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Hi J.!! I TOTALLY get what you are saying and I just want you to know I don't think you are depressed at all. Just a perfectly normal mom and wife who would like to hear what a great job you are doing! We all need to hear that once in a while and there is nothing wrong with wanting to hear the words. Just hang in there adn if at all possible--try to get out at least once a month or so and get a massage, facial, or something that would rejuvenate you. You deserve it!! :) C.

You know, you got a lot of good advice from ladies about getting "out there" to do something for yourself. So true. I can tell you, though, that I have lots of things I'd like to do, and I just don't see how to make it happen without letting go of other things that I find to be so important.

The thing is, I think I hear something from you that seems to have been overlooked. What struck me about your post was that you seem to be thrilled and grateful with your current situation, but you're not getting the feedback that tells you that you're not only appreciated, but also adored.

Don't get excited because I have absolutely no advice for you...I just wanted to say "I hear ya, girl!" I was the "best of the best" in high school and college. Multi-talented. "Who's Who". I could have done any number of things and yet I burned out and got married instead. I felt and still feel so fortunate to be doing what I do, both in the first (abusive) relationship, and my second (dream) life. I cannot imagine doing anything else right now, but if I'm being honest, I've gotta tell you that I'm stagnating. The infuriating part, for me, is that (once again) I am not recognized as having made a job choice. I could be out there doing something the world regards as important, but I choose to be home. These days people seem to appreciate the concept of a stay-at-home mom, but they have no idea what the job actually entails -- we're still taken for granted. Most of what we do is invisible and frankly, the better we are at our job, the more psychologically exhausting it is. "What do you do all day?" Haha. One day I pointed out to my husband that his job must be so easy and low stress. You know -- he sits at a desk and reads stuff...talks on the phone...gets treated to really great lunches...gets to sit around and think...gets to wear fabulous clothes...DREAM JOB!! What was funny was that I was so convincing in my sarcasm, he actually thought I thought his job was easy. And guess what -- he was hurt and offended. And this is from a man who gets daily feedback about how smart he is and what a great job he is doing, and major kudos at LEAST weekly from big, important Dallas people. HE'S offended?

Anyway, I digress. The point is, I generally get nothing back but more work to do. (Although the second I start to seriously feel sorry for myself, without fail, one of my older kids gives me a heart-felt expose on why I'm the best mom ever who treats them with honesty and respect. It's like there's a personal damage-control team out there for me!) Truly I am lucky. I have an amazing family and a great life. The thing is, at the end of the day even I wonder what I did all day, and yet I have no reasonable time for myself. I stay up very late, due to insomnia, and read a ton, but even feel guilty about that because then I'm so ridiculously tired during the day.

I guess what I want (not holding my breath) is for my family to have a true understanding of the hard work I do. To know that talking a teenager down off of the ledge-du-jour is not the same as hanging out at Starbucks with a friend. To know that twenty loads of laundry a week is not only a lot of folding, but is also freaking BORING. That while choosing what dinner will be, I am very well aware that there will be complaints. That wrestling clothes onto an uncooperative toddler can make you feel that somewhere along the line you failed Parenting 101. That digging up the sprinkler system to find where the leak is is really not part of my job description. That free psychotherapy is not generally available to the public at 11:30 at night the way it is at our house. I'm not sitting around reading a magazine -- I'M WORKING HERE!! And I'm tired. And, guess what? I'd like my back rubbed, thank you.

So hopefully I'm not too off-base here, and you're thinking, "Whoa! She's totally cracked!" :) I just wanted to say that, yes, having the perfect life does not preclude the feelings of which you speak. Sounds like you're doing an amazing job, and let me be the one to tell you today, "WOW! How do you do all that?!" Keep up the great work, and let me know if you find any answers. :p

before I had my little one I made the decision to live by the motto "happy momma equals happy baby". That means I take care of myself first and trust me my loved ones appreciate it lol. Take some time for yourself, don't feel you have to be super momma, if you don't have some girlfriends get some! Also - remember that you have a 7 month old so you have some hormones still that might be out of sorts as well. As far as the husband - sometimes when you make yourself a little less available while being flirty and happy, it peaks thier interest ;) For example tell your husband you are going to do dinner & drinks with the girls at the end of the week. Leave the number for delivery with him, and have the little ones at a family members or sitters so he only has to worry about the older ones. Talk about what your going to wear, try on some stuff in front of him, and be flirty. Trust me, he will be waiting for when you get home & slip into bed!
I am telling you this as an example not so you can do something for him, but the feeling you will get of a little bit of freedom and feeling desired goes a long way :)

ps - I don't where you are financially - but paying someone $10 an hour to come to the house for 2 or 3 hours a week to clean, pick up, or let you do errands goes a long way as well!!!

