I tied to keep it short but was told it was too short so let me explain. I have a sister that I suspected of talking about me but then a year ago I had an acquantince tell me a story that wa not true about me that my sister told her,they work together. I gave my sis the benefit of the doubt and went on and said nothing. Then a few months later a girl that we both knew came up to me in a store made small talk then said be careful of your sis, she is saying things i said thank you and left it at that. then again someone that we both know said the same thing happened again. Each time the things that were said they would have not have known the details unless she told them. The icing on the cake was that a trusted person told me that she told them that I did not like her and that I never had, this person asked me about it and I told them that was not the case. I have a bro that lives in the neighborhood my sis called him told him I was not speaking to her and that she was very upset and then asked to have a bbq at his house they invited the rest of the family and not me. My bro did not call to find out what was going on just si not have me or my family over. this is not the first time this has happened. I hope this has cleared up some confusion and not created more! thanks for your help!!!
Well I called my sis with no answer so I went to her house. I told that we needed to talk. She came with me to get coffee and we had a long talk, and talked about everything from the time we were little to now. We talk for over 2 hours yesterday. But the sad truth is that she denies everything that I have heard about not just the stuff over the last year but everything. It is sooooooo sad. I told her that I thought she needed to get some professional help,I am not the only one she lies about, But am the only one to call her on it. so in the end I told her that until she can apologize and stop lying about me and my family I have nothing more to say to her and I do not want her to call until she can do that!
M.,
I am always a firm believer in facing things head on. If it were me I would get the entire family (adults) and proof together and politely fae to face call her in it. Remember NOT TO BELITTLE OR PUT HER DOWN. Just let her know that you are not going to sit back while she degrades or lies about you to everyone.
Good Luck, this can be very difficult.
M., I have been dealing with my sister like yours for over 20 years and what I have learned is that People who know you and love you will not believe what she lies about you. There is nothing you can do to change her only yourself. When you are around her. Be nice and kind to her but do not fall into her trap of engaging in any arguments or discussions with her that in any way give her fuel. If your family chooses to believe her instead of you that is their decision and again there is nothing you can do about it. In my case my mother has always believed everything my sister has said and at one point she had 2 of my brothers and 1 of my other sisters and my father believing her. I always stayed quiet and never said a word. finally they all started to realize that she must be lying because my actions didn't coinside with what she was saying about me. Her true colors will always show through. Have you ever heard the scripture "by their fruits ye shall know them" ? well her fruits are deceitful and will always show. Don't worry about what she is doing. If you do she will always have power over you and she is happy if she knows that what she is doing has an effect on you. the best thing you can do is not let what she says and do affect you in any way and I know that is much easier said than done and may take a while for you to accomplish. You have your own life to live and don't have time for her antics. Don't confront your family or her because I promise it will only add to her attention that she craves and cause undo strife in your family and lower you to her level. My situation is very much the same as yours if you want to talk more you can e-mail me. I've been dealing with her for over 20 years. Ours started when I was married before her and she thought she should be married before me even though I am 3 years older. I have been married for 20 years and she is on her 4th husband and none have lasted more than 4 years, with two children from 2 different men. I'm a SAHM of 5 wonderful children 4 boys and 1 girl who is part of a set of boy/girl twins. By the way my dad and 1 brother and the one sister have seen my sisters true colors and don't believe anything she says anymore. good luck
Hi M.,
Family issues such as this can be very difficult especially when one sibling is competing with another for the parents approval. But the one thing I've learned in life (I'm 53 years old) is that we cannot change other people, what they think, what they say and what they do BUT when we decide to change how we see things then things change. It looks to me pretty much like some sort of mind game being played by your sister and if your parents are playing too then that makes it even more difficult for you. The worst thing you could do in my opinion would be to play the game too by trying to fight against what your sister is doing. The more you try to defend yourself unfortunately most likely the less credability you will have with your parents AND the more lies she will tell because she's enjoying the game.
As an adult you have decisions to make I suppose and one of those decisions is just how important is it to you to have your parents approval or how important to you is their opinion of you? I used to have a really bad time with my mother, who never really approved of anything I was or did but then as an adult I totally decided that I didn't need her approval and all that really matters is what I think and feel about my self. Doing that has truly changed my life in so many ways AND has vastly improved my relationship with her. It's really not about 'not caring' what my mother thinks about me but it's much more about being confident enough in myself, who I am and how I'm living my life that her opinion of me just really doesn't matter because I know I am doing well.
I hope you are able to find it within yourself so that you are not playing along with your sister in this game she's playing. Just perhaps when she sees that you are not fighting back and that you really just don't care what she says about you or to who she will stop because there's no fun in playing the game by herself. Also the game won't be so much fun to her if your parents see her being aggressive against you in what she tells them and they see you just going on with your life as if she isn't bothering you in the least. Sooner or later people tend to take a good long hard look at people who seem to have something against another person and begin to view them as having the problem. If your parents are smart they will see through her soon enough and they won't want to play the game anymore either.
