How Can I Handle These Horrible Meltdowns?

To me... It sounds like NORMAL 2yr old behavior.

Neither of my kids threw tantrums in public. I used to though.

I simply tell my kids (or told in my 7yr old's case), when you've had enough screaming, let me know. Then we can talk about why you're screaming. I'm not screaming and throwing a fit, so please don't scream at me. That worked every time with my now 7yr old daughter. It's working quite well with my 2 1/2yr old son as well. When he's done with his tantrum, he comes to me and says, 'I done mommy. Can I have snack, peese?'

Hi D.---I think that tantrums result out of frustration for little ones. A 2 yr old simply does not have the skills to rationalize a situation and control his emotions. Having said that, it still is frustrating when they occur, especially in public. My kids are older now and I hardly remember how we handled these situations. At this point, I recommend checking the website www.askDrSears.com and see what the 3 Sears pediatricians have to say about toddler behavior/tantrums. I have the pleasure and honor of working with these great doctors through my wellness education business and I would trust their advice without question.

Good luck. I'm sure this is a temporary situation and you will get through it. D.

I'm going to echo Diane M's suggestion to go to the Dr. Sears website. Those guys are very good.

The best thing you can do is to head them off if you see them coming. Try to notice what sets him off or whether or not hunger or being tired is a fact0r. Obviously we aren't always able to do that and we have to deal with a meltdown when it happens. The best thing you can do then is to acknowledge his feelings, "I know you really wanted to watch Dora, but we have to go to the store." Be kind, but firm on what needs to happen. Then, let him be. He will get over it. If you keep trying to talk to him and/or trying to convince him to agree with you, you're just going to make it worse.

Acknowledge his feelings, be nice, move on.

He is frustrated/angry/etc. about something and is using tantrums to express that because he doesn't have another way. If you ignore the tantrum, that doesn't help him, if you "punish" him that doesn't help him, if you distract him, it doesn't help him. Try to figure out what is causing the tantrums. It might not be the immediate thing that happened right before it. As another poster said, try to prevent the tantrum in the first place. Always acknowledge his feelings (even if you diagree with them), put names to the feelings and look at things from his perspective. Over time, he will learn to tell you that his angry/frustrated/etc., rather than having a tantrum and you can talk about it with him.

Our parents called them tantrums. Different kids have them in different ways. My now 14 yr old daughter would NEVER have a tantrum in public but would have a 45 - 90 min tantrums at home. She'd drop in the hallway crying, kicking, screaming, etc. I'd have to step over her, work around her, etc. My now 11 yr old son was different - he'd have his tantrums wherever he was but they'd only last 2-3 minutes at the very most. He would drop right in the middle of the grocery store aisle, on the dirty, filthy floor.

The key is to not give in to their demands. Realize first that they are still learning about the world. They want things to be the way THEY want them. Don't we all!!! So it's a learning process. When he doesn't get his way he tries to figure out what is going to work to make you do what he wants. He's not being bad - he's just trying to figure out what works. And if the tantrum thing works every so often, then he's going to apply it when he wants his way. He's a smart child. But if he finds out that it won't work he will stop them sooner or later.

It's really tough to not give in when you're in the grocery story and you have 5 mintues to run in and get milk & chicken, etc. and he decides that he wants that really appealing looking multicolored giant cookie in the glass case by the door. I can understand him completely - I want that cookie too! So as you run through the grocery store and he sobs and drops to the floor it's so very easy to grab the stupid cookie and give in. We all know what he just learned - that dropping to the floor and embarassing mom when she's in a hurry gets him what he wants.

It's so much harder to drag him kicking and screaming through the store to get the chicken in the very back of the store (merchandising people at grocery stores know exactly what they're doing when you have to go through the cookie / toy / cereal aisle to get to the milk, chicken & bread....) but if you grab him as he screams through the store and you manage to pay & escape with only the chicken you came to get - he's learned that the meltdown doesn't work.

The only people who'll be horrified that you're dragging a screaming child through the store are people who've never had kids. Who cares. What is your goal here - to impress people you don't know or to raise your child to understand that tantrums are not appropriate?

