How Do We Tell Our Kids?

Be prepared to discuss good decisions and poor decisions...I would avoid the word "bad"...or you know they will tell the niece she made a really BAD decision. (And maybe she did...but she knows that and coming from her 9 and 6 year old cousins...)

Jo W was right they will ask the one question you haven't prepared for...

About the only thing I can think of that will help you is that one question you didn't consider, that will be the one they ask.

Well...I got pregnant at 19. So while it's a bad decision, the last thing she needs is everyone telling her how disappointed they are in her. The truth is, when that baby is born, everyone is going to love that child and forget about all of the anger/hurt feelings right now.

I would just answer what questions they have with appropriate answers to their ages. Your 9 year old should be old enough to have a more honest conversation with than your 6 year old. But they will talk together I'm sure. They don't need to know it's anything bad, they just need to know a baby is coming. I would explain to them the whole choices and consequences thing, and tell them that she made a choice and now at a young age has to deal with something an adult should.

But as a young mom myself, I can tell you that being disappointed in her will do no good for anyone. My parents were of course disappointed in me, but now 10 years and 3 kids later, you'd never know I had a kid just after turning 20. I graduated college early, I got married at 21 (to my baby's father), built and bought a home at 25, and I am 29 now and just finished my MBA. My kids are well provided for and taken care of. Don't discount her from being a good mom or making good choices going forward. Just be there for her. I'm sure she's getting all the lecturing she needs from her parents.

Oh J., please don't make an example of this baby as mentioned below. You don't mention what happened, nor do you need to. Everyone is trying to give you their best two bits, therefore speculating. To love the baby is not glamorizing it. Your sibling, niece, or the baby would not like their child to be an example to teach your children a lesson.

I would be perfectly honest with them and answer their questions as best possible for their age. Sometimes we don't need every question answered even though we wonder. So if they want to know why the two are not married, you may just say that is something they will work out together.

I am sure there is enough stress in your nieces immediate family already. I would just ask your children to save the questions for you and show their cousin love.

Just tell them. Sarah is going to have a baby. It is going to be here after Christmas.

No need to beat the niece up, she is having the baby and keeping it? Isn't the keeping and having the baby a good choice?

So you all are going to continue to love her and her baby and help to support her.

I agree to speak with the 9 year old about how you wish niece had finished school and been older so she could be married and THEN have a baby.. But that as a family you all are going to help her anyway you can.. Is niece going to finish school> That should be brought up as another good idea.

As your girls get older, they will begin to ask questions about who is the dad. Why aren't they married etc. .. That is when you can start to fill in the blanks with your opinions, but again, your niece is still your niece. You do still love her and proud of her choice, right? Make that part clear.

Time for family to gather together to support their beloved family member.. The tough times are when the true love comes into play.

I would just answer the questions that they may have. Simply say she is going to have a baby. See how they react. The younger one may not even ask. I have a cousin that has two kids and is not married, never was. My kids don't even question where their daddy is. If they do, I'll be honest with them. Good luck to your niece. I am sure its not what she or her family had planned but its the card she was dealt. Hopefully she has a good support system.

Wait as close to the cousin's due date if they are not going to be spending any time with said cousin. For small chldren it seems like people are pregnant FOREVER. If they are going to be seeing her regularly I would probably wait until she is showing at around 4-5 months pregnant.

1. Be honest. - Cousin Jane is going to have a baby.

As they ask questions
2. Be age appropriate.
3. Keep your answers short and simplistic.
4. Let your girls know what you expect of their life and let them know that just like you love cousin Jane you will continue to love them too.

Be certain to shower cousin Jane with loads of love and affirmation. While this is not the optimal situation for Cousin Jane, she will need even more love and support now more than ever.

We all have made mistakes in our lives most of our mistakes remain quiet while hers is out for everyone to see. Love her through this difficult time because my guess is she probably has so much going on with her emotions and mind that she could use the extra support. Too often people choose to kick a person while they are already down, please support Jane and the baby (who didn't ask to be here and is not at fault). Who knows this baby could be the one who creates a cure for cancer.

michelle s. has an excellent idea. Outsiders looking in often see the mom and baby when everything is going right. Your girls need to see the non-fun side of a young mom.