Good luck,
C.
Obviously, someone is talking, telling you what she has said as you 'now know' and have proof of her stories. When asked by folks if the stories are true, tell them 'No'. Call your sister and let her know what others are telling you that she said. Initially, give her the benefit of the doubt and the misquotes that often happen with stories, everyone puts their little spin or enhancement on a tale. If she says that's not what she said, listen to her. If she tells you that she did, ask what can you two do to resolve the problems between you. You may have to have a 'sit down' with your parents, if they live nearby, and mediate this problem. If there is no resolution, as painful as it maybe, you'll have to disassociate yourself with her and her immediate family. The relationships that you have with mutual friends will have to be handled carefully. Never talk about your sister to anyone, when asked about her, honestly reply that you haven't had the chance to see or speak to her recently. Don't say any thing negative about her. You just end up rolling in the mud, it's not good for you or her. This is not about getting even. Always send her and her family the Christmas cards, the birthday cards. Remember those days and events. Phone calls are not necessary. When she's ready, she'll call and talk with you. It hurts, but neither one of you had a choice in siblings. If this were a friend or an aquaintenance you'd handle it pretty much the same way. It sounds as though you have a very full and busy life, no time for the petty stuff or all the never-ending explaining that would happen if you started to tell someone why all of this is happening. Love her, care about her, but do it from a distance and hope that one day she'll get a clue.
Amber C is right on. It may seem complicated but really all you can do is talk assertively with your family. STARTING with your sister of course. You can't control what others say think or do but you can try communication then decide for yourself if the chaos is worth it.
Be direct. Be calm eventhough you may feel it. If she denies it, just stay calm and stick to your guns.
For sis, something like, I have heard recently that you are lying about ..... to others. It hurts and angers me that you would do that. I would like you to clear it up and stop. If you do not, I will choose not to have a relationship with you any longer because it is too stressful and harmful.
For fam, something like, I have realized that ..... has been lying to you about...... It is untrue and hurts and angers me that you would believe it without question. I feel you are choosing sides without hearing my side. I hope that you will listen to me so that we can continue to have a relationship.
Just an idea for phrasing. Your life seems pleny full of great things with your kids and child care and husband. Keep focus on those good thinks when going through this challenge.
Hi M.,
First off, let me say that I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can truly empathize, as my mother has done this to me.
I no longer associate with my mother's side of the family (other than my sister, brother and some cousins) as a result. I think it is crazy that they would take her side without even confronting me or discussing whatever the issue was with me. Everything was discussed without my knowledge... I still have no idea what I supposedly did or say. My life has been mostly "drama free," since I seperated myself from those people.
Maybe if you step back, and seperate yourself from your family, they will eventually discover what a liar your sister is and will come to you (hopefully with apologies - don't hold your breath, though... it didn't work for me even though they KNOW my mother is a liar).
I would try to have a "sit down" with whomever will hear you out, and state my case - one time only. If they don't have the integrity to hear both sides, then they don't deserve your time and effort.
Sorry if this offends anyone, but this is simply how I feel. Life is too short to surround yourself with people that are not on your side.
Hi M.,
I feel your pain! I have a younger sister who is a habitiual liar. She lies about anything. I think it's just a way to get attention for her. There have been times, like last week, when the lies are directed at me. My dad called me and said, "I hear you and your husband are getting a divorce?" Sure enough, I traced the rumor back to my sister. I found out it started because my dad and grandmother were saying nice things about my husbands and mine relationship and said something to her like, "why can't you and your boyfriend get your acts together like your sister and her husband". So her feelings got hurt and her response was to make up a lie to make me look bad. I haven't confronted her but all my family knows she lied. I think it will make you a bigger person to just make sure the people who matter to you know the truth and then they'll think twice before believing your sister next time, it will just make her look bad.
Good Luck!
Hi,, first off you didn't say how old you two are,, but any way,, if I was you and this was happening to me,, i would just go on with living,, don't do anything,, if your family is choosing her side with out even talking to you,, well,, then, go about your business with your husband,, if you haven't done any of the things your sister says you are,,don't worry about it,, if your family believes her then,, they are in the same boat and will realize either sooner or later that you are innocent of all things she said,, don't go around them for a while,, let them all talk,, when you do go there and they say some thing,, then tell them if you are going to believe what my sister is saying about me with out even talking to me and believing her,, well then,, you don't know me,, or care about me that much not to even ask if things were true,,I know it will hurt not being around them for awhile,, but then they will see you were telling the truth all along,, good luck,,D.
I have read a few of the suggestions, and agree, for the most part. However, I usually tend to handle things a little differently. I would actually try to have everyone involved under one roof long enough to find out what the truth actually is. Of course, make sure the kids are not around as they don't need the drama. I have found that the only way to get to the bottom of the "he said, she said" situations is to actually confront the situation head on. Obviously, someone is going to be mad, probably whoever was doing the lying, but, at least you will know the truth before actually deciding how to handle the situation, or doing something like disowning a family member or something else that you may regret later. It is always best to have all the facts before reacting. Good Luck, K.
