My 22 years old son was left by his girlfriend a couple of months ago. They were together for 4 years, both students, and they were living together for the last 2 years. He was studying in another town (he is finishing now) and he also has a part-time job there, but he comes home every weekend. He is a good student, but they neglected their social life - he even lost most of his friends.
At first, it seemed that he will get over it - he started to go out more, he even travelled alone to a destination he always wanted to go. He started to exercise again and lost quite a lot of weight. He looked full of energy and it seemed that this breakup has a positive effect on him. But now he is feeling very bad, is depressed, his previous hobbies does not attract him and he is mostly staying at home, watching TV or doing something on the computer. This is going on for several weeks, it started when he returned from his travel.
I tried to talk to him about this, but he is very quiet and it is very difficult to get any answer from him. I encouraged him to search for the groups, that he could join, to find new friends or to at least meet people his age, but with no success. He is not sure yet if he will continue studying on next degree or not. At his temporary job there is only the owner and himself, so no opportunity to meet new friends. I am inviting him to go at least with me for a walk, or to make a trip, but he doesn't want to.
I am really worried and I would like to help him, but I don't know how.
Thank you very much for your answers. You all have helped me a lot and I cried by reading some of your posts. Yes, it is very difficult to see him like that, and I understand, there is not much I could do.
I went to his room yesterday and just talked to him, while he was playing on the computer. I told him, that I love him very much and that I suffer to see him like that. I told him, that there are therapists who could help him when he will be ready. I also told him, that it is nothing wrong with him to feel the way he feels but that he is strong enough to stop it when he will decide it is enough and that he can count on me whenever he will need me. I just talked to him very gently for a while not demanding any answer. Then I left the room.
After few minutes he came to me and just sat beside me quietly. I remained quiet too. Then he put the movie on and we watched it together. There were no words, but I could feel the connection.
I think this was a step forward and I think that now he knows, that I really care. I think for now this is enough. But, as most of you wrote, it is only up to him. I can't make decisions for him, and I can not act instead of him. I can just be there for support if he needs it.
You support and love him. You listen to him. You are there for him.
You can't fix this like you could things when he was little. He needs to get over this on his own, but you can be there to help him when he's ready and willing to take it.
Right now my daughter just went to the hospital with an appendicitis. I know not the same but the same feelings of I need to fix this, I need to be involved. She said she is fine, I have to accept this because to get up in her stuff would show I don't think she has this under control.
She called and asked me which hospital to go to, and I told her Mercy where the doctors I work for staff. I get professional courtesy so her anesthesia will be comped. She is going there, save some money. If she calls again I will advise, if she tells me to go up and run off her dad, I will go.
My point is I am taking her lead. You have to do that with your kids when they are adults. You can't get involved if they don't invite you to. If you raised your kids well they will come to you when they need you. They know you know things, ya know?
I am not sure if I am making sense, I am kind of stressed at the moment. So to clearly answer your question you help him by being there when he needs you
________________
I have to go pick her up from the hospital in a couple minutes. She is still demanding Pad Thai so I would say she is doing well. Her fiancee will be back in town today so he gets to take over for me.
It sounds like he's very depressed. He had some great distractions immediately after the breakup and now is left at square one again.
It's hard to get 'back out there' following any breakup, even worse when depression sets in. It may be worth it to just have a heart to heart "it is hard to see you so sad, how can I help you?" If he has nothing to offer, consider just keeping a close eye on it and enlisting a counselor's help if this continues. It doesn't have to be a 'you're depressed' intervention sort of thing, but more of a "we know you are hurting, we need some help in how we can be there for you while having good boundaries"-- not so much focused on *him* as much as focused on the family unit. Have him talk to his doctor, too. Sometimes short-term medication is really helpful. I would be remiss in suggesting that be your first step, though, as some depression is just temporary and people need time to grieve and just be in that space, too. Individual counseling may also be helpful for him; he may have feelings and thoughts that he really doesn't want to talk to family about. Families and parents often have a tendency to want to 'fix' things for those we love, and sometimes, being still and letting a person move through their feelings is hard for us. Imagine if this was a death and give the same grace and space to your son. His most significant adult relationship has ended and he may feel lost, alone, even with you around. Don't fight that-- let him know that you are there when he's ready.
