How Do I Respond to These Different Moms than Me?

Others reactions to what you do or say speak more about them than they do about you. You can choose to share you're experiences (or not) and not bother about what others may think or say.

My eldest daughter went to see the Nutcracker the other day. I personally can't wait until my son (middle child) and youngest daughter are old enough to go and enjoy it. Enjoy the things you love to do together as a family.

No way man. You don't want to set the example that you are wierd and that part of you needs to be hidden. As my ex always says....Let Your Freak Flag Fly!

You are interesting.
You are well rounded.
You are curious.
You are fun.
You are not wierd.
You are orchids growing in a field of daisys.
Don't hide your light, baby, let it shine! I would love to hang out with you and your son!

Just be sure to show the same interest and appreciation for the boring stuff the other parents are talking about, so they dont accuse you of thinking you are better than them. ;)

I think you should find friends who SUPPORT your interests and methods of raising your child. I do not like having to hide things from people who are supposed to care and support me!!

Funny, I took her answer as meaning SHE finds the ballet boring and so she would think her child would find it boring.. Not that she was thinking your son is a sissy.

We also loved taking our daughter to all sorts of events, shows, museums, parks, festivals.

It was fun to see what she would get out of them.
She also became a child that could attend a ballet and sit through it without fussing and making excuses to get up and run around.

She could go to a festival and know to hold our hands, or ask to sit and rest. She could go to a museum and not run around and be loud. She kept her hands behind her back and looked with her eyes.

I remember my mom and dad saying we took her to too many places, we needed to just stay home more.

But I explained, that was not really our lifestyle. We do stay home most of the time, but we live in a city with lots of things going on and we wanted her to experience the different things and people around us.

Believe me, she can and is a homebody and loves to just sit and read. She says she thinks that is like a mini vacation she is able to sit and read as long as she wants.

But she has also said she loved being able to participate in so many things that are no longer around or no longer being held here in town.

I have never cared what others said unless I asked their opinions and then I would consider their opinions. I assumed what they were suggesting, were the things that worked for them, but not necessarily would work for us.

Should you "mask our interests and lifestyle just to avoid comments"? No way!
FB is full of people trying to appear as if they have an interesting, fun life. Most of them don't.
Be yourself! I don't think you have to essentially "dumb down" your existence so as to not offend!

(p.s. I think most moms would LOVE to have a boy they can take to the Nutcracker! The O. who said she would "never torture" her by making him sit through it probably knows he WON'T be able to!
Mine put his foot down this year! LOL Enjoy it while you can!)

Feel good and pat yourself on the back! Soooo good you are raising a child that will know and appreciate other things than cars and super heroes!.... He will grow up with a hunger to explore and get more information and culture.... and that is a lot more important than what other people may or may not think, right?

Not to be ugly but someone that laughs at your activities is showing, first a tad of jelousy and a lot of ignorance plus you need friends, not to like the same things as you but the very least respect you and what you believe.

I am who I am, I love my friends, not always agree with them but I do respect them. I have my activities and post them freely on MY facebook page, if someone does not like it or like me, they can choose not to look at my pictures or comment or anything like it, is not like I post my photos for anyone in particular or that I force anyone to visit my pictures.

Some one that describes the Nutcracker ballet as boring is only showing a huge ignorance and lack of taste and culture, so why would you care what she thinks? is not worth it.... better look for friends with more education.

My grandmother used to take my sister and me every year to classic Swan Lake Ballet. I miss that soo much and I am very sad I can not have that "tradition" with my kids here

You are doing good, do not worry about the other moms.

So taking your son to the ballet is not normal? Really? If that's the case, then my kids are weirdos!!! You shouldn't worry about what others think. You are raising a well adjusted child who is interested in many things. Nothing wrong with that. Seems to me your friends are jealous of your lifestyle!

