Help with My Tantrums in Response to My Child's Tantrums

It's good you are recognizing you need to make some changes .... That's the "first step", so to speak. My mom was a yeller and it wasn't all happy home a lot of the time; she and my brother still have some anger management issues, though neither would be willing to admit it.

I ran across this site a few weeks back. Her story is pretty incredible and she's set up a challenge to help others. Perhaps you can find some tips through her program .... It appears to be free, but I could be wrong.

http://theorangerhino.com/category/30-days-project/

YOU need to make the decision about your home business. Is it more important than your children? Is the business worth the looks on your kids' faces when they feel unimportant? It really sounds like you have to choose. I'd say quit the hospital job, but I think you'd just use that time for your home business. At least the hospital job has a start and end time.

I grew up in a home like yours, and it was awful. BUT, my parents were never self-aware and conscientious enough to realize it. You have made a wonderful first step in realizing this isn't OK, and you don't WANT it to be like this. That alone, is very positive. They are very young, and what goes on now doesn't have to affect the rest of their lives. You don't sound like a bad mother, at all. A bad mother wouldn't care that she is yelling or swearing. A good mother sees the need for change, a bad mother doesn't. You sound like an exhausted, depressed, overworked, and at the end of your rope mom.

I don't know your life could get anything but worse, if you don't quit the part-time job. Sit with your husband and tell him every single thing you told us. Look into Dave Ramsey. I know there are other budget programs, but that is the one I used when we first got married. It was a life changer. Good luck!

Do NOT allow the home business to be your excuse to continue this way. If you quit the other job, don't dedicate that time to your business. Dedicate it to your children. If you can't handle the business yourself, hire someone to do the easy stuff. I know many stay at home moms, that would LOVE a bit of extra money. They do not demand high pay. You have to STOP this cycle NOW. Your husband should be helping more. If all he does is play video games, perhaps he needs some counseling. In fact, I recommend counseling anyway. For both of you, ALL of you. Your son, especially. I think you all need it to undue this mess.

Time to quit your home job. If your finances can't afford it, too bad. Your husband needs to pick up the slack instead of playing video games and go get another job. You don't have to have your husband's approval. You just STOP the at-home business. If he doesn't like it, screw him!!!

You need to go get professional help if you can't straighten yourself out with your child. Swearing at a 4 year old? You're being a big bully and even though you know it's wrong, you're still doing it. Stop doing it. Just stop. Put a strong rubber band around your wrist and when you catch yourself starting to scream at him, snap that rubber band HARD to bring you to your senses.

Your life is going to turn to absolute SH*T if you don't fix this quickly. This little boy will be a terror in school and you'll get calls from them every week. You'll be know as "that mom" who screams at her little hellion, and everyone will certainly know why he acts like he does, and they will all blame YOU.

If you really ARE willing to change about anything to be a better mom, drop the business. When your husband can't pay the bills, he will go get another job. THAT will make up the $70,000 at some point. Unless you can hire someone to help you do the computer work so that you can spend time with your child, quitting your hospital job will just mean you'll turn this one job into longer hours and ignore your child MORE.

Resenting your husband because your at-home job doesn't mesh with having a child is a cop-out. Either hire someone to handle this so you can be a proper mother, or drop the job. Ruining your son over your home business (and you ARE ruining him, screaming at him and cursing at him) is something you'll have to pay for in spades for the rest of your days.

You need to figure out how to get out from under one of the jobs. You can't do it. all. When I was having a really horrible time at a really horrible job, DH and I revisited the numbers. My health trumped the stress I was under. You need a heart to heart with your husband. You cannot do all of this. Everyone is suffering. If he isn't helping and is only playing video games, then he needs to step up, too. How can he not see how stressed you are?

I also think you need to read http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/05/22/the-important-thi...

SWH is very telling. You need marriage counseling. You are very torn about your priorities. I couldn't possibly tell you which is better, to quit your hospital job or stop your home business. I can tell you that you are on the brink of loseing it all. Job, home business, kids and H.

You have no time for counseling, I understand. So something has to go.
A Hubby who is playing video games through this mess is very immature.
Sometimes they need a wake up call. Sometimes they are withdrawing from chaos. Maybe you created that chaos.

You need a serious talk with him. He needs a serious talk with you.

If he just throws up defenses, you need a plan. You tell him what you need from him.

You need to decide what you value. You may have bitten off more than you can chew or you need help in your business. It's not ever worth your family.
Get realistic.

One of the jobs has to go!you see what is happening to your family. It is not goi g to get better if you continue along the path you are taking. Only you can change things.

Sounds to me like the problem isn't really your temper, it's a lack of sleep, which sets off your temper. Quit a job!!!! Do something to make sure you have time for sleep!!!!and your kids.