Teach your kids that everyone makes mistakes and that your neice getting pregnant before she got married and got the help and support of a loving husband was a BIG mistake. See what Purple mom has said. This is an opportunity to teach morality.

Additionally, don't beat the mom up verbally. She made a mistake, but who doesn't. Her mistake will just become more visible as time goes on. But the mistake was not getting married first and waiting until she got married. The baby itself is not a mistake. The baby is a wonderful addition to our world.

BTW, my wife delivered out first son 6 days before our first anniversary. She was 19 at the time. He is now serving our country in the USAF.

Good luck to you and yours.

Be honest, state the facts. DO NOT make this 17 yr old person look bad in your children's eyes.

Use this as a learning lesson. She did make a poor choice and now her life is changed forever.

Always keep your lines of communication open with your children so they will come to you with questions and concerns.

Just this year... a girl who made the JV cheer squad abrubtly dropped cheer. Everyone was told she was moving but that was not the case. She had a baby about a month ago at 16. Her FB is plastered with the pictures of the baby, conratulations, etc.

My daughter has some very high goals and when she walks out that door with her bf, I sometimes say.... A baby would throw a wrench in your plans!! I get the OH MOM.... but she get's what I am saying.

You don't have to be full out detail with your children, answer their questions.

I would just tell them that their cousin is having a baby and if they have any questions, they are free to ask.

Obviously you don't think it's the ideal situation, but if she wants to keep the baby, you don't want to say anything negative about the whole thing other than you'd prefer your kids to a) wait until they are adults to have sex and b) be married when they have kids.

I've read a few answers and all seem great. I just want to add on that little girls LOVE babies, as I am sure you know very well. After baby is born, if 17 yr old is keeping the baby, use this as a teaching tool. Don't just have the girls visit the baby when all is perfect and he or she is dressed so cute and sleeping or playing and cooing. Have them see their cousin in action and maybe even have them stay overnight with her and get up for feedings, changes, etc. You don't want to glamourize the situation for your two girls. You can talk all you want about the mistake their cousin made, but they need to see why it was a mistake. This is a great life lesson, unfortunately at the expense of their cousin.

I heartily agree with Gamma G's advice to wait until your niece is past her first term and showing. If she does end up losing the pregnancy (which happens as often as 1/3- 1/4 of pregnancies), then 'oh, you're going to have a baby?' attention from your daughters could be traumatic for her.

Otherwise, Laurie A and Mom2KCK said it for me.

Be honest, but don't "answer" any questions they DON'T ask, especially with your six year old. If I were in your situation I think I would tell my children separately, because there's a big difference between 6 and 9. My 7 year old has no idea where babies come from or anything else along those lines, so I wouldn't worry about it with my own, but I realize some parents talk to their children about sex at incredibly young ages. (WHOLE different story.)

I would just be honest, and again, don't answer what they don't ask.

Oh geez. Well I would just tell them the truth. Lay it out there and go from there. It's not a bad idea to wait to tell the kids after the first trimester, but you have to kind of follow the lead of the niece and her family. Are they going to be telling others before then? How close are your girls to your niece and do they see her often?

I guess my point is I would hesitate keeping it from your girls if everyone else knows b/c everyone else will be talking about it at all the family functions and on the telephone. Plus, if your niece does end up having morning sickness or something they will surely question why she's sick all the time, etc.

If you haven't already discussed the "how" of pregnancy, it may come up now and you'll have to be prepared for it. It sounds like up until now you've encouraged your children to only think of being pregnant after marriage so they may just wonder about the logistics of this particular scenario, which is natural. Tell them the truth.

This is a hard time for your family and I know the next few months will be stressful. Hugs!

I wouldn't say anything to the girls yet. Wait until after your niece is safely through the 1st trimester before having the discussion with your girls. God forbid anything happen with your niece or her pregnancy but as we all know these things sometimes happen. No need for a conversation about something that may not come to fruition.

When the time comes, I would be as honest with the girls as possible while reinforcing what your family moral/values are and what you consider to be the best path for your girls.

Don't sugar coat it, your niece is in for major struggles being a single Mom at such a young age. Yes, she made a poor decision to have sex at such a young age and she must now face the consequences for her poor decision.

The tv shows and movies glorify the teen mom making it the "cool" thing to do. What they are not really stressing is that teen Mom is sacrificing her own young adulthood.

