How Do I??? - Maryville,TN

Hi L., I read all the other responses to be sure I wasn't just repeating. I have been where you are and I am so sorry you are in this boat! I have been through this. I am always one to try to keep the family together and would suggest counseling (yes someone has already said that), but I actually know the name of what is going on with him and a book that might help you and/or him IF he will read it. It is Peter Pan syndrome. The book is Peter Pan Syndrome: Men who have never grown up by Dan Kiley. Its possible I still have this book, I will search my basement after I send this, because I would love to send it to you, if not I urge you to try to find it either at the library or maybe online...I don't know if it would be in bookstores because it is from the 80's. It can be enlightening for you to read as well. There is also another book that goes along with it called the Wendy Syndrome (it's about us women who take the reins, be the grown up, and allow them to be like little boys - albeit little boys who are dads and have jobs, etc.)

Anyway, there are some good websites out there with information about it, here is one I copied from just w/ the highlights (now this may not describe him EXACTLY but at least w/ my hubby it was surprising how much matched)...so here's the text:

Peter Pan Syndrome can affect both sexes, but it appears more often among men. Some characteristics of the disorder are the inability of individuals to take on responsibilities, to commit themselves or to keep promises, excessive care about the way they look and personal well-being and their lack of self-confidence, even though they don’t seem to show it and actually come across as exactly the opposite.

The UGR professor declares that these people are usually scared of loneliness, which is why they try to surround themselves with people who can meet their needs. “They become anxious when they are evaluated by their work colleagues or their superiors, given they are completely intolerant towards any criticism. Sometimes they can have serious adaptation problems at work or in personal relationships.”

Another characteristic of people suffering from the ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’ is that they are constantly changing partners and looking for younger ones. “Whenever the relationship starts to ask for a high level of commitment and responsibility, they become afraid and break it up. Relationships with younger women have the advantage of being able to live by the day without any worries, and they also involve less future plans, therefore less responsibilities.”

The Wendy behind Peter Pan

Psychologist Dan Kiley, who defined ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’ in 1983, also used the term ‘Wendy Syndrome’ to describe women who act like mothers with their partners or people close to them. Humbelina Robles stresses that “Wendy is the woman behind Peter Pan. There must be someone who deals with the things Peter Pan doesn’t do in order for Peter Pan to exist.”

The researcher from the UGR states that Wendy “makes every decision and takes on the responsibilities of her partner, thus justifying his unreliability. We can find Wendy people even within the immediate family: the overprotecting mothers.”

The professor declares that the biggest disadvantage of both disorders (Peter Pan and Wendy Syndromes) is usually that the person who suffers from them doesn’t feel as though they are part of the problem, they are not aware of it. Robles points out that the only solution for this disease is the right psychological treatment, not only centered on the person who suffers from the disorder but also on his/her partner and family.

Does that sound like him? Praise God, only God deserves the credit, because in our case we went to a counselor, she recognized what was going on, suggested the books, which we read and my husband made a DECISION to grow up. Which is what they have to do. They have to CHOOSE to grow up or they will continue as Peter Pan, living as if everything revolves around them (oh, did I forget to mention that narsiccism is a major trait?)...they will find women who will be happy to "mother" them throughout their life (another wife, girlfriend, etc.) But they will never really be happy because they will not have a deep, meaningful relationship because they are simply not capable of it (they are too self involved). I will pray for you that your husband will be willing to read the book, see a counselor, and make the decision to grow up. He's in for a very unhappy life if not (but as others said, that's not your problem!).

Now, if he refuses help and to work on himself and grow up and be a husband and father?....well, then you stick it to him girl, get everything that's coming to you. There is a state worksheet (we are in KY), because believe me I called to check thirteen years ago when I was in your shoes...and they base it on his and your income, then they look at a percentage (let's say he makes 65% of household income, you make 35%), then they say it will cost $1000 a month to raise this child, he will pay you $650...now my numbers may be wrong, but it was easier to figure #'s from a thousand.

I hope and pray this helps you....message me back if you need any more info as I feel God sometimes puts others with experiences in our path so we can help them. I pray He will give you strength through this no matter what the outcome! Love and prayers to you, J.

