How Did I Become Such a Bad Mommy?

Oh boy, at that age my oldest would storm up the stairs and tell me how he wanted a new mommy. He's still my strong willed one (just like me). You're mom, he isn't always going to like you, you are the one that makes the rules and tells him no. Who makes him eat his veggies and take a bath and go to bed. It's hard, but it doesn't change the fact that he loves you, he will always love you.

It will be ok! When my teenager was little my mom was alive and we lived with her. My life was sooo different and I rememberbeing kind of jealous that my son wanted my mom and not me. What I wouldn't give to have that back! Nowadays I have to do it all myself and my kids don't have a grand parent type. I've not had a night alone or a date night with my husband in 4 yrs. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side! You play with him! If he doesn't want to play with him fine. He's missing out! Puzzles, coloring books, play d'oh. Have fun!

my husband was very much addicted to video games also. I hated it and it was ruining our relationship because he would flip it on the second he got home from work and would play until the wee hours of the morning--THEN would complain about how exhausting parenting was because he was sooooo tired. Umm I don't think he ever woke up with our 1 child (at that point) in the middle of the night and I always got up with the baby in the morning. I almost left him because of it--and I was definitely taking my son with me. I gave him an ultimatum, video games 3 nights a week and ONLY after the baby went to bed or I was leaving. He complied and now he really only plays a couple nights a week when I'm doing something by myself also (like sitting on Mamapedia). I think the games were his way of dealing with his form of post-partum depression, and it was only making things worse. We have another baby now and our family life has improved immensely--after he quit playing xbox when our son was awake, they bonded so well. Now both the kids get so excited when daddy comes home because he's the Fun Guy and a great snuggler. I also turned the TV off during the day (my son would mostly watch noggin while eating breakfast/lunch) and have noticed his attitude improved. Technology just makes kids and adults super cranky

Being a mommy is the HARDEST job in the world. Give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can.

It sounds like if things were better with your husband, life would be better for everyone in the house. You need to put your foot down with hubby. Take the video game system and hide it. Tell hubby he must spend time with his son! After your child goes to bed at night, then and only then, can hubby play video games. My husband likes to play computer games, but we have a rule in our house. He only plays them after my daughter goes to sleep at night. If my daughter is awake, no computer games. My husband happily agrees because he wants to spend every possible minute with our child.

Take your son to the park, take him for walks. If he enjoys being outside, go outside. Don't let apartment living stop you from enjoying the outdoors.

Good luck. Its so hard to be a good mom, but I am sure you are a great mom. Its hard, for all of us. We all do the best we can, and beating yourself up is no good for anyone. Just make some positive changes and stick to them. Good luck.

G-parents are supposed to be the fun ones, the ones who give gifts/ surprises and lets don't forget the candy :) Our job is the tough one! I would like to make a suggestion to take him to the park and try to encourage your hubby to join. If he declines then go on your own. Take a picnic. Try to find things to do for a few hours here and there with him to get him outside. Can you join him at the G-parents house? go swim? Try not to focus on what your husband doesn't do and try to focus on what you can do. I think some men, not all have a hard time being unselfish. They have a hard time not thinking of themselves. If he has a physical job then maybe he uses that to wind down and just takes it too far too long. Don't beat yourself up. Kids say very blunt things sometimes, he still loves his Momma!! Try to step out of your routine a little and be a little more adventurous. It's never to late to try something new and different, you may bond in a deeper more meaningful way then ever before :) (((HUGS)))

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great website
talk with your son, they understand more than you think. Tell son and your husband about your frustrations. Apologize to your son when you snap at him. Tell him, I'm sorry I am just frustrated @ ________, not you. We are human we make mistakes .
Our job as parents (besides loving our children) is teaching them. What behaviors are you and your husband teaching?
not everything costs money. Sometimes all it takes is rolling around on the floor with your kids.
Your not a bad mom. Just a frustrated one.
Good luck
D.

