Helping a Friend

She may be suffering from depression. Go with her to the doctor and try to get help that way.

Good Luck.

Been there.

Lynda,
You sound like a great caring friend, however, it may not feel that way to your friend. Has she said that she is unhappy with her life? If not, then you telling her that she should be may be making her feel like she is being criticized.
If she is unhappy ask what exactly is it that makes her so. Is she depressed? Treatment with drugs is the way to go, along with some therapy. Usually, this can be short term. 6 months or so.
Is she unhappy, but can't put her finger on it? Then she may need a support group of people who are in the same boat. Your church may have one of these: Parents without partners or Divorced women in change. Being accountable to the group may be what she needs to stick to a program.
She may be overcompensating with the kids due to the divorce, they should be fairly self sufficient now. You might frame your help as getting her ready for her "post Mom life" when they are all out of the house. Can she get job training? A volunteer job? Does she have a hobby that she loves?
It is a sign of love that we want good things for our friends, but we can not make them want it and until they do, we cannot help them to get it. It is kind of you to want to try, but may be counter productive. Try listnening ONLY for a few days and see what you hear,then you will know what to do.
Good luck with this. Accepting that this is where she wants to be may be the outcome and I hope you will be able to accept it. Let us know.
K.

I have been in a rut and trying to get out of it. It's really hard. I was married for 15 years in a pretty abusive relationship. I'm kind of lost right now trying to find my way and figure out who I am.

What has helped me is my family & friends. Expecially my sisters. They don't give up on me. I get invites all of the time and at first I made lots of excuses not to go but finally I started getting out. I'm not interested in a relationship right now cuz I'm just not ready. I enjoy going to their homes and hanging out in a positive atmosphere. One of my sisters took me on a trip to Disney, which really helped me alot. It's something I had always wanted to do and never was allowed to do. My family & friends have learned to become GREAT listeners so I can vent. At first they all tried to tell me how I was going to do things and I was resentful. I figured I had been told for 15 years how the cookie was going to crumble and now I don't want that. Listen and if she asks for advice be gentle but truthful. Ask her to meet you for lunch or go to church. Meet up for a drink or coffee. Plan a BBQ at your house with lots of positive people and let her see what fun she is missing. I am still reluctant but everyday I feel like I take another step and doing better.

I hope this helps

See of she would like to volunteer at a school. Or shelter, with the children and mother's who are alone. Both would keep her busy and make her feel like she is not alone in this struggle.

The best thing you are doing for her already. Being a good friend. :-) It's good that you are there for her to talk to. You don't mention if she is depressed. That may be a big part of the "rut" she's in. It's very hard to get out of a rut when you are depressed on your own.

Over 130 of us in Houston just completed the 3 day and an evening course, the Landmark Forum. Everyone there, including a large number of moms, took a good look at their rut and the reasons they don't do what they know to do in their lives for their health, relationships, what's next for them in life, their kids' sake. And new possibilities emerged, with the commitment and support to fulfill on those possibilities. You can go to landmarkeducation.com and look at the online introductions, attend a local intro and bring her along. it is life-altering in the best way. And the tuition is reduced through June for any program in any city (Hou, Aus, SA). Respond if you want more info.

I fully agree with the previous poster and want to emphasize--Let her tell you what's wrong, or even that something is wrong. Even if you are right that she is in a rut (maybe you are right about that), nothing can be done until she can come to that same conclusion. If/when she does, be ready to jump in to her rescue. Until then, back off. When it's time to walk, invite her. If she says no, you go ahead. One of the best things that you can do for her now is to continue to live your life fully.

I have known folks like this, the best thing is to make them get out of the house as much as possible. If she finds someone or something (like a pet) to take care of she might snap out of it. Also, I have to recommend one night a month out making healthy dinners at Dream Dinners. It is a cost effective healthy alternative to eating out and it will help her with her weight issue.
S.
Dream Dinners 620

Buy her a book called Praying for Purpose for women by Katzie Brazelton. Great book. It is like a work study but it will help her evaluate herself and guide her to be astronger woman due to any crisis in her life.

I commend you for your efforts. What a great friend you are!
You mentioned she liked to read. I'm a reader too, so I immediately latched onto that. I write now also. A lot of readers secretly want to write, so maybe you could bring that up and see if she's interested.
Are you in Austin? (I can never tell where these requests come from.) There are a lot of great writing groups here in Austin. Texas Writer's League is the most general. San Gabriel Writer's League is just north of here. We also have a local chapter of Sister's in Crime, Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators, and Romance Writers of America. I'm a member of Austin RWA and can attest that it's a wonderful group of positive, up beat women. I know she'd be welcome there, even if she's not serious, but just dabbling.
If she has no interest in writing there are even fan groups or reader groups she could attend. And fan conferences too. In my experience, readers love to chat with other readers. If you find someone who loves the same authors you do, you've found an instant kindred spirit. It's just fun!
Good luck!

I have seen my sister in "a rut" so-to-speak. I found that I had to listen and not speak out. She didn't want to be told what to do, what to try, or what the latest self-help book says.

Like the other posts, I agree that letting her know you are there is the best thing for her. The best thing for you is to take care of yourself and your family; this is the best way to demonstrate: I respect myself. And that is important for her to see you _doing_.

I would add, since I can't tell from your story, that you might ask her what she would like from you. Then respect her request.

Best wishes.

Hey Lynda,

I hope you are getting ideas to help your friend. First let me say "yeah!' to you for keeping her in your thoughts. I like the trip idea, have you thought about sending a note or dropping a basket of fruit off and her not knowing who its from. Get her kids involved. Sometimes it can be excited to wonder...what's next? Our church group did this once or twice with several members, its a BIG help - I think. A ear is always a great thing, and the walks - what a great idea. Push her a bit to go, than if she really says no, its ok, go without and than talk about the fun or neat things you say on your walk etc. She'll start going more often. Hope that's helps and makes since. Best wishes. Oh one more thing (if your a believer) pray for her, everything time you think or her. : )

I think you should come up with a plan for a trip and ask her and the kids to help you out so you won't have to be alone. That takes the focus off her and gives you all something to look forward to. Something easy... Like a weekend somewhere not too far...

Hi Lynda,
If your friend is open to christian books I would like to recommend a book called "Destined to Reign" by Pastor Joseph Prince. This book is one of the best I have ever read....you can get it on Amazon.com for around 13-14 dollars.
My husband, having been in pastoral/counseling work for many years recommends this book. We can try and try to change our outward circumstances but true happiness is about how we are on the inside. She is fortunate to have a good friend like you!

How old is your friend? Is she approaching perimenopause? Is she depressed? Having ruled those things out here are suggestions to help her get out of her rut. But truly only she will be able to pull herself out.

See if she will volunteer some time to a charity organization that needs her help. If she likes filing or receptionist type work I am sure she can find an organization that can use her.

She likes to read; have her join a book club in the area. If she doesn't want to do that see if she will blog an opinion about the latest book she has read.

Join a gym that has organized classes. I know you said you two were walking but maybe she is bored with it. Perhaps if she is paying for membership it will motivate her to go. Or hire a trainer, the two of you could workout together with one and split the cost.

There is talking to a counselor or psychologist.

Then there is always church. If she doesn't have a church home maybe she should find one that has opportunities for her, women's bible studies, Sunday school teacher, choir, etc.

Is everything okay at home with ex-hubby and kids? Is she being honest with you?

I hope you find something you can use in the responses you receive.
H.