P.S. I haven't even had time to read Mamasource lately, so I'm glad I had a chance today...maybe it can help put your family back together.

Hi L.,
I'm sorry that your husband decided to walk out at a time when you need him more than ever. I wish I had an answer to all of your questions.

As far as child support - you don't ask him for anything. Go to court and get it court ordered so that you have a way to collect it despite him not wanting to be an adult. Most states require the absent or non-custodial parent to pay a percentage of his/her wages. I don't know TN's laws (I live in NC, but have dealt with child support in IL, NC, and WI) but you need to educate yourself about them. TN's website is here: http://www.state.tn.us/sos/rules/1240/1240-02/1240-02-04.pdf

I can't answer for what your husband is thinking or what not wanting to be an adult anymore means to him. Only he can do that. Whether he wants to be an adult or not, he fathered your child and the court will make him be responsible for your child.

As far as your first move... I don't want to give bad advice because I don't know the whole story. You should probably go file for legal temporary custody, though.

If you want someone to vent to that is objective to your situation, please feel free to contact me privately on here and then from there we can discuss on here, on IM, on email, or even on the phone.

I hope some of the other moms can offer you some advice on the other issues. Maybe someone else has been in your shoes and can better advise you. My thoughts are with you.

Hi L.. I am so sorry to hear about all of the stuff going on with you. I think your husband means that he doesn't want the responsibility of being a father, not so much that he doesn't want to be an adult any more. He's an adult, it's too late to say he doesn't want to be one. There's nothing he can do about that anyway. Your son and your father being sick could be taking a toll on him too. Him leaving you isn't the answer. If I were you I would talk to a lawyer and tell him/her what is going on. They might be able to tell you how much child support you can ask for or they may have a set amount that the father has to give. If you have a friend you can talk to about all of the stress that is happening to you, I would confide in her/him. I do all of the time and it helps a lot. I would tell them what your husband has done, the stress at work and your son and father being sick. If you don't have a frien that is very close to you, maybe a pastor or therapist of some kind may work. I hope this helps. God bless you and your family during this difficult time. I wish you all the best and good luck with everything. PRAY too. It helps a bunch to talk to God. At least it does for me anyway. J. A.

I know exactly what you're going through. I'm in almost the same spot. I'm 25, he's 29. We have three girls ages 6, 3, and 10 months. He moved out September 1. He got laid off the week after he moved out and I've always stayed at home. So I have no income. Only assistance and what my parents help me with. I know how hard it is.

There are only three things you NEED. Transportation, income, and support.

You need transportation for the obvious reasons. Dr. appointments, work, etc.

Everything that's been going on with your situation may be making things at work seem worse than they really are. Not saying that it's not stressful already, but added stress doesn't help. So try not to look at your job in a negative light right now. It's money you need to support your family. No matter how crappy, it's a job. Go to Social Services apply for assitance. No matter how much or little you may get. Every little bit helps. Ask to apply for everything! They will even help you get child support!

Having a good support is probably the most important. You need the emotional support to get through. I only have my mom and step dad, but they are the most loving and supportive people. I haven't always had a good relationship with my mom but my separation with my husband has actually brought us closer together. And who needs a man when you have mom!

Please send me a private message if you would like to talk further. I know what you'r going through and will try to give you as much supoort and advice that I can.

-E.

Since you are the only adult in the relationship, I say:
1st Contact and attorney
2nd Depending on the state you live in, they have a formula to figure out what your ex will have to pay in child support.
3rd Never look back!
This is your and your childs life. Just because your husband doesn't want to be a grown up, he is in a grown up world. He probably thinks he is going to have his income all to himself. He has no idea about how much money is getting ready to come out of his monthly income for child support. I would request that it be direct deposit too is at all possible. I know you are going through alot right now, but keep your eye on the prize. The prize is your child and their well being and also your happiness. Don't let your husband think that you have spent 1 second worrying about him. Let it bother him that you move on and move on quickly. Some may think I am being harsh, but being around the military I have seen a lot that I wish I hadn't.

First off, take a deep breath, and get baby through the croup. I am so sorry for your situation. Baby is your only worry this minute. Ask your friends to help. Keep in contact with Dad thro the phone. He understands. Ask for the name of a good counselor and see them, and they will tell you where to go from here. I know you expected this because you say he walked out for the last time, so he has done this before. Did the 2 of you go to counseling? Hang in there honey, it will take time, but time will heal.

