thinking about it im just confused and sad that this has happen I hope she will be aware of what she is doing to others, its totally find to be frugal for our own self, but as nature goes what you give is what you receive same with prayers, Im not expecting anything from her but just a good friendship, sometimes in a friendship we must know how to give as a token of appreciation, I will just pray it over and hope she realise it one day and be more generous in helping others and not just taking all the time, we wear out peoples welcome, thank you ladies, i appreciate it, take care and love you guys lots.
Well if she is watching her finances and it bothers you, then yes move on. You can't be friends with someone who annoys you because that is not a quality friendship.
If she is using you, then definitely move on. I wouldn't allow anyone to use me for too long.
L., have you ever watched the TV show "Extreme Couponers"? Your friends reminds me of that, except she doesn't clip coupons. She looks for the cheapest things she can find and makes things to give away.
My parents had college friends who were like this. They were so cheap that they didn't put a nickle in the pony in front of the dime store when they put their little girl on it. She didn't know it moved, and got mad at my daddy because he stuck a nickle in it for her.
They ate the cheapest food they could find for at least 40 years. Now at their age, they have learned better about healthy food since they have so many physical ailments.
They always gave us really cheap gifts as children, including baby gifts when we were 7, 8 years old.
Look, they were besties with my parents. My parents loved them and looked past it. I remember my mom chuckling when we opened the gifts. I'm so glad she chose to feel this way rather than the way you feel.
All of us have idiosyncrasies, L.. I promise that you do, too. How would you feel if your friends dumped you because of something that bothered them about you? The question is, do you like the part of her that doesn't have anything to do with her cheapness? If you cannot stand your kids playing together because they are brats and hurt your children, to be honest, THAT would be more of a reason to walk away from her friendship than the fact that she is cheap. If she asks why you aren't getting together with her and the kids anymore or why you aren't willing to babysit, you should just say "I'm sorry, but our kids can't seem to get along and I can't have my kids getting sat on and hurt. Perhaps when they are older, they will get along better."
One of the things I urge you to think about is that you really do NOT know what her finances are like. It could be that she simply cannot afford to do more than she does. Yes, it would be better to give a $5 gift card to the grocery than a gift with 2 missing items in the box, but she doesn't seem to understand that she looks bad to other people. This is certainly a social gaffe, but she either cannot recognize it or doesn't want to. You call it calculating, but I'm not sure why you feel that you can characterize her cheapness as calculating. What you are saying is that she is intentionally trying to stick her finger in your eye with this.
Regardless, you must make a choice of what is most important to you - a friend whom you like regardless of her ridiculous gifts and eating your food without sharing in kind, or walking away from the friendship because this issue means more to you than she does.
Whatever your choice, I do think that you would do well to try not to judge others as harshly as you do. You don't like being judged harshly yourself, I'm sure.
Dawn
People really don't change. This woman could win the lottery and become a billionaire, she still would be the same. This part of her personality will become the only thing that you will be able to see - and you will end the friendship in an explosion. Better now to just not pursue the friendship. Be polite, but stop reaching out, don't confront and let it end. Maybe return an occasional phone call, but not all of them. You can switch from friends to acquaintance. Sad yes, but her behavior will not change, and it will only annoy, puzzle and hurt you mpre and more.
Besides - you need to protect your children.
you are not going to change her.
she is absolutely entitled to be as cheap as she wants. what's insultingly cheap to one person is brilliantly frugal to another. it's not your business to change her way of thinking.
you don't have to put up with her children being jerks. if she doesn't stop her children's bad behavior, you step in INSOFAR as it affects your own kids.
beyond that, butt out.
khairete
S.
First: don't get me wrong with the rest of what I have to say: I can understand that a Scrooge isn't nice (he was not a nice person though, and you said she IS), and a broke person who can't go play isn't the most fun because you want to go do stuff and she can't...unless you pay. I get that. BUT: I have backed off from friendships before because I didn't feel I was "receiving" enough or that it wasn't a reciprocal relationship. But it was NOT, I repeat NOT about a gift or card or lunch for crying out loud!!! If I gave my time to hear a friend's problem, but then when I needed someone to turn to she wasn't interested in hearing me, that would be an issue. If I took someone out to lunch and they didn't return it for months on end with a phone call, a chat, etc....THAT is not reciprocal.
