Help with Toddler Learning Not to Pinch and Pull Hair!

I wouldn't let her play with the babies if she can't be nice. It sounds like she really wants to play with them, so if she doesn't get to do that when she's mean, then maybe she would be nicer. You do need to have a limit, as far as how many chances she gets. For example, the first time she is mean, she gets a time out, the second time, a little longer time out. But if she does it a third time, then she's done playing with the babies because she can't be nice. I wouldn't give any more than 3 chances. Less, if she's having a really hard time. If you're out , maybe the consequence could be having to go home. Whatever you choose to do, BE CONSISTANT. If you're not, she will know, and the consequences won't work.

Maybe you are expecting her to play for longer than she is capable of doing. You say she begins the playdate just fine and then she starts to play inappropriately. My daughter could only handle 1-1 1/2 hours of being around lots of kids at 2 years old. That is why I always liked to have playdates at playgrounds or neutral locations (NOT my house) because she would melt down faster than my friends kids. I could just leave and they would continue playing. At my house, she would be acting out in all sorts of ways and everyone else would continue to play and I would be dying for them to leave so my daughter and I could decompress!!

Everyone has their own tolerance levels and even at 2 years old, she can determine the pecking order and she will not challenge the "dominant" ones. Just have shorter playdates and eventually she will be able to tolerate more and more.

If you are having a hard time in other areas, try reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It really gave me a lot of insight and ideas for raising my daughters.

Hi M.-
I feel your pain momma! My son just turned 2 and for the most part he is a good kid. However, he does like to like hit and pull down his cousins. The thing we find that works the most is pulling him away from the situation and giving him a time out, talk to him in a very firm voice and let him know this is not ok. But we only make him have a time out for a minute or 2. They do not have the attention spam to last. Even though it can be exhausting at times, we have to be consistant! Now he is getting to the point that as soon as he hears our voice when he is about to pull down, he stops. Hopefully it wont last much longer. (Crossing my fingers, lol)
Good luck with what you ever method you choose, but be consistant!

Hi, M.,

I have kids the same age. On occasion, my elder child does the same as your elder child. I agree with Pat A. Even though kids often behave in frustrating and physically harmful ways, which incites people to punish them (spanking, hitting, etc.), I do NOT recommend pinching, hitting, spanking, etc. to show the offender what it is like to "get a bit of his own medicine." Research has shown that physically punishing a kid, in general, will make a kid become a more anti-social, resentful adult than he would have been had he NOT been physically punished. I am not saying that you should let the offender do whatever he wants. Do everything you can to prevent the offending child from hurting the intended victim and convey the message to the offending child that attacking others in any way is unacceptable. Try to attend to the offending child's needs (to the extent reasonable) and distract the assailant, or in other words, redirect the assailant's attention and energy.

Good luck,
Lynne E

It's normal. ALL kids this age, at some point, go through this. Some even hit and push and bite. It is also the "terrible 2's" age. It's all developmental.

Head's up... "terrible 2's" does not end at 2 years old... this "stage" goes on until 3 and 4 years of age and hopefully by 5 or 6, it goes away. There will also be LOTS of tantrums as well. This is all part of "ages and stages" and is developmental based. They are learning socialization, boundaries, cause & effect, and on and on. They don't automatically "know" how to play. Also, remember, that kids this age do NOT have impulse control yet. FULL impulse control does not emerge until about 3 years old.

Whichever method you use to teach your girl, just make sure is it age appropriate. Their cognitive ability is also developing still. A child will not automatically "stop" a behavior in one time. It is an ongoing developmental phase. Then it will stop, and another phase will emerge before you know it.

Sure, teach her "gentle" and "soft" etc. Distraction and redirection is also beneficial. Sometimes, you just need to redirect the child instead of "lecturing" the child. At this age, wordy lectures will not work, as their attention spans and focus is not lengthy at this age. Sometimes you may need to stop their hand gently when they pinch or pull, and hold their hand in your hand and say "no pinching/hitting/pulling etc." Then put the child in another area momentarily away from the other kids... and she will quickly get distracted with something else. Then when all has passed, you can join the others again. Use your tone of voice too.... gentle and firm... squat down to the child's eye level, look at her, tell her "look at me" and then say "no pinching..." You can't really expect them to say sorry each time.. but kids learn by repetition too. It can take hundreds of times, but they will learn. Patience. She will grow out of it. It's the age. Don't expect a change overnight.

Good luck and take care, your girl is normal and like any kid her age. Remember, keep expectations and "correction" age appropriate too. You will need to pick your battles so to speak.. there will be many in the months to come as they develop more.
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

You need to do it back to her. But do it before she has time to think. When you see that she is about to do it, turn her around and do it to her first. It will surprise her and you need to do it hard and fast so she gets the idea the first or second time that you do it. Otherwise she'll not get it. Sometimes kids just like the reaction of the other child to see what they will do. But if they understand it hurts and they don't like the feeling of someone doing it to them, they understand not to do it anymore. If no one has ever done this to her she doesn't understand that it hurts. Most of us have to experience things for ourselfs before we understand. Example: you can ask someone who has been burned how it feels, they will tell you it hurts bad. But, so does falling down and scrapping your knee. Do you feel the same kind of pain(NO).
They both hurt but hurt diffrent. With kids it needs to be (Do unto others as you'd have them do to you). At least they will experience the same pain as they give. Usually this changes them quickly. If you know that; I hit you and pull your hair and then your going to do it back to me and I'm going to be hurt too. Then maybe I don't want to do it at all. Kids are smart they will do anything they can get away with. We have to be Smarter then them. The faster you do this and make her cry because it hurt the faster you will solve this problem. Beware, if you don't completely catch her of gaurd and do it hard the first time, she will be on to you and do it and run before you have time to do it back to her, or she will do the whole act of you are killing me when you are barely touching her. So you won't do it hard. Kids are Smart Be SMARTER. Good Luck, this to will pass but you don't want her to be the bully, so nip it in the bud now. J.

Its been my experience that bitting, pinching and hairpulling at this age are signs of frustration. The process to help her be more socially acceptable are twofold-First, her behavior must be addressed, each and every time she does it. If you have to sit right next to her during her play dates to catch her as soon as she moves on another child, do. Stop her and very firmly tell her NO. We do not treat our friends like that. It hurts or whatever you want to say, but firmly and with authority, so she had no doubt you will not tolerate it. Second, try to see what preceeds the attacks. Is there a toy she wanted, or is someone dominating the play area? In this case, encourage her to "use her words". What happened? Did you feel bad when that boy took the toy you were playing with? Tell him, I dont like that. Use your words. It takes time, but she will get better at socializing with guidance.

just be patient and continue to show her "GENTLE". My daughter is still a little strong in her touch and she's 5. Kids don't know there own strength. Question though; is there anyone, grandparents, friends (your friends) who do the grabbing of the cheeks on her and pinch and say things like "oh, look at the cute little girl?" She sounds normal but maybe she picked it up from other people doing it to her.

Hey Mom, You need to teach your daughter to play nice. When she grabs someones face and pinches it. Pinch her on the arm and tell her firmly this is not good behavior. She will not grow out of it. Next comes the biting.I am sure she will cry from you disiplines her.But please understand she does not posses the ability to understand that things hurt yet. She does not have the experience. You need to be the parent and teach your child how to behave.( Not the T.V. or a video.) You are the one. When she does that, slap her hands and say NO.As far as she thinks , what she is doing in fine, because no one has scolded her.
Good luck , its a hard job to be a parent. But it is your responsibilty to teach your child to behave correctly, so you can take her out.
N.