I have three boys. The youngest turns one in a few weeks. He's not a snuggler, like my first two were. My SIL mentioned that her oldest wasn't a snuggler, and she felt sort of rejected by him before she realized he just isn't a snuggler. I've dealt with those feelings, too, and gotten past them.
But what I don't know how to do is comfort him!
With my first two kids, they'd want a hug and to sit on my lap when they got hurt. They still do! But when my baby falls down and bonks his head, he wants me, so I pick him up, but he arches his back and doesn't want me to hold him close. So I don't know what to do with him! Why does he want me if he doesn't want me to hold him? What does he want me to do?
Right now, I'm about at the end of my rope, because he's sick and cranky. Usually, he's a super kid, who doesn't even fuss. Tonight, I put him down and he slept for about an hour, then woke up. He's been up for 2 1/2 hours now, and isn't happy doing anything. He doesn't want to sit on my lap, he of course doesn't want to snuggle, he doesn't want to play, he just toddles around the house making faces and fussing. I put him back to bed, but he's just crying in his crib (despite Tylenol, Orajel, and a bottle).
With my older two, I would scrap doing the dishes, brush my teeth and go to bed immediately, taking them with me. They'd snuggle until they fell asleep. This baby doesn't like to sleep in my bed, he only recognizes his own as a legitimate place to sleep. And of course, snuggling is out.
And I just don't know what to do for him.
What do I do?
P.S. I'll get through tonight just fine, it's just an example, the worst example, of the problem I'm asking about.
Thankfully, he finally fell asleep tonight.
Thanks for the article, Momma L. What's interesting to me is that this baby NEEDED to be swaddled until he was about 7 months old. And he grabs at me, but pushes away, too. It's hard to explain. And when he was really sick yesterday, he absolutely had to lay on ME, not anyone or anything else. You'd better believe I enjoyed every second I got of it.
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M.L.
answers from
Houston
on
Perhaps something less hands on, that still shows you are there for him. He still needs your reassurance, just not the close snuggling thing. My oldest also did not like to be held close and arched his back away, and he's 5 now and has just recently become the biggest cuddler ever. For now, you can lay him down and gently rub his back, sit him on your lap, sing to him, sit next to him and rub his head or tickle his feet... touch him gently, just without the tight grasp of cuddling.
My 3.5 year old is like that he didn't like to be cuddled at all. He liked to sit by me on the couch but He didn't like me to put my arms around him. Now sometimes he will let me hug him but he stays stiff. He dosn't like me to sleep with him either. Sometimes when he is sleepingI will crawl in his bed and hold him but sometimes he wakes up and tells me to go to my own bed. But recently there have been times he has crawled up on my lap and asked me to hold him, but only for a few minutes. He likes me to lay in his bed with him in the morning when he wakes up, but again he won't let me hold him. He has a high pain tolerance though thankfully and dosn't need much coddling when he gets hurt, I have watched him hit his head and take falls that would make me cry and he just jumps up and keeps going. I know its hard with a child who dosn't like to cuddle. I guess you just need to find something that works for him, like sitting next to him or something.
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B.B.
answers from
New York
on
Hugs to you. My second is like this. He likes to be held, but not snuggled...if that makes sense. Even when he is sick or teething he is like that, which makes it sooooo difficult and upsetting. With my first, I would hold him while he was upset and he would still whimper, but he would fall into me and I knew that he really wanted me. With my second, I'll hold him and it is like he almost fights me, but if I put him back in his crib he gets hysterical. Just last night this happened because he is teething. I ended up sitting him on my lap facing me and we got a little toy that lights up and plays music...that was the only thing that calmed him down. He put his head down on my shoulder a few times, but popped back up. I was so sad :-(
I don't have any advice, but just wanted to let you know that I am in the same boat and it makes me so upset. I actually cried about it last night. All I wanted to do was comfort him, but I just couldn't do it.
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S.B.
answers from
Redding
on
Kiss his owies. Give him a hug and send him on his way.
I think its great that some little kids just don't need more than that to know they're okay and move on to the next thing.
He sounds like he's a pretty independent little guy.
That's not a bad thing.
Best wishes.
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M.L.
answers from
Houston
on
My second was not a snuggler, and I also felt the rejection you are talking about. :(
With her though, she would sit in the big recliner with me, so that is what we did. I would just put her next to me, kick the foot part out, and she would be happy. I could not put my arms around her, she just needed me close to her, but not snuggle. I hate to say, but, she's still not an affectionate child at 6. It is hard sometimes, but just her personality. Anyway, when she was sick, we'd sometimes stay all night in the recliner. I don't know if you have a similar option, but you may try it and see if your boy might go for it. :)
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J.L.
answers from
Los Angeles
on
Heres what my 20 month old does. She holds her arms out for me to pick her up and put her on my lap. If I try to hug her she stiffens her arms and wiggles off my lap. Then she cries harder because she's not on my lap. It's like she has to be on me but I can't hug her. She only recently started to give hugs, and cuddling with me on the couch for 5 minutes, but this is only when she's happy, and watching tv or playing. When she's upset there's no chance of hugging or snuggling.
If she suddenly falls or bumps herself I just try to direct her attention to mommy being goofy. I will kiss her owie spont, I will tickle her, I will make goofy faces, throw a ball, clap my hands, sing a song, whatever I think of at the moment. It usually works after a few seconds.
If she is cranky it takes a lot longer to get her to calm down. I try everything but it ends up with her laying in her bed, whinning and tossing/turning and me reading to her until she falls asleep. I do pat her back or rub in circles, and sometimes that works, but there are nights where nothing makes her happy untill she falls asleep.
She was never a snuggler so I am happy that she has learned to give hugs, and kisses, and likes to come up and hold my hand. She will also lay with me for brief periods on the couch, and it makes my day. I totallly understand your feelings. I hope you find something that works.
