Help with 19 Month Olds Hitting.

hi M.,

i also have an energetic and fearless 19 month old son (maybe they should meet) and i wonder how much of any person's personality is what he came into this world with and how much is our nurturing him. either way, i'll share with you what we've been doing when it comes to sharing and hitting...

our son is a great sharer (he actually offers toys to other kids) and it may be because early on we played the "share" game. i knew this was a word that was going to come up often from toddlerhood on and it really affects the likeability of children so introduced the concept as early as possible. at home, away from the heat/ tension of the playground, my husband and i would demonstrate sharing to him and then we tried with our little one... "will you SHARE that with me? can i have it please?" he hands the toy over, mommy looks very happy, says a big "thank you", pretends to play with it for a second and then gives it back. 2 things were key: 1)showering him with praise for handing the toy over and 2)the giving back of the toy. we gradually took longer and longer to give it back but he knew that mommy would always return it to him so sharing didn't mean losing a plaything.

about hitting: although he hasn't been prone to hitting other children he does occassionally hit mom and dad. i notice that it happens most when he's tired or overwrought. my husband and i took very different approaches to this when this started happening (4 or 5 months ago)--my husband would immediately become stern with him, lower his voice and scold him about the hitting. that only made our little one more upset and hit again in retaliation. so we scrapped that technique. i pretend that i am deeply hurt that he hit me. he's a compassionate little guy so this resonates with who he is and he responds to this better... he'll come over and apologize and nuzzle his head into my lap- he actually feels the consequences to hitting.

if that doesn't work, bcs sometimes he doesn't take us seriously and laughs it off, we'll refuse to play with him. sometimes, we'll march him out of our vicinity (say to the next room over) and tell him that we're not playing with him because he hit. we'll only resume playing once he has understood that there is "no hitting" and he apoloizes to whomever he hit.

it sounds like you are employing consequences to the hitting but i wonder 2 things:
1) are you consistent about it?
2) is he aware that these are consequences to an action he did?

i've seen a lot of parents let the smaller hits "slide", not taking them seriously, and then get really upset with the child when the child has pushed on that boundary hard enough. i feel it's important to nip this behavior in the butt at first sight so i don't relax about the no hitting policy.

i hope this helped.

Hello,I read your request and I couldnt help but respond.I had a similar problem with my son when he was younger,he didnt play nicely with other children when we were at a park or any environment that involved other children.I also would find myself leaving early or even prefering there be no other children at the park,so I wouldnt have to feel uncomfortable,due to his behavior.He was very active (hyper),and wouldnt listen when I would tell him "no",or repremand him.It is hard,and you wonder if its something you're doing wrong as a parent.I often wondered if people thought that I was raising my son up to have no manners,or maybe I was just as rude.Believe me,I understand exactly how you feel.I'm not saying that this is the case with your little one,but by the time my son was three,they diagnosed him with ADHD.It was a hard pill to swallow,but suddenly,all his awkward behavior,made sense.He is 7 now and he does much better.We go to so many different places in the summer and I dont have to worry anymore about him acting inapropriatly around other chilren.He still fights with his younger sister,but I feel like thats normal :) I hope I helped you in some way,sometimes,knowing that someone is going through,or went through the same thing,really helps.I know you are an at home mom,but you should think about putting him in more activities where he is around other children,maybe he acts that way because its something new to him.Your profile says that he is your only child,he isnt used to having to share toys,because all of his toys are just his,there is no one there trying to take his toys away.When he goes to any activity where there are other children,he all of a sudden has to give up a toy that he is playing with because he has to share..............its something new to him,and I'm sure he will eventually get the hang of it.I hope everything works out for you!!!!!

Hi M.
Don't get upset. Many children go through these type of phases. Your son is still young and just has to learn. The other parents should understand when this happens. You just need to keep being persistent on your actions. Time outs are good and try to talk to him while you are doing this to try to make him understand. It may take awhile but hang in there. I went through this with one of my three and I would just keep telling her she needs to be nice, no hitting. I would take her hand and stroke it against mine and tell her be nice and show her this way. He is still young so be patient. Being around other kids is the best thing for him so don't deprive him of that. If other parents give you a bad look, ignore them. You're doing the best you can. It's not like he's 10 and doing this. Good luck and enjoy your time with him.

My daughter is also a hitter. She's now 2 1/2 and the hitting incidences have decreased as her ability to express herself has increased. It's incredibly frustrating and embarrassing! I've found with her that if she gets hungry or tired, her frustration level increases quickly and she will resort to hitting. Time out lets her know that she can't hit, however when she's frustrated, she resorts to the only way she knows how to express herself. I keep telling her that if she gets mad, come to me and I will help. I honestly believe it's a personality thing. She's been this way since the day she was born. I just have to remain calm to model the behavior I'd like her to have, which she will learn over time. I've talked with other parents of hitters and they all say that between the age of 3 and 4, when they can think before they act, the hitting stops. Unfortunately, until then, you'll have to plan your playdates around his nap schedules and leave early when you see that look in his eye...you know, the one where the other kids should duck for cover!

At my play group their was a 18 month old that would hit, push and take toys away from the other kids. But I noticed that she never tried it with my daughter. I wondered why she would do it with all the other kids and not her. The play group coordinator came up with a reason. Maybe the 18 mth old saw my daughter as an older kids and looked up to her(my daughter is tall for her age).
It got to the point where she would only play nice with my daughter and another taller kid at they play group.
She doesn't hit any more so it could be a phaze that your baby is going though