My Mother will not listen when we ask her to let my daughter grow up & get a job. Daughter is 19, takes 2 classes at junior college, and will not get a job yet. She thinks she is helping her. Any Ideas? Thanks.
I guess I should have given a bit more information. Grandma set up a 529 and another small fund for grand-daughter 19 yrs ago, so her school expenses are paid for. Grandma bought a car about 8-9 months ago, grand-daugther did not have a job at the time, my wife & I had told my mother not to get her a car. Daughter was not ready for a car, did not have a job to pay for ins or gas etc.
Grandma also privodes a small allowance, I think that is just a way to manipulate her grand-daughter to come visit her.
We have tried to explain to my mother, that she was not helping her grand-daughter by providing everything for her. She has no incentive to get a job, and is not gaining any experience in dealing with the small issues in life. Grand-daughter has chosen to live with her other grandma ( mother's mom), for the last 9 months, so her housing is covered. I just hope she learns how to take care of herself and get & keep a job. My wife & I are very willing to help her, IF she helps herself. Thanks for all the responses so far.
Maybe you should ask Grandma to pay for a semesters tuition instead of handing out cash. The 19 yr old might be a responsible girl or she might be blowing the money on nonsense. There are ways to help without tossing in cash where you don't know where it's going.
The short answer is it's Grandma's money and she can do with it what she likes. Perhaps you should talk to your daughter and tell her that it's not right to leech off of Grandma.
You could talk to your mom about your concerns, "Hi Mom. I know you're doing Daughter a favor by giving her cash, but could you let up a bit? I'd like Daughter to get a job and she won't if you keep funding her activities. I know you love her, and I appreciate all you've done for her, but I think it's important that she earns her spending money. But, if you don't want to do that and she doesn't want a formal job, maybe she can come by once a week and clean your house? Well, at least think about it. Thanks, Mom. I love you."
Hope both of them listen to you!
Oh, that's tough because she's completely enabling your daughter and overstepping your parenting preferences.
That being said, 19 years-old is legally an adult.
But, at 19, I was out of college for financial reasons and working 3 jobs to send myself back as an out-of-state student. At the end of my 15 month sabbatical, I had purchased my own car, was paying my own health insurance and had saved $17K for school the following year.
I've learned a lot about life the hard way, and I appreciate those lessons more than anything. Making $6/hour as a room service operator at 6am stinks, and when I did get back to school, I was a MUCH more focused student.
I'd recommend trying another conversation with your mother to explain why you don't want her to subsidize your daughter's life. If she wants to give her money so badly, ask her to put it into a CD, a Treasury Bill, a private savings account that can accrue and build as time goes by so she has a start to her nest egg.
Good luck - sorry you're having to face this battle when you're the parent.
Good luck with this one. Grandmothers will do what they want to do. They are grown women and they love their grandchildren. If she has the money, I don't see how you can stop her.
However, I would talk to my daughter and tell her that Grandma is on a limited budget, and at her age (19) taking money is like taking advantage. Try to get your daughter to realize she's an adult and she shouldn't be milking her Grandma for funds. You might have better luck that way.
What does she think she is helping her with? Meaning, does you daughter tell her she can't put gas in the car, can't eat, etc? What does your daughter tell her the money is for?
If your mom won't just stop giving her money, maybe ask her to give your daughter gift cards for certain items instead (fast food, gas, etc.) I know this doesn't completely solve the problem but at least it limits what your daughter can spend the money on so if she wants to just have "fun" money to spend on things she'll have to go get a job. Just a thought for a compromise.....
Good luck,
K.
Start sending your Mother the bills from school :) My daughter is 18 and she is a Junior in High School and she has begged me for nails, I have told her over and over until she can afford to keep up the fillings herself, No!
I have not yet forced her to get a job yet because I want her to finish school and find a job in the summer. But her grandmother took her two weeks ago and let her get her nails done. I was not happy about it but knew in a week or two she will ask for money to have them filled in.
