Horrible Girlfriend for Teen Son Want Help on How to Handle Situations

I think perhaps the best thing you could do is take him to a teen counselor. Other than that, I think that he's going to have to learn the hard way.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

I would be talking to the school counselor and possibly getting other help. I'd be explaining to my kid that we are concerned that he isn't going to graduate. We'd be trying to help him understand that while he loves this girl and we, too, were once teens who felt our own parents might not understand us, we want to know how *he* feels about himself and his actions. It would be more of a listening time for us as the parents, letting him just express how he feels... and then I would be leading the conversation to the near future. What does he see himself doing next June? Is he graduating? Is he feeling good about how she treats him? Is she respectful to him? Does he see himself with this girl in the spring? ....

That's the road I would try to go down.... less about MY opinions about the girl, and more about options, future plans, and what sort of actions might limit his future (dropping out, failing, unprotected/premarital sexual relations) and his health.

In "A Good Enough Parent", Bruno Bettelheim writes of parents being 'the wall' which their rebelling adolescents and teens push against. The short version is simply this: if we parents, as that wall, begin to change our values to suit the rebelling child, the wall which was holding them up falls over--and so do they. All that to say, I'd impose limitations: that he has to be home by a certain time after school, that she must leave by a certain time when she visits. (I agree with the idea that forbidding this girl will only drive him closer to her out of spite.) Let him know that if his grades improve, he will have more liberty, but for now, as parents, its your job to ensure that he has enough time to study and that she may only be over at certain times which work for your family harmony.

I almost wanted to suggest asking him "well, if you were married to a lovely wife, raising a teen, how would you feel about your kid's boyfriend or girlfriend coming over and saying that you are losers for being responsible parents?" I don't know your son, if that would be food for thought or just ignored, but if it feels right, I'd ask. Not angrily, but with some sadness.

I want to add this-- sometimes, sadly, they are going to do what they are going to do. I'm a great-aunt because of this. Please try to get some family counseling for all of you. I understand that he's at an age where he wants some autonomy, but most kids don't usually just trash their lives for no good reason... there may be something else going on here. Good luck.

Is there someone else that you son respects--a coach, an older relative, or a role model? Perhaps that person might be willing to talk to your son and your son might be willing to listen to someone who is not mom or dad. I would also force him to attend family counseling with you because of the change of attitude and his problems at school. Perhaps the school counselor can suggest a private counselor to you for some family counseling. It is sad that this girl has no parental support or supervision. It is not her fault that her mother is dying and that her father is not interested in dealing with her. She could really use some counseling too. Right now she is grabbing on to your son and pulling him down and having more influence on him. I understand why you are scared. He is not responsible enough to support this girl and that may be where he is headed. Has anything else happened in the last 24-48 hours that might be increasing her desperation to get out of her current home?
Good luck!

In YOUR house, she will behave respectfully toward you or she will not be welcome. Sorry her dad is an asshat but that does not give her the right to come over to your house and run roughshod over you. She doesn't have to LIKE you, but she DOES have to be civil to you under your own roof.

I didn't discipline for grades. If she failed, she failed and would have to repeat. She knew this and kept her grades up. No one ever died from failing a class or even repeating a grade.

What Susan B. said. And (as always) what Nervy Girl said.

You're fighting the forces of young love + teen boy hormones + proving manhood here. These things together are a hurricane. Realistically, your message has a much, much better chance of being heard if it comes from a slightly older guy, someone in a coach/mentor position. To his teenage ears, I'm afraid your messages are just sounding like "Prove your independence and get some release from the hormonal drive that's been driving you crazy, vs. be a goody-goody and do what your parents say for no particular reason." You need to find yourself a "messenger" he can hear, if that makes sense.

Wow, why don't you try having just a little bit of compassion for that young woman's situation? Have you ever been the 17 year old with a dying mother and an absentee father? I HAVE. His girlfriend is having her entire world turned upside down. She is at a crossroads in her life...either her situation will pull her down or she will find some inner strength and rise above her circumstances. I promise you as someone that had this situation, it is devastating.

Your concern rightly so is to make sure that your son doesn't get pulled down by this girl. Please reach out to the school guidance counselor for help. You cannot keep them apart entirely...you will just drive them closer. Please lay out your expectations for your son to him. Treat the girl sternly but lovingly and also let her know your expectations.

I had a boyfriend shortly after my mother died and I am sure that his parents thought that I was a bad influence because I was no longer subject to many rules. However, I was a model student and was about as straight-laced as you can get. Their son had a history of getting in trouble so I got blamed for stuff that he did. They treated me badly...which I really didn't need considered the upheaval in my life.

K..

The girls life is in total upheaval. She needs stability. She is acting out with her family in distress. If her mother is terminally ill - she's 17...look at EVERYTHING she will miss out on when her mother dies....she won't be there for her wedding...her babies...she might not be there for her high school graduation. Instead of seeing her as poison...acknowledge what she is going through. Tell her you appreciate, sympathize, are empathetic to her situation. However, YOU have rules in your home and will NOT be undermined by a teenager.

