She lives with us 50% of the time. (Her mother is impossible sadly. I'm not a textbook jealous step mom and I don't hate my stepdaughter, Hubby and I have tried to work together with her mom in a respectful way for years, her mother is just unwilling.) She also feeds her terribly, is overweight herself , an alchoholic, a prescription pill abuser and a shopoholic. Instead of helping her, she just makes excuses for her. Always blaming it on poor health. At one point was giving her "probiotics" because she said her daughter had stomach issues. Daughter never had those *issues* here, so her Dad and I realized it was what she was eating there. We talk about portion sizes (although we tread lightly as we don't want to CAUSE any eating disorders or add to her blossoming self esteem issues), "listening to your belly", having a "regular amount" of yummy foods as treats, how important it is to eat healthy, AND we eat on a set schedule. (aka 3 good meals a day and snack at a certain time ~ this has helped immensely bc daughter is no longer obsessed about when we are eating next. (her mom is very unstructured and we realized it kept daughter obsessed with food, worrying about mealtimes).. Our only real problems are when she comes from Moms house (she feels sick sometimes the first night she's here, or when there's a get together/birthday party/ pool side cookout, etc...she ends up throwing up. We try to pay attention and ask her to "listen to her belly" but we have a 2 year old and a 4 year old...we can't watch her every minute. She's 10 now and we feel like she should have stopped this by now? (ps we deal with food allergies with our 4 year old, I know the signs and symptoms, I don't think that's it.)
We went to a labor day picnic, had a great time, but then she came home and vomited ALL OVER the bathroom. I try to be understanding,but it seems predictable at this point. She has no self control and no "full button". She's also sneaky and blames it on her mom and/or us (Ex: we have a code word "cupcake" and she said to me last night "if only you'd said our code word, I wouldn't have gotten sick." I tell her it's time to know better, I can help, but I can't do it FOR you...
I have to agree with Gamma, she has developed this disorder likely from her other home. She will never recover without a lot of support and not just support from one home.
Dad may have to request custody to regain her health.
So, I recognize some things in her. My own daughter doesn't understand when she is full, and her body doesn't seem to recognize it unless she eats too much and is sick. She works with both a Counselor and an Occupational Therapist who specializes in Sensory Processing Disorder. Not recognizing when you are full is generally an SPD. I would get her set up with both and a nutritionist also, but there is a lot going on here and you do need professional help! Good for you for helping her though. Just remember you have to work over 2x as long and hard since you are only working with her half time.
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So, I recognize some things in her. My own daughter doesn't understand when she is full, and her body doesn't seem to recognize it unless she eats too much and is sick. She works with both a Counselor and an Occupational Therapist who specializes in Sensory Processing Disorder. Not recognizing when you are full is generally an SPD. I would get her set up with both and a nutritionist also, but there is a lot going on here and you do need professional help! Good for you for helping her though. Just remember you have to work over 2x as long and hard since you are only working with her half time.
She has an eating disorder as well as other mental health issues that need to be addressed by a professional.
Please get a referral from your pediatrician, school counselor or insurance to get her help. You have done a great job providing support and structure but it is beyond your control.
Please get her some help.
You do realize she already has an eating disorder if she's eating to the point she is puking? She needs therapy and you aren't going to be able to handle this one without mom being on board. If she is just unwilling them perhaps dad and mom need to sit down in court and rehash the custody agreement.
I think the eating/vomiting is a symptom of a bigger problem.
If you try dealing with the symptom without dealing with the cause you're not going to get a resolution.
At this point, I think she has an eating disorder - she's binge-ing and purging.
Eating disorders are rarely about the food - they are about control.
It's not good for her teeth, her esophagus or her electrolyte balance.
If this goes on long enough she could end up with some life threatening issues.
Please have a doctor evaluate her and I think she could use some therapy/psychiatric care.
When her head is in a good place, the eating/vomiting issues should be resolved.
I think you should have her see a child psychiatrist once a week for a counseling session. Look for someone (I would choose a female) that specializes in eating disorders, stress, and anxiety. Our son has issues (totally different but also related to anxiety) and his therapist is amazing and has helped him so much. He is 11 and started seeing someone when he was 10. I strongly recommend you do this for your step daughter. My son did not want to go at first and I talked to him about how lots of people will see a therapist for a while to try to be the best person they can be. I told him I have done it in the past. He was worried about other kids finding out and we assured him no one will know. I am very careful not to mention it to any of his friend's parents. He actually really enjoys going and has become good friends with his therapist. I think this will help your step daughter a lot...none of this is her fault and that is a lot on a kid's plate to deal with. The therapist will give her lots of tools in life for dealing with stress and anxiety as well as a safe outlet to talk about things that bother her.