We also expose our son to culture (all kinds/countries) because we value it as a family and because we want our son to grow up with other interests than to dream of being a pop idol, sports star or reality star. I believe teaching culture past and present gives children a different point of view about their world. The ideas learned can only foster their imagination. Our son loves theatre, science, photography, as well as all the boy sports but he can also have a discussion about Midnight in Paris and his love for the music of Sidney Bechet. He may not understand it all but he knows he wants to visit Paris and see this beautiful city and see the museums etc. He wonders why the light is so much better in Paris than anywhere in the world for painters/photographers/artists. If your family values culture do it and feel proud about it. Don't worry about what anyone else says or comments because in the end do their comments really matter? Also, maybe its time to seek other friendships with like minded parents that respect and accept you and your family. Good luck!

Definitely do not mask things to avoid comments. What does it matter what other people think? You enjoy your life. Share the joy. And stop paying attention to others' comments.

We do the same with our kids.

My sister is a nanny and the mom wouldn't let her kids join my kids at the theater last week because her 4 year old wouldn't behave. My kids have done great in movies from 2 on. They LOVE shows. My oldest is a competitive dancer so my boys have grown up attending shows where there is everything from ballet to hip hop.

My personal opinion? It's unfair to children who's parents DON'T expose them to things because the parents don't think they fit strictly into the BOY or GIRL category. My daughter likes to get out and play football as much as the boys try to copy her tap moves. It's all about being a kid.

Don't let the comments bother you and DON'T mask your interests and lifestyle. Let those comments roll off :).

DO NOT hide the fact that you are introducing your son to culture, books, and different things in this world! Just because someone else doesn't like it, doesn't mean that you can't. If you son is enjoying these things, then keep on doing it. I think everyone in this world can use a little more culture than what they have been exposed to, including me. And I am striving to see more shows, read more books, and do more than I do right now. You are giving him a very good start, keep it up!

Listen to yourself, woman! "Should I mask our interests and lifestyle just to avoid comments?"

You can if you wish, but how much do these comments matter to you is the question. Because no matter WHAT you do, someone is going to have an opinion about it, and someone on the low end of the food chain is going to think it's perfectly fine to make unsolicited rude remarks. Do you honestly CARE about someone with so little tact? For every airhead out there criticizing what you say, there is a classy intelligent person thinking to themselves, "Wow, that's so great they take their child to cultural events." If you never speak up, you may not meet people like that who may have common interests for their kids.

No matter what other people are thinking or saying, you are doing what is great for your child. You can keep it to yourself, or shout it loud and proud. I can tell you are VERY conscientious about appearances (it's OK that you can afford to do some stuff, truly, it would even be OK if you were filthy stinking rich, don't WORRY about offending people) so I'm sure you are not saying these things in rude or boastful ways. I say talk! Nice people will relate, and those are the people you should enjoy talking to. Ignore the creeps! How likely is it that a mom who thinks it's perfectly OK to call something you said you did "boring" has a polite child? Not very. But yet she's talking down to you for being ABLE to take your kid somewhere? There were many different moms who overheard it and probably thought she was tacky. Don't defend yourself next time, just let her ignorant comment float out there in space.

Also, it's good for your son to see his mom proudly being who she is, and not being afraid of what other people think. So be yourself, and don't feel bad.

Something is wrong with these mothers you hang with. Are they just culturally barren? Do they never take their kids to plays or shows?

You aren't the one who is different, C.. THEY are. The one who made fun of you? I wouldn't have play dates with her anymore. That is not someone I would want to spend time with.

Really, stop worrying about being pretentious. I have a ton of friends who tell where they went the night before, whether it was to a basketball game or a football game, an opera, a restaurant, wherever! I never think they are throwing their good fortune around. They are just talking on FB. And if you really think these women think that about you on FB, quietly defriend them. If they would think like that about you, they aren't your friends.

I really mean this, C.. Do NOT mask your interests. You don't have a different "lifestyle" because you take your son to cultural events. If you get "comments" from someone, they are being mean to you and you shouldn't bother to include them in your communication circle. Take them off your FB and don't talk to them about your lives.