Instead of trashing her. Welcome her into your home. Give her the boundaries she needs. Tell her while you are in my home, you will respect my rules. If you cannot do that? You are welcome to leave.

DO NOT try and break them up. It will only make him want her more and prove her "bad points".

At 17 - didn't you think your parents were basically stupid and didn't know squat? I know during my teenage years I thought I knew it all....oohhhh how wrong I was...

You tell your son the rules. If his grades drop? His activities are cut. If he wants to do anything with his life? He MUST be able to graduate high school in decent shape. He doesn't have to be perfect. But he HAS to try his best.

Get him into counseling. It helps to have him talk to someone other than his parents OR his girlfriend.

Make sure your son understands the cost of a baby. SERIOUSLY. They SAY they aren't having sex....take him to the store...show him the cost of diapers, wipes, formula, all of it...show him insurance bills. Make sure he KNOWS that sex has consequences...and sometimes those consequences are HUGE...and a LIFETIME commitment...is he ready to make that commitment?

Then make sure he knows about finances. Can he balance a checkbook? Does he have a savings? Does he understand what things cost? Is he responsible for the insurance on his car - if he has one? What about gas, etc? IF he has no responsibilities right now? He doesn't have a clue on what will happen to him when he gets out into the big bad world on his own.

In my opinion, this is something that should have started YEARS ago...financial planning, etc.

You need to stay firm and strong. You and your husband need to be on the same page. A united front. The rules are the rules. If he doesn't know 'em write 'em down. If you need to set up a contract with him - do it. A lot of parents are doing that now. Holding EVERYONE accountable for their actions.

You can go so far as removing the door from his room. Yes, it's extreme but if you think something else is going on? Then you need to make sure he is staying on the straight and narrow. It's not easy.

Good luck!

Sounds like she is feeling the absence of 2 parents and trying to get attention, or to make herself feel better by convincing your son that all parents are terrible.

I'd stop giving her money and supplies right away. I think it's nice if you can give her rides or dinner now and then, and see if you can get her to treat you with some manners. Can you gently tell her that a simple "thank you" and a nice direct look into your eyes can get her a more willing volunteer (you)? You can let her know that she's going through a lot but so are other kids (even if she doesn't know it) and it's a good measure of someone's character if they can rise up and be appreciative and polite.

Meantime your son needs to find a backbone and to realize he's being used, perhaps even emotionally abused. You can't let him slide just because his girlfriend has problems. (It's even possible that this girl has exaggerated her problems or even made some up.) In any case, she's not showing much character and he is affecting his life by giving her so much control.

He's going to be 18 and you're right, that's a milestone. But he's also living in your house and that gives you a lot of control. So if I understand you, he wrote some formal letters of apology but basically was forced to do so, doesn't think he did anything wrong, and it didn't change his behavior?

I have a family member whose mother never said no to her - boo too, the parents were divorced so there were no restrictions on her. She got into an abusive relationship with a gun-toting drug-dealing gang member, did some illegal stuff, got caught, went on trial, etc. Name in the paper and so on. Had a child, did drugs. Mother still wouldn't say no and kept enabling her, bailing her out, giving her money. The girl has had 2 kids and a series of ridiculous relationships, left the criminal and later went back to him and married him behind bars. She also wrote threatening notes to her mother, bad-mouthed her, and so on. The mother kept trying to sweet talk her back into better behavior but just wound up getting manipulated. The "child" is now 36 and still living off the mother, an aunt, and others.

The sooner you intervene with what he really cares about (meals, rides, roof over his head, whatever) the better off you will be. Even if he turns 18, he's in your home and on your "payroll" for his expenses. If he couldn't care less about what he did wrong, that's a huge red flag. I know you don't want him to run off with her or do something stupid, but sometimes hoping for the best is not enough. He might benefit from a very strong structure of exactly what he gets from you in exchange for privileges, and a way to earn back his computer or driving privileges or whatever. Sit down and go over the expenses of raising a teen - food, clothing, rent, insurance, gas, fun money, etc. And put a price tag on it and help him figure out how he's going to pay for that on his own if he gets kicked out. A lot of kids think that being an "emancipated minor" is great freedom - so over the finances with him. You can't be part of his rebellion and disrespect so he's got to see that he'll have a better time of it overall if he's happy. I'd definitely get him in some counseling right away with someone who specializes in adolescents.

Good luck - I know this is painful.

She has no boundaries at home, so she's testing them with you. You're right, she's crying out for a parent to intervene. Why can't that be you? You don't have to adopt her to help her. Since you've done so much for her in the past it sounds like you had a decent relationship at one time. Take her to lunch. Explain that your son has been saying hurtful things and attributing them to her, ask if there is something you have done that has offended her. Talk to her. Then tell her that she is welcome to come talk to you as long as she treats the relationship with respect, ie not badmouthing you to your son.

