House Guest Has Stayed Too Long

Could be he doesn't have the money. Could be wife asked him to see how it goes for a few months before she is willing to commit to moving. I think the nicest thing to do would be for husband to take him for a drink after work and get him talking. Once the guy confides in him as to what's really going on, it will be a lot more clear how to help him.

My MIL stayed with us years ago for about 6 weeks until she found a place. While she was here, I would constantly let her know of rentals I had seen. She definitely got the hint and found something pretty quickly.

Ask him if he needs help-you can say that you've noticed he hasn't found a place and offer to help. Men are not good at these things and need that extra push.

It sounds like the wife and kids either can't sell the old house or want to stay till the end of the school year and he can't afford two places at once.

One thing for sure he isn't trying to find a house because he has your place free from rent or stress.

You need to sit down with him and say the arrangement is not for as long as he wants. He probably knows he is doing wrong by you guys but doesn't know what else to do.

I would try to help with the search. Try to find out his criteria and help bring up options. You shouldn't have to do this but the faster he finds a place the better and if you can speed it along then good. He will also get the clue that you are in a hurry for him to find something.

Are you friendly with his wife? Could you call her and start the topic of conversation by saying, "Gee, Dave seems to have not had good luck house hunting as of yet, I was wondering if are you looking on-line at listings and helping him in the process?" Poke around in a friendly/helpful way to see when she hopes to be settled in your area. Maybe she doesn't want to move until the end of the school year and that won't be much motivation for her DH to get serious finding something now. She may "get the hint" just from your call that you're interested in him moving on as soon as possible and start greasing the wheels. If she really doesn't want to be involved and isn't in any big hurry to move, DH needs to talk to his friend. Can he just say gently while you're glad to have helped him start working immediately, and he's been a good houseguest, you'd like him to move out by X date? Suggest a more aggressive realtor, renting a place first, or possibly one of those extended stay hotels. I'd cut him some slack for not looking so much during the holiday season, he will probably be more motivated now that Christmas has passed.

It's time you say you understand he wants to find the right place to bring his family, but his search is taking a bit longer than anticipated so he needs to move to a long term stay hotel to finish his search.
Also, as your husband's assistant, your husband should be very careful about appearances at work, and having an employee living with you is not a good thing.
Your husband can say it's an HR thing.
Finding a place to move his family should be all he's doing besides sleeping in his off work hours but that's his problem, not yours.
Here's a long term stay hotel in your area:

http://www.marriott.com/hotels/fact-sheet/travel/dtwtu-to...

Have your husband have a heart to heart with him. Just ask him hows it going and what the timeline looks like. It doesn't have to be awkward, just asking how things are going. Maybe that will be enough to get him into gear. Good luck!

Could one of you get in touch with the wife and encourage her to speed things along by previewing listings on-line and narrowing the search from afar? I know one thing for sure, I'd never trust my husband to select the house. Could that be playing into it?

No you are not stuck with him forever. You just have to start asking him how the house hunting is going. If he says not well, ask why.

I find when you ask a lot of questions, people get moving!

*Edit, I think when I ask questions, people probably say to others, "She started asking a lot of questions...", but I have never ruined a friendship. I don't think it is too intrusive.

Also, my BIL lived with us while he was trying to buy a house. This closing took 11 months with a stay at home mom/wife and 2 year old child.

Start asking!!!

If your husband has a talk with him he should politely give a date or definite time. Some people have to have that or they just don't get it. Don't say you need to find something but find something by........That isn't rude if you say it nicely. He's taking advantage of you all being there this long and if it keeps on it could cause bad feelings between you all and that's not good since he works for your husband.

I don't think it's rude to suggest a new realtor and then give him some contact information for three new ones.

I don't think it's rude to suggest a deadline and have your husband handle the situation in a firm but friendly way. This is, after all, his friend and employee.

I don't think it's rude to ask your guest to help out around the house with chores and, if he's being paid, help out with groceries or occasionally have him pay for when you order food for delivery or go out to eat.