It sounds like he is questioning everything from his past few years and trying to make sense of it. It's hard when what we thought was 'secure' ends up being the rug pulled out from under us. It hurts, it's scary and it shakes us to our core. Four years is a long relationship when you are 22-- it's one's entire adult life. He's going to have to figure out how to be an adult without her, without their place, without that relationship. So, have compassion, keep a close eye out, and seek help if necessary.
Oh, and make sure that you aren't putting pressure on him to 'feel good' around you. It can add another layer of feeling he's letting people down if you put a lot of emphasis on him being happy for your own peace of mind. :) (said kindly, not saying you are doing that, just to watch for it.)
My best advice is to just listen and do not speak negatively about the girlfriend.
Julie S is on point. My daughter is 21. In January, I knew she would need heart surgery but I HAD to let that be HER decision and only then, be there to support her when she wanted me to be there.
It's not easy being a parent. Each age has difficulties balancing out parental obligations from very young to adult children who are legal and you as a parent have no say,
To Julie S... I hope your daughter is ok and has a quick recovery.
As a new widow, I hate that word, the process of losing someone is hard and there are moments where you want to throw in the towel. I've had those moments this past week and my 21 yr old has been right here listening to me. It's HARD adjusting to a new normal. It's EASY for me to make excuses and never leave my house.
Listen to him and just be there for him. He will be ok but it takes time.
I went through a bad breakup at that age too and his reaction sounds similar to mine. What changed it all was a trip I took to Greece with a friend. I found myself again and had a blast. I would enlist the help of a friend of his. Someone who can encourage him, backpack or travel abroad with him, someone to put a fire under him. Maybe a work/study program abroad? Maybe a volunteer program that will supply room and board for 4-6 hours a day of work? (my son is doing this one) There are so many options, he just needs someone who will encourage him on the right path. Good luck, I KNOW how hard it is for him (and you).
My son ended a relationship that he really thought was "the real thing." He's a few years older and he' much more social/active than your son. Sounds like your son threw everything he had into this woman, and lost himself and his center in the process.
The distraction of a trip is just that - a distraction. But now he's back in the same old place. Except she's not there. So reality has set in.
He's 22. You cannot fix this. He needs an objective ear, and that doesn't mean his mom. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you - but he lived on his own for 2 years with her, and now he's home with you. Everything about your house reminds him that he's not with her.
As hard as this is, you have to stay out of it. New friends aren't going to fix things. He's not in any shape to go socialize. He needs a new life plan. If he won't see a counselor (which would be my first strong recommendation), he needs at minimum a life coach to help him focus on goals and who HE is (alone, as a man, without a partner to define him). Please urge him to see a neutral professional. Depression is not something that you just shake off by going to a bar or a class or an interest group.
Your son's entire adult life has been dominated by this relationship. I'm sure you must have had reservations about him being with someone from 18 to 22, but of course it was his life. So it wasn't a workable plan, for whatever reasons. He needs a new direction that's not going to come from light-hearted gatherings.
The most you can say is that you see the change in his behavior, and it concerns you. Say that he is home watching TV and playing computer games, and that's the sort of isolation that numbs someone short term but doesn't help them long term. Urge him to find his true potential and needs by sorting them out with a pro.
My son saw someone (still sees him every 2 weeks), and it has helped enormously with life goals, focus, self-assessment and much more.
Could you invite a few friends from his home town over when he comes home? Maybe have a barbeque, very informal and invite one or two guys he hung out with in the past. Sometimes getting together with old friends will help break you out of the shell.
Unfortunately you can't push this, he will move on at his own pace. Right now he is grieving the loss of the relationship and if you push too hard he may retreat further into a shell.
Julie S., thank you for your comment. I really needed that reminder. My daughter is only 12 and is just now starting to become more independent and doesn't need me as much which has been very difficult for me. I have to start letting go and let her grow. This parenting gig is tough.
I wouldn't force him to talk or open up. Or push him.
Just be there. Be available. And say encouraging positive things. Let him know he has worth and is loved - because he's probably feeling so rejected right now.
But you have to let him grieve and go through some despair. Hard to watch - but his life just turned upside down. He may feel he has nothing to give to friends or a new group right now. He may feel he's in a million pieces.
It will come. Just be encouraging and supportive.
My mom took me on a girl vacation when I went through he same around that age. We never once talked about 'it' (the breakup). It's all I thought about - but she kept me busy with wonderful people, meals out, great conversations - HER friends and my extended family. No pressure on me whatsoever to talk or be interesting or even having anything to say. I felt used up and exhausted (depressed) and it was such a relief to just be part of something but not have to contribute, because my self esteem was at an all time low.
