Homework Motivation

Seems to me if he wanted to join wrestling he would be willing to do his homework.....see if you can change teachers there may be issues there you dont see. something else is bothering him...does he like the man you are gonna marry?????

Hi S.,
So I may be the only one who thinks this but maybe it is the teacher. Maybe she is picking on him to use as an example to the other kids in class which makes him feel like she hates him. Kids can throw things out of perportion but think back to when you were in school. Did you ever think that a teacher disliked you? Maybe it is how he truley feels. By confronting the teacher you may not get the true answer. They will do anything to protect themselves and their jobs. One of my bestfriends is a school teacher and this year she has a kid that the mom had pulled from the last teacher because the kid said my teacher doesnt like me. The kid is now doing great in class cause she feels appreciated and smart again since nobody is picking on her. I dont know if this helps or not but sometimes our kids need us to stand up for them and belive them sometimes.
J.

Hi S.,

I'm having the same problem with my 11 yr old. School work is just a drag to him. I've tried everything. Even Spanking. And nothing has worked. He's in counseling for other issues and even that isn't helping. He just says he doesn't get it and the teacher doesn't get it and no one gets him. I'm at my wits end as to what to do too.

I've sat with him and watched him do his homework and the next day he just won't turn it in, I don't get it. What's he trying to accomplish with this?

I don't have any advice, just thought you should know someone else is in the same boat as you. I'm engaged as well. My son's shrink seems to think, that his father not being in the picture as much as he should be is affecting my sons behavior. My ex is on a ship in the Gulf now, but even when he is on land he's not really here, ya know what I mean. There's nothing I can do about that. Has your son maybe mentioned his dad to you, that could be it. Who knows really.

I'll be checking in on the advice you get to see if anything works for me. Good Luck with yours.

K.

Somtimes kids get nervous that the new man is going to take over as the man of the house and they don't like it.I think because there are more people telling him what to do he has to rebell somewhere .

Hello S.
Here are a few things we did when my daughter was in the school work/homework age.

First, she was in trouble for sloppy handwriting and not paying attention in class. A day with a photographer coincidentally showed she had a lazy eye and we did eye therapy to correct it, which worked.

Then, keep in mind, kids for some reason don't come out and say I don't understand, they just avoid things. Be sure he is understanding what is presented to him.

Then at that age, she began getting into a little trouble, so we told her to pick a sport and we would put her in it. She chose dance so we stuck her in dance classes. The other kids there brought backpacks and did homework in between classes. They brought snacks and stayed there for most of the day. They were all well advanced at dance and she wanted to be that good too. Soon, her focus was dance and following suit with the others. When the grades went down, we talked to her coach and her coach road her little behind like you wouldn't believe. We played the roles back and forth. We would tell her no dance, and her coach would say you have to be here tomorrow. Coach would tell her I don't know what is going on at school, but if it is homework bring it here, I want to see you doing it because we have competition in 2 months and you can't miss.

We also used to give her allowance in reverse. We would give her $20, for the week and take away her money (hand it over) if she did something wrong or slacked on chores.

They are a lot of work at that age. Just first make sure he is in good physical shape. It may not be eyes, but allergies and other things can get in the way of focusing. Then find somehting he likes so that he will have some incentive. We adults work that way too, with bonuses and evaluations.

Good luck and keep searching for that special something that gets him in gear.

Some advice from a middle school teacher....I hear it all the time...excuses. "My teacher hates me" is SOOO common!! When teachers show concern or care for the student like "Where is your HW? Why don't you have it?" they think they are being "picked on". It's kind of funny. It usually happens with me with boys. Moms will tend to favor their boys or baby them longer than girls. They will tell their mom "She doesnt like me" when in fact, THEY aren't doing what they're supposed to. In order to not get in trouble at home or disappoint their mothers, they will blatantly lie....YES they lie. And if you dont have any communication with the teacher, why wouldn't you believe your son?!!
I've had moms believe their child, yet never talk to ME about it until I'd have to call home about something. I would laugh because it is usually the OPPOSITE. Teachers, like all moms, get on the ones causing problems in class or lagging behind because we DO care, not because we dont. If we didnt care, we'd let them do whatever they want and get away with it all. Does that really make sense? NO. Like one mother said, have a serious discussion with the teacher. Chances are there needs to be a discussion with the teacher, your child and you in the same room. That way you can clear the air of any "misunderstandings". After that, if you get the feeling the teacher REALLY doesn't like your child, of course you can switch teachers. However, you are teaching your child a different message with that.

13 year olds also need lots of praise. Even if it's the littlest thing, they need that self esteem booster. Spending that one on one time and praising them instead of punishing or demeaning them will get you what you want much quicker than negative approaches.

