How Do I Respond? - Richardson,TX

See if you can find info about support groups or books for families of kids on the spectrum, especially for grandparents and extended family. She might benefit from talking to other grandparents who can relate. You may be her only "sounding board" because her other friends don't have experience with anything like this; she may need to vent and discuss ideas with others who can understand.

Like someone else said she may need somewhere to focus her energy. You may also suggest she get some of this sorted out with a therapist. A few sessions with someone who knows how to get people on the right track may be what she needs.

My MIL called me last year asking me to do something about my nephews apparent ADD or ADHD or whatever he had. This was her diagnosis and I wasn't quite sure what she wanted me to do...and really!? So I listened and thought to myself, how am I suppose to intervene with this. I thought there was a problem long ago, but no one listened and it caused myself a lot of drama, so why would I try to jump in again.

So after she was done, I asked what she would like me to do and she said I had to find him a doctor that would medicate him because he was out of control. I have been around this kid for years and I don't think he is out of control, but I do think he lacks discipline and attention, along with some learning disabilities. All which is rather late now, because he is 16! But never too late. Anyway, she asked me to find a doctor and talk to her son, my BIL and convince him that he needed to take this kid to the doctor to get medicine. Right! So it struck me that one of the girls in the office had a son with ADD and she loved the doctor. So I put the MIL on hold, got the number and said here you go...you call him and give him the information, good bye.

Just keep telling her, as many times as you need to, that you love every one of your SIL's children, that they are truly gifts in your opinion, and that they will have the best lives your SIL and brother can possibly give them. Every child is an adventure of some sort of other to his/her parents.

Is it possible your MIL has been listening to negative input from people around her? Sometimes what other people say can really be depressing and frightening.

Back when your MIL was young, the typical thought if you had a disabled child was that you SHOULD put them in a facility and try to forget you had them.

Please understand I do not agree with this... but this was a common mindset back then. I did volunteer work at one of these facilities when I was in high school. (I graduated from HS in 1975.)

Also understand that she is mourning the loss of the traditional grandchild relationship, also.......

Maybe you need to shift your thinking. You cant solve any of these problems. You cant stop MIL from worrying, You CAN be (and are) a sympathetic listener, she can't keep saying all this to her daughter, she cant dump her worries on your SIL maybe you are the only one she can really talk to (a lot) about all this. You are helping her so much if you can take the time to listen to her and say non committal things like "OH, it must be so hard for SIL to think about sending --- away" Oh I cant imagine what I would do in her place" "I know you are SO worried about x and y" Dont even think about what you should say or do it's only important that you listen.

I don't know how to perk up grandma but as a mother with an autism spectrum kid does your sister in law get the message she is sending to the other kids by sending one away? If you are imperfect I will send you away, I won't deal with you. Andy has given us more than our share of challenges but not one of my kids would give him up for a "normal" life.

That she even considers that is tragic!

Oh boy this sounds familiar . . . my MIL can take worrying to a whole new level. I can't imagine if she had something that severe to deal with.

My older teen had an emergency appendectomy on Thursday and we couldn't even mention it until it was all over.

I have tried to tell her (in a nice way) that the excessive worrying tends to drive people away because it is exhausting for the person on the receiving end of her anxiety. We all need people to vent to but when it's a one way street it's a problem.

I would try to let her know that you're going to have to talk with her less if she can't get a grip on her anxiety. You've got a young family to raise and you don't need additional anxiety in your life. If there is something concrete that you can do for your SIL then let her know you will do it, otherwise she needs to find another place to express most of her feelings. You are not her therapist nor are you her mom. SHE IS YOUR "MOM." Good moms don't dump on their kids (I have to remind myself of this when I start griping to my kids).

Having been there and done that, I don't hold out much hope for you guys. She probably won't heed your words, and you will have to cut down contact for your own sanity. You don't want to develop hard feelings toward her, and that's what I would tell my husband.

I'm so sorry, and I'm really sorry for your SIL. Bless her heart . . . she doesn't need this either. What she needs is strong, consistent, constructive and positive support.

Good luck.

Have your MIL check out autismspeaks.org and the Easter Seals web site. There is a lot of info about autisim, you simply need to seek it out.

My granddaughter is autistic.

After my mom watched her own mother suffer and die from cancer, long-distance, she volunteered with hospice and found a great deal of satisfaction, even joy in the giving of herself, to those who had a similar need. (Please note, grandma was not alone--she had family and medical help, but my mom wasn't able to be as supportive as she wished, due to living 500+ miles away).

So, maybe directly your MIL to volunteer her time and energy for helping autistic kids, or even kids in general where she is would be a good way for her to share and to feel like she is able to help make the world a better place.

