Help! Pulling My Hair Out in Winter Haven

You should talk to first his doctor then the guidance couciler. These two forces should give you medical and behavioral guildance. When I was 12, my grades were terrible and I was slipping behind. My parents did this, and got me the help I needed. Try this and see if you can get some guidelines. To be honest it's better to get professional help for matters like this. He might need to be tested for behavioral or psychological issues. Coming from a LD student, it will be a matter of how he treats society later in life. So the best gift you can give him is help. You both have to be on board with this, though. And following thru is EXTREMELY important. Good luck! Jen PS. My parents had me tested at HOPE HAVEN in JAX, FL.

Boy does my heart go out to you! My second oldest daughter (age 14) is much the same way. Screams that she hates me, wishes she was somewhere else, that her whole family "sucks" and on and on it goes. She is currently failing 9th grade not because she can't do the work but because I make her do the work and then she won't turn it in (ooooh boy!) Most of the time she can reduce me to tears with her outbursts. It also disrupts the entire family and really reduces a nice day to a crappy one. I too have tried everything, including time with me alone (going to the movies or out to eat - monthly date night with her, that kind of thing), taking stuff away, rewards and NOTHING helped. She just doesn't care about any of it. No one understood and for years I knew something was very wrong (like from the age of 2 or so). Most recently, the school called me to come down because she has cut marks on her arms from "cutting". The very nice SRO (school resource officer) told me I could take her to Lakeside Alternatives (on Mercy Drive) and have her tested at the intake center for free. From that intake interview, she now goes to group therapy every week (she looks forward to it) and also has one on one therapy and also a medication therapist. My biggest fear was that they would quickly label her and start her on meds but so far they are being very thorough and very careful because they really want to treat the correct issue here. So, maybe you could talk to the SRO at your son's school or even just take him over to Lakeside Alternatives to get him evaluated. They are VERY nice over there but you do have to follow up and be persistent to make sure your son gets the appointments he needs. Also, they are there 24 hours a day. Hope this helps!

It sounds like your son has what is called Oppositional Defiant Disorder. You should seek counseling for him and for your family.

http://aacap.org/page.ww?name=Children+with+Oppositional+...

Hello J.,

I'm a 32 year old mother of two boys as well !!!!! I have a 6 year old and and a 17 month old and have a full-time job ,husband ,My younger goes to work with me . Dicipline and Respect start at home when they are babies !!!Not when they turn 1,2,3, or 4 !!!! I adore My boys and i'm sure you love yours , you sound very frustrated. First and foremost My boys know that MON & DAD are the BOSS !!!!! THey Rspect us, Your 10 year old son is sreaming for ATTENTION !!! You CANNOT give Kids whatever they want when he want it !!!!! For Example I don't buy Toys during the year Only on his birthday or Christmas only!!! We can go to the store and he might ask for a toy and my answer would be No !! I explain to him that he already have a lot of toys !! In order to get a new toy we most donate one , And it stays like that (It is about been firm on your word & been Persisting ) !!!! When he does good in school we have special treats like going to his favorite place( WANNA DO CITY) or helping me make his favorite meal. I was not born in this country My father was Cuban( I was born in Panama) and he was very strict with me !!!! I'm not as strict with my boys but I do practice tough love !!!! I try to take as much TIME as possible to do things with them !!! When my younger son was born my older boy got jealous ( which is normal, he had all the attention for 4 1/2 years and he has a brother that needs attention too ) !!!! One thing that really bother me was that you said , YOU WERE READY TO SEND HIM AWAY !!!!!! AWAY TO WHERE ???? He is your child and he is your reasponsibility , You can't give up on him ( because that is how it seems )!!!! You most have PATIENCE ,PATIENCE , I know is not easy !!!!! YOu cannot give-up on your child , If you give-up on him so who does he trust or confine in !!!! I know you love them you are very fruatrated though !!!! I'm not a phsycologist or a therapist or anything like that , I'm just a mom like you that wants the very best for their kids , I hope my tips can help you in anyway if you would like my personal e-mail , I will give it to you if you like .

Sincerly,

A.

