How Do I Get My Kids to Do Chores?

Jane Nelsen has a book called "Chores without Wars". You can look it up on amazon, among other places.

My kids love our chart. It is on the calendar so they see it every day.
THis is how we do it.
I have four kids. Each one picks a color marker. There are three day chores that need done every day then one off day. Cat duties, dog duties, kitchen and an off day. WE have a rotating schedule.
It goes Cat, Dog, Kithcen, off
On cat day I put a pink C on the calendar for my 12 year old. THen the next day is a pink D for dog, and then a pink K kitchen. The fourth day is a day off.
My three others get different colors and while one is on cat another is on dog and kitch, etc.
Cat person feeds and waters and scoops litterbox
Dog person feeds, waters and scoops piles in back yard
Kithcen person, dishes, wash and dried and load dishwasher
Off day is just that.
On Saturday they have two rooms to do.
Cat person does the bathrooms along with cat duties.
Dog person gets the foyer and the dining room and dog duties.'
Kitchen person gets the kitchen and the computer area.
Off person gets the tv room and the piano room.
Duties include dusting, sweeping/vacuuming, piking up and putting away all the "droppings", bathrooms include sinks, toilets, floors.
We have chore day every Saturday morning where the house gets a good cleanng.
If I need a room cleaned during the week, say a bathroom, cat person does that.
We have used this system for 9 years. I started when my oldest was about 12 and the baby was still an infant. I put the little guy in a room to "help" a sister until he was probably 5. He is now 9 and can pretty much do all the chores, in fact he gets things cleaner than my 14 year old at times.
I do not reward my kids for cleaning their own messes in the house. I can't remember allowances anyway. So they do it to have a clean house and not be embarrassed when friends come over. Also when the house is clean we get to do more fun things.
This system has worked so well that this month I haven't done the calendar yet and they have figured out who is on what even without the markings. I have a foreign exchange student who has jumped right in and done her part and my 21 year old will take chores when he is home on leave from the Navy.
It does take a few minutes to fill out the calendar but there is no fighting over who does what we just look at the calendar and see whose color is C or D or whatever.

Hi~
Here is information from an excellent handout I have titled “Expecting Your Child To Do Chores-Should You or Shouldn’t You?” (by Marty Rossmann, Professor Emeritus, Family Education Program, College of education and Human Development, University of Minnesota) ….

“Household tasks build the vocational skills needed later in life to be successful in a work environment. One of the top seven reasons named as a reason for the dissolution of marriage is conflict over household tasks. Current research tells us that the key to success in later life is participation in household tasks beginning at ages three to four years. The older the child is when you begin expecting them to participate in household tasks, the more resentful they are about doing them.

What parents need to know about teaching a task?
􀂾 Learning the task will take considerable time.
􀂾 Decide exactly what needs to be done.
􀂾 Divide tasks in manageable steps and size – “Hang up the clothes you wore today” rather than “clean your room”.
􀂾 Introduce the task using the child’s particular learning style:
* Describe the big picture
* Start on the first step with no overview
* Give a demonstration showing the child how to do the task
* Write out the steps to accomplish the task
* Leave the child alone/Stay with the child to supervise
* Expect to have to repeat the instruction
􀂾 Communicate requests clearly and succinctly, trying not to give a lecture (say “wet towels on chair!”)
􀂾 Develop reminder systems: Charts, Plans for someone to remind the child, link the task to associations, such as do the task before you leave for soccer.
􀂾 Give appropriate rewards - Say thing like “Thanks”, “Well done”, “I’m grateful to you”, “You’re really helping this family”.
􀂾 Give lots of hugs and kisses-the best reward is affection.
􀂾 Provide supervision: Don’t hover, don’t help too much after initial instruction
􀂾 Give appropriate negative feedback along with sufficient encouragement
Say “the bed looks ok. Next time, be sure the sheet is pulled up before pulling up the spread”