Dawn

Kids are all so different - some kids will sit quietly and watch with great enjoyment the ballet or a symphony. My son needed to be in motion all of the time so it would never have worked for us. We took him to Children's museums where he could climb and play or to playgrounds. when we visited new cities we had to plan into the day time in a park or green area where he could run across the field, roll around in the grass, etc. Even at age 12 we do so - just a different proportion of park time vs. exhibit / museum time now that he's older.

But I would never be so presumptuous to comment on someone else's family's activities. If another mom comments in a disparaging way I'd use the "Dear Abby" response: and with innocent curiosity ask "why would you say that?" That puts the ball back in their court and now they will have to defned the stupid comment they just made. Chances are they'll shut up - if they don't and say something like "Well I'd never torture my child like that" answer something like: "hmm - I never thought about it that way..." Just acti wide-eyed and innocent and it will make the commenting mom feel silly - becuase she is.

I know what you mean. I can feel the rolled eyes when my husband tells my family how he exposes daughter to ballet etc. Try not to stress over it...if some friends don't appreciate these things, I wouldn't bring them up, but don't feel embarrassed either if you're asked what you did this weekend...just say you went to see the Nutcracker! Sometimes people say that because THEIR kids don't have the attention span and they think YOUR child won't be able to sit through a ballet. Our daughter loves theatre, ballet etc -- anything...and easily will sit through a performance that might have some of her classmates fidgeting. So try not to take the comments as a personal criticism.

You should feel proud and a bit smug ;) that your child likes to do those things because you and your husband are the reason for his wider appreciation of the world. I've raised my girls exactly the same way, they love going to a museum as much as a ballgame and believe me they love their Giants baseball.
Just think what a smarter and more interesting person he will be just because your family has fun doing things that some kids might find boring.
Americans not only underestimate their children by dumbing everything down but they cater to what the kids SAYS he/she wants instead of allowing the whole family to participate in choosing activities that they think they'd all enjoy.
We know families whose entire leisure time is filled up with what the kids say they want to do. Amusement parks, mall shopping, manicures, it's pretty sad. Travel and culture for many has turned into driving to a place similar to where you live to partake in activities that are focused on consumption and materialism.
Your son will grow up to be an interesting and educated young man because of the things you exposed him to all in the name of fun. Be proud of that and talk to people about it. When others put it down just say your family not only enjoys these activities but beleives culture and the arts are part of raising a smart well rounded kid. Anyone who disagrees with that sounds like a fool!

When people negatively comment on my parenting like that I just act like they're making a joke and then I joke right along with them.
"I would never make my son do something so boring!"
"I know right? My poor son is so tortured! *said with a big laugh*"
It might not put them in their place, but it keeps my mood cheery and bright, and hopefully shows my kids how to diffuse situations with stupid people.

Good luck with those Moms!

I LOVE the Nutcracker and so do my kids. I taught a couple ballet dances for our christmas program and in one of my dances had 14 girls and one 7-year old boy. He did great!! He had several of his sisters in the dance. I would ignore ignorant people. People have a habit of putting their foot in their mouths. I don't see what the problems is, especially if he likes it. I was apart of a dance troupe when I was a kid and we had 3 boys in it. One of them was also on the football team at school. He was the best ballet dancer in our studio and the best football player too. People have misconceptions about ballet and art in general. Let them be ignorant and miss out on all the fun. Ignore their comments. They'll come around.

Good for you! Keep up what you are doing.
I used to not tell my family some things. My husband and I worked our butts off to get where we are. Some family members are jealous. If it comes up now I don't hide it nor do I make a point to tell them.
Can't think of a good comeback for you, sorry.

There are several things going on here. One is that you feel people might consider that you are bragging that you have enough money to go to shows. Everyone has SOME discretionary income and they can choose where to spend it. There could be some jealousy, but it's mostly that people spend money on things they enjoy and don't "get it" when friends spend on different things.