My first husband did this. He said that all the responsbilites were too much for him to deal with. He thought that we could just go one as we had in high school. You also mention for the last time, has he done this before? If he has he will probably continue to do it as long as you let him. We decided that we both wanted a divorce. When I talked to the lawyer he encouraged me to have the child support paid through the courts. I did not heed his advice so he never held up his end of the fiancial means. Even if I had done it that way he was good at working for someone that would pay cash and not have to claim it. The lawyer and the courts determine how much child support is the right amount. In MO it depends on if both parents are able to work and the ability of each person to earn $$. If you have a nursing degree and he has only a H.S. diploma your earning potential is more than his and you won't get as much. If he is the one with the education and you don't have any he will have to pay more. Or if he is in a well paying job and you He was into drugs and alcohol and not the kind of person I wanted around my son. I did not push for the child support because he was the type of person that would expect to take him if he paid the child support. I did not want to risk my son being in a crack house, in the car with him being drunk etc...

If he is not into the drug/alcohol scene then have the support paid through the courts. In MO when it is done that way and the payments don't come in, they press charges not you. I am not sure if all states are like that or not.

As far as all of your other things, I will pray for your family. Take your son to the doctor so you know what your dealing with.

Let him walk. If a man would walk out on you and his child at a time like this, what will he be like when times get really tough?!? Talk to a lawyer, if you have no money, go thru legal aide. They will help you get the maximum child support for no fee. He needs therapy to make himself healthy to have a normal, life experience. Sad, the child will suffer the most and he is too self centered to think of his child. What a blessing you have for a darling little boy! He will lose so much of the greatness of having a child. I am so sorry for what you are going thru. Ask God for strength and guidance. He never lets you down, the only man that wont!!! Good luck and God Bless.

First off it sounds like he's being a royal jerk. Have you noticed sudden mood changes in him ? it may be a medical issue not him being a butt issue though with all the stresses going on in your life maybe it is too much for him to handle. Yes go for support. Best way to find out the percent is to go to family court and file paperwork for custody and child support because if he got into his mind to take the child there is nothing you can do.

L.,

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this but I want you to know you are not alone. There are many single mothers out there that have gone through what you are going through. Your husband says he does not want to be an adult, however, he must understand that he has adult responsbilities that he will have to take care of. I would give him a few days. Get past your father's surgery and get your child well. When this has passed contact him and tell him that you realize he's done but that you need to talk with him about how he plans to support the baby. If I were you and you could afford it, I would request some time off at work. You don't need the stress of a sick child, your father's surgery and trying to work all at once.

With that said, in a few days/weeks when everything settles contact your husband and tell him that you guys need to discuss some serious issues like child support among other things. You need to discuss everything you have that are both of your names and discuss how those will be paid. I for one would record the conversation and have some sort of legal document/agreement for both of you to sign. That way when you meet with divorce lawyers you have some concrete evidence to support your agreement.

Don't let him play games either. He can't be around when he wants to and go away when he doesn't want to. Discuss how often you will allow him to see your son and how or if you will allow him to take him away over night. Be specific in your details and again record and document your agreement.

I don't know how your finances are but I would go straight to the bank and close your checking account, especially if he has access to it and open another one in your name. If you can't close the account, then draw everything out and put it in a new account under your name. I know you have a sick child but the sooner you do this the better off you will be.

It sounds to me like your husband has done this before because you note that this is for the last time. I've never been one to condone divorce so if he comes back you have a tough decision to make. If you decide to allow him to come back I would be the one in control of how that happens. If he left I would let him come back home but his bed would be the couch for quite a while, at least until he wanted to be a grown up.

I know you probably don't see any light at the end of the tunnel but there is. You be a strong, dedicated mother and woman because your son is going to need that from you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope everything gets better for you soon.

