Help with Separation Anxiety

L., I do not think you should expect them to be able to do this at this age.
Continue to leave them with a family member if you want to work out.
Even 30 minutes of activity will help you get back into shape.

L. ~ Had similar issue – so we started going to the local library for story hour times – a couple times a week. The programs are short and they get a mix of kids and adults in the room. Little by little they got used to the surroundings and I would ‘step out’ for a few minutes each time (after about 4 weeks); gradually increasing the time from 3 minutes to 6 to 10 etc. Then going to the health club I would tell them if things went well, we could then spend some time in the pool. First time I worked out for about 15 minutes, then returned and went swimming. They found out that if I was gone ‘alone’ longer – the longer we spent together in the pool. Now our youngest enjoys the time with the kids (for the TWO hours) and the time we get to go swimming. Good Luck.

L.,
I myself am an identical twin and my M. had the same problem when we were younger. She tried to leave my sister and I at a gymnastics class and we were hysterical the entire time. Once we were older (4-5), we were able to handle being separated from her.
I also have been through this with my son who turned 3 in December. He was so attached to me. I would leave him at a Kids Day Out program screaming for me. It was heartbreaking and emotionally exhausting. He also would not stay at my M.'s house (even though we have seen her 1X week since he was born. I stuck to my guns from September through November. Finally, in December, I saw a remarkable change and he eagerly goes to his Kid's Day OUt program. If you are willing to stick with it, then you will see results. Good Luck!

Dear L.,

I know how you feel. My daughter had the same thing. I also do daycare and a lot of kids have the same problem. What I did for my daughter and I also recommend to my daycare moms. I tell them the first time is going to be the hardest. But to leave them and tell them that you will be right back, but do this while getting out of the car. Don't prolong the goodbye. Then I tell the mom or in my case just went and got gas. Then each time I was gone a little longer. If they are not used to being left alone this will help them adjust easier. So they won't even give it a second thought. Good luck and it will get easier after a little bit of time, but as one post said, if they think they can win by crying they will cry.
B.

I had the same problem but only had one to deal with at that point. I bribed him with cookies.lol If he was good then when we got to the car he got an instant reward and had them eaten before we got home to the 3 older sisters,lol It was our secret. He loved it and was excellent for the child care center at the YMCA once he learned he got cookies and did not have to share them, lol

Dear L. V.
Don't leave your young children to strangers in a health club maybe the children are trying to tell you something like , we are not okay with the people you are leaving us with, this may not sound helpful to you but you need to look at it from their perspective you are leaving them with a bunch of strangers at three years of age that is very frightening and do you know all the children and the care people that well that you feel it's safe? My one son was molested by other children while in the care of people who were supposed to be taking care of specil needs children and I thought he was in good hands, all the people seemed so caring but they dropped the ball. I will never leave my children in any public place in someones care who is a stranger ever again and am trying to tell you that well intending workers can drop the ball as well as preditors are everwhere!

Hi L.,

Child psychology is NOT my specialty, however I have been a psychologist practicing for about 30 years, and I am familiar with the problem.

The "trick" to working on this is consistency, and incremental "baby steps"... If your ultimate goal is to leave your kids in a novel place in your absence, then think of ways to build toward that goal of (1) mom being absent, and (2) someplace that is new and novel. Then combine those two
qualities in a gradual program. Ideally, you want to set up a way that leaves them alone for initially a short period of time, and gradually build time up.

If your own efforts fail, feel free to contact me and I can refer to a great kid's psychologist with offices in Northbrook.

R. Katz, Psy.D.
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Hi L.,
Reading this reminded me so much of my niece she is 2 ½ now, but she had the worst separation anxiety I have ever seen, she would not go with anyone ever, not for one second would she be OK without being attached to my sister (her mom). When my oldest was younger she also had the same problem, and I put them in dancing class for little ones 2 and 3 year olds, and you as a parent were able to be in the class with them until they were OK, so it was an easy transition, granted the dance moves they learned and cerography was not much, but the improvement of their social skills is AMAZING, my niece just did her first performance in front of about 800 in the audience and did an awesome job, no tears or crying kicking or screaming, she was so proud of her self. The instructor herself use to call her the Kola Bear baby to how she use to cling to my sister, and after we saw her on the recital, and now stays in class by herself is an impressive change. Hopefully this helps …. Just a little at a time, not forcing them of course, that only makes it worse, and something you can participate in too, and they themselves will see you be so proud of them.
Take Care
Lety

Hi L.,
I teach preschool (2 and 3's for many years) and what you are saying about the twins separation anxiety is SO common. I have sort of babbled a few options here for you.. maybe something will click for you..
one option:
How are the caregivers at the club handling their sadness? If they are okay with the crying, just stick to your guns and make drop off short and sweet and promise the kids a treat of some sort when you return. Your little sweeties will begin to understand that you indeed will return. Hopefully the caregivers are loving and attentive to their sadness as I would be upset if they just ignored them and didn't try and cuddle them.

It is possible though that they may need a little bit of a transition to being left in this new environment. If you try this for 3-4 weeks and your kids don't make any progress at all, maybe you will have to go out to exercise when family can watch them.

I think having family watch them thus far is wonderful but in order to try and prepare them for this new environments, I would try as the other gal said..about library story time.. a one or 2 day a week preschool class.. something like that.. also maybe try to have a new sitter come to your home so they could get used to a new person in their home environment. People are posting good things for that sittercity business or maybe swap with a friend. When your kids are in preschool, you get hooked up with a great network of moms!

Are they in preschool yet? Maybe you could find a school with an opening mid-year and you could work out when the kids are in school. Our school has a few openings in Barrington, don't know where you are at though. Many schools have mid-year openings.
but you know.. they just love you as you are their mommy and at this age, its so common for them to become sad right when you drop them off somewhere or try and leave them. Its so hard to see them sad I know but trust what the caregivers are saying and if they are willing to ride out the crying, keep doing your exercising.. you deserve it!
we had a little girl cry and cry for 6 weeks and I really thought her mom should just give it up for now but the little girl (2and a half) just one day said.. no more crying and she has been doing great.
good luck!

This is perfectly normal and not at all serious. One thing you should know is that it does not last. I had my kids in a home daycare and the daycare provider said the longest she had ever seen it last was two weeks, usually less. I tested this by leaving one of my kids and listening carefully as I left to whether the crying would end . . . it ended before I even got down the steps and to the street! What they really need to know is that you love them and that the person they are with also cares for them. They may cry a bit at first - you won't be able to get them to go cheerfully - but it will not last. And you need to get away. Don't even think of it as "sadness" or "heartbreaking" - it is a normal kid response to change and it will not harm them. It doesn't really help to be really talky about it, either, because they perceive this as waffling and guilt on your part and they will play into it. Just say good-bye, firmly and cheerfully, and leave. When you greet them after an absence, don't go on and on about how much you missed them, either. If you behave like it is normal life, they will too.

Try staying there with them one day. Show them the toys, other children, introduce them to the person caring for them. Also, show them where you are going to be. Reassure them that you are close and coming back. Another idea would be to purchase them wrist watches that have a timer, or alarm on them. You can usually find pretty inexpensive, cool looking watches for little ones. Show them that when the alarm goes off Mommy will be back and then leave. As a daycare provider, my experience is that most kids are perfectly fine once mom is gone. As long as they think crying will keep you there they will do it. Once you're gone they very quickly find something else to do. Make your exit is quick and don't drag it out. Be very positive and upbeat. If you are anxious they will misread that as fear and they will translate that into being afraid themselves.