Another thing is evident in your comments about your son being "all boy" and enjoying rough and tumble games. There is a perception among some narrow-minded people that, if you like ballet or theater, you must be gay. And furthermore, that there is something wrong with being gay. That's simply not true. Men and boys should be just as free to enjoy a classic performance of "The Nutcracker" or anything else. My neighbor's son just loved dance and theater, and he endured some ridicule. Fortunately, he ignored this and continued his studies and performances. He has incredible talent and confidence. No one's laughing now when he's on an international tour in the chorus of a major musical!

I think you should share your interests with your friends and family. If you post it on Facebook and someone gets offended, think about whether you really want to be Facebook friends with them! Facebook is for staying in touch with people you have something in common with - not for setting yourself up for criticism. Just "un-friend" the people who make rude comments on line. That doesn't mean you can be pleasant when you run into them in person, but you don't need to endure unnecessary criticism that hurts you.

There is a family in our town who put up a massive display of Christmas lights. They brought a lot of joy to many people who drove by, stopped or brought friends to see the lights. They got a threat from one neighbor who felt they were showing off that they could afford the electricity for 2 weeks during a time when others are hurting financially. (And no, the lights were not shining into this neighbor's house or anything.) So there has been an outpouring of support for the people with the lights - they are doing what they enjoy and not hurting anyone.

The same goes for you. Do what you like, and continue to expose your son to all kinds of experiences so that he can make great choices about what he enjoys and not base his decisions on someone else's sarcasm or views or what's boring.

Good for you for helping your little guy to have a well-rounded childhood. If your family and the people around you at these events can all enjoy themselves, you're doing fine.

"The problem is some of the other mothers I know sort of make fun of me or my son!"

That, in itself, can be a problem. The women in our moms group all tease each other (gently), but not the kids, and not in front of the child at all. We are all too aware that cutting comments do hurt, and as adults, we are expected to be mature enough to filter our comments or opinions. When we are out for drinks, however, we do kid each other a bit more often, but if there are serious issues with the kids, everyone works hard to be considerate of the mother's feelings and tries (usually) to be constructive.

If you feel that this group of mothers is overall otherwise supportive and accepting of you (and of each other), then I'd try to focus conversations on things you have more in common. If, however, you feel that the group has a tendency to belittle each other or their kids (or if you feel like you specifically are being targeted or there's a Queen Bee dynamic going on), then perhaps it's time to look elsewhere for friendships.

For what it's worth, I sometimes censor myself only because I know that the person I'm talking to isn't going to "get it". One example would be what we've watched as a family (self, husband, 4.5 year old son) over the last few days-- a late 90's King Crimson concert and a documentary on a man who went to live in the woods on his own and built his own log cabin. WE (our family) think that sort of stuff is cool and fascinating, but it's not for everyone! :) So, just be thoughtful about what you tell to whom-- and if you are dealing with the Friends Without a Filter, remember that this is who they are-- people who don't particularly care about the feelings of others. It's up to you to decide how much time you want to spend with them.

I know we have a strange family so comments really don't bother me. Really though I don't get enough comments to ever have considered them.

Thing is with the Nutcracker I may have made the same comment, sarcastically. The comment doesn't mean they think anything is wrong with what you are doing, it means their kid would never go for that. In some ways it is being impressed that your son can enjoy something like that at a young age. Perhaps you are getting upset because you are reading too much into their comments.

Ya know I didn't even see the boring part. Nah, I would not have said boring, I love ballets, my kids just had to be around 16 before they can sit through them. Heck they can't sit through anything that is more than an hour and twenty minutes long. Ya know, the average length of a movie. Heck they were over five before they could do that. :(

When my son took dance classes I got a lot of comments about how I was turning him gay! I think that children that are exposed to a variety of things turn out to be more well rounded adults. My son also loves sports and hard play, but he loves to go to the theater for a play as well. Just ignore the haters and think about what a wonderful young man your son is going to be with everything he is being exposed to as a youth!

Sometime I do. I have learned to not defend our way of living for the most part. I take the I do us and you do yall approach.

If someone said something like that to me, I would say something like "Hmm. Have you even tried? How do you know it'd be torture? Your child may have a lot more interests and sides to do him than you know. We think it's best to try a little of everything and let my children make their own decisions on what interests them".
I'd pity the poor close minded parents that wouldn't open doors for their children to try something out before I'd feel weird about what we're doing in my own family.