Hi L.
My gosh, I'm so sorry for all these things that are happening to you. It's hard to know why all of a sudden your husband decides he "doesn't want to grow up". Do you have family that you can turn to? Or friends or neighbors? Do you belong to a church - maybe you can turn to them? I have heard of this happening (all too much, if you ask me) and also with role reversal - in this case the wife/mother didn't want to grow up. You need to take one step at a time, this will hopefully help you not feel so overwhelmed.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I'll also try to think about some resources to help you. What area of town do you live?

Regards, Paula

wow i am so sorry you are going through all this. First take care of your self. if you dont take care of yourself you will be no go to the little one or your father. Take a breath and know that it will all work out. it may not be what you planned but it always works out. Find support through your friends and family, don't try to be a hero use those around you. Don't let your husband and his insecurities be your issue they are not they are his. take your emotions out of it when you are talking to him about how he is going to support the baby. i know that is hard but it is not about the 2 of you it is about the child. Give him the bounderies you need him to follow (when to have the money to you and how it needs to get to you (check cash). if he does not follow it let the court take care of it. using the court takes out the stress for you. each state child support agency has a formula on how much you both should pay for a child. they will look at both of your incomes and make a decission based on that.

if i can say anything it is think of the child. no matter what happends he will always be the childs father weather he is acting like it or not. making negitive comments about the father only hurts you and the child. Let the child make his own decission about his father in the future you just be there to support the child emotionally.

My first husband and i did this together after he cheated on me. no matter what he did i always made sure i did not make negative comments about him in front of her father and i always hoped he did the same. Now 11 years later we live 5 miles apart share costody he we watch each others kids and his wife and i are coleading a girls scouts troop.

this is all possible because i did not the hate and anger consume me and destroy my life or effect my daughter.

hope this helps

Okay, first of all L., your husband cannot just decide that he does not want to be an adult. There is no check out window when you are a parent. He IS an ADULT and he IS a PARENT. Period, end of story.
You need to file separation papers and request full custody and as much child support as you can get. I hope that you can afford a very good lawyer because you will obviously need one while divorcing an immature and selfish boy. (Not worthy of being called a man)
I wish you luck and pray that you can stay strong through this.

The first thing you do is get yourself a GOOD lawyer. Listen to his/her advice and don't let yourself be driven by emotions....follow lawyers advice. Remember, you will be raising this child for the next 18 plus years. You will need more money as the child gets older. Unfortunately most of the time, the mother is the one that has to be responsible and adult regardless of what is happening. You will get thru this and will be stronger than you ever imagined you can be. Also remember to take a little time for yourself...even if it is after you put your son to bed and can relax in a bubble bath for half hour. Eat properly and healthy and keep your head up. When and if your husband wants to be part of your son's life, allow it but maintain the control over your son's life. Get sole custody. A man that isn't ready to be an adult has no business making any decisions about the son's life. For your own sake, don't allow hate and anger to take over..use your mind. Hating and anger only hurts you and will rub off on your son. I have been in this situation so I understand the feelings and the emotional rollercoaster you are dealing with. If "husband" hasn't done so, take all but $5 out of your checking and savings accounts and put them in a new account where only you have access. Believe me, you cannot be fair at this point. That only comes later when you can talk rationally with your husband. Good luck and let us know how things progress for you.

i'm dealing with the same thing right now. only we're not married. my boyfriend wanted a kid so bad he couldnt stand it, and i was on birth control and still got pregnant. i already love this baby so much, it's like the say, you cant explain the bond between a mother and the child. but we met seperately with child support counselors and he's military and thought he could get 50-50 but he can't because he deploys too often. but they told us both that the majority of child support cases go like this: the mother gets 65 and the father gets 35 (or one parent i should say). and then they take a percentage of his income (i think she said 33%) and of your income (33%) and figure it up with how many days a year you have the baby. i make 800 and he makes 3000.00 so they told us that i'd prob get about 800 a month, the less i make the more i will get and the more i have the baby, so if i were you, i would talk to an attorney. i work at the kennedy law firm and we do free consulations. jacob is one of the best attorney's we have and he will give you great advice if you want to come in. you'll need to know his approx income and yours and how often you think you will get the baby, to get an idea of what to ask for. but if he tries to fight you in court then the judge will decide how much he has to give you. there's a thing called the child support worksheel that the entire court system goes off of, it's universal.

