How Do I React to My 7-Year Old's Behavior?

I was a good kid, but one time I poked 4 holes in the couch with a fork. I knew it was wrong. I can't explain why I did it. I think I just wanted to see what would happen to the couch. Maybe there was a reason she did it, maybe not.

I agree with Kari F. I suspect something else may be going on since its so out of character for her.

Anyone that has antiques or has sold them (I had my own antique shop for a while) and have kids will tell you this is a hazard they are afraid will happen! I have a lovely piano that belonged to my mother-in-law when my husband was a child. If you look closely you can see where he has done his homework on the lid. It is another generation, our 7 year old is taking music lessons and spending a lot of time at the piano...her name is now pressed into the piano as well! OY. Fortunately the damage is such that you have to look sideways to see it. It actually adds character to an old piece. No antique will stay perfect forever. That being said....
Your daughter probably didn't do it to be mean, she may not have thought about it at all while doing it other than she thought it would be "cool" to have her name carved there. I am sure that she is aware NOW that she did the wrong thing. The damage is done. What you may want to do is sit down with her and talk about how important that piece was to her father and how badly it hurt his feelings. Have her write a one page apology. Once your husband has read it, tuck it in an envelope and put it in the top drawer of the dresser, it will become part of it's history! Will a table runner cover the damage? How bad is it really? Old English makes a polish that has dye in it, if you use that will it fade enough to be come part of the dresser's "character"? If not, then you might want to consult someone who refinishes antiques. It won't be cheap. =/
In the end your child is less replaceable than even an antique...take lots of deep breaths.
P.S. I know some of the posts before this were well intentioned but I would NOT refinish it yourself! There is a strong chance you will permanently damage and devalue the piece if you do. If it holds that much importance to your husband then it is well worth having it professionally fixed.

Hi Catherine, She may be testing limits or just had a monetary loss of reasoning, lol. Why do perfectly good, well mannered children go off the deep end on occasion? I think it is because they are kids and make very poor decisions and mistakes and usually realize right after that they are in big trouble. I have a usually very mild, very polite, extremely well behaved little 7 year old myself. With that being said... Why did he decide to swing on my curtain rod over the picture window? (The only evidence was the plaster in his hair, it did not hold :) He said he was trying to be like spider-man. I may also wonder what possessed him to hang stilts from the ceiling fan in the family room, he was setting a booby trap.

As far as consequences you may need to get creative. My son had to pay for the supplies to repair the curtain rod, plaster, bracts, ect. He also had to help. As far as the fan incident since nothing was destroyed, we had a long talk about safety. We all have to remember that a child's mistake is learning opportunity. That is why they have us to explain bad judgment and teach them at all the opportunities.

At age seven, she still doesn't quite understand the permanance of such an action. She is learning to write and sometimes the urge to write just gets to be too much. And experimenting with writing on a different surface is natural too. I remember we had some sort of a soft coating on an upstairs wall in the old house I grew up in. It was just irresistible to me to write in that surface as I was going up and down the stairwell. My mother didn't do a lot about it probably because that was an area of the house that most people never saw. She did call me on it a few times and let me know she didn't like it. I would try to remember not to do it, but sometimes I just got an urge I couldn't seem to resist.
So my advice is to simply sit down with your daughter and explain why you are so upset over her writing on the dresser. Then you might brainstorm some ideas of acceptable places she might practice her writing.
The next thing is to find a reliable furniture person who might be able to restore the surface of that dresser.
By the way, I lived on a farm and went to an old fashioned one room school. I can't begin to tell you how many places on that farm had my father's initials carved in them... which he had done when he was a boy growing up there. I also sat at desks in the school that had his initials carved in them, and there was even a place on one of the blackboards that announced he had been there too. This is obviously something kids have done for ages, because my dad would be 101 if he was living today.

Catherine,

I suggest having the dresser restored and have her work it off $1.00 at a time, doing chores that are not a part of her regular responsibilities...better yet have her drop ballet until the cost of the repair is covered. I'll guarantee this would be a good life lesson and she will probably never damage anyone else's property.

Your daughter damaged something that was precious to her father...she therefore would benefit in losing something (temporarily) that is precious to her. i.e. dance lessons.

Blessings.....

I have actually never responded to any posts on here, however, as I was reading through your question I could not help thinking about my mother, who has had cancer 3 times and does not sweat the small stuff. Whenever we would visit her and my dad when our youngest was a toddler, he would put his little hands all over the sliding glass door. After about 2 weeks after our visit, she would tell me that she guessed it was time to clean the door. She LOVED to see those little handprints all over the glass. Obviously, this is a bit different than your situation and I am not intending to minimize it either. I agree with several of the posts on how to handle the situation with your daughter. However, if the dresser is going to remain in your family, there may come a day when you look at that carved name in the dresser with fond memories and what a story you"ll have to share someday with your grandchildren.