Teen Mom will not be going to friday night football/basketball games to hang out with her friends. Teen Mom may not be going to Prom. IF the young father chooses to be involved they will have a tough road ahead of them. BUT many of the "teen fathers" tend to bail at such responsibility. Teen Dads often go on with their life as planned leaving Teen Mom with all of the physical and financial responsibility. Teen Mom has effectively put an end to her early dating years because very few young men are willing to date a girl that already has a child.

Teen Mom will have to work twice as hard as everybody else to keep her studies up while being exhausted from taking care of baby all night. Teen Mom will not be going away to college as she may have planned. I don't know of any dorms that allow babies. Therefore teen mom will be living at home going to their local college IF she can afford college because babies are not cheap.

Give them the entire picture, don't just gloss over it. Your girls need to be informed of ALL of the consequences of having sex at such a young age. I know you do not want to offend your niece or her parents and it is very likely that your girls will repeat what you say to them. Be careful of what you say and how you say it. Although, I'd assume your sister or brother and niece would expect you to speak with your children regarding the situation and deter them from following the same path.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

J.:

Tell them the truth - that their cousin made a VERY BAD decision in having sex BEFORE she got married. it is NOT what you expect of them - but this is the consequence of having sex before marriage - protected or UN-protected.

Stick to YOUR morals and values and explain that people sometimes make bad decisions in the heat of the moment....and things happen....in this case, a baby happened.

Keep the lines of communication open with your kids. Sex is NOT bad....but you would PREFER that they wait until they are married to have sex...

They will ASK HOW it happened. Be prepared to explain in SIMPLE terms sexual intercourse. Use the KISS method - Keep It Simple Silly...

Well, this is a good lesson for your girls - having sex can lead to pregnancy, whether you are married or not. You might need to tell your girls separately, as the 9 year old is probably more ready to really learn about sex than the 6 year old.

The basic gist, especially for the little one: when two people love each other, they can make a baby, even if they are not married. It is better to wait until you are married, but sometimes having a baby happens first.

Do not tell the girls that you are disappointed in their cousin. You can tell them that 17 is very young and things will probably be difficult to her, and that you hope they decide to wait until they are older and married to make the decision to have a baby. But you don't want them turning around and saying bad things to her about it. Chances are, she already feels pretty upset about it and doesn't need little girls telling her she messed up.

Keep it simple for now. It's too soon to have a big talk about why you should wait. If you want to explain the logistics of making a baby, go for it. But other than saying you hope they will wait until they are married, don't go too deep into the moral aspect right now. Save it till they are teenagers and thinking about boys.

I would wait until she is showing and past the first few months. She might have complications and even have a miscarriage. Is she sure she is going to continue the pregnancy?

There are a lot of factors that would influence the "when" I would talk to them about it.

I might even wait until they notice and ask about it.

I would simply tell them niece is having a baby and then answer the questions that they ask. There might not be any. The 9 year old knows about sex, right? If not and if she is asking, it is time to tell her. The 6 year old is not too young if she has specific questions as well. I assume both of them know that dogs and cats have puppies and kittens and they are not married. I would try to answer the particular questions they are asking. They may have questions about specifics (where will the baby live if there are not a mommy and daddy or something like that) rather than any sort of mechanical questions. I am not sure why having a new cousin will be confusing to your kids.

Your disappointment that your niece did not choose to use birth control is something you should probably keep to yourself. There is no way that is going to help her, you or your children.

Before you say a word to your own girls, talk to their school counselor. The counselor may have handled this exact issue before and could advise you on how to approach it. Be sure the counselor understands that in your family, you are teaching your girls that the normal order of things is for a woman to have a baby after she is married, and you need some ideas on how to explain to your children that what you want them to think of as the normal order is sometimes circumvented. Ask the counselor for some specific dialogue to use and ask her or him to help you think of every possible question.

You have a little time here, I assume, unless the niece is so pregnant that it is already very clearly showing and she sees your children regularly--? I would not rush to tell them unless they absolutely will see her very soon and she's showing. I would want to time the discussion a bit, so it's not happening when your girls are rushing out the door, or upset about something at school that day, etc. Again, ask the counselor about what to do. Also, should you tellt he two girls separately and in different ways, or together? You know them best; would the 9-year-old know more already or take it differently or have different questions, whereas the younger girl would possibly shrug and say "Oh, OK" and have no questions? I would really consider talking to them separately so if the older one has more mature questions, the younger one doesn't have to be involved in that talk.