There are deeper issues involved. Either your husband is incredibly selfish or immature -- or both! -- or there is something going on that you're not aware of (addiction to pornography, perhaps?). You need marriage counseling IMMEDIATELY. There is the possibility that the two of you can work this out, but that means that you're going to have to give some, too. Try to understand the pressures he's under that have made him crack, and see if there's anything you can do to meet him in the middle and stay together. Please take steps to try to keep your marriage intact, not just for your sake but for your son's sake as well. It will take both of you working together, and if your husband is *completely* unwilling, you may not be able to help that; but try your best.

If he is unwilling to grow up and be a man, and persists in being a little boy inside an adult body, contact a divorce attorney and see what your options are. Sit down today or tonight and look at your true financial situation -- how much money do *you* have coming in, what is your rent/mortgage, utilities, food, etc. cost? What can you do to reduce your expenses? How much money will it take for you and your son to stay afloat? You have to be doubly grown-up since your husband will not. I'm so sorry.

hONEY IF YOUR HUSBAND WANTS TO GO THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO. CONCENTRATE ON RAISING YOUR CHILD.iF HE REALIZES HE NEEDS YOU MORE HE WILL RETURN.IF NOT SHOW HIM YOU CAN MAKE IT.SOMEONE BETTER WILL COME ALONG I PROMISE. God will help you.

I actually know a few couples where the new husband just decided he didn't want to be married any more and walked out. Fortunately for them, there weren't any children yet. I don't know if it is the video game generation or what is causing this. It is tragic. I think that too many parents today don't raise their kids to be responsible adults. Instead they indulge them (give them everything they want) and don't give them chores and demand responsibility out of them. I'm sorry for you. This isn't advice, just my observation on our society. Best wishes, and definitely get a mad-as-hell lawyer and make your husband pay up.

Bless your heart! My answer to you is to first turn to God. Pray and ask for strength and healing. God hears our cries and He cares for you more than anyone else ever could. As far as your husband goes, what can you do other than deal with reality. The reality is that he has made a very bad decision that will hurt alot of people. You need to contact a good lawyer. They will help you with child support issues. Concentrate on your beautiful son and being there for your dad. With God you can do all things including being a wonderful, strong, confident single mom. I know you are broken hearted right now but you can get thru this and come out stronger than you ever knew you could be. Don't waste too many tears on your husband, he is just thinking about himself right now. God bless.

Okay then, he decided he's not ready to be an adult? New's flash ladies! Little girls grow up to be women and little boys grow up to be... well, big boys!
Take it from someone who put her man out after 10yrs.! It's all the same.
Find someone you really trust (and I mean "REALLY" trust) to talk to. Someone to support you and build you up. Don't ask for advice just get it all out in the open. How your feeling, your fears, regrets etc.. Then, after awhile you'll start hearing what you need to do for you and your child.
Promise, you will survive! It will take time but the more you gain strength in yourself the better your life will be.
Good luck and God bless

Go to rosenlawfirm.com, or gogle Rosen Law Firm. They will have a NC child support calculator on there, if no longer, google NC child support calculator. You enter how much you make, how much your husband makes and enter a few other easy things, and it gives you the amount NC would grant you in child support. Very easy to do, and it will give you a good idea of what you DESERVE. My husband of 10 years did the same thing years ago, my son was 5 and he just wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. He left us, I moved on and he has been miserable ever since. I have found a man that loves me and my son, best move my ex could have made. You can get thru this, if he would walk out at a bad point for you, YOU can do better and he does not deserve you. Let him go, file immediately for child support, b/c it can take awhile, and move on. You can do it.

Hi L.,

I will say a special prayer for you...The first thing I would do in your position is to go down on my knees and start praying...start asking God to lead you..to guide you...to stregthen you...you cannot handle all this life crisis stuff alone!!! If you do not have a relationship w/God or a Superior Being...you need to begin one....You cannot possible handle all this life drama alone...please seek out a church home...and a pastor and a loving church home...people who can pray for you..comfort you..and direct you in the right way...please start to lean on our Heavenly Father...You will be amazed how God can step in and Change your Life...

VMithcell
Memphis.TN...