In many ways I was this girl. My HS boyfriend's family was very welcoming to me. I envied their family life. At some point they decided I wasn't good for their son and they stopped including me. That hurt more than they will ever know. Please don't do that to her.

I would sit them both down and have a frank conversation. I would explain to the girlfriend that you understand that right now she is going through a difficult time and that while you sympathize with her situation that does not excuse her attitude towards you and your husband.

I would also explain the rules and that you will expect them both to follow them. I would also explain the consequences of rules not being followed.

We did this with my daughter and her goofy ex-boyfriend. Actually, my husband sat the boy down and explained how he was going to treat his daughter. I was impressed.

We do punish for grades. We have grounded ours a couple of times for grades. They would be grounded until progress reports came home and then the punishment would be reviewed. If there was an improvement, the punishment was lifted, if not, it continued. Sorry but school and good grades are their job. This is what is expected of our kids.

Good luck! This age is so "drama" filled. I do not miss it at all!!!!!

You're not gonna win. Period. You will loose and not only will you loose you will loose your son in the process.

You may not be this girls mother, but you have a chance to make an impact on her life and keep your son from turning his back on you.

In YOUR home she follows the rules. Plain and simple, if she spoke to me in a disrespectful way she would leave. Instead of sending her to her room, you send her home. You need to spend one on one time with her, invite her to a girls day. You have to make the effort. If your son see's you trying and her not trying, he will get tired of it, but this falls onto your shoulders.

Then you have to remember that teens always think their parents don't know what we are talking about. That we are to strict, blah, blah, blah. That is a normal teen reaction. Add to the fact, by your own words, that this is lacking parental guidance and of course she's going to think you guys are to harsh.

Does your son have a job? If not, I'd make him get one. Then his time outside of school would be spent working, and studying to get his grades up. I would strictly limit his free time until his grades improved. I would also no longer allow her over to the house. You showed kindness and compassion to her and she repaid you by turning your son against you. Not okay! I would flat out tell her that you know what she's said about you, and that she in no longer welcome in your home. Doing these things will greatly reduce the time your son is allowed to spend with her. If he can't go out until his grades improve, and she can't come over...then what? Maybe she'll move on to someone else....One can hope!

Move?
Transfer him to a new school?
Tell him he must move out soon as he turns 18?
Start taking him round to recruiters (Army, Navy, etc).
If he's in a rush to grow up then he needs to get out there and learn the hard way.
A guy doesn't fall that much under a girlfriends spell unless sex is involved.
Make sure he has access to condoms.

Additional:
Some people seem to think the girl is crying for help/guidance/parental boundaries.
Maybe.
But - maybe not.
My sister is not content with harmony or stability - she fights it.
She's a drama magnet and creates it.
If this girlfriends siblings are dysfunctional there is a chance it's genetic - although that's not always the case - my sister and I are complete and total opposites - I sometimes think one of us was switched at birth in the hospital.
With dysfunction - some of it is nature and some of it is nurture.

Keep her close. The young relationship will fizzle in time.

It sounds to me as if this poor girl is lashing out at people she feels safe with, who she knows love her, because her home situation is so sad and dysfunctional. She can't help it that her mother is terminally ill. She didn't cause it, can't change it, can't make her mother better, and she probably has anger about it and a whole mess of other emotions she doesn't know what to do with including massive guilt. She has a father who isn't a father and sounds like a douche. She has siblings that she doesn't have a relationship with.

Your home is the safe zone.

So maybe you need to sit down with her like a parent and have a real heart to heart with her. Tell her you're worried about her and want to hear how she's doing. You want to know what she's thinking and just listen to her talk.

At another point, you need to sit down with your son and lay down some ground rules. At 18 he can see whomever he chooses and essentially do whatever he chooses when he's not in your home. But that doesn't mean that you can't establish some mutually agreed upon house rules. When that happens, bring her into it so that it's not you telling her, but he's telling her too.

Your house, your rules. Natural consequences to those rules. Establish what will happen if your rules are broken, and broken multiple times. Establish rules of respect. If he/they want to be treated with respect, then they have to give it. But at the age they are you have to work with them rather than against them.

My point is that you may need to take an approach similar to, "Keep your friends close... keep your enemies closer."

So...what's bothering you theist is the opinion of a 17 year old girl?
Stay the course.
Understand that your house/your rules could soon mean he moves out.
Have you talked to this girl about what she says about you to your son?
I mean--put it out there for discussion.

He is 17, he is a young man, no longer a child. It is normal for him to move away from his parents and towards an adult relationship. Chances are this will not be the girl he marries, but that has to be his choice as this relationship runs it course. If you try to push her away you will only push him away as well, and then how are you going to feel if he does in fact marry this girl, or if she ends up the mother of your grandchildren (there for controlling your access)? It sounds like she has a hard home life, why not be supportive and loving and see if she blossoms under that love and acceptance? JMO.

Ditto SouthernYankee and NervyGirl - have a sit down and discuss situation and expectations.