I wish I could say I applied this evenly through my years - HA! I've not. But I've been apply to apply it most of the time to the point where my kids expect me to say no more than yes.

It's not easy - kids do embaress us - they still do when they're teenagers - maybe more than when they're little since we expect more from them. But the thing I have to keep reminding myself of is that my job is not to worry about what other moms in the school yard think, or what strangers in the mall think - but what's best for my kid in the long run. It's not easy. But it's much better for your kid to learn the hard lessons of life from you, who loves them, when they're young than to learn them from the cold cruel world when they're older.

Take a deep breath and try to refocus on what's best for the child you love - you can do this. Good luck mama!!!

I always say, you need to excercise, discipline, and love, in that order. Kids have huge amounts of energy and need the opportunity to burn it off, then they need rules, boundaries and limitations, then when those things are going well, there will be plenty of opportunities for real quality loving. The excercise is the most important and should be given more weight because, it gets rid of the excessive energy, whioch only leads to trouble and it causes the body to need fuel, so you don't have any of the eating problems you hear about, kids are hungry and they will eat the healthy food you provide and they won't have loads of energy to fight or be stubborn about it. If you have them eating regular, then they will be pooping regular and drinking properly and thus you eliminate those problems too. Also, if they are excercising, they get TIRED and that casues them to take naps very easily and to go to bed at night very easily and once they are getting enough sleep, then they don't crave the sugar as much during the day and they tend to have a more balanced mood. So you don't have anymore sleep issues either and so then when you enforce your rules, boundaries and limitations, you have a child who is able to accept them without much argument. This is when everything is running smoothly and then you get lots of loving cuddly moments.

So, I say beef up your excercise or physical activities with you son. Then set up your rules boundaries and limitations that stay consistant from day to day. All the rest falls into place and you will notice that he will be fighting you less and less. Hope this helps you, it is the basis of how I raise my two and when I see them both starting to get grumpy or arguing, I let them know that we are going to bed 30 minutes earlier than normal and the extra sleep usually helps and I always add 20-30 mins more physical activity on the agenda for the next day. Best of luck...

My son did this too. I had to walk out of restaurants and stores with him kicking and screaming many times. I had to teach him that it isn't appropriate to tantrum in those places. Under no circumstances would I give him what he was tantruming for. At home, I would put him on his bed and tell him he could come out when he was done crying. He eventually starting taking himself to his bed to have a good cry and then come out happy as ever.

A quick distraction to their outburst is KEY. As soon as my son starts, I tell him to "sit!". He sits right there...wherever we are. And frankly, I don't care if people look or not.

I treat it as an immediate time out (although I typically just make him sit until he regains composure). Then just like a time out, I go down to his level and explain that his crying/misbehaving is not acceptable ... he says sorry and we hug it out.

Hope it works for you too!

I have heard that The Difficult Child is a great read that is very informative on the subject of kids who tantrum. My kids were not tantrumming kids, for the most part. I don't chalk that up to me being a better parent than someone else... but the few times their behavior did border on tantrums, I basically ignored it and did what I needed to get done (if in public) or walked away and ignored it (at home).
But again, I think as far as temperament goes, my kids were on the "easy" end of the spectrum. All kids are not. It doesn't necessarily mean that I was a better parent or that someone else is doing something wrong... it just means my kids personalities are such that it wasn't as big of an issue for us, or was more easily managed. And that other kids have different personalities/temperaments. That is what I understand the book discusses. It can't hurt to give it a read.

The Difficult Child: Expanded and Revised Edition by Stanley Turecki
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http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553380362/

Is he getting enough sleep? Naps? I do not dare take my 2 y/o anywhere unless he is well rested and fed. If not, its a complete mess. If I cant get out during those times, I just wait for my husband to get home so I dont have to take him. Plus, getting out alone is fabulous!

My daughter never did that in public. But when we were home I would just ignore her until she was done. She did not get a reaction from us and would eventually calm down and tell us that she was sorry. My only saving grace was our one cat Lucky. He seemed to get her to calm down.

Been there. Survived that!