Kids a lot of time prefer grandparents b/c they get all the fun and none of the discipline that parents dole out. HOWEVER, it does sound like you know that you could do better on certain areas. #1 on my list would be to talk with the hubby about his video game playing. He needs to spend time with his son. Stress that he will grow up idolizing him and wanting to be like him and it's your husband's duty to be guide him through life. In terms of what you can do, you already recognize that you're taking out your frustrations on your son. We've all done this and it's normal if it's infrequent but if you find yourself doing it constantly, there's a problem. Fix what's frustrating in your life and make every attempt to not have your son bear the brunt of your frustrations. and why don't you go outside much? Kids love being outdoors. I get lazy too but I force myself to take him outside frequently b/c that's where they have the most amount of fun! Try going to a local park. Meet other moms (try meetup.com) and that might provide you with teh support system you need if your husband refuses to change. Finally, you're concerned about your son's happiness and the fact that you're asking us for advice reveals how much you love him. Just make sure your son feels that love from you regardless of life circumstances and take comfort in knowing that a lot of 3 year olds push parents away and prefer grandparents. All you can do is your best. Good luck,

CHildren will have their favorites - and then change to another favorite. Doesn't make you a bad Mommy... tho your husband, he needs to work on being a better Daddy.

I have to remind myself often, not to use my anger towards someone else to another person I am not mad at. I tell my daughter when I'm angry to give me some time, no talking for a little while - Mommy's mad but not at you - but if you keep talking to me or asking me/needing me for something while I'm angry - I will be mad at you too - so just let me be for a bit. I've been doing that with her since she was 4 and it works long enough (usually) so I have time to cool off).

Maybe start a project of your own with him. Playdough, puzzle, games, draw a picture together and then frame it , bake cookies, ask him to help you with some small chore at home. Is their a park nearby? Do not beat yourself up over this either. As mothers, we do suffer more on the emotional/ guilt side with our kids. Especially if they are upset or sad with us. My son just the other day told me I was mean, and that I yelled at him( he talked back to me, and I had sent him to his room). I felt terrible, but knew that I needed to discipline him. I probably shouldn't have yelled, but sometimes it comes out!
As far as wanting to be with your parents- every kid loves going somewhere else. My son can't wait when we have company, or when we visit my parents. It's extra people who pay attention to him. I think that is probably the main reason why he is upset. He wants attention and stimulation. It's an honest feeling he has, and as parents, use this as a lesson.

Right now we live with Grandma & Gpa ... my son (4) asks when Gma is coming home all the time b/c she (makes me nuts) will cave when he wants something. Right now, I am counting calories and all that jazz, so I am no longer sharing my food ... "well I do no like you, Gma would share HER food! When's Gma coming home?" or I love "I don't like you - you're a bad mommy!" when he gets medicine or is told no about something he REALLY wants. I have even gotten "You're ruining my life!," we have teenage girls that are at the house frequently (his older cousins) ... thanks girls :/ Your child will critique you and your parenting based on their raw emotions, they equate love with like and will do so for a while to come. Does your apt have a balcony/patio? When we lived in an apartment we would have a picnic on the balcony almost daily - he LOVED it. We would also play play dough out there in the morning before it got hot (we lived in Las Colinas at the time, yeah Tx weather). You just gotta get creative, You can also lay down tarps in the breezeway and finger paint outside there. I chose the breezeway because there was TONS of shade since it was well enclosed (shade) but still airey. I am guessing your complex does not have a pool otherwise you could take him to the pool. In regards to daddy and the video games, aksing him to get rid of them all together may not be a good idea for anyone. You can ask him to adjust his gaming schedule: Daddy gets home at 5pm; unwinds15 min (change clothes, get a snack, talks to mommy etc for 15 min) then plays for 20-40 min with son ONLY (no other distractions) while you cook/prep dinner. Eat dinner as a family, then give daddy one of the bed time routine things to do (I gave daddy bath time) but you can give him reading, watch 15 min of a show or whatever daddy would ENJOY doing during the routine. Once those things are done daddy can play video games the rest of the night. Even if you do not enjoy video games, instead of leaving the room when daddy plays them watch a tv show on your IPOD or read a book in the living room NEXT to him. The point of this is to spend time sitting next to each other enjoying each other. If you have a laptop; use the laptop while he is gaming, but sit on the couch or in the same room (close to eachother but not on each other) for at least 30 min. This gives both of you the opportunity to talk about whatever, you the opportunity to get involved in the games (it really can be fun but I am a gamer girl). It is all about compromise and knowing your son equates love with like and does not get the deep meaning of love. Plus, he is a kid who's not going to love a swimming pool!?! That will constantly trump what you have going on - hello! it's an oversized bath tub!

you cant compete with grammas house. noone can. let that part roll right off of you. of course he loves you and needs you. you can't control what goes on at grammas, but you can work to make home better. you are not a bad mom. we all have room to grow and learn and continue to improve our parenting. you recognize that there are things you want to change. that's a good thing! i realized for me, that I get gripey at home. The kids are bored and annoying. But, when we are out doing something, we all enjoy each other so much more. I'm forever taking us to go swim or go to the park , or to Burger King Playland. Otherwise, it's a frustrating evening at my house. Find out what works for you.