She needs professional help and a lot of love.
Sounds like it's time to get her some therapy. Since it seems pretty clear this is something her mom won't do then you and dad can set up the appointments during the weeks she's with you. Call her pediatrician for some referrals, your husband's insurance should cover it (after a deductible probably.)
When it comes to food/control issues, things can escalate quickly, especially in girls this age, so get some professional help NOW, before it gets worse!
Your step daughter is 10, not 20. While I agree she should be able to regulate herself, she just doesn't have the tools, knowledge or experience. You may "feel like she should have stopped this by now" but she is a child and a child without the proper tools. You may be giving her all the right tools but if Mom isn't helping, it doesn't matter what tools you give. Again, she is a child and you can't expect her to behave like an adult.
She already has an eating disorder. She needs professional help. I also think a visit with a nutritionist would be in order as well. This needs to come from professionals not you. You need to back off. She could be doing this out of anxiety. Binging and purging is about control. She could feel like this is the only thing in her environment she has control over. She needs to learn proper nutrition from a professional. She needs a safe place to go to talk about her food and how she uses food as a release.
eating to the point of vomiting is serious.
if her health is being affected to this degree, it's time to fight for custody. i don't see how this can be fixed if she's living with someone who is encouraging this degree of ill-health.
and yeah, it does sound as if the poor girl is stuck in a pretty nasty tug-of-war. perfect scenario for a lifelong eating disorder.
get her psychological counseling today, and get custody if you possibly can.
khairete
S.
Sounds like she has an array of problems, eating disorder, stress, anxiety, poor self image, etc..
I am sure it's not helping for you and her dad to be putting more pressure on her about what and how much she eats, she is only 10 and still a child and shouldn't be criticized.
She needs counseling and maybe family counseling so you can all be on the same page. She needs help not criticism, anger or punishment.
Also, as a step parent myself. Please don't speak badly about her mom in front of her ever. Kids hear everything and usually understand on some level that you are putting down her mom (even if she is a bad mom). This hurts kids the most and most people don't realize they do it.
Oh man...this sounds to me beyond normal parental guidance stuff...I feel like she needs professional help at this point. This is just beyond normal overeating. Sorry you're going through this. Dad needs to get her into counseling. ASAP.
PS, I don't see this as something you're causing. I really don't. I don't hear any anger in your tone (although I didn't go back and read past posts so I could be wrong). I think your question is totally legitimate- the child eats till she pukes, that's not normal - and I believe you're trying to help. Good luck.
I would take her to the pediatrician to have a talk about diet and portions and find out if this is actually symptomatic of an eating disorder (bingeing) as much as anything else. If she needs mental healthcare to make better choices, please encourage your DH to take the steps necessary to get her the help she needs. It is not normal for a child of 10 to throw up all the time or binge til she needs to, or have to be told to stop eating. Someone also mentioned sensory processing disorders.
Who cleans up? I would have her do so.
FWIW, the first response is a head scratcher to me. I don't see this post that way at all.
Lots of great answers below. So it looks like you need some professional help. Mom won't be of any help so a really good start is the school psychologist. Have your hubby call and make an appt by phone or in person and relay the info. The school psychologist will help to steer you in the right direction and continue the path. Plus s/he can establish and force the mother into the conversation. Best of luck!
My son is 10 and around age 8-9 he started having trouble regulating his intake as well. Never to the point of vomiting, but he'd be pretty uncomfortable. Before an event or even pizza dinner, I remind him each time what the limit is. In his case, he's a pleaser, so he doesn't eat more than he should. Before a birthday party I remind him to only have 1 piece of cake for example and if they offer more, he should say no thank you. He's been much better about what he eats lately and seems to be outgrowing this phase slowly. What happens if you give her concrete limits?
My kids will be sick if they eat too many sweets or rich foods. Is this regular food?
You mention get togethers, birthday parties, etc. One of mine can't eat typical "fun" food without getting a tummy upset. He's also lactose intolerant. I'm not sure if that makes it worse, but he's sick after almost any party.
I was same way.
Has she been tested for food intolerances or allergies, etc? It would be horrible if that was partly to blame.
The only other thing I can think of off the bat is to give her a tall glass of water before mealtime. It will fill up her belly. It makes it harder to overeat - and make sure she eats slowly. But don't make a big issue of it. It will cause food problems later.
I still have to tell my kids to go easy on party food, etc. And they are teens. Part of that is just being a parent - you should see mine hoover Halloween candy. That's why I oversee it.
Sounds like you want to be helpful and no one likes seeing a child be sick. Can your husband mention it to her doctor if it doesn't improve?
Good luck :)