I always did two things.
1. Had my child sit in their regular stroller. It had a tray for a drink and snack and it reclined. It makes shopping a bit cumbersome, but once you get the hang of pushing the stroller while pulling the cart, its really quite easy.

2. I always had a bagging of snack chips and a drink in my bag. When they start asking for this or that I hand them the snack and say 'ask me when your done with this.'

Doesn't fend off all tantrums, especially ones over toys, but it usually offers enough of a distraction for me to move to another aisle.

M.

Though a 2yo won't ever behave like an adult, there are fairly reliable methods for eliminating much of the mutual frustration the two of you will experience during the next couple of years. While some steps require a bit of advance planning or extra patience from you, overall, you'll spend way less time and energy than you would if dealing with behavior that isn't evolving in a positive direction.

Here are a few of my favorite tips. When he wants something, empathize, big time, and in the child's language. I love the advice of Dr. Harvey Karp on how to get on a tantruming toddler's wavelength in this and several related videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6KnVPUdEgQ&feature=re... . Once your "little" realizes you do care about what he wants, he'll be more able to calm down and cooperate with what you need from him.

And there are lots of positive ways to approach this, rather than just saying no. They hear NO! so often, and they can be so frustrated. So look for ways of finding a mutual "yes," and save "no" for those occasions when children are trying something dangerous.

Keep it playful, and keep it respectful. This is important, thought it's really hard to practice if you're feeling frustrated or embarrassed by his behavior. But children learn primarily through imitation and play. You may need help with this if your parents didn't model a lighthearted and kind approach when you were little. The book Playful Parenting is a great resource. Your son's sense of humor is developing, crude though it may be.

This one generally helps a lot: give advance notice when you'll want him to be doing anything differently, especially when he's grooving on some activity/play. Children absolutely hate having to make sudden transitions. With my grandson, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("We're going to go to the store / have lunch / take a nap pretty soon." … and then a second alert a minute before making the change.)

Do your best to arrange your day to keep demands low when he's tired, over-managed, hungry, or sick. He won't have any emotional reserves left with which to cooperate. Adults struggle at those times, too. There's also the possibility that he's having toxic meltdowns, from food colorings and preservatives or nerve-irritating chemicals from his environment (scented products like detergents, air fresheners and fabric softeners, strong cleaners, even auto exhaust.)

Get to know his most likely trouble-spots, and plan ahead. For many kids, it's when they want some tempting object or food they've seen. So keep those things out of sight when possible. Be prepared with a distraction – for example, another toy he likes when you have to take something away, or a healthy treat when he wants a junky snack. Laughter, introducing a new game, a few twirls and bounces, hugs or tickles, a goofy song, can help break into his determination to get something he wants (that short attention span is both a curse and a blessing).

Your toddler is facing some seriously frustrating years – he's been learning that the world is FULL of intriguing objects that he desperately wants to interact with, but isn't able to for any number of reasons. He'll gradually learn alternative ways to handle his frustration – give him words to express himself so the meltdowns become less necessary. And his capacity to be patient and delay gratification will increase dramatically in a couple of years.

What are the little things that are provoking the tantrums? Are your son's tantrums frequenly triggered by not getting what he wants, or recieving a "no" answer? Do his fits center around frustration in routine changes? Is he having tantrums all day throughout or are they at similiar times each day? First you need to identify what provokes your son and then you need to asses how much your two year old understands? You may overestimate his comprehension or underestimate it! There are a few very simple tips I could give you to addressa nd eliminate the tantrums if you can answerthese questions. Start keeping a record of his tantrums. Write the date time, and happened to provoke the tantrum, what exactly he did during the tantrum, and then the consequence of his tantrum. For example if every time your son wants a piece of candy and recieves a no answer he throws himself on the floor and screams or even hits and kicks you give him the candy to stop it. Giving him the candy is the consequence of his behavior. What provoked the tantrum was hearing NO. then he tantrums and recieves the consequence of getting what he originally wanted, the candy. As a parent we are often too emotionally involved in the immediate situation to really look at what is happening and why without predjudice. It helps to write it down in order to identify patterns and be able to implement techniques that will prevent tantruming and deescelate a tantrum that has started without doing something that may have them continue in the future.