You're not a bad mom. Just wait until the day your teenage son yells, "I hate you! Why are you always ruining my life!" -cue door slam here-

There will be many times in his life that he will be dissatisfied with where he is right now. Don't you recall times from your own childhood where you just wanted to get away from your parents or weren't happy where you were?

Don't take it personally. I also can't provide all the amenities that my parents can provide for my kid and there are times where she laments that she is here and not there. However, as long as you're there with love and understanding, promising that you will visit them as often as possible and talk about all the great things you DO have right where you are, things will be ok.

He loves you. Be confidant in that.

You are being a great parent by allowing him to enjoy his grandparents. Think of how wonderful he has it to be able to enjoy their house/ pool/ attention. Grandparents offer patience/activities/resources that we parents cannot. When he says that he wishes that he were there instead, just smile and agree with him how lovely it is to visit there and how much they love both of you and how you can both go soon and have a visit. Make yourself be on his "team" and his side and scheme what you can do together. Maybe make cookies to take to grandparents! Make some artwork together for them...a fathers day card (and one for hubby). He of course loves you...and when you do these activities together on a team, then you will feel that love more.

I made my other half get rid of the video games.
As far as the baby... its a phase with "wanting" the grandparents more than mommy or daddy.

Try asking your husband (in a calm manner) [I had to learn to talk calmly and it was very hard for me] to teach him how to play football, basketball, etc. If that doesnt work it may be time for a serious talk between you two. Try not to yell at the baby he doesnt understand you arent mad at him. He just understands the tone of voice.

Get away from the house with just you and your baby. Go to the park, mall, museum, pool for a date with him.

I know as a mom and female we all need to vent. You can talk to me if you would like.

Who didn't want to stay at gradma's house all day?! Somehow it was always more fun there.

Its really hard to be a mom. The chores and work can take up all your time but I will say this....they grow up so fast so you have to MAKE the time (and so does dad) to do get out of the house or do things together with your son.

You need to try and make a schedule and make a time slot for play time with your son. I know it's hot but the library has toddler times and activities and it is FREE. Go to the park in the AM before it gets hot.
If you can't think of things to do, just google "activities for 3 year olds" or something like that. Tons of resources on the internet for "mommy and me activities".

I was in a an apt. temporarily when my daughter was 3-4 after a divorce. I had to force myself (was a little down during those years) to get up and get outside with her, go to the park, go swimming, go to chuck e. cheese. SHE CRIED when she had to leave her grandparents house too b/c she got all the attention there. It made me feel TERRIBLE!
It's been 7 years and I still remember her not wanting to leave their house.
I still remember feeling like a bad mom to her and wish I could go back and done so much more with her during those important years.

Your husband needs to get off his butt and spend some quality time playing, reading with his son. These are crucial bonding years and he will never get them back. Three year olds need stimulation and not TV and video games. NOT THAT I was perfect mommy, my kid watched TV too but it sounds like your husband needs to kick it up a notch.
Maybe go to the library and get a book on toddlers and you and your husband could read together so that he "gets" what is important for your son without it feeling like you are nagging him.

You HAVE TO SET and PLAN THE TIME to do things with your son. It will not just fall in your lap. Laundry, cooking, cleaning and errands will take ALL your time if you let them.

Once you have that bonding, quality time with your son, you and he will have a closer relationship and he will be telling you he loves you all the time. Doesn't have to cost money, just read books, go to the park in the AM before it gets hot. Set up some playdates with friends with little ones. Make the time, you never get those years back.

You're not a bad mommy! Kids say mean things and don't always mean them. :) Listen, it's hard to be a mom and it's easy to get frustrated and raise your voice. All parents do that. I have found though that when my kid is driving me the craziest it's best to pack up and get outside. He's transformed by time outside and usually I am too. :) As far as your husband, I can't tell you what to do. It would be great if he could hang w/your son more.