Twenty ways to get a reluctant child involved:
􀀹 Understand the capability of the individual child: allow for differences among children in the family.
􀀹 Begin early: By two most children can, with help, pick up toys, take off their clothes and put in hamper.
􀀹 Get all family members involved: parents share tasks with kids, model how to do the work, provide company to make the tasks more enjoyable. All members in the family should be assigned tasks.
􀀹 Offer encouragement: thanks, hugs, and pats on the back. Use check lists, stickers, and charts. Intermittent rewards are best, the goal is for intrinsic rewards (coming from within the child) to take over.
􀀹 Communicate a lot about the reasons for being involved in the work of the family. Ask rather than demand and give reasons.
􀀹 Make gender-free assignments: Garbage and dishes can be done by either boys or girls.
􀀹 Establish realistic standards for the job: Perfection in towel folding may not be necessary for family functioning; consider if standards are being set by what others will think or to fit your family.
􀀹 Use common sense about the number of tasks expected of each child.
􀀹 Ask for volunteers and rotate jobs; vary the tasks to avoid boredom or getting stuck with an unpleasant job.
􀀹 Set an appropriate time, with the child’s input, for the work to be done; routines help everyone to know what to expect.
􀀹 Consider having children who can read and write compete a weekly contract that says what they plan to do and when the task will be completed.
􀀹 Avoid blaming or labeling: saying you inherited your slob tendencies from you father, doesn’t get the job done.
􀀹 Use humor: Are you leaving your clothes to be picked up by the clever invisible elf?”
􀀹 Set rules for the shared spaces in the home: All homework must be picked up by bedtime or they’ll be tossed.
􀀹 The child’s room is their sanctuary, within reason: General room cleaning weekly, no food in room.
􀀹 Make a place for as many things as possible: Label shelves, boxes and drawers so everything has a place.
􀀹 Don’t give in to bribery and inevitable bargaining.
􀀹 Don’t argue, refrain from confrontations. Explain the consequence and walk away.
􀀹 Avoid tying allowances to household tasks: everyone has to pitch in for family functioning, parents don’t get paid for tasks, allowances are important for learning money management, consider extra pay for some jobs.
􀀹 Don’t despair if the child backslides-all children go through periods when self-preoccupation is intense.

Principles of parent-child relationships that apply to household tasks:
• Children have rights and parents have rights too.
• One of parents’ most important goals is to teach their children to be responsible.
• Children learn a lot about responsibility by watching their parents and modeling their behavior.
• Parent-child relationships are reciprocal-if a parents respects the child, the child respects parent.
• The ability to participate in household tasks increases with the age of the child.
• To achieve eventual independence, all children need to know how to run a household.
• Convey respect by allowing children choices about which jobs they would like to do and how tasks should be done-but they can’t choose to opt out of household tasks.
• Consequences should follow logically, and should, if possible, be identified by the child.
• Try not to do anything for the child that they child can do for themselves!!!!!

Appropriate tasks for children at various age groups:
Ages Four-Five:
* Put dishes in dishwasher
* care of pets with help
* plan one family meal a week with help
* dust the family/living room furniture
* sort clothes for laundry with help
* water indoor plants with help
* clean sink and tub after using

Ages Five-Seven:
* Remove dishes from dishwasher and put away
* cook simple meals using microwave
* fully responsible for care of pets
* wash and dry clothes with help
* fold laundered clothes and put away with help
* make a grocery list for one meal with help
* manage a small weekly allowance (% to save, spend, and give)
* vacuum the family/living room area
* take out the trash
* fully responsible for watering indoor plants
* clean their bedroom (put away things where they belong, dust, vacuum)

Ages Seven-Ten:
* Cook simple meals using the range and oven
* make a grocery list for family meals for one week
* simple home repairs (cleaning sink drains)
* family laundry
* clean the bathroom
* recycle cans/ bottles/newspapers
* Answer phone/take messages
* help with yard work
* write thank you notes for gifts
* clip and use coupons
* shop for clothes with help
* help to clean the car
* help to paint their own room
* prepare own school lunch
* care for their own bike

Good Luck!

I'm like you, I started with these reward systems and charts and they just became a big hassle! I spent more time trying to add up stickers or points, and then remembering to give the reward. And they never worked for very long either, eventually my SD got tired of "ice cream night" and such.

So, I made a notebook for her listing her routines and chores for each day (I have one for myself and it helps me stay on track). I keep everything the same, clean bathroom on Wednesdays, Vacuum room on Thursdays, change sheets on Fridays, etc. It gives her some predict on the chores and she also doesn't have to do them all in one day.

Each day has it's own page, starting with "get up, take shower" and ending with "get ready for bed." The paper is in one of those plastic protector sheets and in a notebook. She has a wet erase marker and she crosses off each thing as she does it. At the end of the week we wipe off the marker and she can use it for the next week!

It has worked like a charm and she's only 8! She loves the independence, and I love not having to do a sticker chart!

I don't do rewards based on her chores, she just has to do them before she can play or do anything fun. If her chores are not done, she's not playing. Very simple.