There is something else going on. I would be curious to know what the wife thinks. If it were me, I would have been out there looking at homes. Maybe the wife doesn't want to move and is dragging her feet. I would sit down and talk with him. Offer to go with him. Maybe he needs a woman's objective opinion. Tell him you will look at some houses and pick three for him to choose from. Have you called the wife to ask what she is wanting in a house?

To answer your question, no you aren't stuck with another adult indefinitely. Have your husband talk with him and find out what is really going on and then give an end date to Hotel LoveBeingMommy!

If he has computer and internet access, point him to realtor.com. He can search for houses online and then make a list of ones to see. Forward the list to the realtor and get moving.

Men can have a tendency to lose motivation when they feel like they aren't "providing and protecting" their family. He's probably a bit depressed being away from his family, so a little gentle push in the backside-region may be what he needs (either from your husband or you).

If you're friends at all with his wife, I'd go that route, too. Maybe ask her how you can help them during the transition. "What kind of house are you all looking for? I'll keep my eye out for you." Or point her toward realtor.com and let her make a list to send to the hubs.

You could also ask a family member to come visit and use that as an excuse for him to get moving. "Hey, my parents are coming to visit in the end of January, and they would like to stay here. Do you think you'll be able to find a house by then?" It's a little back-door, but you sound very cautious about hurting his feelings, so just thought I'd throw that idea out there.

I would talk to your DH and come up with an end date. DH can then say that after x date, he has to find somewhere else to be. Offer suggestions on how to find housing. Some companies offer housing finding as part of the EAP (I used our EAP to find a daycare). You've been kind enough. Some people need deadlines.

My own SIL got the "you have to leave" talk from her friend post-divorce. Friend was not mean, but Friend realized that without a shove, SIL would never get out of her funk and get on with her life. Divorce stinks - but don't wallow in the smell.

My SS is one of those people that if you don't hold his feet to the fire, he doesn't get it done. DRIVES ME CRAZY. Maybe the friend is the same way. I'm also wondering if there's another reason to drag his feet, like a bad marriage?

I think if it were me I would help him along with his search and then he would get the picture. I would find him 5 houses a day to go look at! LOL....

If I thought he was not forwarding the info to his realtor I would schedule the appointments myself being as though I know his work schedule. LMBO!

I would just start out by saying something like your wife and kids must really miss you. Bet they can't wait to get here. It doesn't seem like your realtor is taking your house hunt very seriously. I could get a referral for you for a new one. And see what he says. Seems to me if he really wanted his family here, he would have found a place by now. So, I'm thinking there's something going on behind the scenes. Also, in this slow economy, I would think the realtor would want to find a rental for this guy because I'm sure he's making some sort of commission. The whole thing doesn't make sense.

My first thought was Jessica B's suggestion about saying another guest will be visiting end of January or something. See what he says about that. But don't bluff. Make sure someone really is coming!

You'll likely come across as a 'nag' if you bring up the conversation. I think your husband needs to do this since it's his friend and co-worker. But perhaps you can help in a way by pointing out the nice yet affordable neighborhoods, since you probably know the city better than him. You likely know the school districts and can help with that side of things. Some realtors have you sign a 'contract' that says you'll use them for 6 months and not go to anyone else. Perhaps that's why he hasn't changed realtors. My realtor didn't find my house though. My parents did. I called my realtor and said "Can I look at this house?" and we looked, and I bought. So realtors aren't always the best at finding what you want, but are more like your representative in the purchase.

You know those little newspaper stands outside of grocery stores? The ones with free classifieds in them? Pick up some of the house-finders and Little Nickels and Add-Sheets. Flip through them and circle a few. Give them to him and show him what's out there. Considering that interest rates are extremely low, and housing prices keep falling, it should be easy for him to find a place. Just drop some nice, yet heavy hints. :o)

Tell your DH it's TIME! DH can pick him up, shove him into the car, buy a newspaper, hand him the houses for rent section & hand him a cell phone...THAT should give him a hint!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't want to go that route, log onto your local paper & print out the houses for rent section, highlight the ones you think would fit his family & hand it to him saying (in your most innocent voice), here ---- I thought this would help, I know ---- & the kidz must be anxious to be here with you!!!!!