Negative comments generally come from people that may be a bit envious, it shows their own insecurities.
By sharing your sons likes with others you may be opening the eyes of a few that hadn't thought that their own child may like to do some of those things too.

Wow -are you forced to hang out with ignorant, uncultured airheads? Not every mom or parent couple we hang out with enjoys the exact same things we do, but we all have a mutual respect for one another's interests and cultural opportunities for our kids. My sons are 5 and 3, and I toyed with taking them to the Nutcracker this year. The 5 year old would have loved it, but I don't think my 3 year old is ready yet, so we're holding off until next year. I probably would have said something ugly about wanting to raise my child without a tiny mind, but that's really not helpful! It's up to you if you don't want to mention some of the things you do as a family, but I would keep it up. If someone comments negatively, perhaps you should firmly say something about the fact that there's more to life than Disney movies and monster truck rallies. We love those things too, but there really is a lot more out there to expose your children to! I also don't think it's pretentious since many things don't cost any more than "regular" family fare (art museum admission vs. movie tickets, symphony tickets vs. tickets to the zoo) -at least here in Atlanta those prices are pretty comparable.

Sometimes people spew out negative comments cause they don't really know what else to say. Please don't "mask" your interests. You have either made these moms think heck no would I ever do that or you may have given them something to think about.

Personally I enjoy everything life has to offer. Whether it be ballet, opera, broadway plays, football games, motorcycle riding, gun range etc. A lot of my friends wouldn't be caught dead doing one or all of them but I would never hide my interests. In fact I have had a few friends say that they never even considered doing a, b, or c, which shows that I gave them something to think about :)

We too, like to expose our children to variety. We love plays or going out to fancy dinners. My kids don't order from the kids menu at a fancy seafood restaurant. They love sushi, mussels, crab, calamari etc.

I have too many kids to be able to afford that lifestyle on a consistent basis, but we all enjoy it when we are able to do it.

If you had told me you took your son to the opera I would have said the same thing, however I like ballet, well some of them and The Nutcracker is one I would enjoy. Culture is choice, the person making the comment may have never been to see a ballet or if she did it may have been a boring mature one that is hard for normal people to understand....

I say take him where you want to and let the friends say whatever they want.

Oh, don't sweat it. Stupid comments don't matter. Don't ever limit anything you want to say because you are worried about what people will think or say.

YOU ARE doing the right thing by exposing your kids to the arts. The more arts and theater, the better. She is absolutely wrong about not "torturing" her children. Go you!!!

Let comments like that roll off your back, I know it's not always easy. Just know you're doing a great thing by exposing your son to the arts, and there's nothing wrong at all with talking about it. Different people will have different opinions, the people who you'll most likely end up becoming friendly with will appreciate and understand you.

Why do you care what they say or think? Just ignore them. Show your son strength of character to be an independent person who doesn't follow the herd.

I was really with you, up until your last paragraph of your SWH. You didn't risk sounding snobby, you were. Are you looking down on this other mother because she planned a special event with her daughter that she hopes will be a memorable one? Who cares what the actual event was. If it was something special her daughter asked for and she made it happen, I think that's great. So what if she thinks the ballet is boring? What she thinks shouldn't affect what you do with your family. However, you certainly need to get off your high horse and stop looking down on people because you don't think they're as cultured as you. You're judging her for the special things she does with her family, the same behavior you're complaining about her doing.

You care entirely too much about what other people think about you and your family. I'd hate to see you give up on your beliefs, likes or what's best for your son because of other people's perception or comments. Who cares! The more that you do as a family and the more you expose him too - the smarter he will become and there is nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't worry about other's perception of him if he does like the arts either - he's only a child.

this is right up there with the lady that had someone judge her at the store the other day because her 3 year old son didn't listen to the radio or know the latest pop singer. what is wrong with people???