We do have the House Fairy (google her) that magically comes and leaves a surprise if her room is clean. I do about one surprise per week (just a dollar item like pencils or hair ribbons) and I get them all at Target in the dollar aisles. It's on a random day, so no having to remember. And sometimes the House Fairy is busy and she doesn't come every week.

No need for elaborate point systems or charts. Just a simple notebook (it takes a little bit to create it but once you've done it you're done!) and a wet-erase marker!

We don't pay for chores, as no one pays me for chores! We do them because we are members of the family. My SD also sees me crossing off things on my list and she does her chores when I do mine. I put on fun music! So by setting a good example, she is learning to follow it that, rather than the money trail!

Good luck!

My son is four. It is his responsibility to pick up his bathroom (not clean or scrub, just pick up clothes and trash that sort of thing), keep his room tidy, and clear the plates after dinner (we do the larger serving dishes). We have a magnetized chore chart by Melissa and Doug. When he does his chore he gets a magnet (and we have to keep the magnets out of reach so he doesn't help along his chart :) ). He gets a variety of rewards for his chore chart and here is how we make it work for us...he earns things that we are going to eventually do anyway. It gives hims a goal and ownership, we keep money out of his side of the equation and we spend money on stuff we would be buying anyway. Of course this will change a bit when his sister gets older and we have two of them working in our house. For example - he outgrew his bicycle, so he had to earn a new one. We want to go camping this summer, he is earning that trip now. He has asked that his next reward be that he gets to pick dinner every night one week. I told him I wouldn't do that, but he could pick our meals for Fridays for a whole month. We like to go to a local drive in theater in the summers...he will be earning that for us as well. Home movie nights are an option, family picnic at his favorite park, sleepover (with his cousin). He is very good at keeping us on task and marking his chart...after he earned his bike he could see that it was possible to do. He has to get 14 magnets, so it usually takes about 3 weeks to get all of them...he doesn't do a chore here or there, or we aren't home, etc. Eventually we will start phasing out the rewards...it will just be his part to do in our family. We have started explaining to him now that we all have to do our part when he is doing a chore that is not on his chart. He does a pretty good job of doing his part without complaint.

Wow I wish I had Margie and SB around when I was trying to get MY girls to attend to chores years ago!!) My "baby" is now 26 and we have an empty nest so it is no longer an issue here). My only suggestion would be to use this as an opportunity to teach responsiblity and working in harmony. You are all a family so there shouldn't be an "I will only do this if I get paid" attitude. No one pays YOU to cook dinner or do the laundry or pays your husband to mow the yard!!! You all just do what needs to be done to keep the family working smoothly and the home looking nice.
Unfortunately you HAVE waited a long time to start enforcing the idea of chores and you are going to face some resistance. Stay,calm, stay consistent and don't argue with them...just let them know this is the way it is going to be!!
Good luck

we have a unique system for our kids who are 7 and 10. Back in Sept we got frustrated with them asking for things, but they had a point that they had no money of their own. So we came up with this solution - we pay the kids a dollar a day. We don't hand them cash because we want veto power and we don't believe that you should have cash, but use ... See Morethe money you have wisely - so we write the amount on a dry erase board and that is their "bank". BUT the flip side of this is that they can never ask for anything again unless it's using their own money to pay for it.
Another facet of our plan was their chore list got more complex and had fines attached. For every thing they don't do right they get fined a quarter. For instance one of their jobs is picking up the garbage in the yard. For every single piece of garbage I find after they say they are done with their jobs they lose a quarter, so they could lose lots more then their dollar for the day. Refusal to do their jobs is a $5 fine.

Yes, it is a little late but certainly not too late. It will be a battle of wills. You will have to be consistent but flexible. And you are correct you don’t want to raise children who become adults and don’t know how to manage themselves, their money or their environment.

My daughter (who is now 26) always had an inclination to keep things straighten. Her brother (now 22) didn’t. And of course the husband….well I always thought his mother didn’t raise him right…meaning he didn’t know how to do laundry, dishwasher and was gracious enough to “help me”….help me!

I vowed I would raise a son that would understand as a husband he didn’t “help” his wife with chores…they were both equally responsible. Without giving myself a pat on the back I achieved my goal.

First, I didn’t reward for doing chores. As others said, it is the responsibility of being part of the family. I don’t get paid for doing chores.