This might help lighten your mood:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8aprCNnecU&feature=re...

I'm so sorry you are feeling down. Grandparents are the 'fun' people and we can't compare with them!
I'm inclined to say that it's just a stage that your son is going through. For the first (almost) three years of my son's life, he was a total 'daddy's' boy and wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I felt terrible! If I tried to get close to him, he'd cry. This made me so upset -- afterall, who was the one at home taking care of him, making him his dinners, bathing him, cleaning up his messes, changing his diapers, etc, etc??! ME! But, he only wanted "Dad" since Dad was the fun parent. I 'googled' my concerns about children favoring another parent and the best response I read went something like, "Don't worry about it. All kids go through these stages. First they hate Mom, then they hate Dad, and when they're grown up they'll hate you both." Hilarious, but probably true, and it made me feel a little better when I was crying my eyes out, too.

I'm sorry. Can you get your son out of th house to the local park. Push him on the swing or go on the see saw with him. Get a pack of cards and play memory games. I know sometimes its hard to yell. I'm guilty of that when I've had a particularly long day at work with people at work yelling and screaming. I seem to be short fused. But we have these kids a short time till they leave. I work very hard to keep that out of control to a minium. Seriously we expect them to be perfect but we arent? Something wrongwith that. I want my daugther to want to visit me when she's older.

Those things do NOT make you a bad mommy. My parents keep my kids while I work and there are MANY evenings where when they start crying for their Gigi. I would definitely talk with your husband about the video games and possibly playing them after your son goes to bed in the evenings or maybe even findin some that your son could play with him. I know that as moms we get so caught up in doing things around the house, being a good wife, etc. that sometimes we take our frustrations out on our kids (I know that I do). Try to incoporate some activities you can do with your son into you schedule. If he wants to help you with things around the house, let him help. I know it's easier to just do it yourself but it makes them feel special when you let them help, even with little things like helping you put clothes in the dryer. I yell at my kids a lot more than I would like to and I'm working on that. Just try to find some things that y'all can do together. You're not a bad mom! Hang in there!!

A friend whose a grandmother says they "the grandparents" have the luxury of spoiling their grandkids and can now see the difference now that she's a grandma. Before, she was too busy being the parent and that's what I think you are experiencing. We are too busy being the parent, making sure we raise our kids right that we sometimes don't get to do alot of the fun things with them that they like. I think that's what grandparents are for...to build memories and spoil our kids so that they experience various things in life.

Sounds like an emotional time for you, but don't beat yourself up too bad. Life often gets in the way of a lot of things we wish we had time for. Take advantage of the help you get from your parents and be okay with the things they allow him to do and at the same time, start making special moments and memories with you and your son.

Be Blessed!
Kim

Hang in there! I have been short with my son for something not related to him. I am not proud and vowed to think before I did that again. My son also went through that phase. Everytime I would discipline my son he would cry and say he wants to live with my parents or even worse his dad who shows up for the fun things but is really no example of a real dad. It would make me so upset but as a dear friend pointed out, I am doing the best I can for him. Spend some quality time with him each day and be his parent. Don't beat yourself up over what you can't give him, and start focusing on what you have given him. If you look around there are far worse examples of parents out there.

He's 3.
It's a tough age to be and a tough age on parents as well.
And kids will try to push your buttons.
They tend to say things like "I don't love you" or "You're not my friend"
and it hurts, but you can't take it seriously or let them know they got to you.
When my son said I wasn't his friend I told him he was absolutely correct.
Friends come and go and I'm with him through thick and thin - I'm your Mother and that's SO much better than any friend.

As far as your husband goes - well that's a different matter.
Some family counseling might help.
He can save his games for retirement - right now he has a family to raise and enjoy and they grow up faster than you think.
He's not always going to have a toddler around who will think he's larger than life.
This is the time for him showing his son fire trucks or going to county fairs together.

Not sure you're religion but I LOVE the book "A Mom After God's Own Heart". It has really helped mold me and change my perspective to be more how I wanted it to be and to be a better mom overall, imo. Good luck!! He DOES love you though, he's just at an age where he is HEAVILY influenced too!