Hi moms! We put our family dog down yesterday...he was diagnosed with cancer in January and has been doing well up until this week, so we made the difficult decision to put him down. Our boys knew he was sick (we have a 5 yr old and an almost 3 year old) and we told them that Baxter went to heaven yesterday (we didn't tell them how ~ i don't want them thinking that they go do the drs office and can die from a shot!) ~ my mother-in-laws cat passed away not long ago, so we dealt with all of the hard questions then. They were upset, but took the news well. So here's my question ~ we are having Baxter cremated and we are getting the ashes back in a cute little wooden box. How in the world do I explain this to the kids? Or do I put the box on the shelf and not talk about it? Any suggestions would be appreciated. THANKS!
I wouldn't tell them about cremation. Just tell them the dog is in heaven and let it go at that. Cremation is hard for an adult I wouldn't go there with a child.
Also, I wouldn't put the box in their view because they WILL ask about. I would put it away and possibly bring it out when they are much older.
Just my opinion, I really hope my post didn't come off as rude.
I have worked in the death care industry for 20+ years. I would keep it on as simple a level as they can understand. Depending on your religious beliefs, you can tell them that when a living thing dies, their spirit goes on to heaven where it is no longer sick and will never be sick again. At that point, there is no need for a "body" so it is often buried in the earth or returned to an ashen form. There's nothing really weird or mystical about cremains, it's just ashes and bone bits. You could even show them the ashes so they understand. Just my opinion. They might not even ask about "how" the ashes got there (i.e. the actual cremation process). Tell them the little box is a way to remember Spot and remind you of him when they see it.
I'm sorry for the loss of your dog. I know it is a hard thing to go through.
We had to do the same with our family dog back in November. Our kids are older now, and completely understood, but here's what I suggest:
At Michael's Craft Store or A.C. Moore, you can get a "Pet Memory Stone" kit for about $15.00. It is very easy to make, and includes the cement, instructions, embellishments, etc, to make a permanent memory stone for your pet. The kids can decorate it as they wish (mine put her dog tag into the cement, then wrote her name and year of death in it). It hardens into a concrete block that they can keep forever. A nice idea for this is to put it in the garden where they can see it and remember him.
They don't have to know what's in the box.....just that it is "Baxter's Memory Box".
Also, look up the "Rainbow Bridge"....it's a beautiful poem by M.A. Preston about what happens when a pet dies.
Hi L.
I want to say how much I empathasize with you on the loss of your Baxter. This past September, my dog Jake suddenly had a stroke and I had to put him to sleep the same morning. My son wasn't quite 4 at the time. He missed and still does miss Jake and occasionally still asks if he is coming back, I re-explain that he is in heaven because he died, and that dead is forever. I got Jake cremated for my own comfort and solace, he was my first baby I wasn't ready for him to be gone. Jake sits on my bookshelf in my bedroom, his collar and pictures are there as well. My son has never asked what the box is, so I haven't told him because he still doesn't firmly grasp the "forever" aspect of death. When he is older and understands death a little better I will explain it to him. I just think that telling him that Jake is in a box on my shelf would confuse him even more. I don't object to the honesty, I just don't think they are old enough to understand. This is my experience and it is recent so I know it's not an easy time you are going through.
Hi L.,
I only read a few of the respsonse, but I agreee with Sharon P. I lost my cat a few years ago, and I had him cremated as well. He sit in a box with cats on it. We have an older dog, 15, and his health is not very well. When his time comes I will have him cremated as well. I would never want to have him buried in our yard, as I know that we will not always live in the house we have and I could not leave him behind.
there was another repsonse that said about the memory stone. I think thats a wonderful idea. It will help the kids. I dont think telling them now about the remains is a good idea. When they are older and ask what the boxis, it will be better to tell them then. It would be too hard and confusing for them to understand now.
I am so sorry for you loss. Our pets just as family members.
Why are you getting his cremains back ? I've never heard of this. when we euthanized our pets, we never saw them again. We got the collar and leash back. what I would do sounds callous, so please know I make a definate line between pets and humans. I would either throw the box away, or bury it, or find out if there's enough nutrients in what's left to mix them into the gardening soil and have it enrich your garden. I would not hang onto the cremains of my dog for ver long. What's the point ? Of course, we live on 8 acres, so we have plenty of space to bury our pets, but given where we live, they tend to get "un" buried by coyotes and eaten, no matter how good a job we think we've done. I just shrugged and told me kids, "Well, honey, I'm really sorry, but it is the food chain, and it does happen." (My kids are obviously older than yours)
I think the kids will have an easier time coping with this than Mom and Dad, frankly. And they will have an easier time coping if Mom and Dad just act as if it is a part of life. Pets come and go, hopefully the people stay.
Just wanted to say I totally agree with Denise. I think the reason cremation is hard for adults is because we don't talk about it when we are young. We hide death and it makes it scary. It is a normal part of life...every living thing will one day die. Just my two cents. I'm also so sorry for the loss of your dog.
M.
Hi L.,
I am so sorry about the loss of Baxter. We lost our dog to cancer in December and also opted for cremation. My daughter is way too young (only 21 months old right now) so we did not talk about "the box". However, I do believe your 5-year-old could understand. Your almost 3-year-old would likely be confused. Use simple words and describe how the body remains and people honor the memories of their loved ones in different ways. I don't think you will need a lot of detail. You can tell your 5-year-old and let him ask questions if he has any. I agree with other posters who state that honesty is helpful in these matters. Death is never easy, but it doesn't have to be taboo. Sorry for your loss and good luck.
