your son. My daughter attends a school where there is a 2-way mirror so i can observe the class any time i want and this has helped me discuss what she has done in school and help her remember when she says she doesnt remember. My suggeston is lay off the questions for a few days and see if he mentions his day on his own. I did this a couple of times and it worked although not always. Good Luck!

I had a schedule of what classes they had in the day and the teacher sent out a weekly news saying what they would be doing. So on a particular day I would ask him specifics like "What did you do in gym/art/music/spanish class today" "What book did you read" "Did you go outside for recess" Usually this got him talking and he told me more than I asked him. I am doing this now that he's in first grade too. He tells me more now without me having to ask specifics.

my son does that sometimes too

Every Monday when I pick up my son from school I take him for ice cream and while we eat our treat together I start asking about what he did in school and he responds very well. Now, I always ask him in the car as well on all the other days and sometimes I get the " I don't remember" but he is usually pretty good about telling me. I know that he learns songs because he always singing in the car and at home.

We play a game where once they are all in the car, each child needs to tell me X number of things about their day. Each day is a different number and they have to think about what they want to share and they have to listen to each other. Simple, but it gets us through "The Whatchadotoday I-donnos"

We used to do Highs and Lows at the dinner table. Everyone, including the adults, had to give one high and one low from their day. That usually created expanded conversation around the high and low, and was a good starting point for conversation in general.

I always say while driving home or during a quiet moment later - "so, what was your favorite thing you did today?" then follow it with "what is the worse thing that happened today?" Now - as I type that, I think it sounds funny - the second part. But they always have something to say. So and so cried a lot. So and so threw sand on my head. Seems to work for us. My sister gave me this idea after I was having the same issue. Hubby and I were thinking - all this money on school and they say, "nothing" LOL!

I just realized that lately - my second follow up question is asked in different ways - I may say, "did anything crazy happen today?" I haven't liked how the second part has sounded (what's the worse thing that happened) so I realize I change it up a bit depending on the answer to the first part. Sometimes they just talk talk talk and I don't need to ask anything else just by asking what their favorite thing they did was.

I think some kids are just like this.

My daughter was in preschool last year and told me NOTHING. And I too would hear all these other stories from other kids. Especially because one of the other kids in her class we did playdates with. The other girl would tell me all sorts of things. My daughter would say to everyone, I don't want to talk about school. And we tried everything from working from things we know she did to just basic general questions.

She is now in Kindergarten....and sometimes she will share with me how her day is and sometimes she gives the blanket answer I don't want to talk about school. She is getting a lot better though. Usually telling me things without me even asking. I've also shamelessly let her tell me things right before bed. I know that she is just delaying going to bed and I'm just selfishly wanting to hear from her words how her day is but oh well. (Lately though, I haven't even had to do this because she's been voluntarily talking about it throughout the night when I get home from work)

So funny! My high schooler still has these brain slips!

I went through this with my boy .. I guess as soon as he started school! When it started to drive me crazy that he couldn't remember elements of his day, I simply started asking him what he'd had for lunch. That seemed to jog his memory and we'd go from there.

Good luck, have fun!

Hello, I never ask my grandkids how their day went or "How was your day at school?". When I pick one of them up from school, I ask "What was the best thing that happened today?" if they don't have anything I ask "Then what was the worst thing that happened today?" They usually have and answer to both. Sometimes they will just say recess or P.E. Then I can ask what they did at that. Once in a while, they will say something like "Math" or another subject. Then the door is open. If they don't want to talk, then we go onto something else.
Good luck with your precious son.
K. K.

We ask our kids questions that they can't answer yes or no too. I ask them "what was the funniest thing that happened today" "who got to write on the board today" "how was the lunch that you brought to school" "what did you play at recess" "who did you sit with" questions like that are open ended and sometimes will make them talk

As a kindergarten teacher, that response is very typical. Please do not take it personally. Their class is only their zone. Its the one thing in their lives that they have the power (at a very tender age) to keep to themselves. Does your child's teacher give the parents a newsletters indicating what is going on in the class? If they do, read it and make reference to what is being studied in the class. For example, "I know you are discussing the letter D this week. Lets see how many words we can say that begin with the letter D". Maybe a short email from the teacher with a few sentences about the activities in the class.

Hmm. Poor boy - there must be SOME reason he's not wanting to share (a bully? someone told him he's dumb?) Can you go and observe and be a 'teacher's helper' one day and observe something the teacher might not be seeing?

What about at the dinner table, EVERYONE MUST say one good thing and one bad thing that happened during their day. You start to show an example. And show him it's okay to have faults. Yours could be something like "I saved $3 in coupons at the grocery store. But my bad one is that I yelled at the dog and I shouldn't have."

That's all I got. Sorry.