J.,
It sounds like you are suffering from depression. I suggest a trip to your GYN to do a hormone level work-up. I hear many women speak of this exact situation, and on many occassions, this is what has helped.
I think that all mothers feel this way to an extent. We are responsible for our own lives-- who we are, how we act, what we do, and the choices we make. If you don't want to be ONLY a mother and wife, then choose to do something else. Two of your children are old enough to be somwehat independent, and of course, so is your husband. Take some time for you-- whatever that is. Who is it that you want to be? What is it that is missing? Only you can fill that void.
If you want more from your husband, then ask him. If you want something different from your kids, tell them. Communication is the single most important aspect of any relationship.
We can't live only for our kids and husbands... we must also live for ourselves. Also, it is a myth that a SAHM should take care of everything-- dinner, cleaning, activities, etc.... I work only part-time (I am only out of my home 9 hours a week), and still all of the house chores and kid care is split 50-50 with my husband! He picks up dinner A LOT so that we don't have to spend our evenings cooking and cleaning up the mess! He also does dishes, cleans bathrooms, washes clothes, runs baths, blowdries the girls' hair, and helps with their homework every single evening. Don't take it all upon yourself-- don't think that because you stay home, you should do it all. That isn't fair, and if you don't want to be a maid or chauffer, then you shouldn't be.
Don't underestimate the power of communication or the importance of your health-- both physical and mental. Take control-- you deserve it.

J.,
You take such wonderful care of your family but are you filling your needs as a woman. Do you have friends outside of home and do you spend time with them? Do you fill your own cup up with what you need? Time away from home, doing things you love like scrapbooking or something.
Your family cant always fill all your needs. I feel this way alot. I think that My husband is my life partner my best friend. But lets be honest with one another men dont understand how to be what we need them to be 100%.
We as women need other ladies in our lives to do what we love doing to share our hearts with and share some of our time with too. We as mom take care of everyone sometimes we have to remember to take care of ourselves too.
Ok so this might be something hormonal. But I dont know...
Take a deep breath. Look at the beautiful babies and then tell them You might take a class at Joanns! Then do it for yourself
I would love to hear how it all turns out. GOOD LUCK
I will say a prayer for you!

Hi J.,
I too can relate. I am a 44 year old SAHM of two boys (3 years and 17 months) and some days I crawl back into our empty bedroom and weep after everyone is down and done for the day! It's a very hard job that requires endless patience, strength and grace to balance through out the day. I'll bet after reading all these responses at least you know that your not alone out there! :)
Without my personal faith in God I would not only feel alone but I would BE alone! When it feels like no one wants to listen to me I know that he will! He reminds me that someday I will see the fruits of my patience and work. This is a time when you are DOING that work that lays the foundation for your children and all though it gets boring and mundane, it's very important. You are doing one of the most important and hardest jobs in the world. Take pride in your work and don't forget the "Big" picture. As for yourself, it is wise to make sure you take time for yourself and keep grounded in who you are.
Sometimes just getting validated is all that you need. Well you ARE valid for your "feelings" but don't let those feelings dictate to you who you are or are not! Hang in there mommie!
C.

I always go back to Dr. Laura...sometimes I agree with her and sometimes I don't but I think she's honest about todays women. If you haven't ever listened to one of her shows listen to it and see what you think...100.7 (between 2 - 4pm)OR http://www.drlaura.com/main/ on broadcast...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mvm7moVvSs&NR=1

The following books are pretty good...I think.

The Proper Care of Feeding and Care of Marriage:
In this book, Dr. Laura focuses on how men and women need to understand and appreciate the uniqueness of masculinity adn fiminity; what the best way to relate, caretake, and nurture each other are; and how to bring a marriage back from the brink of disaster.

The Proper Care of Feeding and Care of Husbands:
Millions of American women who thought they knew about what men feel and need had their eyes opened wider by reading this book. Some of the most self-described "feminist" women have written Dr Laura with gratitude, because they are now happier in their marriages - - and it was all attitude.