Fine, now it's time for her nails to be filled in and it's Prom weekend. I told my daughter to call her grandma, she asked why and I told her because she allowed you to get them and she paid for them. I told you no, now you need to call her yourself. I also called my mother in law just last night to let her know that she was ready to have her nails filled, when is a good time for you? She asked what I was talking about and I reminded her of "why" I told my daughter no, she now see's the problem. "Oh, I see she says, well let me see if grandpa has the money". I don't think this will happen again.
What I told my mother in law is you are not teaching her to take care of herself, I had to work when I was a teenager and so did you. What if something happened to one of us? Who will take care of her then? She needs to learn to take care of the simple things so when big issues come up and they will she will be ready.
At our kids ages, money isn't what we should be just handing them. Advise is and guidance and then if money is an issue teaching them to repay it will only help them later on. Repaying with cutting the grass or cleaning the garage out or clipping grandpas toe nails! That's the best one.
Grandparents do not realize that they are really not helping just getting in the way, it's hard for them I think we just need to remind them it's our turn to raise our kids and them helping the grandchildren is helping you. So asking the parent first before handing over money should be the first rule.
If you have a daughter close to the same age of mine, your parents must have grown up the same time and money was hard to come by and I'm sure she means well and wants to give her what maybe she could not give you when you were young. If she insists maybe she should give the money to you and let you make that decision for your daughter. Remind your mom what it felt like when her Mother or worse, Mother in Law stepped "butted" in. Good luck!
B. C
one more thought: let your Mom & your daughter read this forum!
I honestly don't think there is anything you can do about it. She is an adult and is able to make her own choices. The Grandma has done much more than most grandparents or even parents will ever do which is pay for college and help financially. I would give anything if my almost 12th grade son's grandparents on either side would have or could have been able to do the same for him. If you didn't make her get a job at the age of 16 when she was still legally under your household then you're going to have a hard time now since she's grown up her whole life with being given everything from spending money to school clothes, etc. I insisted that my son get a job when he was 16 last summer so he has now been working for several months and buys all his own stuff including school clothes. I don't make him buy his clothes, but he has learned that we are on a budget and he wants name brand stuff from the mall so he is willing to work in order to buy what he wants. He has grown up so much. I just followed the same standard as my parents did when I was a kid. If I wanted the "extra's" and wanted to drive, I had to get a job.
At this point, your daughter is living with her grandma and is in a certain way of life so you'll probably just need to back off a little and be happy she is going to college. If you really want her to feel the sting of things then stop helping her all together. No cash, no clothes, no gas money, car insurance,nothing. If the grandma wants to bear the burden then let her. Your daughter will grow up soon enough and living with grandma won't be cool forever and she'll move on to bigger and better things. Just try to enjoy life with them and be happy for the little things. She's not on drugs, she is probably a good kid, she is healthy and she loves her family. She's in school (a very good thing). You have a lot to be proud of. Oh, and if you have other younger kids, learn from this situation and encourage them to get a job at 16 so they can feel the accomplishment of earning their own way and be used to that by the time they leave home.
D.-
You can't make it stop, but maybe you can get Grandma focused on paying for books, school, rather than hand out cash willy nilly. Maybe you can ask her to limit the amount she gives for "incidentals" to $20 a week or less. That'll pay for gas to and from school or a bus pass or one movie with friends, or a pedicure once a month, but doesn't promote a lifestyle of mooching. Ever try to make $20 last longer than a day or two?
Good luck on this
S.
Some people are of the opinion that NO student should have to work, because their education should be their sole focus. If that's your mum's opinion... you won't change her mind.
My suggestion would be to try a different tack and talk with your daughter.
I think you should be more thankful for this Grandma. She is providing for her Grand daughter. I believe your daughter IS growing up. She is taking classes at the junior college to help her out in life. You should not demand so much from a child. We are only young once. I am 32, got married when I was 19... talk about growing up!
Let the grandmother spoil the grandchild. Neither one will be in your life forever.
what about having your mother put it in a bank account for her until she is 21 or so. she will then need it when she is out on her own.
