Help with Bedtime Routine - Bronx,NY

After the birth of my first child (I have a singleton and then twins), my friend gave me a video called something like "Your Baby Can Sleep." It gave me the best advice as to getting my kid to sleep. My singleton daughter slept through the night at 10 weeks and the twins at 12 weeks.

As much as you don't want to hear this, you CANNOT rock them to sleep at night. It is SO important to have them learn to put themselves to sleep at night. The video gave this as an example, and it really makes sense:

All of us (adults, kids etc...) wake up a few times a night, but we ultimately learn to roll over and just fall back to sleep. BUT.... imagine if you went to sleep in your bed and when you naturally woke up a few hours later, you were lying on your kitchen floor. You'd be freaked out, scared, panicked and completely awake, wondering how you got there.... And then of coure, you'd be wide awake and not able to get back to bed very easily.

It is the same for babies. If you rock them to sleep, the last thing they remember is being in their parents arms. When they naturally wake up a few hours later, they look around and are like "where am I? How did I get here?" and then they'll be wide awake and screaming.

The best thing is to establish an evening routine (sounds like you have that in place, which is good). For instance, we do bath time, and then an hour or so of hanging out/playing. At 7:30, we read books (even when they were little babies) and then I would put them in their cribs (now beds). Important to put them in their crib while they are drowsy, but NOT asleep. You want them to know they are in their cribs when they fall asleep so they don't wake up in a few hours screaming.

Because you have been rocking them to sleep, it may take a few days for them to feel comfortable enough being put in the crib without crying. But it is really important to let them cry a little. Give them a kiss goodnight and put them in their crib and leave the room. If they cry, wait for 5 minutes and just poke your head in and say "mommy's here." But do not pick them up. Then let them cry another 10 minutes (if they haven't fallen asleep yet). Go in again and say "mommy's here... goodnight." And repeat this with larger intervals... 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, etc... The first night or two might be hard, but then you'll find they'll just go to bed.

I know with my twins, one always slept better so I was afraid the crying twin would wake the other one up. But the one who was sleeping always slept through the crying.

I know it's hard to hear your kids cry, but better to do it around 8:00 at night when you can just sit and put the TV on as a distraction for you, as opposed to hearing them cry at 3:00 am.... that's always much harder.

Good luck and keep us posted! Oh, and here's the link to the video "your baby can sleep."

http://www.cyberbabymall.com/80593.html

Hi P.--Its really important to put the to sleep awake, or they will continue to have sleep issues. There are some great books--mark weissbluth has a method that is a little less harsh than the Ferber stuff. We also have twins, (much younger) and we always put them down awake and even if they fuss, they are always happy to see us the next morning! My husband had to hold me the one night they kept crying, but that was it--one night. We NEVER picked them up unless they needed changing or were clearly in whole other level of distress, but would go in, put our hand on their chest, shush them, give them a pacifier, and then leave quickly. While it seems cruel, its more of a disservice to them to not teach them how to go to sleep. The books are really good at explaining why.
Good luck, and see if you can move your husband forward on this! (you might want to ask if he's planning on rocking 5 year olds to sleep ;)
good luck P.!

hi P.;

i nursed my son to sleep till he was 2.5 and still nurse my daughter to sleep and she is 21 months; so i know what you're going through and what your husband is going through.

while some moms are very lucky to have babies that are willing to go to sleep on thier own, it's very unusual, and don't let anyone tell you that your situation is your fault or abnormal. al this business of 'sleep on thier own' and sleep schedules is excessively pushed on moms and dads and it's very unfair. it's totally normal for many babies to need to be helped to sleep.

i would strongly agree with your husband that you should not tolerate the crying. while i don't really believe in sleep training, from what i have heard and learned, you may have missed the window for crying it out. my friend with 3 daughters let them cry before 1 yr and got it to work with 2 out of 3. the 3rd just wouldn't stop crying and is 2 and gets cuddled to sleep. my son is over 3 and i still cuddle him to sleep.

the thing about crying it out is that it's really dangerous. and it's just as dangerous for an older baby as for a younger; i tried to let my son cry one or two times and he cried till he threw up. babies can aspirate the vomit and choke. they can go into respiratory arrest. how this mode of doing things has become the expectation is beyond me; but i think your husband has great instincts. he is home with those girls and i would take his word for it if i were you; in fact you're lucky to have such a compassionate man in your family.

ask your self the real reason you want the girls to go to sleep on thier own right now; is it necessary? is it ruining your nights? are they not sleeping well? i would say to you, if you have something that work, don't change it. if it ain't broke don't fix it, as they say.

i promise you that the girls will go to sleep on thier own when they are ready. it could be a long time from now. but the great thing about twins is that they will be so close, they'll probably be whispering and giggling and reading together till they go to sleep at night before you know it.

lots of luv,
J.

Dear P.,

Letting your children cry it out to fall asleep can work wonders if it is done the proper way. It was extremely difficult for me to do as well so I understand where your husband is coming from. My husband literally had to hold me down even though we were both in agreement we needed to do it. My daughter at one point would be up 5 times a night looking for someone to put her back to sleep. Try to tell your husband that you understand how hard it is to hear them cry, but in the long run you are teaching them to rely on themselves for comfort. Self soothing is a wonderful gift you can give your children for independence, and trust me they will not hate you in the morning. When I did the cry it out method I started at nap time as well this way I was consistent. Make sure you go in every five to ten minutes and let them see you are still there, do not talk to them just lay them back down, say night night, and leave (prepare yourself they are going to be mad). It will probably at their age go on the first night for an hour, the second half the time, the third maybe fifteen minutes, and the fourth night you should have two sleeping babies. Try to understand where your husband is coming from, letting your kids cry it out is not easy for everyone. Also, you have to be consistent, if you try it and take them out the only message you are teaching them is that if they keep crying someone will eventually come to take them out and the crying will go on even longer. If you are determined to do it and your husband cant stand it tell him to go out for a while for the three nights it will take and you may have to do it alone. Good luck!!!

I too have twin boys they are now 17 months old and I too used to rock them to sleep. At about 14 or 15 months I stopped rocking them to sleep. I do dinner, baths, play time and then at about 8:30 I say "Ok, time for diapers and bed." They say goodnight to Mom and I taken them into their room, change their diapers, put them in their respective cribs, give them each a bottle of milk, kiss them goodnight, I also, put the TV on to "sprout" a little kids channel and I turn out the light and close the door. Usually within 1/2 hour they are both sound asleep. I shut off the TV and take their bottle away. They sleep through the night. When I first started doing this, I didn't do it gradually, I just did it as described above. I am not a fan of the cry it out method. I find that just frustrates them more.