What it sounds like to me is that she's not working (we don't know why) and she is SCARED. You have no idea what her finances are like, or if someone is sick, or how she sleeps at night thinking about what will happen "if...." Money can do strange things to people because it is a sense of security to some.....a sense of value (self worth) to some.....a sense of accomplishment to some. I don't agree with the hoard things up "just in case", but am more of the "money is a seed, and can grow a harvest" kind of mentality, which enables me to be more generous. But I would feel sad for someone who was unemployed and so steeped in fear that she was rendered socially awkward. You said "she's a very nice person but acts really cheap". So....she's a very nice person. And you don't like cheap people. That's what I'm getting out of this.
You say she's not poor, but she's not working. Does this mean her husband is working and she's a stay at home mom now? Do you know WHY? (I mean, she could have lost her job and that be a large unexpected hit....or she left work to be a stay at home mom but feels like her husband is working very hard for the expenses and she's feeling insecure and a little guilt about spending ANYTHING that isn't related to his needs/family....or perhaps there's something happening with their mom/dad/child/etc and they're having to provide for them in some way.....or perhaps they have a very aggressive savings plan that they're following to get out of debt (think Dave Ramsey classes).....I can think of 20 more things off the top of my head that could cause this "calculating" behavior, but you get the picture, I hope. But you NEVER know what's going on with someone's finances (the news has been talking about this General and all the people surrounding this stupid drama, and one of the ladies involved was always throwing lavish parties, lived in a beautiful house, but has $5 MILLION in debt---DROWNING!!!) You don't know what's up with her, so you can't judge her finances.
Can you imagine someone writing a post about YOU and saying "she's a very nice person, but her writing skills suck---I think I'll stop being her friend? Ouch! That's personal, and I would NOT choose to be friends with someone based on how she writes, or how much money she makes. And I'm not making fun of you either: if English is your second language, then I guarantee that you write 100% better in English than I can in ANY other language. I'm just saying, we ALL have something that is different, even annoying, to others.
You need to reevaluate yourself. This person has done nothing wrong. Friendship should never be about money or material things.
I had a hard time understanding all of your post.
You said "I'm in such a dilemma, go on a trip for 3 days and ask someone to watch kid from 8-4 3 days and not provide food or drink and not give them any money for watching them the person watching them has to feed them and take them to school." ??? Is she asking You to do these things? You jump around after this so I can't tell?? Is that what this is about, Her being cheap but wanting to go away on a trip and not paying you to take care of her kids?
i'm sorry to the ladies below - i don't think there's anything at all wrong with expecting to be treated with respect. and this is what you're talking about. i would be very sad if someone was treating me this way and everyone told me to stop being judgmental. it's not about being judgmental, it's having enough respect for yourself to expect better from a friend.
i think people are being too harsh on you. you don't have to be mean to her. but if you don't feel comfortable around her, you don't feel she is treating you with respect, you can absolutely spend less time with her. you have a right to spend time with people who care about you. she doesn't appear to.
they are right about one thing, though - it's NOT about the money. after she expects someone to watch her kids for free for three days, does she offer to reciprocate with some free babysitting of her own? if she can't "afford" decent presents, (even though you state clearly, she can), does she make homemade things from the heart instead? no. she goes and gets something cheap and crappy. this person sounds selfish and stingy, as though she does not know how to give - just like you said.
Well, I see this a few ways. Some of your email sounds materialistic on your part, and gossiping about a friend with others (about a cheap bday present?) isn't exactly a sign of a good friend on your part. The part that isn't materialistic sounds more about feeling taken advantage of or like the friendship is not reciprocal. Why is your friend going away for 3 days? Is she taking a fancy vacation or is she going to visit a dying relative? There's a big difference on how I'd feel about helping out on childcare during that time. If a friend provided childcare for me, I wouldn't expect to provide the food for my child while gone. However, I'd also be sure to provide a generous gift card(s) to the grocery, Target, Walmart or Amex upon my return. If I did not want to provide childcare for the 3 days request, I would not agree to do it...I'd just say that I was unavailble on those days.
I'm not sure from your email whether your friend is being cheap or is in a financial bind. It sounds like she can't afford the same things as you but wants to acknowledge events with presents, etc. When you invite someone to a bday party, you do that because you want a child to attend, not for the present they will bring not matter how much money you choose to spend on your child's party. I guess overall, it doesn't matter whether your friend is being cheap or in a financial bind, as it sounds like you don't wish to be her friend any longer and your friend may deserve a better friend than you are being, too.
I hope you never get caught in a burning building with her and you have a broken arm or leg!
Relationships are a two way street, once they become a one way it's time to make a uturn and go in a different direction.