Hi J.,

Time to quit being his friend and start being his mother. You are NOT a Bad Mom! You can't buy his love with "stuff"! Kids don't need all this stuff that is around these days. My kids have computers and even game boys. They loose them if necessary. All kids really need is love, food, clothes and shelter. Are you able to spend any quality time with him? How about Dad and him? A nice reward for good behavior would be going to the movies, but he has to earn it. A point for being good to his baby brother,etc. Along with points, I started using the 123 method of discipline. First "offense",(such as he asks for something and you say no and keeps asking) you say "that's one", second time, "that's two", the third "that's three" and he gets 10 minutes of time out. No arguing, just straight to time out. Get a chair, some place that is always the time out area, but not isolated. I put chair in the kitchen so they can see the timer. It has worked quite well! Explain what you are going to do so he knows what to expect and then follow through. I realized that I was giving them too many chances of "next time you do this or I come in there..." so we all make mistakes! Sending him away won't solve anything and only cause him to harbor anger towards you. If you take him somewhere and he acts out, don't give in. There is a tv timer that costs about $99 and is completely worth the cost--you control the time he can watch tv and even give him his own code. When the time runs out for the week, that's it and starts over then next week. Sure, he's going to fight and not want limits. Keep at it. (it's called TV Allowance-they should still have a website, so do a google)
The key to any discipline method is consistency, so whatever you try, give it a month to change his behavior. That's how long it takes to modify behavior! I'm not an expert on Pysch, but he might have a problem that requires counseling, so get him evaluated just in case. Good luck!

J.,

I am a middle school teacher and see this type of behavior in some of my students. The key is to not give up! Meet with his teachers, request the guidance counselor and an administrator to be there; ask if there are any services the school offers. Also, a couple of years ago I had a parent take away her son's "designer" clothes and replace them with generic brands, it REALLY worked.

This is a really tough age to work through. Another suggestion would be to make the parent conference each time you move and then continue you them on a quarterly basis if you feel it is needed. And try to accentuate the positive as much as possible. He's enjoying the negative attention way too much!

I know you are a good mother because you are seeking help for your son. Good luck!

Wow, girl. How about trying to send him to one of those summer things? Where they are at some time of survival camp or something? Not sure what they have in your area but you could probably call juvenile justice and they would tell you. I once had a friend who acted a lot like your son and his mom sent him away, let me tell you. It was a long hard summer for him but in the end, he learned respect, how to cope, how to get along with his peers, etc. Good luck, it cant be easy. Also, do you have him/you on insurance? They may pay for some type of counseling. I would look into the survival camp thing, it sounds perfect for you little one. And dont worry about the bad mom stuff. I know you are stressed to the max, who wouldnt be?! You are doing a great job by reaching out. Not sure what you husband does for a living but is there any way he could become stationary for a few years as well. I moved around a lot as well and school and making friends was really hard for me. Good luck, and remember, a warm bath and a glass of wine does wonders-LOL!

It does sound like counseling may be the thing for your son.
At the same time, you may want to get a book called '1-2-3 Magic' It is a book about disciplining children from the ages of 3 to 13. The method the author describes is very effective and can be used at home and in school. The thing I liked best about it was that it gets you out of the cycle of screaming at your child (and him screaming at you!). If both you and your husband use the technique together, I think you will see an improvement in your son...
Good luck...

Jen you are not a terrible mother, he needs to be professionaly seen by a mental health professional. Believe it or not I was the same way from like 9-13, until I went to see a therapist, and my life changed. I do not remember the exact actions now, i barely remembered them back then, but being able to express my anger and frustration in another way made my family life so much better. I am now a well adjusted mommy and thank God that it is not genetic! Seriously though, he needs to see someone becfause it is in HIM, not in YOU, and it needs to be fixed soon. I hope it works out for you.~~~K.

IM no expert or anything but I was that age not too long ago and sometimes when children act out it is there way of wanting attention. Obviously the material things don't matter to him. Does he get one on one time with either parent? If not try that... Possiby let him know that he still is important and try to help him adapt to the new environment. I can kind of relate because my mom was in the miliitary and we moved around alot and often times they just want attention maybe go see a movie together just the two of you or make a day every week were you and him just do something together or maybe with dad alone too things like that really help.. just remember dont try to buy his happiness that is the worst.. well hope this helps..

my son is 12 and i've struggled with his behavior for a very long time. i finally broke down and had him evaluated by a psychiatrist about 3 years ago and they said he had ADHD and also ODD which is Opposition Disposition Disorder. if i say the sky is blue, he would disagree. we put him on medication and his behavior did get better. not perfect by any means, but better. maybe you could try that. i'm not big on meds at all, but i also didn't want his life and ours to be a constant nightmare.

best of luck to you.