10 STUPID THINGS COUPLES DO TO MESS UP THEIR MARRIAGE:
Before and during your relationship/marriage, this is a must read for an honest assessment of yourself, your partner, extended family issues, and more. There are chapters on Stupid Divorcing as well as Stupid MisMatch.

Just check her site out and see what you think.

I totally understand what you are going through...I went through that about 8 years ago and I felt like I was giving all and never recieved enough. I was so fed up with not having anything for myself and doing for the kids and for the husband. Thank goodness I stuck it out because I coming up on 18 years of marriage. I needed to do something for myself so I started taking college classes and now I am working on my Masters. It wasn't to get any specific position...it was just a goal I set for myself. My main goal was always be a mom to my children but I realized one of these days they will be gone and what will I have...now I know what I have besides a wonderful family. Marriage takes a lot of work. I never feel like I get enough love at night...LOL or enough attention from the hubby because of the kids but sometimes you just have to make time for yourself and for your husband.

When my kids were little we would have trade days with our friends where they would watch our four children and we would watch theirs and at least once a month we would go on a date. You have to keep the romance in your marriage. Sometimes we would act like we were dating and go park somewhere...of course we lived in a small town so it was easy to find a parking spot...LOL

I wish you the very best. I know being a mom is hard work and if you ever want to get out by yourself or do something for yourself...I would love to envite you to a spa party this coming up Thursday...just e-mail me at ____@____.com or even do a facial for you...no obilgation!!!

Very best of Luck

J.

Hi J.,
I think you probably speak for many of us. Try to get into a women's bible study. This really helped me understand and realte to other women. Remember God see's what you are doing and he loves you for it. Being a wife and mother is a sacrifice but your reward will be in heaven for eternity.
I hope this helps.
K.

you absolutely need a hobby! i don't care if it's a bible class or a happy hour or crafting or whatever floats your boat. explore possibilities that you always thought about and go from there. get hubby to help out more at home so you can step out from the role of mom/wife and be a woman with needs. oh and date nights are a must! weekly or monthly, simple or elaborate...they help save marriages!

Hi J.! I am 42/almost 43 and understand what you are feeling. I moved from Oklahoma to Texas almost 5 years so understand being new to the area. I felt it hard to make friends at first because I was use to working full time before moving to TX. I am now a SAHM too of two children, a step-son 9 yrs, and a daughter almost 4. I believe that we get so caught up in our family's life that we forget to take care of ourself. As women, especially staying at home, it is vitally important to take care of ourself in every aspect...even if it means the laundry doesn't get done as timely as before. If we lose ourself then we cannot be the best mom and wife we are meant to be.

You need to find something outside the home that you love to do and do it! I have my own home-based business that I am building. I love it! I get to have adult interaction, but on my time...working around my family...our family time comes first! My business allows me to always be meeting new people and making new friends.

We live in north Fort Worth/Keller ISD so if you want to get together, shoot me an email at ____@____.com. I'm always up for meeting new people.
Hope to hear from you. D. :)

Most moms feel this way at one time or another. You are busy being wife and mom you stop being J.. I get that.

For me I don't even remember who I am ts been so long since I've had to think about it.

Don't wait til your kids are 18 and out of the house to try and get to know you again. Do it now. You won't be sorry. And don't feel like your being selfish. A happy mom is a better mom.

IF the hubby is making you feel neglected or taken advantage of, talk to him. If he's so great and wonderful, he'll understand that you too need gratitude. You need to feel like you've done a good job (hair looks nice, meal is great, house looks fab). Let him know that when he leaves the house he goes to work and gets to interact with ADULTS and that you too need that stimulation in order to be healthy.

I also want you to be aware that with the new stay at home mom situation, your hubby mught be feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders now and be under allot of stress as well. Worth exploring. He too may need validation about what he's doing and if it's appreciate.

In re: Porn. If he watches it and needs it, it can ruin a marriage. If you find that it is where he needs to get his release...mught wanna try counseling. I just had a friend lose her relationship because of it. And I don't want this to happy to you.

Good luck. Sending good thoughts your way.