Second, I rarely raised my voice, I might remind but never yelled, just said no you can’t go….or do….until your chores are done. The flexible part is sometimes when it was an unexpected opportunity I would let them go without chores being done. They would do them on their return…if they didn’t I wasn’t flexible the next time. They learned.

Of course your two oldest can do anything, there really are no limits as to what they can do. The 8 year old you will need to help and be more selective.

Everyone should make their own bed and keep their own room “picked-up” It is their space, so don’t be too hard on it but set some standard. If it is too much for you to handle just shut the door.

If they have their own bathrooms, they should keep them clean. My two children shared a bath room and they worked out the cleaning schedule. If it wasn’t clean neither of them did anything until THEY worked it out. What you have to watch for is putting on a black and white shirt and becoming the referee. You are only worried about the outcome….let your two oldest work out the process.

During the school year, for the most part, chores were done over the weekend. Like most homes with 2 working parents. I would write a reasonable list and before they did anything else chores had to be complete. (Empty dishwasher, sweep or vacuum floors, dust, take out trash, shake rugs. Then there might be one larger chore to do, i.e. wash sliding glass door or wip off ceiling fan blades.)

If I cooked, children and dad cleaned, If they cooked, I cleaned. They cooked at least once a week.

During the summer before I left for work I would leave a reasonable list for each of them to accomplish. Reasonable is the key. It just had to be done before I got home and I didn’t leave a list everyday.

Now I also had my kids do their own laundry. It started young and we did it together, it was fun then. But by they were in Jr. High they were completely doing their own laundry. I still did bed sheets...other wise that would never get done. This laundry thing was a tough one. But because I taught first it worked. What I discovered is things that hit the floor clean and then thrown in the laundry basket clean didn’t happen anymore. Jeans and sometimes shirts were hung back up or thrown over the back of a chair and worn again. Money was saved. But you can't do their laundry even once. Just shut their bed room door...dont' look. Yes, at first they will wear things dirty. Let it go....remember the goal. They will learn. Now when I was doing a load of jeans I would ask if anyone else had jeans to wash…you should have seen them run to get their. They apprciated, they learned to do the same. I even had my husband doing his own laundry…he was harder than the kids to train and I had to let the piles of clothes grow enormous sometimes…..but you must be consistent. Think long term.

As they got older, I didn’t need to leave lists or have charts they just did. I come home from work and the dishwasher was emptied. My son cuts the grass without being asked. The trash gets taken out. Now I do these same chores also. I take my part and turn too. They have learned what it means to be a part of a family, and both of my children will make good spouses someday.

But what you also need to remember is you need to also teach money management. Until my children could work I did give them spending money each month. I got paid once a month. It was made clear it was not for chores. And once they could work it wouldn't happen.

They had to learn to save up for something they wanted. I didn’t buy for them. If we would go to the store and they wanted something I would make them get into their own money. If they wanted to go to the movies or rent a movie, video game it was their money. They became very careful on how they spent their money. Now it doesn’t mean I didn’t treat them sometimes. I did. But they really appreciated it when I did.

With their money I made them save to their savings account 20% and for us they tithed 10%. I wanted to teach savings and being a philanthropist.

So I gave them $60 a month….$12 to savings, $6 to giving to others, and $42 for anything that wasn’t immoral or illegal. That might sound like a lot…but remember I didn’t buy the candy bar, the tickets to the movies the stupid toy that would break in a week.All that really adds up. It actually became more cost effective for me. I had to keep my mouth shut sometimes at foolish purchases. I had to say no when they begged for something, but they learned.

They both continued doing the 20% and 10% after they had jobs. I wish someone would have taught me this when I was young.

One more thing, when they began to drive, each month I would fill their car up with one tank of gas (no asking for gas money all month) But what this allowed for me is when I asked them to go to the store, pick up your brother from ball practice, do an errand for me…I had bought some of the gas. they couldn't say no. Best idea I ever had!

It isn’t easy to get to where I am today. It took consistency on my part, lots of love and not playing referee or getting sucked into arguing with them. But be reasonable, be flexible and smile a lot.

Good luck

I just have the one son. We don't do the charts or rewards or allowances. Everyone lives in the house and contributes to it's maintenance. He takes the trash / recyling out to the cans and on trash day takes the cans to the curb and brings them back. He helps carry in the groceries and helps put them away. He loads the dishwasher and puts away the dishes when they are clean. He checks the mailbox and brings in the mail. We're still working on him doing it without being asked (one sign of adulthood is seeing when something needs to be done (the trash can is full), and then do something about it without prompting). He's 11 yrs old, and it's a work in progress. If I'm up and my husband or son wants a drink, I'll get them something, but if they are up, they will get me something too. We help each other and no one is a designated servant. In our house, there is no option to refuse a task when asked.