I once saw on TV (Dr Phil or something?) a drastic solution where EVERYTHING was taken away and had to be earned back. Even though you say he is not spoiled, he may have developed a sense of entitlement -- I’m starting to see this in my own kids (though no behavior problems yet, but they do think they are entitled to have the things they have and do the fun things we do, rather than know it is all a privilege, not a right). In this drastic program, literally everything except the mattress of the bed was taken away. The child has 4 walls (NO DOOR- take it off hinges- privacy is not a privilege, but a right to be earned) and a bare mattress. No sheets on the bed. No pillow. No blanket. No dresser full of clothes (clean clothes are given daily- choosing what to wear is a privilege to be earned). I don’t think something this drastic should be done without a professional assisting you-- I could easily see it backfiring where he could try to run away- don’t know if he has anywhere to go, but if you say he leaves the house and comes back when he wants to, then he must be going somewhere, right? Of course at age 10 he can‘t survive on his own and would return, but it would be scary if he didn‘t come home, even for one night if he slept at a park or something (Although if he did that, you could get police involved)…. Here’s the thing--- something is obviously terribly wrong. If he is 10 and violent against his sibling and completely ignores you when you discipline, he needs help. More importantly than him getting “counseling” is you and your husband getting professional assistance on how to handle him.

I want to recomend a parenting class that I just took called Redirecting Childrens Behavior. It was incredibly insiteful and my sons behavior has gotten much better just within the 5 weeks of taking the class. The class is 5 weeks long on Sunday afternoons. If you are interested email me at ____@____.com and I will forward you all the details. From your email I think this is exactly what you need. You will get an understanding of why your child is misbehaving and what you can do to change it around. It is well worth it!!!!
Please dont hesitate to email me.
J.

Hi J.,

I am not an expert but I am a Mom. Sometimes when kids want attention they do anything and everything to get it. Be it good or bad behavior. I have two older daughters and one very young one. I worked full time with the two oldest. I know things can be crazy after working all day. But, try to spend one on one time with him. Ask, him to help prepare dinner with you. Also, I found that when I would take my oldest one's to do charity for others they found out how good they really have it. To this day they still help out where it is needed. I hope that this may help. I know alot of people think he needs a doctor or some treatment. Just give him hugs instead of gifts for awhile to see if he comes around. Good luck to you and your family......K.

First of all- YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER! You make sure that your child has clothes, food and a roof over his head. This is more than a lot of parents are doing now days.
In reference to school, have you tried possibly to have him put in a slef-contained class? This may help him to get indivualized help and could help to improve his overall school carrer. Another thing I noticed you said was that he gets everything that he wants. You can not buy a childs repsect or love. So stop buying him things for a while- tell him no and mean it.Don't give in no matter how guilty he makes you feel. You'r going to have to be forceful about this at the beginning, but make sure to tell him how much you love him and how proud of him you are when he makes the right choices. Positive reenforcements work sort of like reverse physochology. Use them, but don't over do it.
I have a child like this, he's 7, so I know some of what you'r going through. Good luck and remember that you are not a bad mother!

Hi J.,
I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time. Everyday of parenting brings about new challenges doesn't it. It is so good of you to seek help and try to learn more! Keep it up and don't give up. :)
I just bought a book that I heard so many wonderful things about...it's called 1,2,3..Magic. I tried it on my very own hard to control son. I have had incredible results. No more frustration and anger on my part and no more talking battles. It is easy to read and helps you handle and diffuse battles quickly - leading to more time spent having fun with your kids.
I wish you the best and I am sure that you have the strength and the love to follow through.
Sincerely,
C.

First of all you are not a terrible mother -you must never say that to yourself or your children; because they form their opinions based on what you think and say. So let's stop that right away. You are a loveing mother who is doing her best that's what you need to tell yourself and your son. Obviously, it's hard for anyone to tell you what to do when we only know 1 paragraph of your life. Watching Super Nanny you see her deal with these issues by sitting a child down and letting them know that as of today things are going to change, and explain what is no longer excepatble and what the consequenses will be - every child has something or some privilage they do not want taken away. Set up a routine, write a schedule you can follow so he knows what to expect and maybe ask for his imput with it to find out what things are important to him in his day ( and maybe he'll give a clue as to what is important to him so you will know what to take away if he does not follow the rules). Praise, Praise, Praise if he says mom please may I.... respond positively and thank him for using good manners. Catch him being good and praise him for it. Try to spend even a half an hour alone with him, read, write, color, talk even watch a movie, play a board game just give him some one on one time. With the moving.. you are his constant, you are the thing that remains consistent in his life so focus on that and the good you do. You can let him know here is where we are.. we need to work on these things and I wnat to make our relationship stronger because I love you. I wish you the best, I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Please stop beating yourself up and just do the best you can, and love yourself too.