J.,

I know exactly what you're talking about. You feel empty, because you don't have or make time to refuel...and no one else is doing it for you. lol You need to take time out for you- no kids, no husband, just you...and maybe a few of your friends. ;)

If you can't get away from family, then get away from home. One of the BEST memories of family time was a night we stayed in a hotel. It was so much fun! We went to dinner, then went to the hotel, where we went swimming and watched movies and just had fun. I didn't have to worry about cleaning dishes or the house or see that pile of clothes that reminded me how much more I had to do. No pets to feed or walk. (We did that before we left, and since it was only over-night, they were fine.)

Whether you spend time taking a warm, bath soak, painting your nails, or studying your scriptures, it doesn't matter, as long as you are enjoying it and refueling yourself.

I hope you have a great time! :)

J.,
Wow, it sounds as if most of us have felt your way at some point in our lives as mamas and can all relate! I second what every other mom has mentioned - find time to do some things just for YOU - girls' night out, shopping, hobbies, or just going to Starbucks by yourself for an hour! The best things I have found in addition to this are things that I can do with my children - playgroups with other mamas. It's a great chance to let the kids play while you can visit with other women in similar situations, and it's a great chance to meet people since you're new to the area. Men aren't always the best at expressing appreciation for what we do, but I have found validation for what I do from some great girl friends.

One thing I do which I love is Stroller Strides, which is an exercise program that you do while pushing your kids in strollers. They are offered all over the metroplex. There's also Stroller Fit and Baby Bootcamp, which are very similar. With SS, they have exercise classes several times a week, a weekly playgroup, and a monthly girls' night out. It has filled a much needed void in my life - I've gotten into great shape while meeting some wonderful friends, I have a built-in support system from moms who are going through the same things I am, and my kids love it. I highly recommend it!

Good luck to you, and please know that you are not alone. We've all been through this! And you are doing the most important job of all by being there for your family!

Hello J.,

Wow, I can relate so much that's it's almost like if I wrote it (except for the workingout part... I haven't gotten there yet). I find that more fun time with 'grouwn-ups' and more time alone with your husband can do wonders! do you like to play board games? dominoes? uno, etc. I've seen some "shortened" versions of board and card games. You need to have some fun w/ your family and probably reconnect w/ and old friend. you know, one of those girlfriends that when you tell each other stories you'll both laugh and even if you have not talked in a few years it feels like it was yesterday the last time you talked. try and set 10 minutes to talk w/ your husband about anything but: kids, household issues, politics, family members, work.

there is this game called Mindtrap and each card is a scenario where you need to figure out who did it... that can be played for 10 minutes...

sometimes I feel empty because I don't get to have a full conversation w/ anyone because of so many interruptions. whenever I get a chance I sit down and write down what's bothering me, what's making me mad and then I thank God for all my blessings and write down as many blessings as I can think of.

another thing: are you sleeping well? taking your calcium/magnesium supplement? omega 3's? vitamin D?
Now, don't feel bad if any of the answers is NO.... because I'm not doing all I should be doing either.

I've figured out that milk products make me more moody and I fell "needy" and unapreciated. I think it sends my hormone levels in a rollecoster ride. keep that in mind too.

Do tell your husband that you'd appreciate if he would check up on you from time to time. maybe he can send a quick e-mail, text message, smoke signal... but send something =) I've told my husband that. By the way, the 'boat' called "husbands don't check up on wives during work hours" is not a little boat it's more like a cruise ship. =)

books/cassetes that might help:
1. Light His Fire
2. Light Her Fire
by Ellen Kreidman
she really makes the point of how you need to "refill" yourself so you can keep giving. I have the cassete version

in one example she talks about this woman that was not very happy. she saw how whenever her husband would get home and the dog runs up to him and he would pet the dog, play with it for a few minutes and all she would get was a "hello". so one day the lady put the dog in another room and she played "doggie" when her husband got home... and he got the point! I'm not saying you need to do that, but you get the idea. we need to tell them what we need and want them to do.
her books are helpful not just in couple relationship but also w/ your kids.

I hope this helps. it helps me sometimes. You are a super mom and a super wife. It's amazing all you do and still have time to work out. You're doing great and it's not in your head. You have 4 wonderful kids and a great husband. Moms need their own cheerleaders too. We're busy being everybody's cheerleader that we forget about ourselves.

So here you go:

J., J., RAH, RAH, RAH!
J., J. is a great mom!
J., J. is a great wife!
J., J., RAH, RAH, RAH!

I hope that at least you got a good laugh. =)
have a great day!
~C.~