It's been a hard week. I posted earlier this week about my Aunt's passing and attending the funeral. I also have a cousin (exactly my age) who is dying of cancer. He has asked that any family that could make it, get together tomorrow at his home. We are planning on going.
Now for the question: I have a 6 yo girl, 4 yo boy, and 2 yo boy. Do we bring them? My daughter knows that my cousin is very sick. I ask this because it is already an intensely stressful situation and my kids are prone to being rambunctious. If we should bring them, how to prepare them? I know the 2 yo won't get it, but he is also the biggest handful. I know all the relatives would like to see the kids and they have a way of drawing attention away from the sadness of the situation. Thanks in advance.
In my opinion there is very little you can do to prepare, explaining it you will never nail the level they are at so you will end up confusing them.
Just go, make them behave and let them sort out what is going on. I have yet to find a kid that doesn't ask when they have a question.
I would ask your cousin.
If you are comfortable taking your children then take them. I like Laurie's idea of having them draw a picture or such as quiet time and giving then to him. I can't imagine anyone would expect children to be perfect . You know your family better than me, though. You are correct, children can bring brightness & distraction to a sad situation. My family has always been one to prefer having the kids around. The best we have ever been able to do with explaining is that they are going to be living with God & the Angels soon. I have a 4 yo second cousin that grew up next my Grandma's (his Great-Grandma's) and she passed a year and a half ago. He will look to the sky and make a comment about Grandma being up there. It's the best they could do & it worked for the time being. I am truly sorry your family is going through so much right now.
I would take them and tell them they need to be on their best behaviors and use their good manners.
Any family member we have ever had at the end of their lives, has enjoyed seeing the children..
Maybe have them draw pictures for him as one of their quiet activities while there visiting..
He will get a kick out of their pictures.
Hang in there. i can imagine this is very stressful and emotional for you. You can use your children for support and to cheer you up. Just ask them for hugs.. They will gladly give them to you..
I am sending you peace.
You know your children best and must decide if it will be a good scenario. Also, how close is your cousin to your children? Will this be the last time he would see them, and would he want to? Such young children usually don't fair well in these situations, whether they are rambunctious or they'll be afraid. Unless your kids are your cousin's godchildren or he requests their presence, you should leave them home.
Let your relatives know that it will be difficult for you to manage 3 young children in this scenario and ask if some of them would be willing to take turns watching them. Kids often pick up on our stress and act their worst when we need them to act their best. It's not fair to you to not have a real opportunity to visit with your cousin.
No. Truthfully these kids will get bored very quickly and with all the people it will feel like a party to them, they will not understand the somberness of the get together.
They would be very good I am sure but really, they don't need this exposure to this type of family activity.
I think also that if the kids are not around this person all the time they won't even realize they are gone, sort of out of sight out of mind. They really aren't going to remember this person in a year but they will remember the atmosphere and tension they feel. They'll see people crying in a huddle and they won't understand it.
When my MIL was dying from small cell cancer on her liver her sisters came to see her the weekend before she died. I was there and so was my granddaughter. She was a toddler and doesn't remember her at all. But she can still remember seeing one of the sisters coming out of my MIL's bedroom and she started tearing up and went to the other end of the house to weep. It really troubled my granddaughter even though she was small. She didn't understand it and developed some fearful feelings about what was in that room that my MIL had been in. She just knew that something in that room made grown people cry and she would have nothing to do with it for a long time.
I think that I would get a babysitter for a couple of hours and go with hubby. I would expect to see relatives and enjoy visiting with them in a quiet general kind of way.
On the other hand. If all the relatives coming have kids and they are all bringing them then a couple more won't hurt. So it depends on your family dynamics and what others are planning on doing.
Your cousin may find joy is seeing the kids too. My friend went to the hospital to her her gall bladder out and they found her to be completely full of cancer. She never went home. She died a week or so later. I took my granddaughter with me when I went to see my friend. This friend would come over to watch TV almost every night, she would go with us for ice cream if we were out and about. They knew each other and my granddaughter loved her. She was still just a little thing, maybe 2, but she knew my friend.
She looked at the kids, I took both my granddaughter and the baby, I held him the entire time, he wasn't even crawling yet. My friend lit up like a light bulb. She was so glad to see the kids and no one was bringing theirs. We stayed about 10-15 minutes, that was the last time I saw her. It made me feel good to see her face when she saw the kids. She told me they were a gift from God and that we should treat them as that.
So, there you go. A wishy washy answer.
I think you have to decide this one for yourself. It depends on who else is coming, if other kids will be there, if your kids are the kind to sit quietly and be still or wild heathens like my grandson. How will this mood and somber occasion effect them, and how will you feel if they go and totally act up and destroy the last time a lot of people will see this person.
To this day I have 2-3 memories of my grandmother. I remember sitting at her table for dinner and I remember her funeral. I remember standing by my mom's side and watching her cry. I didn't understand why she was crying. I am 53 years old and have this vivid memory of attending a funeral. Kids will remember things like this and do you want that?
I know this is already past. Until the end, be very sensitive to the rest of the family as well. They are the ones who are really emotional right now.
If he's well enough to make the request he's well enough to ask-- does HE want to see the kidlets?
It might be helpful to take someone along to ride herd on the kids-- do they have a favorite older cousin from the other side or older neighborhood kid that they adore who'd like to make a few bucks by riding along and helping to manage the little ones?
If you have someone to watch the kids, let them. I would not take them. The reason you are going is to visit him at his request. With 3 little ones you will not be able to do that. Not old enough to really understand what is happening. Sorry you are going thru this. Cancer is horrible.
I would take them. They do ease the tension in the room. My mom was at Sister Mary Hospice in S.A. and there were kids running up and down the hallway, laughing, and having a good time. This put a smile on my face and eased any anxiety I was experiencing. It's good to take children and pets to see people who are in hospice. Sister Mary Hospice has a room for children to "play" in among other commodities.