It sounds like something is up. I have 7 & 11 year old girls who are great, easy & respectful (just like your daughter) if either of them did that at 7 years I would think something is going on psychologically. At 2-4 years it would be understandable but at 7 it sounds like a cry for attention. Maybe lots of punishment isn't the answer. Could you discuss with her the reasons why she may have done it? Maybe she needs a little time to think about it. Is she feealing jealous, frustrated, something going on at school? Some kids internalize their feelings (my oldest is one) and often the really "good" kids hold in negative feelings or don't discuss things that have happened becuase their role is to be a good kid. Girls especially get the message that good girls go with the flow and don't cause trouble. It sounds like she is trying to get your attention big time. All you have to do is figure out why.

Honestly, I don't know what I would do.
Once, one of my boys did something that I had specifically warned against, because I knew he would be tempted. I had carefully explained why he should not, and how it would damage the item...so of course he did it anyway, when I was out of the room. I just sat down and cried out of sheer frustration--knowing that I would never really understand WHY he had those compulsions, and WHY he couldn't just trust me that it was a bad idea.
I found out something awful my husband did as a child (too awful to tell) and when I asked him why, he said he didn't know why he had done it, it just came into his head and he had to do it...
The damage to your furniture is so sad, and I hope that you can communicate this to your daughter.
But...try to make the punishment constructive. Her crime was destructive---so let her be a part of fixing or creating something valuable, and maybe she will get a sense of what it means to damage property that someone cares about...
Your daughter sounds like a wonderful girl, in spite of this strange lapse!

Just wanted to say that I don't think that it necessarily means there is "something" going on with your daughter. My son carved his name into the furniture in his bedroom too. And it was around that same age. The side rails to his bed and the interior of a bedside table drawer both have scrawled capital A's and some letters following that are less clear. I don't know if he did them at the same time or not... they were not discovered at the same time... but close together.

I think it might be more of a stage. I am quite sure that my son and your daughter are not the only "normal" kids out there who have decided to permanently affix their names to something.
I think a nice letter to her dad explaining that she is sorry, etc.. is in order. But I really wouldn't make a HUMONGOUS blow out deal over it.. She obviously feels some remorse now, right? Let her learn from that, and yes, your hubby can behave dissappointed in her. So can you. Just don't "tantrum" over it... and it sounds like you have done an excellent job so far.
Maybe she was trying to exercise some artistic talents she doesn't know how to access. ?

Hey Catherine,

OOoooohhhhhh my gosh. Kudos to you for not absolutely freaking out.

Here is what I would do - although I have all boys and I don't know anything about little girls except that they love nail polish and can cry a lot.

If it were me, and this was my child - I would have him repair it with me. Sandpaper, wood stain, polish - the whole nine yards. Obviously, I'd be doing most of the work, but he would do what he could andhe would watch me do the rest.

#1 - Because he would need to understand how difficult it is to fix what he did, and it will help him see WHY it was such a big deal.

#2 - Because if you mess something up, you should clean it up (to the best of your capabilities, especially at the tiny age of 7.)

#3 - It will give you ample opportunity to talk to her about why she did it. Not in a punishment kind of way - just making conversation. "So... how come you decided to scrape your name here?" ....... "Did you see it in a movie?" ....."Did you see it done somewhere else and think it would be cool to try?"
Discuss, discuss, discuss.

Aside from this, I would take away something special for an allotted amount of time.... a slight 'grounding' if you will. If it were me, I'd take away our movies for the weekend. Movies are a big deal at our house. So for this weekend, he would watch no movies. But thats just an example.

After this is over - again, IF IT WERE ME! : ) ...but after this was all said and done, I'd show him where it was okay to carve his name in things. Like a tree out back, or doing some wood-crafting with dad in the shed.... show her places and ways that it IS appropriate, that way you're not totally squelching her sense of free-spirited creativity. I place a very high value on that in my house. I want my guys to be independent, self reliant, creative, original and uninhibited - but all in appropriate, polite, and respectful ways.

Best of luck to you! I hope you get lots more comments. My favorites are from the Grandma's and the Great-Grandma's because I read all of them! Old-adage advice is sometimes the best kind out there!

Take care.

Hi Catherine,

I just wanted to add that it is quite possible nothing is "up" with your daughter as others mentioned. I was a pretty good, smart kid and one day, around the same age, while at a friends house, I decided it would be a fun idea to make some tiny cuts in the school issued gym shorts we wore for our PE class. I dont' really know why I did it to this day, I guess just to be a little naughty and see if I would get caught.