"Fish and company start to stink after 3 days". That's my favorite quote! :)

Seriously, you are a saint to have let him stay this long. It's time for your husband to be honest with him and tell him to get a move on.

Edit* I am not suggesting that you be rude! You don't have to be rude in order to be honest.

I'd probably offer to help him find a house to rent in hopes that I could move him along that way. Like, offer that next Saturday you'll go with him and the realtor, starting at 10am (or whatever) and say that you'll hopefully help him find the perfect rental that day!

It doesn't sound like he intends to ditch his family and live with you forever. I'd be VERY ANNOYED too, I totally hear ya, but I'd probably just leave it alone if no initial deadline was set since it's temporary and relationships depend on it. Be sure hubby stays on him to "look" and even helps him by going with him to look every weekend if necessary rather than making it comfortable to hang out and skip it. Also, some realtors stink. I was livid ours got a fee when I FOUND our house and begged and pleaded with him to show it to us. Be sure everyone is helping him look and not leaving it all to the realtor.

You're a pro at searching and moving fast, but not all people are. We have several friends who will have guests for MONTHS and think nothing of it. He sounds pretty relaxed and may have no idea it's a strain. Hang in there and keep him on course as much as possible.

Is there something in company policy about professionalism between your husband and his friend? You stated moving a lot due to military life. I know when I was in the military supervisors and subordinates, while friendly, were discouraged from having living/dating/too friendly arrangements due to others' perceptions and the threat of favoritism.

Maybe this is an angle you could play nicely to your advantage.

Start helping him by looking up potential houses on line. Maybe ask around and get a recommendation for a good realtor and drop it into conversation that you have a referral for a good realtor who can really help you out.

That kind of thing. He may or may not get the hint as with a lot of guys you sometimes need to hit them on the head, but maybe if you go out of your way to help it will push him along too.

As you run errands you could "look" at some houses-write the addresses down and tell him you drove by this cute house and thought he may be interested-or go online and look and write some down and hand it to him.

I didn't read the other responses. I would write him a note explaining how you feel and how you don't wantitto ruin ur relationship. Explain that you don't feel he's putting enough time/effort into looking. Good luck. Maybe impose a rent amount ifhedoesnt move out in two weeks. An amount greater then he's willing to pay. :)

It's okay to keep a good attitude, but he is taking advantage of you all and intentionally dragging his feet. He should be cooking for you, paying for food, going shopping, cleaning your house. You shouldn't be doing extra work from having him there.

Look, if you don't tell him that he will need to go and get a rental room, he is just going to keep this up and you won't be rid of him for 6 months. Please just step up to the plate and tell him that he must simply go get another place to live. You don't have to be rude, but you do need to be firm.

Dawn

Did you set a deadline? or was it "stay as long as you need"?

I understand that you are doing something nice for him, and believe me (I have been in his shoes) he's not too excited about living with another family. It's not easy for him either. Just remember if he's working during the week, he does need some "down time"...

I just remember we finally found a house that we loved and it took the home owners Realtor FOREVER to get back to our Realtor. I'm talking three weeks before we had an answer. We were literally on our way to signing a lease on another place when they called that if we wanted it, it was ours.

Have you contacted his wife? Maybe she can give him a push!

The longer he prolongs his finding a house for his family the longer he is away from them. His kids must miss him...

When we were house hunting we looked at around 50 homes over the period of 2 weekends. We just didn't have the time. We ended up selecting the last house....*sigh* We printed out (this was 10 years ago) all the homes we wanted to see since we lived out of state and booked the realtor for the entire weekend. Home after home after home.....and I was pregnant, too.