Money does seem to work. I have also just explained to everyone in the family that we are all part of the family, we all live here and we are all responsible for the upkeep of the home. It does seem to get easier as they get older & can do more by themselves (cooking, etc.). It seems there is more of an interest in helping when it is presented as an opportunity to do something that they are now old enough to do on their own. Another idea is a non-monetary reward such as if we all clean our rooms on Saturday, the whole family can go to a movie together on Sunday, etc. Good Luck! I think this is something we all struggle with at some time in one way or another so I'm interested to read the other responses.

My children have been doing chores, because it has been in their cub scouts badge requirements for about 4 years now. Maybe your son maybe interested in it. I also found if you and your kids do chores together, they will do it more often.

At their ages, I'd not assign a reward system, I'd personally teach them that chores are part of being in a family and being in your home.

My parents had strict chores for us - we weren't rewarded, we were expected to keep our bathroom clean, do vacuuming, sweeping, etc once/week. We were responsible for mowing the yard, raking in the fall, helping with my Dad's business. It was just expected as being part of the family.

I'm very particular about certain things: how laundry is folded, where dishes are put away, etc. So, my husband and I split chores. I do the things I'm more picky about, and he does the things that don't bother him (trash, vacuuming, etc).

Our 4 year-old son has started asking for "jobs". He feeds the cat/dog and lets us know when they need water/milk. He also wants to help us water the plants now that it's getting nice outside.

We also have a 2 year-old daughter. If they want to watch shows at night (or on the weekends), they have to help put their toys away. If they want to play outside, they have to help clean-up inside and then help put their outside toys away when they're done.

I personally believe it's about teaching responsibility, earning your keep and being part of something bigger than yourself. Employers are having a hard time with people who are incapable of survival because they've had parents willing to do everything for them.

Good luck!

Absolutely refuse to let them do anything unless daily chores are completed without you having to do ask more than once or twice. Make the chart, explain you will not ask them repeatedly to do any of the work and if it's not completed when they want to go outside or do something with a friend then you will tell them no.

Say it, mean it, do it.....

If you want to explain that everyone is part of the team and they help make the messes so logically they should help clean the messes...then go into that discussion. Explain to them what you told us about your feelings when it comes to 20 somethings not even knowing how to run a dishwasher.

I have been having conversations with my kids (13, 11, and 3) about responsibilities and "do what you need to do before you do what you want to do". It's a process and I am getting their input. For instance my 11 yo son has discovered that he likes to cook, so he wants helping with dinner to be one of his contributions to the house (I use this phrase instead of chores). So we are coming up with agreements about what they are doing.

I also think that empowering them at this age is important. One thing that has worked well for us is to have post its for what needs to be done. They set them up themselves and are given the freedom to do them on their own. I don't nag; I point to the board where the post its are. If they want to do something else, I ask them if they are free to do what they want to do because the things that they need to do are done. Sometimes they put things on their list that are fun, too. Homework, music practice, it's all there.

Now we are not perfect at doing this :-). But going back to our agreements and having them participate is working better than anything I have tried in the past.

The way I do my chores for my kids is to hold both my husband and I responsible and the kids. Every day they do a chore either my husband or I have to sign off that child’s chore for the day. When a child has their week signed off on then that child can use one of their coupons. My husband found a really good coupon book and that's what we use, However it very easy to make your own. Some of the coupons say things like "have parents do your chores for 1 day", "eat out to any restaurant limit (you put the limit in") or "you have 1 hour of extra playing time on the weekend". Now this method hold both my husband and I responsible because if we forget to sign off on a day then we'll lose something’s like the remote during our favorite show or we would have to do the kids chores for a week. One time I had to let my daughter apply make up to both me and my husband. Needless to say we are not very fond of these things. And the kids like it better when they are rewarded than when we are punished so they make sure we sign off on their chores. The big reward comes when a child has 2 months of sign offs then they can choose a bigger prize like a dollar raise in allowance (which they receive every two weeks for their chores). A trip to a fun place ie Chuck e Cheese, fun spot, movie with a friend. So doing chores becomes a family activity that we all enjoy and it doesn't become about money or pay off but about the child feeling like they earn the special things. We teach our children that hard work pay long term not short term.