J.--

I don't know what your spiritual leanings are; but along with counseling or whatever else you try, you might want to find a good church that's compatible for you and your husband, and that also has a strong teen/preteen program. Call around; ask how often that age group meets, if they have an actual program or just social get-togethers (listening to lessons geared toward his age from a great youth pastor would really take him far); how many kids are currently attending these programs, and what the youth pastor is like. Don't approach this as trying to force him into a new mold--it'll backfire right away. But at the very least, if he makes new friends this way, there's a better chance that he'll be hanging out with positive influences when he's with them. Same goes if he confides in the pastors or the other parents. Going to church--or even working in one--doesn't make anyone perfect; but, aside from those occasional extreme circumstances that the news media loves to blow up all over the place, you'll find that there's generally an understood baseline of moral standards, commitment, patience, and respect. He just might find a refuge there for whatever he's going through, and some better attitudes just might rub off on him. Plus, someone recommended volunteer work--well there you go!!! Perfect setting to get involved!

My church (Mosaic, in Oakland) has really shown me how well this can work. Although it's tiny and has only just gotten started with its jr. high programs, I've come to really admire the mutual acceptance and support among all the members of its teen program, in spite of their differences. I'm humbled by the wisdom of many of their parents, and I'm amazed at the way Pastor Allen uniquely ministers to this age group. No doubt he's seen some lives and families transformed under his guidance. And there are plenty of churches who could claim similar victories.

Obviously, the Oakland area is a bit too far away; but I hope you'll be inspired to seek out a place like this in your area, whatever your denomination might be. Don't be afraid to shop around; don't put it off till you're "settled" (God has given me that lesson again and again--LIVE WHERE YOU ARE!)--and if you find a great place, only to face yet another move, be sure to ask around in case anyone has recommendations for where you're going.

Seriously, this would be good for the whole family. And as your darling boy hits that age where everything's YOU vs. the ideal, you need to set yourself up to be the best you can be, with your words and actions matching up 100%. (Come on, we all remember what that was like!)

--Oh, and one more excellent note from a friend of mine. She confesses that she was a total nightmare as a teen, frustrating and scaring her mother to no end. Her mother never gave up praying for her all those years, but here's the key: when she prayed, she always THANKED God for what He was going to help her daughter BECOME. Have faith, and don't give up! "Her children will rise up and call her blessed."--Proverbs 31:28

Although I cant say I am going through the same thing, I have a sister who sounds like they have similar behavioral issues. My sister is now 21, and has not changed, gotten worse if anything. Dont blame yourself, first of all. I would suggest taking him to therapy, and letting him go by himself and also you might need to homeschool him, or have someone come to yuor home and homeschool him. If you are moving around a lot, it can have a lot to do with it. Homeschooling is one thing that wont change even if you move to a new home. My family moved a lot due to my father being in the military and it was hard at times, and we did get homeschooled for a little while. It may or may not help, but it might be an option or something to look into to give him stability and something to count on. And I suggest therapy because maybe something has happened that he hasnt told anyone about and he is trying to act like it never happened. I also say that from family experience. Dont blame yourself, its good you are asking because you need to know there is help and to do what you can before it is too late.

I wish I could reach out and give you a hug!! I know you could probaly use one.
I dont really have any advice, I have 3 boys also. 13, 2, and 1.
You have some good advice on here, and some things that I would check out. Something may have happened to him that he doesnt want to talk about, and hes acting out. Or there is something more going on. I would try to get him to some sort or Dr, to see where you could take him for Behavorail issues.
My 2 yr old has Down Syndrome and I had one, she pointed out a lot of things that I needed to work on to help my son. Does this makes sense...it will help! Trust me.
Maybe a Dr could diagonse him also.
Good Luck
L.

J.,

I have no great ideas or wisdom, I am just a mother who wanted to tell you how very sorry I am for your situation. It must be extremely hard on not only you but your son. It takes so much out of you to be that angry all the time. I did read a few of the other responses & seeking proffesional's help is always a great place to start. I do not believe in medicating children as a rule, but I just started doseing my 12 year old for ADHD, he decided to try to flunk his first year in Middle School. Life is just hard sometimes & does not always go as planned or even hoped.

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PARENT!!!! A bad parent would not be trying to fix the problem. Stressfull situations make us feel like we are failing, but anytime we are lovingly helping our children, we are GREAT parents.

Good Luck & God Bless You.