How Do You Deal with a 3 Yr Old Tantrum?

I just tell my kids that I can't understand them when they're *that* upset and to come back when they calm down. Then I ignore them until they DO calm down. Sometimes that means they go to their room, sometimes a time-out and sometimes they just drop and have a cry. But I do NOT talk to them again until they're calm.

Such a common experience for kidlets and moms. It's a frustrating time in your son's life. The areas of his brain that will allow him to deal calmly with disappointment aren't fully developed yet. You can ignore a meltdown once it starts, though I'd avoid sending signals that he might interpret as you rejecting or abandoning him – some kids find that terrifying.

Here's a list I've compiled over several years of things that have worked well for me as a mom and granny, and things that have helped young families I know:

1. When he wants something, empathize, big time, and in his language. I love the advice of Dr. Harvey Karp on how to get on a tantruming toddler's wavelength in this and several related videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6KnVPUdEgQ&feature=re... . Once your little guy realizes you do care about what he wants, he's more likely to be able to calm down and cooperate with what you need from him.

2. There are lots of positive ways to approach discipline (which actually means teaching, and not punishment), rather than just saying no. Kids hear NO! often, and they can be so frustrated. So look for ways of finding a mutual "yes," and save "no" for those occasions when children are trying something dangerous. Instead of "Put that remote down!" for example, try "Here, play with this (dead) cell phone!" There will also be times when you must have cooperation, like diapering or trips to the store, so keep a special toy or distraction that he gets to play with only at those times.

3. Keep it playful, and keep it respectful. Children learn primarily through play and imitation. You may need help with this if your parents didn't model a lighthearted and kind approach when you were little. The book Playful Parenting is a great resource. Your son's sense of humor is developing, crude though it may be. (Also be aware that some "behaviors" like throwing are a natural experimental activity for kids, a form of play that is programmed into them for the purpose of developing brain/body connections. Find plenty of "acceptable" outlets and games for those repeating behaviors.)

4. Here's a big one: give advance notice when you'll want him to be doing anything differently, especially when he's grooving on some activity/play. Children absolutely hate unexpected transitions. With my grandson, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("We're going to go to the store / have lunch / take a nap pretty soon." … and then a second alert a minute before making the change.)

5. Whatever the next activity is, make it sound as desirable as possible. Give some detail about the ride in the car, or a favorite food at lunch, or sweet snuggles before nap. Be positive and enthusiastic. And be calm. Desperation will show, and even though he's too young to deliberately engage in a planned power struggle, he will quite naturally sense any cracks in your resolve. And this is where future power struggles truly can begin.

6. Learn his limits. Try to keep demands low when he's tired, over-managed, hungry, or sick. He won't have any emotional reserves left with which to cooperate.

7. Get to know his most likely trouble-spots, and plan ahead. For many kids, it's when they want some temptation they've seen. So keep those things out of sight when possible. Be prepared with a distraction – for example, another toy he likes when you have to take some fascinating object away, or a healthy treat when he wants a sweet snack. Laughter, introducing a new game, a few twirls and bounces, hugs or tickles, a goofy song, can help break into his determination to get something he wants (that short attention span is both a curse and a blessing). And those interactions will give him some of the positive strokes he might be missing now that a new baby is distracting you more.

8. Avoid bribes, but let him work toward occasional rewards. Don't try to buy cooperation with "IF you'll do X, we'll let you have Y." Instead, phrase it as if he gets to assist in advancing something good for himself: "Hey, as soon as you help me get X done, then we get to do Y." It sounds like a small distinction, but it's important. It gives the child a chance to cooperate in what feels like choice, even when there's no "if" about it.

9. Encourage lots and lots of physical activity during the day. Time outdoors in nature is calming for most children. If he has pent-up energy, it will have to come out some way, and unless channeled in a positive direction, it will likely to add to both your stress and his.

10. Limit TV time – the passive receptivity to all that fast editing seriously interferes with children's normal brainwave patterns, making focus, cooperative behavior, and engagement in the "real" world more difficult.

11. Whatever you are trying to teach will need to be repeated hundreds of times over the next few years. That's completely normal. Attention spans and impulse control are extremely limited in toddlers, and the areas of the brain where those connections are being made develop only gradually during the toddler years.

12. Spanking and time-outs don't work for every kid, and will sometimes actually backfire over time. Children may be annoyed, scared, shocked, or shamed into compliance, but behaving for the sake of avoiding discomfort is NOT the same thing as developing an internalized sense of "good." Consistent, calm guidance and modeling what you DO want from him will work better in the long run than punishing for what you DON'T want him to do. See more on this by googling The Science of Parenting or Emotion Coaching.

13. Pay attention to what you love and appreciate about your son, and make sure he knows. Treat him with calm and respectful authority. Children crave attention and approval, and if he knows you're noticing his good moments, he'll try to create more of them.

14. Be open to learning new things about your little boy daily, even hourly. Often, what we think or assume gets in the way of noticing what is actually happening.

I wish you well. Enjoy your little boy – this is a challenging AND rewarding age!

i do the same as some of the previous answers, with my 4 year old, and have for a couple years now. if it's just general whining, fussing, arguing, i tell him i have no idea what he's trying to say because i don't understand whine. if he wants to talk to me like a big boy and ask me something nicely, i will be able to hear him. if he escalates into full on tantrum mode then he needs to go into his room until he's done; mom doesn't deserve to be treated like that. i understand he is mad and that's fine - but screaming at me is not ok.

Ignore and walk away. Do not engage. Once he realizes he will not get a reaction from you he will stop doing it.

Ok, so something is going on- YokaReeder.com is a very sane referance for behavior.
And look ar what he is eating- wrong food will cause things like this as well.
best, k

He's 3 and goes to Kindergarten?

Generally ignore his fits.

Try some simple board games where waiting for a turn is good practice.

Remain calm and give him as little attention as possible. Calmly tell him you know he's upset/angry etc, but he cannot act that way and you'll talk to him when he can calm down. Just started this type of approach w/ my 3 year old... and it's slowly working... 1st time out took 45 minutes, but it's getting better and he is behaving better. I actually think consistent limits make him more comfortable.. he knows what to expect... good luck

My son does the same thing. I used to yell and get frustrated, now I don't even reason at all and I put him in time out. This is one of those deals where consistancy has paid off. My son rarely pulls this on his dad. I think they target us because we are with them the most. Hopefully, your parents will respect your wishes and follow through with the same behavior. Give it a week and if it doesn't work try time out and taking away a privledge. Some may say they (child) doesn't understand. You know your son, do whats best for him. Remember, you are the mom and you don't TRY to set the limits you set them and he abides by them. It is difficult at first but I think he will catch on quick and want to please his mommy. Good Luck!

I couldn't agree more with Peg M's advice. I've used a lot of those techniques with both my kids. They really do help.