P.S. Good job taking everything out of his room! Distractions can be a big problem for students who dont do homework. At this age EVERYTHING can be a distraction...boys, girls, Internet, TV, iPods, whatever!They need a quiet place to focus. Also motivate with rewards such as "When you improve your grades, you get your TV back." or short term "After you finish your homework today (and look at it yourself to check and hold him responsible) you can watch TV, listen to radio, etc."

The child on the other hand is not always wrong, I think you made the best decision. Let us know how it turns out

maybe there's something bothering him, not just school. why don't you take him somewhere, even just the 2 of you, and then talk. maybe he has a problem that he can't figure out how to tell you...hopefully it works...good luck!!!

Dear S.,

I am sure that the mothers who answer you and are nearer your age will be more helpful than I can be.

Of course, I will try to help too, but my ideas may be outdated. There are a couple of things that you can try. For one thing, you go to the teacher to have a heart to heart talk with her, no one else there. Ask her what she thinks would be the best thing for you to do for your son. That stuff about the teacher hates me is really ooooolllllddddd stuff and is a lie. Of course, you already know that.

What is likely the truth is that he is feeling inadequate to do the class room work and doesn't understand what he is to do and how to get started. Only he knows this, so don't be asking the teacher. Kids don't tell us half of the things that are going on in their minds. You can be lots less confrontational with him, and show him that you are on his side. For goodness sake, no more yelling, etc. Ask him what he would do if he were the parent. Spend time with him, and he will eventually trust you enough to tell you what he is upset about.

Or, you could get a high school student, who is reliable and honest, etc, and have him help your child with his homework. It worked with my grand daughter, and she was a real pill about her homework for years !!

You can sit with him and let him show you what his homework for that evening is. Ask him questions about it, and just be companionable. What do you do first? How long has your class been studying this subject? La, la, la, and on and on, you know what to say to a friend, don't you? Then say it to your child. No put downs. Sit there comfortably and don't let anyone interrupt you. Make him the most important for that time.

Go to see the teacher at least once a week, and ask what you should help him with that will give him confidence. I taught 6th graders for 7 years, believe me, I know that they are one tough bunch. You just have to get him to calm down and talk with you.

It will work, and you'd better get it solved before the other two come to live with you. O.K.? O.K. Sorry about being so bossy, but you know how old ladies are. We are cranky at times. C. N.

He might be feeling a little left out. It sounds like you have a lot of changes going on in your life and adding a new husband and his kids can definitely rock your security as a young man. If you haven't already, sit down and talk about how he feels about this transition. What are his fears? What are his expectations of his new step-dad and of you? Regardless of how well the new family is getting along now, there are always fears about how it will really be in a few months after the wedding or how other children will change your feeling toward him. Reaffirm how important he is to you and that all the change is not going to change your love and committment to him. This may be a big part of the puzzle connecting to his grades and participation at school.

Another idea is to invite some of his friends over for a sleepover and have dinner together at the table, talk to them, try to get in his world.

Perhaps its just he has a hard time getting along with his teacher. Try a tutoring program or changing his teacher. This may provide him a way to start over and have a better experience. Maybe he's not understanding the way its being taught - that can make a big difference.

Hi S.,

Sounds like your son needs some positive reinforcement. It is really hard once a child feels like the teacher hates him to get them motivated again. I am a teachers assistant in SSF and I fun into this all the time!!!! Not really a bribing thing - but actually goals with consistent rewards. For example, if you increase the number right on your math test by two on your next test - - - make the goals small and achievable so he does not feel overwhelmed.

Also, have the teacher send home what is due for homework - so you and your son can check it off.

Don't rule out that mom getting remarried is stressful - try to handle more of it yourself - leave the fiancee out just a bit - so your son does not feel like he is losing mom... It takes them a while to accept they are gaining a father.

Good Luck!

Hi I have a similar problem with my 12 year old son. He puts off doing his homework until an hour before bedtime. I'd also like to get some tips for motivating this age 12-13 to do homework.

Steph ~ Have him checked for a LD - he may not want to do the homework simply because he just doesn't get it. Usually with all the "methods" you have tried something works, but if he doesn't get it - then he just doesn't get it.
Try Sylvan or Kumon

Alot going on in your house! I have a 14 y/o boy and home work is a challenge, but seems to get easier. I try to engage him with it. Make it fun. I help my son study with grammar, vocab, etc., make a game out of it. Kids are more apt to learn when it is interesting and fun. Could it be the teacher? Perhaps the work is not challenging enough for him?

And PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE....positive reinforcement. Sometimes I sit with my son and I do my "homework"... I read a book or pay bills, so he sees me sitting there doing "necessary" things too.

If other issues are the root...do you spend QUALITY one on one time with him regularly? Just two of you, playing cards, mad libs, etc.?