Hitting Toddler

Hello L.,

I'm a 36 year old mother of 2 girls, ages 3 and 5. It sounds like your little one is just imitating what she may have easily seen (in person, or on TV), or is coming into her independent stage early.

I have taken many Parent Education courses through the Willamette Falls Hospital's Health Education Center. These classes were *AWESOME*! Taught by a Ph.D. in Child Development, they offer a very supportive environment. You can bring your child and meet with other moms that have kids the same age and are going through similar situations. All sorts of topics are discussed, from behaviors, to sleeping and food issues, you name it. The class is set-up so the children can play while the moms can talk, share and get sound advice from two great child educators. Anyhow, if you just call the Willamette Falls Hospital in Oregon City, and ask about the Parent Education classes through the Health Education Center, they will direct you. I can't say enough about how much these classes helped with my understanding of my children's growth and developmental stages, which really increased my patience levels! I don't know how I could've managed without them! It's a very warm and supportive environment. The classes are affordable, and they offer scholarships to those in need. Highly recommended to all parents!

Good luck!
A.
Mother of 2 girls in
Oregon City

Hi L.,

My advice is pretty simple in nature, but I too had problems with my twin sons. For them it was a matter of getting attention. they soon came to realize that if you say "Hi" then you don't have to hit to get someone's attention. So, in essence, I think that it may possibly be that you are right, maybe she is not getting your undivided attention as much as she would like (24/7!) But that is the nature of the child. Re-affirm "no hitting" in a very sweet and reassuring voice and find some way to engage her with your cooking activities. What worked for me was to either have the twins (I am a single parent) in the high chairs or exersaucers right beside me while I cooked and gave them little "snacks" of what I was chopping, etc. so that I could still talk to them. they seemed to like it. I don't know if that will work for you, but it is worth a try.

She may also be just mirroring what she sees as acceptable behavior to relay her dissatisfaction with you being gone (totally normal) Apparently she has something to say!

One more thing, in hitting, even if it is a small hand-slap is still reaffirming that it is okay for her to hit. I learned that the hard way. I am not saying that you or your husband have hit her but that is just something to think about.

I would recommend letting your daughter know firmly, yet lovingly that her behaviour is unacceptable. You are right that most likely, she is attempting to get your attention. Perhaps she needs to feel included. Not that she needs to help cook, but perhaps you can give her some pots and pans to "play cook" with while you are finishing up dinner. It will keep her occupied and feeling important at the same time.

i agree, my daughter definately enjoys being part of dinner time, whether its just to sit on my hip while i cook, or later on helping me add things to the pot, stir, or set the table! she may still be a little young for her to understand why hitting is wrong, sometimes my daughter used to just need some attention, or a change of scenery...a different toy, a different room, or mommys attention. stay sane, it will pass!

I'm a first time mother also but what I do know is that it may be a phase that all children go through, and if it's not a phase, then its' usually a behavior they picked up and did let go. My advise would be: positive re-enforcement like loving and hugging in exchange for hitting, or communication meaning mommy did not like what you said, you hurt mommy's feelings,patience is key when comes to children meaning it may seem never ending but theat day will come where your young one no longer hits. Keep up your practice, get several different options and apply one that you feel would be most beneifical, most importantly be stern but loving, and to be consistant and caring.

I think your daughter is trying out a new behavior. If you stoop down to her height, take her hand that hit you in your hand, have her make eye contact with you and say to her, "it is unacceptable to hit Mommy or to look at her with a scowl on your face. You need to apologize to Mommy." Then I would ask her to use her words to tell you what she needs/wants/feels. Help her by suggesting what she may need, want or feel. This entire time, I suggest you are at her level, not standing above her. She will learn from you how to communicate with people. As far as wanting your undivided attention, it is a good thing that she sees you doing other things that aren't revolving around her because as she grows up she will experience that at school, with friends, etc. As long as she does have quality time with you talking and cuddling, she will adjust to your attention being elsewhere and be better for it.

Humbly,
S.

There are days I feel like your daughter and want to hit someone just to make them pay attention too....but we all out grow it and so will she. Sounds like you are doing everything right and that your daughter is just trying out something new and different. Enjoy each and every phase along this journey, it goes by quickly when all is said and done.

Hi L.,

I have a 15 month old daughter, who at the 12-13 month mark was doing the same as your little girl. The way I fixed it was: if she would hit, I would croutch down to her level and tell her "soft touches" then I would show her what it was to touch softly. After a while she got the hang of it and now will come up to me and say "touches" and touch me softly. I know then that it's time for some mommy-daughter cuddle time! Also, if she's upset when you're cooking, try putting her in her highchair with you in the kitchen. Give her some spatulas and measuring cups to play with and keep her busy while you're getting dinner ready. It will make her feel like she's "helping" you. Good luck!

D.

I have a 4 year old that we JUST went through this SAME thing with! She was like another person when she got angry and had me on pins and needles never knowing what would set her off. THEN we put her on a schedule!! I work at home and my husband works nights, so she never had time with us. Even though mommy was home, she was working. We sat down and made her a schedule from the time she got up until she went to bed. She gets me for an hour when she gets home from pre school (noon) ...then mommy work/Maddie nap time for an hour. Then she gets me for an hour from 2-3. Then I work and she has to entertain herself or watch a movie until 5. Then we prepare dinner together and have play time until 7 when she has to take a bath, pick up her room and then quiet time with a story and bed at 8. It took about 3 days to really see a change in her but OH MY what a change!!! I have to really discipline myself to keep with the schedule but it has helped so much I can't even believe it! I know there is a difference in age but you can adjust the schedule to your household. Good Luck!!!

Maybe you can get her to "help" by getting you things, or coloring - finding something to keep her busy while you're cooking. They get jealous of whatever is holding our attention.

I'd put her in the playpen if you are cooking dinner. Then with your back to her while she is being mean, she will not get any attention and still be safe. Another idea is catch her offending hand and say no and do the time out thing. But that does take time.

Have you gotten other ideas?

C. G.