Although this obviously doesn't exactly pertain to your situation (I mean, it's not like you were going to miss her foot long named scribed out on the dresser, right?) it does show that good kids do stupid things.

I had to do stuff for mom and dad and neighbors to "earn" the money to buy new shorts. In this case perhaps you can set a limit that your child can earn back money to go towards fixing the dresser.

Don't worry, I am sure you still have a fantastic daughter, we all make mistakes!

I am sure she is very embarrassed and remorseful now. 7 year olds don't have the action vs consequences bit down quite yet. If she was my daughter, yes I would be quite upset and I would sit her down after I had calmed down. I would explain why her actions hurt me, and that it was very disrespectful of her to damage someone else's property. Then, I would make her give up something of value to her, say, a dollhouse or a doll, wriiting desk, etc. I would then donate that item to a shelter or daycare center. It would be a lesson well learned, and she would probably never do it again. Once it is over and the talk has been had, and consequences paid, I would not bring it up again.

I would just explain it's not acceptable. It doesn't sound like she was acting out - she just made a mistake. We all do that. Let it go. Be sure to send the message that she's way more important to you than a piece of furniture. And then, treasure your dresser - she has infinitely increased its value!

Your reaction was probably punishment enough. It sounds likes she's a really good girl and so probably already feels really bad. I would ask her how she would feel if one of her friends came over and ruined or broke something that was really important to her. You can then ask her what she would do.

Even though it's a really big deal for you I wouldn't make it a big deal for her. You don't want her to have to carry this around. I would focus on who she is and what a great girl she is and it just came as such a surprise but we all sometimes do things out of character that we don't understand and then I'd move on. If this was a pattern of hers, the situation would be different, but it's not a pattern. It's out of character. The majority of the time she's really good I would just continue to be grateful for that.

I have 3 kids 16, 13 and 10. They also are really good kids. Every once in awhile they've done something out of character and they feel really bad. I don't make a big deal about it because I like to focus on what's right about them. They know by my reaction I'm disappointed, surprised or sad. My experience has been those incidents don't get repeated and they fade away. We're all human. Forgiveness is also an important lesson for them to learn.

You might try to sand down the top and restain it. She could help with that. Just be sure to get some professional advice before you get started to see if it can even be repaired.

I'm not sure, either, on other punishment ideas. Seems like she should lose some sort of privilege like TV viewing for at least a week.

The idea for her to help sand it and restain it is a good one. Though, you would likely have to do the whole thing to make the stain match, but maybe not. This will not only be punishment, but will teach her the consequence of behavior that is done without thinking.

I would maybe have her write a little essay about why we need to respect each others property, or on acting impulsively since to me, that is probably the bigger issue that caused this.

Show her a favorite toy or dress or something and ask how would she feel if you broke it or drew on it?

Whatever you do, handle it with grace and make she she knows you are disappointed and hurt, but also that she knows you have faith in her that she can learn from this experience.

Sounds like you've already done what you should do, which is to talk with her. You might have another talk, but it is important to be in a calm frame of mind when you do. She might have done it impulsively or she might have wanted attention, so giving too much negative attention around this might end up giving you more of the behavior. Reassure her of your love and affection after a gentle talk!

If it can be restored, you can have her contribute to the cost from her allowance money (if you give her an allowance). If you don't give her an allowance, and she doesn't have any of her own spending money, I would make up a chore chart for her to help "earn" the money that is needed for the repair. That would be a natural consequence of destroying property, having to work to repair or replace it. My sister did a little caring into our piano when she was about that age. My mom was mad, but we just covered that area with piano music. I don't remember if she was really punished. Maybe if it can't be fixed, your dd could buy or earn some kind of antique or lace runner or item that would cover her name up.

Wow... that's a rough start to the morning!
I can only imagine how upset you all must be. Try to remember that while you little girl probably knows that what she did was wrong, she most likely doesn't understand the sentimental and financial value of the dresser.
It sounds like she was after something by her actions... either seeking extra attention or wanting to be important for something outside of the usual. It sounds like you all give her lots of attention, love, and support, so maybe she's just got a little something bugging her that she doesn't know exactly how to express. Encourage her to really think about why she chose to scratch her name into the dresser and maybe ask her what she thought you would think when you saw it.
I guess I always try to relate the punishment to the intent of the misdeed. Couple that with the financial lesson and you will have it well covered. I agree with the posters who said to give her a chance to "pay back" the cost of the repairs, and then explain why the dresser means so much to Daddy. Her conscience will teach her a lot.
Good luck!
Christi

I would make her dust. Alot. FOr a long time. ??? I have no idea.

