How Do I Get Less Uptight?

I can relate. I don't think you're uptight, I think you might have a bit of anxiety or anger/chemical imbalance issues. I have felt exactly how you feel, and I've gotten it under control for the most part, but there are days where I annoy myself.

I could be way off base, but could you sit down and think about the uptight times you've had, and journal about them? Perhaps in this way you can start finding out what your motives for uptightness were in each instance.

Think about these questions, and make up some more: What is the *worst* thing that could happen to you (not to her, but to you) if your daughter messed up the kitchen? Would you look at the mess and think you've wasted your time in the kitchen? Would someone perhaps yell at you or say you're a bad housekeeper or a bad mother? If your baby had made noise at the funeral, would someone have pointed a finger at you? Would you have been asked to leave? Would someone have laughed? Do you always have to appear busy and successful (or at least productive)? What's the worst thing that would have happened if you had made a mistake on the dance floor where everyone might have been looking at you? What's the worst thing that would have happened if you had enjoyed yourself? Do you like being noticed or do you like to blend in? Why? Do you feel as if you'd like to be praised more? Are you concerned about being "good enough"? Do you have a habit of thinking that no matter what you're doing, you should be doing something better - or at least something else? Are events in life failures unless they're "just right"? You'll have to go from here because you'll certainly think of better questions than I can.

If you can get anywhere with this, maybe you'll be able to decide whether you can work this out yourself or decide to see a counselor about it.

A very wise friend once said to me, "You wouldn't worry quite so much what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do." That helped me start to relax right away! I don't know if that is your difficulty, too, but you could check it out.

I loved your funeral example. REALLY related.

In my case, it really isn't a "just relax" fix. I'm TRYING to relax. Hell, the TRYING is part of the issue. For ME, uptight isn't *the* problem, it's the symptom. It's an internal thing.

Here are some of the puzzle pieces I've collected for myself. Maybe you will relate?

- My mind doesn't stop. Catch me at any point in the day, and my brain is most likely having three different conversations. It's fun, entertaining, I'm never bored (so long as I have a place to put my thoughts - like writing/conversation) but it's really draining and distracting. It's hard for me to be present because I'm busy relating the present to three separate concepts and obsessing about how badly the carpet needs to be vacuumed. It takes a lot of energy to stay focused in a linear fashion. Stimulating, Yes. Relaxing...? Not very easily.

- I care what people think. I didn't realize that until recently. I've been hiding in duplicity, afraid that people would figure out that I wasn't a person of value (I didn't feel like I was). Rather than enjoy a moment authentically, with grace and full attention, I was wrapped up in, "what do they want from me? How can I be what this person wants?" I thought if I didn't act (as in, acting) like a valuable person, then people wouldn't think I was valuable. If others didn't think I was valuable, then I wasn't valuable. No fun. I had to stay in complete control of myself. Never let the "monster" show it's head. Turns out, the control and fear of "the monster" WAS the monster ;-)

For me, reorienting to a place of self love, compassion, forgiveness and value has been of the utmost challenge and reward. Now, I can better sit in my skin peacefully. I'm not stuck (all the time) in what I *think* someone else thinks of me. I like myself, so if you don't like me, it doesn't destroy me. Thus, I can just BE. I can be for me. Turns out, I'm a lot better mother, friend, family member, and advocate when I'm doing it for Reals, rather than doing it for show. I can worry about myself...not the whole rest of (what I think) the world is doing/thinking. That frees me up big time. I become my potential. The worry drained me and I could never experience who I actually am, 'cause I was too worried about what I should be and when.

- I'm a control guy. And a perfectionist. I think things are going to be harder than they really are. I get so worked up about the potential of X,Y,Z that I'm not even willing to TRY. Because if it's not perfect (what *I* think perfect SHOULD be), then it's not worth doing. What sucks about that, for me, is that I never get anywhere. And I don't enjoy the process. And, if it doesn't go the way *I want/think it should* then I'm filled with regret, remorse, shame. Which plays back into the value thing.

Also, fear is a big part of my scene. I was so darned afraid that it wouldn't work out. That I'd have to clean the "mess". So I tried to avoid ever making a mess.

Life's full of mistakes. Thank goodness! I've learned so much!

Life, for me, was about success vs. failure. Now, I'm shifting gears. It's about learning and enjoying and living in the NOW...with dreams and goals - sure - but if my happiness is dependent on the THEN (ONE idea of what Then will look like, rather than the NOW (what's the opportunity here? What's beautiful? How can I connect, what can I share, how can I contribute and feed my soul?), I don't ever get serenity and joy.) So I've decided to Let Go. Really, there's not much IN my control. Save myself. So I better get into my authentic skin and make the most of the moment, 'cause otherwise the road is gonna feel awfully cold!

Good luck!!! I hope you get to dance soon!

Hmm....to best offer advice one would need a little more information ie what sort of things are you uptight about? How does your being uptight manifest? and impact on your kids?

But for starters, have you read the old class anti-uptight "don't sweat the small stuff" sort of books? SOmetimes uptight can be attributed to not having the bigger perspective. Again, depends on what sort of uptight you mean.

May be it's anxiety? Try some yoga. I know exercise releases a lot of stress. If you don't have the time to go to a gym, crank up the stereo and dance your keester off with your kids. They'll get a kick out of watching mommy dance! :-)
Also slow deep breaths will help.
If you find yourself overwhelmed and need a break, ask someone to babysit for about 30min, or hubby to watch the kids while you take a walk around the block. I sometimes get out to walk around the neighborhood and it really helps me.