I'd just tell hubby you can't do it all, you are breaking. Tell him something has to give and you need help figuring out what you can change.

in the short term.. put your kids in day care. let them go to day care full time so you can get the business in order.

they would be better off in full time day care than at home with you yelling at them. then you can work during the day.. pick up the kids and be a good mom for a couple of hours in the evening.. and then go to bed at a reasonable hour.

that is a short term answer.. then you have to ask yourself.. if that is a good long term solution. do you want to work on your business?? then find childcare for the kids so you can work.. you cannot do justice to 2 little kids and a home business. the business will suffer or the kids will suffer..

Updated

in the short term.. put your kids in day care. let them go to day care full time so you can get the business in order.

they would be better off in full time day care than at home with you yelling at them. then you can work during the day.. pick up the kids and be a good mom for a couple of hours in the evening.. and then go to bed at a reasonable hour.

that is a short term answer.. then you have to ask yourself.. if that is a good long term solution. do you want to work on your business?? then find childcare for the kids so you can work.. you cannot do justice to 2 little kids and a home business. the business will suffer or the kids will suffer..

Oh WOW Tia,

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have been in the same position, and done it ALL while my now Ex-Husband was on the road (he travels 6 months out of the year).

May I suggest something? MAKE HIM READ THIS POST!! You are running on FUMES right now, and you are 100% justified in feeling the way that you do. You don't get any time to "play video games." How UNFAIR!! You need an outlet as well, and it's time for Hubby to put the controls down, and own up to his share of the responsibilities of your Marriage.

One thing that you MUST do is stop staying up until 3am. There is no way that your body can re-charge, and that is why you are at your wits end. YOU have to take care of YOU, in order to be able to care for your Family. You are a top priority here, and your Husband needs to understand this immediately!

If something happened to your health, I'm sure your entire household would go under.

If you quit the Hospital Job, would it significantly affect the Household finances? Give him an ultimatum.....tell him that he can either pitch in and help take the stress off (so that you can get your work done at a reasonable hour), or that you can quit the Job.

I'm not one for Sugar coating, and I WILL tell you that this IS a wake-up call. Your husband expects you to do it all, because you're strong, and he probably has no idea that you're under so much stress. Let him know, because if you do not, the built up resentment will start to affect the Marriage.

This is one of the things that I resented about my Husband. He sat back and watched me do EVERYTHING! I divorced him (because he was a Serial Cheater) and now he knows how to do NOTHING when it comes to our Daughter.

Don't let this happen to you....TALK it out.

Good Luck!

The biggest red flag I saw here was the video games when husband is home. He is the one should be feeling guilty with you working yourself into the ground and the kids suffering -and he spends time like that?

You know how to parent well, and you know that is not happening. KUDOS!!!! I have been living on a shoe-string budget for 7 years in order to live on one income. And that's a shoe-string budget in a ridiculously cheap location-I left my beloved NYC so I could afford to stay home. I gave up all my favorite stuff from my young single life to be much more bare bones about EVERYTHING. My husband (divorcing) travels all the time and I have raised these kids (7, 5 and 3) alone. They are sweet, well-behaved, full of life and our memories are countless. I haven't missed a single discipline episode or illness or new achievement and I'm so blessed because I know not everyone can do that even if they want to. Right now I'm teaching my second child to read and starting his piano lessons and it's as thrilling as it was for the first. I practice their music lessons with them, I get hem to all their TKD practices and homeschool activities. I can already feel my time lapsing with my 7-year-old who is craving independence and starting sleepovers at other people's houses and stuff: My point: Those "optimal at home foundation-setting years" are FLEETING.

You need to do whatever it takes to work less. NOW. Discipline can achieve good behavior, no tantrums, calmness and helpful kids, but it only works within a loving secure structure coming from a parent with full respect from the kids due to the constant outpouring of love you give. You can't achieve that equation when you aren't home and you're beyond your limits and can't control your behavior or theirs. And you know this. I commend you for seeing this problem. Take action!!! With yourself AND your gamer. Shame on him!!!

I hope you can get some sleep. It seriously makes a world of difference. I too would be a major grump with your hours. :) I go to bed when the kids do or a little after, usually by 9pm. We don't get up super early. None of us are ever tired during the day. Trust me, it's GREAT. I simply need to do that to keep up with them or it's too exhausting emotionally and physically.

Another thing that helped was having the kids in lots of programs or camps during the day. Less time together. That way, I'm a better mom and the time we did have was more quality. Preschoolers always went to full-day preschool, and I feel I could have written your post...had I not made changes to keep us all sane. The kids didn't want a grumpy mom any more than I wanted to be that way.