NO i don't think you should mask or hide your cultural interests! be proud of them! i don't get how people can be so judgmental. just take a cue i suppose, from their attitudes, and make a mental note that those are NOT the people you should be making an effort to be good friends with.

and come here, where we can congratulate you on raising a well rounded, educated young man. there is NOTHING wrong with that. just because some people find something like that "boring" (do they know how ignorant and uncultured that makes them sound? not saying they ARE just that if they are going to throw stones, they may want to listen to how THEY sound to others!) that doesn't mean everyone does - nutcracker would not be so wildly popular if everyone thought that way. it's a classic...so apparently lots of people like it.

what i don't get is not only the judgment (which is bad enough) it's the ignorance that is rampant in THAT particular judgment. don't they realize how that makes them sound?

sorry.

i think we should all be more like you. that's all. do NOT change for others.

Hi C.,

What idiots these women are. I personally think they act like that because they are jealous and wish they were doing cultural things like that with their children. I certainly would not stop talking about things you and your son are doing, but just for fun I might try to turn it around on them. Example, I am taking my son to see the Nutcracker. What are you doing with your children? Put them on the spot and don't be embarassed - be proud. You are taking the time to expose your child to the arts, which most other parents don't do. As a result, your son will be very well-rounded and will also be a great conversationalist because he'll have lots of experiences to talk about! Way to go, mama!!!

people act like that for so many different reasons...jealousy being a big one. if your son enjoys going then take him, it doesnt matter whether or not he is "all boy", lots of people enjoy going to the ballet or to the theater or opera. When the other moms make those comments I would have to call them out on their rudeness with something along the lines of "Well I guess we have just raised our son better than your mother raised you as far as attention span and open mindedness goes". not the snappiest comeback but it is all I can think of at the moment..lol

I guess it comes down to whether or not you post or talk about things TO be pretentious and brag. If the answer is no, then post away!! Not everyone will have the same interests, and if someone makes a rude comment, either ignore them, or tell them that you think that is sad, because their kids will miss out on some great experiences with those kinds of attitudes. We have been lucky enough to live in several different countries and have all kinds of adventures. Yes, there is sacrifice with our lifestyle, as my husband is military and constantly gone, but I NEVER hesitate to share my experiences, because my real friends are truly interested. I know that I look at friends' posts and wish I could share their experiences, but I NEVER begrudge them their own!! If anyone has a problem with your life...forget them...and have a good time. I say bravo!!

I would not worry about what people say or think.

There is nothing wrong with raising an interesting, well rounded child. What's wrong with the Nutcracker? Lots of people have seen it. My kids have been to the opera a couple of times. I don't hold off on commenting on where we go or what we do. It's rude of the other person to to make a sarcastic comment. I bet that really, she is jealous and what she was thinking of was, "I wish my kids were well behaved enough to sit through a performance." If these women are making fun of you, perhaps you want to consider that they are not really your friends. Friends like and accept you for who you are. However, in your last paragraph, I am sorry to say that you sounded exactly like them, looking down on what the other person enjoys. If this is how you feel about each other, and talk about each other, this doesn't really sound like a friendship to me.

I have always taken my children to many different things like this. My oldest son is now 21 and I took him to symphonies, plays,ballets and concerts since before I gave birth to him and have continues with my other 2 as well. All 3 have a deep love and respect for culture and all different types of lifestyle events. I think it is wonderful that you are exposing your child to many things so when he does develope more of his own taste in things, he is truly educated of what he likes and doesnt like. So many people just assume something would be boring abnd never give it a chance. How sad for them and their children to not indulge in the amazing things life has to offer

Envy, just envy. Congratulations on having such a sweet boy!!. Some people, actually many people do not understand other parents raising their children in a different way or simply in a way different to what is supposed to be "normal" or "familiar". What you are doing, guys, it is awesome because you are exposing your child to a more diverse, and interesting world. If the child is able to adapt to the positive things you are exposing him to, it is just wonderful. There is no rule anywhere that says that a little child should be just playing with cars or trains or playmates..You are doing a nice thing....your little one will have a rich world and a rich spirit.
Kudos for you both!