My daughter is 13 and suddenly very "into" clothes. (Up til now, she was more about comfort than style!) She is a little bit chunky around the mid-section; not fat but certainly not a stick-kid. And don't all teen clothes seem to be for stick kids these days??! She has long slender legs, and I try to sway her toward styles that would cover her belly more and emphasize her legs, but when I take her clothes shopping, she seems to pick the styles that will be the least flattering possible on her... slinky, silky fabrics, tight around her waist... I think because it's the ones she thinks are most "in". Because she is unhappy with her shape, she tends to get offended when I offer suggestions (and I swear I try to do it as kindly as possible!) If I say "this would look good on you" she probably won't try it, even if she'd like it had she seen it first. Have any of you found successful ways to head your child toward the right stuff without them knowing it, and without hurting their feelings?
ADDT'L: She enjoys shopping with her Aunt, but she lives in another state, so we only see her about once a year. I understand she should pick her own clothes, I'm for that, but she ASKS for my opinion! I don't want to lie to her about how something looks on...
First, thanks for all your replies. (I especially loved the "shop with a gay friend", lol! Dang. we haven't got any local...) My concern isn't that she dresses "inappropriately" or, shall we say, "slutty"... she's not into showing skin, thank goodness. It's more of not playing up her best qualities.... Well, today she wanted to go to the mall to spend part of her "Forever 21" gift card. She went in with her friend, and I waited in the mall outside the store. (Ater all, it was her own money/gift card, so I figured I would take your advice and let her do her own thing.... we could always return it if it was absolutely unacceptable to her dad or I!) When they came out, she'd bought 2 tops and one jacket that are adorable on her, and one dress that, well, it would probably look better one size up, but it's not bad. I told her something along the lines of "Great job! Really cute stuff. That looks so cute on you.", and left it at that. And I meant it; good job, kiddo! I guess I need to quit worrying and trust that I've done a decent job so far in guiding her..... again, thanks for all the advice!
She's 13. She's old enough to pick out her own clothes, whether they flatter her or not. I know it must be hard, because you want her to look and feel her best. Unfortunately, she doesn't want the clothes you feel will flatter her.
I think you should let her do this on her own.
I totally agree with Heather. Someone should do this, but not you. Not worth the fights and resentment.
But honestly, this isn't just about how she looks now, but is an EXCELLENT life lesson. All women should know how to flatter their bodies, not just feel like they need to waste away to nothing to look good. It's important when she's 13, 23, 33, etc. If she can wear things with confidence, she's got a leg up on tons of other girls.
My daughter has the same build! Does she have a favorite aunt, cousin, etc. that she looks up to? Maybe she could buy your daughter some clothes for her birthday or other special occasion. If that special person thinks the clothes are "cool" maybe your daughter will too. Maybe the special person could go shopping with you and your daughter. Or if your daughter has a top that's flattering, maybe the special person could make a comment on how nice she looks in it, giving her an ego boost, and maybe prompting her to get more clothes like the flattering one! Good luck. :o)
I feel for you! As a mother of 4 girls (ages 30 - 17) I've been there & done that. Really -- you'll both get through it. You sound like you're trying to gently guide ("gently" being key here -- good for you!). Isn't it awful how sometimes this is easier said than done?
I'd agree with letting someone else do the shopping with you. I've used an older cousin with my daughter -- and my 18-yo has gone with her best friend & her friend's mom for years as an intermediary.
As a twist, though, if you can't think of anyone, go by yourself to a store you think she'll like. Look around & see what you think about their clothes. Find a smart salesperson, explain the situation & enlist her help. Go back w/your daughter & let the salesperson do her job. You, of course, have the final say -- gently, of course.
Good luck! A thick skin and patience helps...
If she's suddenly very into clothes go with that and buy her some books on the matter. I love "Kate Spade's Guide to Style" and I'm sure there are many more that discuss fit and shape. Compliment her nice legs often and leave out anything else. You tend to show off what you know is your best asset.
Heather is also right, a cool outsider will be more successful than you will in helping her chose her clothes. You are, after all, "like totally old and have no fashion sense". I know that was the case with my mom. ;)
Good luck!
T.
I would have her start watching the show, what not to wear on lifetime channel. Let her know that you have no problem with her picking out her own clothes as long as she is footing the bill, but if you are paying the tab, then you get a vote as to what goes in the bag. i do not have a teenager, but imagine this is what i will be saying. Regardless of her body shape, or the current in fad, you can clothe everyone very stylish and for very little with the proper rules in mind. hope this helps you. this shouldn't be a power struggle between you two, but a rite of passage for her. You don't throw a kid in a car and say do what you want, shouldn't do the same with dressing herself either. There are rules that most Americans do not know and that clothes are not just for keeping us warm or to cover parts not appropriate to be seen in public, but are also a tool to open of close the doors to opportunities rather we like it or not. You only get one time to make a good impression after all.