Just talking with her about how old and important that furniture is to your husband may be punishment enough. She will not be able to fix the specific problem. If you feel she needs to serve a punishment, maybe have her help remove gaffitti somewhere or sand the garden tools so she sees how much work will need to be done to restore the dresser. As for getting it restored, I wouldn't do it right away. I imagine you are not going to sell it and wil be keeping it in the family. I guess she should inherit that dresser and when she is an adult she can pay to have it restored if she wishes. Leave the name on there as a reminder for her to think before she acts.

I took all of my blue green and purple crayons and colored the slate floor and river rock fireplace that my dad built himself...I think I was 4. Got the beating of my life and was made to help clean it off - continually asked "WHY??!!" It seemed like a good idea at the time - my mom's sofa was guess what colors? green, blue and purple and she always bitched that the floor didn't go with the rest of the room. The floor looked so pretty I decided to make the fireplace match. I studied interior design in college BTW.
I think expressing honestly that Daddy is SAD because she scratched his Grandma's chest will go a long way to getting her to understand what she did. We tell our son CONSTANTLY to stop & think before he does something - what will it do to the person this belongs to?
Also - there's a great product called "Restore-A-Finish" that can really help mask the scratches - you'll need .0000 steel wool, rubber gloves and maybe DD can help.

Wow! I can imagine how heartsick you are, especially since this is so out of character for her. I remember carving my name in my parents fence. Boy did I get a whooping! I think I would see if I can find a furniture repair person who might be able to fix it. If so, make her pay for the repair out of her allowance or, if she doesn't get an allowance, by doing extra chores. I'm sure she didn't realize how truly special this piece was to you and I'm just as sure that she's feeling pretty bad already, especially since she's such a good girl.

When my sister was around that age closer to 9, many years ago she carved her initials in my mothers Art Decco highly lacquered console table. My mom was out of her mind and as this was 30 something years ago not so intouch with kids feelings as moms can be now. My sister was the golden child could never do wrong and if anyone was gonna be the carver in the family it would be me, as living up to perfect older sister was tough. We shared a BR at the time and since she was sent there for punishment I asked her why did she do it? She said it is so hard to be soooo perfect all the time, and mom and dad expected so much from her all A's, All sports, perfect piano player etc, she couldn't take it. She said now I am not "so perfect" and maybe they will see that and hopefully leave me alone for awhile. Maybe your DD is acting out for that or something that is currently go on in her world that she can not express.

Hi Catherine,

It's still a nice piece of furniture, that is now personalized. =)

What is done is done, please have a brief conversation with your daughter and calmly let her know that what she did was not OK.

Let it go, enroll her in a craft / wood working class and facilitate an appropriate outlet for her to express herself with her writing.

Please Have a follow up brief conversation about feelings when you and your husband are not so upset about the dresser, I agree with the other mom who mentioned to convey to your daughter that *she* is more important to you both than the DRESSER.

She is just a child and entitled to her mistakes inspite of her good behavior record. Please let it go.

Hope this helps.

N.

Oh, I'm sorry that happened. I bet your daughter already feels terrible about it - I would keep that in mind while you decide on the punishment. I like the ideas others have suggested about doing something constructive, like helping remove graffiti.

It's not quite the same, but I'm reminded of a time when I was a kid and my family and my friend's family went out to dinner together. When my friend and I went to the restroom, we threw wadded-up wet toilet paper up in the air, making it stick on the ceiling. We were absolutely fascinated with how they would just stick up there and although I think I probably knew in the back of my mind that it wasn't right, I didn't realize how disrespectful we were being. Anyways, our parents were very upset with us and my mom took me aside and said she was very disappointed in me and explained that the restaurant owner, who loves his restaurant and works very hard to keep it nice so that we could eat there, would have to work extra hard now to clean up the ceiling. I know there was some kind of punishment once I got home, but what I really remember even to this day is how awful I felt after my mom talked to me.

perhapes she thinks it's her's now ?

Oh my heart goes out to you. Our youngest child of three carved into the kitchen table his name when he was exactly that age. He also does very well in school and is well behaved. What was he thinking? I don't know. I feel as if this is an impulsive action. As children they do not value furniture like we do. It has no monetary value to them.. So, I don't feel as if there was any ill intent. We just talked to him and expressed our disappointed.

I think your intial reaction was punishment enough. I would contact a furniture dealer and see what can be done to fix this flaw. (Or you could leave the ingraving in the piece and the story could be told and enjoyed when she is a lot older).