So how about you have people over to the house. Invite him out to dinner with friends, etc. He doesn't have to be around people his age necessarily. He may not feel up for it just yet. Or if there's a guy in his life (dad, uncle, family friend) who can engage him. Sometime our own age group is daunting - if you just got dumped by someone who was supposed to love and accept you.
It will come :) If he gets into a deeper funk, then there might be a problem. But it's a good sign he enjoyed his trip. Sometimes coming back to reality is a bit hard is all - he'll adjust.
Julie - hope your daughter feels better soon and all is well :)
I'm sorry. It is hard to see your child in emotional pain and not to know what to do. He may need time to mourn. Just because he is removed from you, it doesn't mean that he does feel and appreciate your love and concern. I think, and I hope this doesn't sound too sexist, that boys/men, in general have a tough time talking about feelings and tend to just retreat. Also, it sounds as if he is in a transition phase...a temporary job, living at home, uncertain about his next step. It may be that he is really just thinking it through.
Oh dear.
I'm afraid I broke a few hearts in my younger days.
The guys I didn't end up with were great fun guys but I found a perfect guy for me and the other guys had to move on - and eventually they found the right girls for them.
Getting over a broken heart is hard at any age.
Be there for him, and don't bad mouth his ex.
Maybe a support group would be good for him.
Being depressed after a breakup is natural but if it goes on for too long he might need to see a doctor about it.
Give him some time to mourn his relationship.
He'll rebound sooner or later.
http://www.nextavenue.org/what-not-to-say-to-your-heartbr...
I think ultimately he will have to figure this out on his own but perhaps you could suggest he volunteer to help those less fortunate than he is. I don't mean to seem unsympathetic but it is not like the woman divorced him and left him to raise 3 kids on his own, or that he buried a spouse or child or is dealing with a terminal cancer. If he is truly depressed I would encourage him to get professional help otherwise I hope he can move on rather quickly. Life is too short to be pining over a woman who doesn't want him.
Best of luck to you too! I can only imagine how terrible this must be for you to witness.
How about taking up a new hobby? Playing guitar might be therapeutic, writing poetry or short stories might help him unload his thoughts. A class might be good, be it in photography, art, whatever. He can express himself that way, and at the same time, be busy, and meet new people. I signed up for a belly dancing class and while there, I met a young lady who is asking me to hang out with her sometime on the weekend because she wants new friends. Volunteering would be good too.
Maybe some road trips with his friends? Travel doesn't need to be expensive or time-consuming. A small road trip out of town means a change of scenery, they could go fishing at a nice lake for example, go camping...I love those, and whenever I feel down, as hard as I try to stay gloomy, I just can't and will end up laughing and having a great time exploring new sights and restaurants. For me, that is a great way to cheer up, a road trip with a friend, going away for a weekend, or even just a day trip.
Whenever I am feeling social, I use meetup.com, and I have a few friends who do too. There are groups for 20-30 year olds to get together for social activities, such as restaurants, movies, parties, and dances, for example, if he is looking for people within his age group, or just any other groups he might like, where there may be people of all ages. Don't become too pushy though, he may want some time alone just to get to know himself, think things through, or read.
Some more introverted people deal with breakups by wanting alone time to listen to music for example, while others that are more extroverted are jumping back into the nightclub and dating scene to distract themselves. If he has a brother or relative not too far apart in age, maybe you could ask the relative to go on a hike with him and talk to him about breakups and how he is feeling. He may want a guy to talk to about these things, rather than his mom, who he may feel does not understand him. If that person is successful, ask him to make future plans with your son, just so he has someone to talk to, spends time outdoors, and has fun in doing so.
My daughter went through this last October. It is so hard to see them hurting. My daughter thought that the dick was her "one". Yeah, NO! whole different post about that.
We were there for her. I let her talk, cry, anything she needed. I encouraged her to see friends, join groups and activities. AND if she just wanted to be alone, I left her alone. She moved back in with us for a few months. She moved out in her new apartment in January. She just got a new puppy a couple of weeks ago. THAT's funny to watch.
Its taken some time but she is so much more happy now. She realizes that her relationship with the dick was one sided and that he wasn't very good to her. She was trying to work it out because she had spent 6 years with him.
Boys are different. They block everything and choke it down. Give him space but do keep an eye on him. It will take time but just be there. Don't pry but keep asking if he wants to go for a walk but don't badger. Keep asking. He will say Yes some day.