Seeing an attorney is good advice so you can find out what your options are. But as a marriage counselor, I have to also advise that you find a good counselor who can help you manage through this crisis so you can make the decision that is right for you and your son. It's "nice" that your husband doesn't want to be an "adult". Sorry, but he already is one. You need to talk with someone who can help you establish and maintain good boundaries so you can respond from a position of strength and knowledge. Your son is counting on you to do your best and that means finding a way through the hurt and anger. Your husband will always be your son's father. It is essential you find a way through the emotions so you can maximize that relationship. Good luck.

I'm so sorry for what has just happened to you. But first take a deep breath, and you'll get through this. First ask you boss for some personal family time. You don't have to say unless you are close to him/her. But then regroup and see either a family counselor or a divorce lawyer. If you are in NC you have to be separated for a year before filing for divorce. You should also remember you have someone else who is dependent on you, so don't forget about your little boy. Take one crisis at a time. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully you and your husband can work this out. Sometimes married people fight and say things they don't mean, and I'm sure he is feeling a bit overwhelmed. You did say you had a lot going on, maybe things at home were a bit stressful for him, and he wasn't thinking clearly. Don't give up so soon, but do be strong, your little boy is counting on you.

A. B

The very first thing you need to do is calm down and think level headed. You need to call your child's doctor and find out if your son needs meds or a breathing machine. Put him in bed with you tonight to help you both sleep. Be there for your father, the surgery will happen if it needs to and you can help take care of him after. You did not mention if he is with your mother.....maybe you might consider moving in with your father to help him and him help you.....you may need the assistance financially. As far as your husband, for now, let him have his childish hissy fit and tell him to go b/c you have too many other stressful things that need your attn. Tell him that you don't want him to leave but if he is not ready for a family, you will not beg him. Tell him to take some time and realize what he wants but know that he CANNOT date or have an affair, this is time for him to think. Maybe he is already seeing someone?? After that, if it truly is over, you go to an attorney and they decide the child support. Yes, you should get child support!

Don't let him worry you when your son and your father need you. Good luck

sorry to hear you are having a rough time but things will get better. your husband sounds very childish but you cant change that. get yourself a lawyer, however the court will decided about the child support it goes by how much he makes not how much you want. good luck keep your head up!

So many Dads/Husbands go through this. We, as Moms/Wifes should be able to slap the immaturity right out of them! They mourn the loss of their freedom so much that they can't think of anyone else but themselves. I have a good husband and he still doesn't step up each time that he should and then I have to carry the parent load. It's sad really. I am sorry that you have to endure all of this on your own. My advice to you is to get a lawyer! Don't waste time thinking that you don't need one. It will only hurt you and your son in the long run. Do what is best for your little boy. There are lots of things that need to be considered that you are unable to think about right now. A lawyer will be able to point out all of these things. You have to provide for his future and you went into this thinking that you would be a partner in his upbringing not the sole provider. Your husband may not want to be an adult and he may try hard to act like anything but an adult, but he does have to be held responsible! Don't sell yourself short by "just wanting to get this over with". This happens to so many women who try to do the right thing or try to get the divorce over with so quickly so that they may move on and in a few months to a year realize how much they are having to struggle, as well as the children, while the husband/father gets to play and live comfortably. It is hard to be a parent and a spouse. No one handles it with grace and elegance at first. It takes a-lot of work and sacrifice... from both of you! Plus, you son needs his father! Perhaps you could suggest counseling be a must during this separation so that your husband get the time he needs to talk out what he is going through and maybe be able to work this out for himself. Good luck to you! Stay strong and seek the help of your friends and family as you will need the shoulders to lean on for your own sanity.

The only advice I have is to find a good lawyer ASAP, get a legal separation and child support, and take care of yourself. Try not to get overly stressed. You have a lot to focus on, and you will do no good to anyone if you get sick. I don't really know a lot about your situation, but if you were my friend, I would be honest with you and tell you that it sounds like he has another woman. Men use a range of excuses when they have found someone else, and inevitably leave you holding the bag, confused and hurt. I hope this isn't the case, but I would very suspicious of that if I were you. He may show back up later wanting back in when the fun is over. For now, do what you have to to take care your child. I am so sorry for your situation, but be strong and remain the "adult" in this sitation becuase your baby needs you now more than ever. Take care.