Hello M.,
I know a person who lies just like your sister....and I really don't understand it myself! I believe your sister lies to make herself feel better. It takes a lot to lie....it is stress in itself. She is really putting a strain between you and her.....and causing problems with other siblings. It really bothers me when siblings do that type of thing. Sad.
Your sister is so selfish. It sounds like your brother may be too. All of this is very childish and irresponsible. I know about this first hand. I have seen it with my own eyes and have heard lies time and time again, over and over again. It sounds like you're the adult here. Set your boundaries with your family. You are the mature one and should speak your mind. Tell them all how you feel and let them know the truth. It's not fair how she's been acting at all, especially when it comes to family. Doesn't she care that you're her sister?! What's gonna happen is something serious happens to you? Maybe that is something she needs to consider, because we are all not guaranteed a clean bill of health. I just don't get people like her.
So, I hope you confront her, maybe in front of your family (family meeting?????) and get it out in the open. There shouldn't have to be any private BBQ's at your brothers place. There should't be any exclusion from anything. There are so many family's in the USA that are falling apart as we speak. So many people have cut their family ties off totally and won't eccept any of there phone calls or answer their doors. Isn't that sad? But the people I know said, "it's time for us to move on, I don't want to be around any of my family....we can't deal with all of the issues...jealousy, envy, gossip, favoritism, lies and deceipt any longer". And that comment is regarding parents, including their adult children. How sad is that?! Really sad.
So, if it has to come to that with you and your family, then you just need to move on and focus on your family that you have right now. Your sister needs serious counselling.
I hope that you, your parents and siblings will resolve issues.
I agree with Jennifer...you have to let her and who ever else in your family go. People don't have to "take sides" but if these people(sister) cause drama and hurt in you life, be done with it. I unfortunatly had to do this myself. I love my brother and sister and care about them deeply but they are no longer in my life. They both lie constantly, start drama, are selfish and full of gossip, I don't need that in my life. It's been peaceful!!! It hurts, but in the long run it's worth it. You have to choose people in your life that contribute not destroy. Good luck.
First of all don't be mad at your sister. When someone lies about you a lot of the time it is because they are jealous of you.She might be felling that you have a better relationship with some of the people she has allegedly lied to. She might feel that you have a better marriage a better standard of living..whatever. you need to arrange to sit down and talk with her in person. Preferably in a public place. People most always behave themselves in public. Tell her it has come to your attention that she has possible not been entirely honest.(remebering that lies are like telephone,what gets started isin't alway the way it is repeated when done.) Tell her what you've heard attributed to being said by her.If she admitts it thank her forher honesty, but let her know that you don't appriciate being talked about in a negative light to other froends and family members. She should do one of two things. Admitt what she did,and possibly apoplgise, or she'll deny any wrong doing.Decide what you need to do from there. Also realise if you are an upstanding member of your family those close to you know the truth, and those who continue to judge might not be worthy of a relationship with you.
Girl!
I think it's time to confront your sister! You should makes some notes, some type of documentation to keep track of what's being said and who is telling you these things. It's time to get everything out in the open. Ask your other sibling/s about what is going on. Strif, lies, and miscomunication between families should not be tollarted, family ties are so important to keep open and supportive. I don't know what I would do without my family. Good luck to you. Be strong and fight to keep your family close knitted together and supportive of each other.
God be with you, Mandy
Hello M.! You know I think the best thing in any situation like this is confrontation. You really should leave the family out of it, and go straight to your sister. It is between you and her. The great thing about family and being honest and truthful, is that they will always be family, even if they are mad at you for awhile, you are bonded by blood, and I would hope that you could eventually work things out. Just make sure to approach her with kindness and confidence! You can do this!
Wow,tell me your from the grape-vine living off the good old south.Them's are my roots and 2 things I will be truthfully honest with as I've moved across the county to settle here and lord only know's why.One of my sisters was the cheerleader,had her career,advanced and achieved her every goal imaginable,than had a child.And let me tell you that is only time(her son's now my youngest's age)she looked and talked to me as her equal.Oh,did she talk bad vodo about me all these yrs.You bet ya.MY secound coming out is,I almost always had that one relative who played neutral(and that is going to be your key figure)no matter what way they heard it,they had to find a reason to contact you and play dumn to get the upper hand dish on the rummers,straight from the horses mouth.How I've learned to deal with that is to convay it in a more heartening concern for all the others involved,transfix the focas on them,then rely all the feedback on what the heck it is you ranted about to sort-of seem important for the time you meant it,but treat it like a blast from the past(and you earned the t-shirt)kinda way with a funny high-five kinda way durning your coversation.
It may not make much since but in the workings of family who are obviously very much involved in disecting your life before your very eyes every waking moment it can move mountains,and bring the most likely of caricatures together.I wish the bestest to you and your struggle.And damn 4 kid'os you go girl.High five.(see their's a t-shirt you can be proud of)Happy belated Mom day.