I think you need to learn how to think things through differently. It sounds like you have a tendency to need to control. I used to be very controlling when I was a kid/teen. As I've grown, I've learned to think about things differently. I'm typically very relaxed and easy going these days. It takes some doing for me to feel uptight.

My husband is more like you! He has a hard time letting the kids help him with things because he wants it done a particular way. I see it as a learning process for them, and unless we are super short on time, I think it's fun for them to do stuff with me and learn. He views it more as it causing a lot more work for him. Hubby also is concerned about how loud our kids are at church. I'm concerned with that too, but he's more extreme. Sometimes we'll be seated in the back and he'll stand with the baby. He'll be maybe 10 ft from me and I can't hear the baby, but he'll walk out of the chapel because he thinks she's being too loud. He gets uptight about lots of things (he's also very fun and amazing!) along those lines. I watch him and think how much easier it would be to learn to let things go.

I think the biggest part of it is the thought process. If you learn to see a situation and think about it different than you are, you'll be able to ease up some and not feel so stressed about it. It could be anxiety like others are saying...and they kind of seem the same to me. The uptight feeling is a form of anxiety.

I'd find some books and read up on how to let go of the need to control. You CAN change how you are and how you think. You might have born like this by default, but you definitely CAN change it.

Sounds like anxiety. Its worth talking to your doctor about.

I second the vote for talking to your doctor about anxiety..... Possibly even a little OCD. I am similar to you and I was surprised to find out that I feel so much better and so much more relaxed, engaged, patient now that I am taking a low level of Zoloft. My anxiety and tension increased post-partum and I too felt like I was making my kids unhappy. Things have greatly improved with the medication. It's worth a shot..... What have you got to lose?

Updated

I second the vote for talking to your doctor about anxiety..... Possibly even a little OCD. I am similar to you and I was surprised to find out that I feel so much better and so much more relaxed, engaged, patient now that I am taking a low level of Zoloft. My anxiety and tension increased post-partum and I too felt like I was making my kids unhappy. Things have greatly improved with the medication. It's worth a shot..... What have you got to lose?

in reading your examples, I don't think it's so much being "uptight" .....as opposed to being concerned about what others will think of you. This stems from a lack of self-esteem. To bolster that self-esteem, to make you learn to let go....what can you change within your life?

the example with your 3yo & helping in the kitchen....that one's easy! Just start letting your child help & relax. Make a mess together, clean it up together, & rejoice in the interaction! Start doing some sensory play with your child.....get out the flour & draw on the table with it.....use shaving cream on the table.....make collages using dried beans. Lots of creative outlets to teach your child sensory skills & to teach you to relax! A win-win!

with the exception of the stereo, all of the other examples are based on your fear of other people's opinions of you. Get over it! Don't give yourself deadlines, don't focus on outside influences....instead reach within yourself & rejoice in the moment. Take the time to look at a leaf with your 3yo, take the time to speak with a neighbor.......all of these things will help you focus on joy....rather than stress!

Now, I'm going to take this one step further....orgasms. WHOA.....I know I'm stepping out of the boundaries. BUT a few really good ones will help loosen you up....will help you feel relaxed....& maybe all of the rest of the world will seem brighter. & if you are achieving this already (hooray! for you!!), then try channeling some of that really good feeling into the other aspects of your life! ....I know.....just shoot me now. :) Peace!

Well if it's like excessively clean you have to grit and have fun being messy and eventually you may come down a few notches. It's hard to know without some description. If it's uptight like you don't like to go dance at the beach with the kids you just have to force yourself to do it and then when your having fun and fun police don't show up (lol, that was not meant in any way mean by the way :D) you may see the fun in being goofy and letting loose sometimes.

You could work on it little by little, but it sounds like you may have an anxiety problem... I'm being genuine and not mean, my mom has anxiety problems and has to take medicine for it or she would lose her mind to stress. Or OCD in general (the equalizer and kitchen), I think you may have to force yourself to let go and try to have fun cleaning up any mess (my almost 3 yr old cleans up messes with me) and try to let go of caring what people think (the 2-step). I understand the funeral, we went to one with my daughter at 2 and everytime she made a peep I was stressed, I didn't freak on her or anything but you get worried. The other people at the funeral honestly don't care as long as they aren't out of control so I chilled out.

Remember to breathe. Long, luxurious breaths in,.....and out. In,.....and out. Concentrate on breathing.

Play some music that makes you happy.

Try some Ginseng.

Peace out sister.

Some yoga, tai chi, meditation would be great. As well as exercise. Creating endorphins will help you handle situations in which you wish to control.
I do not agree with getting on meds right away; despite the culture in this country of making a quick fix for everything.
I love the idea of making a mess together with your daughter and cleaning up together.
The other thought is learning how to be spontaneous. Find times when you are not on a strict schedule and pick an activity that might be easy. A walk in the park, a picnic etc.
Lastly, remembering to take deep slow breaths when you get anxious, and ask yourself what is really important to you and or your family.

I can relate - somewhat - to how you feel. One of the things that makes me chill out is knowing that someday I'll miss these days. Your three year old isn't going to be little forever. Do you want to look back on these years and WISH you had been more patient, appreciated the 'help' in the kitchen more, had more fun in the moment? Write signs, quotes, whatever that serve as a reminder and post them around the house.

I do that too, i find less coffee and regular exercise help me. but those are things that help my anxiety get less. You need to find the things that trigger your anxiety and tweak them.

Define "uptight" as it applies to you. Your uptight might not be the same as mine. Can you give us some examples?