I think she needs a hobby so she can place her focus somewhere else. Maybe, just maybe she can volunteer at one of "those homes" she wants to put her grandson in and get a better idea on what Autism's about - it seems she could maybe use some better hands on education about low functioning vs high functioning and all that.

Hi P.-

I would try to divert your MIL's focus to what SHE CAN do in this situation.

I am assuming she is near your SIL? If so...perhaps encourage her to take the more 'typical' kiddos and do things...Or perhaps...take the one with more 'challenges' one on one for 'adventures'?

Beyond those suggestions...my favorite 'go to' phrase is something along the lines of..."Thank you for sharing that"...and then a quick change of subject toward something more manageable.

That is all I 'got'...

Best luck!
michele/cat

I think her heart is just so broken. I also think she has conflicting emotions.
Love for the kids but sad that it is the way it is. Very hard for her to truly
understand. Not even sure what you can say to her to help her understand.
So sorry you are going thru this.

It's unproductive and unnecessary for you & MIL to be discussing the decision that would need to be made for your SIL.
Just straight up tell your SIL that it really doesn't matter what you OR she thinks, the SIL is the boy's mother and she & her husband are responsible for making those decisions.

If I was your SIL I would be pi$$ed that my mother was talking to everyone about what she thinks I *should* do! Is your SIL aware of this?

Your MIL can choose to be depressed about this but YOU can also choose NOT to get involved. That's what I would choose.

Can your MIL make a POSITIVE impact on her daughter's life or the lives of her grandchildren in some way?

If SIL is in agreement with this, maybe MIL can focus her attention on looking into dietary changes outlined on Pecanbread.com (Specific Carbohydrate Diet) or GAPS.me (GAPs Program) for children with Autism. It's a lot of work, so I wouldn't suggest it to MIL unless SIL is on board with it. SIL might not want to pursue it and MIL may then be upset about that.

There is a yahoogroup for Pecanbread.com where parents talk about their experiences with the diet and how kids with Autism who were non-functioning were eventually able to live a relatively normal life... speaking, etc.

My daughter follows the Specific Carbohydrate Diet for ulcerative colitis (2 years now) so I have seen a lot of posts from parents of children with inflammatory bowel disease and parents of children with Autism who swear by the diet. It's a lot of work but has been a miracle for my daughter who was on the verge of needing her colon removed. I would have loved some help at the start of the diet from someone who could understand what was going on and find recipes, monitor the discussions to look for new ideas/suggestions, ask questions as needed, etc. so I didn't have to be so bogged down as I learned to cook everything from scratch.

It may be a way for MIL to focus her energy in a way that she feels like she's helping. The diet has given me such a level of hope that I hadn't felt in the previous years since my daughter's initial diagnoses (before the age of 2) and it feels very empowering. Maybe MIL needs to feel hope and empowered to help her grandchildren instead of feeling helpless and draining her energy (and yours).

The main SCD site is www.breakingtheviciouscycle.info and there's a book - Breaking the Vicious Cycle by Elaine Gottschall.

Ok, I fully admit that I don't know your MIL; but I have a retired Grandmother that worries herself silly with everyone else's problems
In the family. In short, I think your MIL may be hyperfocusing simply because she needs to connect with both families. Also, she may need more to do in her personal life. Lots of hours spent away from you all makes it easier for her to think, think, think. Maybe accept her suggestions, consider the age, and thank her. Then think like a Parent, and know that As a mom, you and your SIL will
Decide what is best. I would
Think LONG and hard before sending the least functional child away. He needs his family's unconditional love and acceptance. If God allowed this unique thought pattern, this child is that way for God's will and reasons. Good luck; as a parent of 3, I pray more and more daily for help.

Maybe you could say what you said above: that she seems to be letting herself get more depressed about situations than the ones who are living it, assuming she is open to a give-and-take conversation. You could suggest that she mention her level of worry to her doctor, she may need an anti-anxiety medicine if it is not allowing her to think about anything else. My mom is in a totally different situation (serious health issues) and she was just not sleeping and worrying about little things all night long to the point of obsession. She was put on anti-anxiety meds and she is soooo much better. Not sure how you suggest something like that, but she deserves some happiness in her life. Perhaps she also just feels comfortable venting to you since you are not living the situation on a daily basis so you do not know the day-to-day stories. Sometimes just letting things like that out helps relieve some of the tension.
And even though one of the twins is less developed, they still have a relationship. My cousin's child had mental retardation and even though he remained at toddler intelligence all his life, his normal brother had a wonderfully caring and reciprocal relationship with him.
But perhaps the best you can do is listen and let her vent.

Seems to me your MIL is all in a tizzy over something that's not her problem.
She needs to step away from it and find something else for her to focus on.
Perhaps she should volunteer at a seniors center or get a hobby.