Hope this helps.
Hi - I have two daughters (15/18) and can relate. Here's what worked for me: my sister-in-law works at Banana Republic and is an awesome salesperson. She is the one that, very respectfully, told my daughter the pants were too tight and, "I have something that will be much more flattering on you and really show off your legs." I never had to say a word and she bought it hook, line and sinker. Have not read other responses. If you can find a salesperson to work with, or someone else you trust (and you prep them ahead of time), she is more likely to listen. I am learning (very, very slowly) that the better I am at keeping my mouth shut (about anything, really), the more likely it is to happen, the better our relationship stays and the more they learn. Also, unless it's life threatening, let her make and learn from her own decision. I will always remember my friend who lost her son in a car crash. The first thing she said to me afterwards was, "I wish I'd let him wear what he wanted; I wish I hadn't fought with him about such a meaningless thing." That taught me a lot! Good luck.
I think she's just looking for your approval. No need to point out what you think is a flaw. Just tell her she's always beautiful to you- and ask her what she thinks of the outfit.
When I was 13 years old many years ago, my mom let me pick out my own clothes. I too was skinny as a child but at 12-13 years old I also had an awkward body size. I would suggest just to let her pick out her own style of what she likes. You'll probably find that she will like a certain style because she thinks she'll look and feels good about herself. Also her friends will let her know what looks good or not. I think it would also boost her self confidence if she is able to choose for herself but of course within reason.
I agree with the idea of having someone else shop with your daughter. I took my niece shopping when she was about this age. We both had fun and she ended up with some clothes she may not have chosen, except her "favorite aunt who lived in the city" recommended it!
My mom has a rule...you try everything on...if I wanted to be able to pick out clothes, I had to try on her suggestions too. I learned that sometimes although it did not look great on the hanger that it would look the best on. It isn't just about what you think though, if she is happy or comfortable wearing something I would not press too hard. It goes both ways, somethings I adored on the hanger I hated once I tried it on. Lots of luck!
Unless the clothes are inappropriate, leave her to it. She will eventually figure out how to pick flattering styles. the more you say, the more you call attention to her curves. From a former curvy child, I will tell you that any remarks from a parent, however well intentioned, hurt. It is bad enough to know that you are chunky, but even worse to know that others see it too, and horrible to know that a parent sees it. If she asks your opinion, simply say, "it is nice, but now what I would choose."
If it's too tight or slutty or shows too much skin, then tell her she can't have it. Other than that, if she doesn't like your suggestions, let her buy what she wants.
If she has a friend or family member of similar age and size that dresses well for her size and shape, take them both shopping together. She's more likely to listen to a peer than you in this situation. If not, try to find a famous girl her age who is as good a role model as you can find, and that is a similar body type. If she wears flattering clothes, maybe your daughter can see herself in a similar way if she sees someone her age already dressing appropriate to her shape, size and age. Otherwise, is there another adult that could substitute for her aunt in this regard?
Yep. My money buy the clothes. Easy fix.
You have gotten a lot of wonderful advice here.
I just want to second one suggestion. Watch "what not to wear" with her. I love this show! Maybe she can learn from other people's mistakes a little, and you guys can bring Clinton and Stacey's knowledge with you when shopping.
The best thing I have learned from that show is this:
When I am in the dressing room trying something on, I ask myself one question. "Do I LOVE the way I look in this?" If the answer is anything but yes (no maybe, or kind of) I don't buy it...no matter how much I thought it was exactly what I wanted!!
The most important thing about the way we dress is the confidence we have in it. This is so so so important for a teenager. Even if it is not what you would pick, or conversely if it is not the newest "it" thing, if she feels like a million bucks in it, then that is what she should wear!!
You need to tell her that she needs to dress for her body type, not the fads and trends that will pass by and constantly be replaced. Also go on to tell her you will not waste your money on clothing not for her age range and body type - PERIOD.
Never forget you are the parent first, friend second.
flylady.com has an affiliate or what ever you want to call it. Missusmartypants and you can sign up for monthy suggestions for your body typefor a fee or you can just view the other makeovers. it might be a little older and fuddy for her but the idea might give her another arsnal in her box for finding the right styles.
Take her shopping where a salesperson will help her pick out her clothes-someone elses opinion may help.
how to solve the problem easily, without hurting her feelings, you say, ok, you like this style, i like this style, if we go with this pair of jeans, i will pay for it, but if we go with the pair you want, you pay for it, problem solved, and no hurt feelings
K. h.
Let her dress herself. Have some rules about how much skin she shows, no mid section or cleavage, skirts to a certain length. Even with all that, clothes can be rolled or tucked to become shorter and more revealing, just as makeup gets heavier once they leave the house. I think all of us can look back at ourselves as teens and have a laugh at what we wore. Especially if you were a teen in the 80's. Let her express herself as she sees fit.
