Help with a Snotty 8 Year-old

I think that if this child feels that he is being treated unfairly or talked to rudely, then you need to address that first. You pretty much admit to treating him rudely because you say that even when you are not frustrated...yadda yadda.

I hate to admit it, but I am not always really nice to my children....I know, some of you probably are thinking...no....REALLY?! LOL. Seriously, it sounds like the 2 of you both need to sit down with a long talk and hammer out a restart plan.

Time to get tough-take away toys and priviledges, enforce groundings etc. "to whom much is given, much is required". When he learns that respect is required of him if he wants things, then he can get those things back-make sure to let him understand that it is up to HIM whether or not he gets what he wants. Though spanking is discouraged usually, or only as a last resort, you may have to do it if all else fails, I always say, no more than a hand on the bottom, and never do it in anger, only as a means to truly teach discipline and consequence.

One word.. Grounded! better nip it in the bud now before this becomes a way of life. Grounded (to me) means, no TV, no friend time, no video games, no cell phone and no fun toys in the bedroom. If he cops and attitude, send him to his boring room (stripped of all fun things) until HE decides to get a better attitude. Stay consistent. Do this every single time, no warnings. He'll get the picture pretty quick. Remind him that kids who act this way may not get the Christmas they were hoping for and be ready to back up your words. Last, don't yell at him or talk harshly back to him. All he'll understand from that is you are acting that way so why can't he? Good luck.

I recommend the book "Have a New Kid By Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman! Some ideas I picked up from the book that might help you (in my own words, here):

1. You cannot be rude or snotty to your child if you don't want him to learn that behavior. You are his role model. Learn to catch yourself if you're being rude, and APOLOGIZE when necessary (yes, even to your child). Sometimes we as parents do have to be blunt, or say/do things our kids don't like, but we can still be respectful about it. Would you speak to someone else's child that way?

2. Stop responding when he is rude or snotty to you. Do not answer his questions, do not yell, do not argue with him, and do not be rude back. Just calmly say, "I don't like the way you're speaking to me right now. We can discuss it when you can use a more respectful tone." Then walk away. Repeat as necessary. When he can speak respectfully to you, THEN he'll get a response.

3. If he does not change his tone for the better after you've walked away (see #2), then later, when HE wants something from you (video game time, a new toy, a ride to a friend's house, a snack before dinner, or whatever), calmly tell him, "No." And again, just walk away. Don't explain unless/until he asks.

If he follows and wants to know why, tell him it's because you don't like the tone he used earlier (be specific, but don't hold it over his head, either).

The catch: EVEN IF/WHEN HE APOLOGIZES, do not give in on this consequence! Accept the apology, and be willing to say "yes" next time if he behaves well next time... but THIS time around, losing a priveledge or missing out on something is a consequence of his actions, so do not give him a ride to his friend's (or whatever) just because he said "I'm sorry." Otherwise, he'll think he can still be rude, and he'll only have to say "sorry" when he wants something later!

Kids (and some adults!) need to learn that there are consequences for bad behavior--usually, if you are rude to others, they will not want to do things for you. We need to help them learn that lesson at home! ;-)

But don't explain all of this to him, either--model it instead, in your behavior and responses. Actions speak louder than words. :-)

HTH!
--A.

My son (3 years old) went through a scary/violent anger phase for about 2 weeks. I had psychiatrists lined up and doctors and finally i realized it all started about the time his grandfather nearly died of a heart attack. The stress level in our house was extrememe obviously. Almost by accident I spent an entire day with him just playing with no tasks to run off and do and the behavior changed almost overnight.

In addition to the other ideas about structure, watching our own reactions to things - have the person he is snottiest with spend a day with him - reassure him he is still special and loved because it's probably a test.

Good Morning B., Aren't kids just the funniest things God created? :) they can love you and hate you all at once.

Rudeness usually goes with the territory, not always, just some little people are better at it then others. They mimic those around them alot. I tried really hard not to yell at my son's, they broke me of that silly thought... I swore I would never treat them as my mom did me. That promise I did keep easily. I have 5 gr kids, two youngest 4, 2, I keep daily. I love them to Pieces, no doubt about it. But after turning off the hose 2 times, pulling it out of the sand box, getting them away from the decorator pond, or vacing up fish crackers for the 3rd time, turning off the bathroom sink before it over flows, my voice has a tendency to RISE a level or two.
Corbin always asks me if I am happy again after one of our go a rounds. I tell him Not yet, give me a minute or two.
Then he gives me what he calls choices. One of the choices is, Don't make me Sad Nana SO be nice.. Right Then and There Nana doesn't want to be nice...LOL A preschool teacher I worked for a long time ago told me you can't be their friend right off the bat, you have to be tough to get their attention, then you get softer with time. Those 23 little 3 yr olds about killed me in a week, I couldn't do it alone, and I gave up & quit.. :(