Please take care that whatever you say does not tell the girls -- either directly or through your tone of voice or word choices -- that their cousin is "bad." Yes, it's disappointing, and I'm sure you and her parents are worried about her entire future right now, and with reason. But you don't want to telegraph to the younger girls that their cousin is a bad person; that would only confuse and upset them. You don't want them to think it's acceptable to you for a girl her age to be pregnant, but you also don't want them to think they need to shun her -- right?

A lot will depend on how close they feel to this cousin and how much they already interact with her. If they are not that close and don't see her frequently, they may surprise you with a lack of much interest; or they may be very interested indeed. Talk with the counselor about how to handle either situation. It's possible they will give you a cool "Oh--OK" and not say anything else, but come back at you later, even in weeks or months, with a lot of questions and feelings about it. Be prepared for that.

We had this same exact situation come up when one of my cousins became pregnant three years ago, and her older sister became pregnant nine months ago. Neither of my cousins is married. The first one was 18 when it happened, and the second one is now 22 (I think). My cousins behave as if it's the Best! Thing! Evarrrrr! although being family I do know the behind the scenes struggles and misery.

Anyway, my daughters did ask the tough questions. It's just been part of the ongoing discussion about sex and relationships. My daughters are currently nearly-12, 9, and 7. We've been having these discussions for as long as we've been able to identify body parts accurately and answered their questions as they come up, as situations warrant, etc.

Okay, so when my daughters asked if my cousins were married, of course I had to say, "No" and my girls made squishy faces saying, "They did THAT when they weren't married?" "Yes, honey, sometimes people do have sex when they're not married." Then I take the opportunity to discuss how having a baby in a loving, committed relationship that's called marriage is the most preferable, etc... we talk about why that's our ideal. We talk about how even though our cousins have babies when they're not married, those babies are still very much wanted and very much loved, and very special to our family and so are our cousins.

Whenever I make a statement of my own opinion as fact, I make sure to also ask, "Do you understand? Do you have any questions?"

Don't say anything yet. Not to be negative or morbid, but until the pregnancy is well established, I'd say at four months, you never know, she could miscarry, or something else :(
Once it's clear she's going to have a baby you can just use it as a good opportunity to talk about your values, expectations, making good choices, etc. I wouldn't put down my niece, but I would point out how she won't get to do all the fun things most young girls get to do, like go away to college, and how she will no longer have time to be with her friends, because she will be spending all day at school and all night taking care of her baby.

I would keep answers truthful but short, and elaborate only as much as they ask. Kids this age don't need the details.

Also, I wouldn't hide all your disappointment, but I wouldn't act like the world is ending in front of your girls. They need to know that the family can get through all problems (or they could be afraid to tell you stuff later). I would say something like "Yes, so and so isn't married, and it will be a challenge for the family, but we still love her and will help her when she needs it".

I had the same isue come up recently when our cousin's son came to visit with his pregnant girlfriend. My kds are 9 & 11, it acually was easier than I thought. Well for one we had both kids before we got marred, and I do not hide it from them, I am very honest with them about it, heck they are in our wedding pictures, but we were also 30 years old and obviously independant of our parents. I just tod the kids that their cousin and his girfriend were going to have a baby and that although it is best to be married before having children sometimes it doesnt always work that way and all we can do it to be there to help them, because being young parents can be very dfficult. Good luck to you!

Tell them just like you would tell them if it were your sister or someone else older and married. Your girls, especially the 9 year old, need to know that you can get pregnant even if you are not married. It's not the ideal situation, but it does happen and it is okay.

Sorry you are so disappointed. I hope she continues to move forward in her life and surprises you all!

Thank you for all the great suggestions! I guess I should have been more specific. My niece is due in November and is now showing which is why I believe she finally told the family. We live in a very small town and our kids all go to the same K-12 school so there is a chance they will hear it at school (hopefully not but you never know). Unfortunately people talk in small towns. We also just had a baby 3 weeks ago so our babies will only be about 3 months apart so I think this may be confusing for my girls as well.