I watched a program last week called 'The Strictest Parents" This family took in 2 kids from bigger cities and brought them to their family farm. Man they were tough but loving. They took everything away from them when they first got there, one outfit only that they approved of. Took their cigs, found the drugs etc. They had a mattress only to sleep on. They had to Earn back there possessions (except the weed and cigs they didn't get back)bedding, dresser, extra clothing, TV, etc.... If they swore they moved hay bales from one place to another. The young man the first night had his mattress removed for refusing to hand over things that were unacceptable in the house. Those kids really straightened up and did really good.

We give our kids Things, we give them their Wants, seldom do we really give them their Needs.
They need Comfort, direction, guidance, a purpose, a role model to show them how to be a good person people want to be around. I am like most Mama's and Nana's I fall short in my own thinking. I could of handled that differently or Geez why did I say that. Sometimes I even over think things. Being snotty and rude is basically a learned behavior. Need to relearn kindness, honesty and earn trust.

Like I said before, Kids are the funniest things God created, they bring laughter, joy, hugs, kisses, all rounded up with attitude of MY way is what I want. I never pray for Patience it only brings trials, I pray for Sanity to Out Last Um" :))

God Bless you B., next he will be driving and the sanity meter Rises faster...:)
K. Nana of 5

8 year old is finding his own. I use to say what I can't hear you when you talk like that try again nicely and maybe I'll hear you. finally dawned on them if you want to spoken to nicely you need to speak nicely to me

I had a friend that when her daughter said something out of place she would say "Excuse me?" With that "did I just hear you say that tone" and she would usually appoligize. I would probably go one better and say "how could you have said that better".
Kids go through this, my 17 year old still has times when he's not very respectful, but now he knows if he's out of line he M. have to stay home on the weekend and he hates that! LOL I once had my kids sit in a circle and say nice things to each other, that was amusing, but ultimately only worked for a while.
You might explain that you are the authority in the house and how you speak to him is not the same way he is to speak to you as you are the one that is there to teach him how to behave and sometimes you have to be blunt and it will always sound bad to him, but he has to listen.
Remember home is where you can let down your defenses, try new things and have someone to talk to, so maybe give him a little leeway, then tell him he's talked rude to everyone enough, if he still feels irritated maybe it's time for a nap, that usually works!

I thought it was just a girl thing! I have an 8 year old girl and we are going though the same thing. First off I have told her that I will not be talked to like that. Plain and simple I am her mother and she is not to take ths snotty tone with me. She does with me more than her dad. Also, my hubby has stopped her a couple of times when she was being really nasty and told her that she would not talk to his wife (not her mom, his wife) like that. He told her that he would allow a stranger to treat me like that and he would not allow her to treat me like that. She also has told me that she thought that we treated her younger sister more special. So we sat down, just me and her and I had her tell me why she felt like she did and asked her to talk to me and not be nasty to me. She still has her moments, but I have just made a rule that when the ugliness comes out they go to their rooms, I will not listen to snottiness, whining or anything of the sort. So when it starts they go to their room. They are welcome to talk to me about how they feel if they think I'm being unfair or treating one better than the other. But do not be nasty to me. Then once we have talked I do my best to correct what they tought they I was doing wrong. I think that sice I invited both girls to tell me what they are tinking feeling it has helped. The oldest has come to me several times and asked to talk and then we come to a soultion. But for about the first month she went to that room on a daily basis for her little mouth and still does about once a week. Not perfec but getting better. Good luck and God Bless.

You are a very busy mom with all those ages! My best wishes go to you! Penny in the pot may work-that is he receives so many pennies upon what you deem appropriate and work from there. Everytime he's rude he must put a penny into the pot.
Sames goes for anyone else. It helps to remind ourselves how we speak to our family. When you're tired and frustrated I understand it's hard not to take up a tone. Also, he may just need a bit more attention whereby you take him somewhere special without the other children and spend time only with him. He may just need a break from all the commotion.

I found the more sharp, rude not firm, I was with my kids they responded back the same. You need to 'do unto others as you would they do unto you'. But you are the parent so you then have to discipline their actions and it seems unfair if they see nothing change in your behavior to them. Sit down and admit you have not been kind enough, ask for their help when you slip up in a respectful way, and then set rules and tell them what they can expect when they slip up. You may want to remove a privilege or whatever you decide. Then stick to it on your end and in following through on his action you decided on. In a short time you should both be much happier. He is the oldest so he is setting the pattern for those watching him and you need to stop this before it goes to the other 3 kids.