Help - My Mom and Her Boyfriend Have Broken Up, and She's Calling Me for Advice.

tricky.

I would refer her to a counselor. Then you talk with her about how COUNSELING is going..... not the relationship.

FWIW.... I do think it's valid for you to bring up that you have known a "friend" who was in a relationship with an alcoholic and general wisdom says this generic advise... yada yada yada... insert advise here. But I would avoid making it personal because if she does get back with him.... now you are stuck, like you said.

I also think it's valid for you to say that you think living on her own might be good for HER so that she can get some confidence.

Good Luck.

Instead of placing the blame on him, place it on his disease (where it belongs). Then it's not opinion, it's fact.
Advise your mom that the relationship could continue once he's back on the wagon--but she needs to have her eyes open to the reality of relapse.
Advise her to go to Alanon.
Good luck!

I would. But I would be very careful about HOW I said it.
First off, I would open with "I just want to say this because I care about you. I also want you to know that I support your decision regardless of what it is, and that I will never make trouble if/when you decide to get back together."
Then I would ask if she has had any thoughts about their relationship, where she sees it going and gently ask if she's afraid to be alone. It's always best to *ask* if fear is her motivator.
If you can do it gently, with love & empathy, it should be fine. Remember, she watched you date guys that she probably thought were wrong for you too!
Good luck!

Yes-he actually did her a favor-she just doesn't see that right now. I hope she can work on living on her own for a while- she just might be surprised-and she also just might like not being terrorized by a drunk who is daring her to "fix him". She could sooner form an alliance with a roomful of serpents.
All the best to your mom.

Your mother is afraid of living alone? You could mention - or file away in your own mind for future reference - that the main qualification for a woman who wants to have a man is that she doesn't *have* to have a man.

I would not tell her what to do, however, unless she asks. Talking about a situation is one thing and asking for help is entirely another.

Tell her your opinion. She deserves better.

You might be totally right, but that doesn't mean she's ready to listen to any advice she doesn't want to hear.
It's entirely possible this whole thing blows over and they'll still be together when it's over.
If you speak against him now, it could be awkward.
If the break up is permanent, she might find a new boyfriend fairly quickly.
Be sympathetic but tell her a break from men might be a good thing for awhile.
If she wants companionship maybe she should try getting a dog.
If she looks at the break up not as a tragedy but an opportunity for the freedom to make her choices and take her time, she might enjoy a period of personal growth.

Boy, she's lucky. He was drunk, took her car and what was probably an open bottle, and drove. He could have hit someone and then HER insurance would be on the hook.

Maybe you should tell her THAT rather than good riddance.

I hope he won't come back, but I bet that he will. Perhaps you should tell her that next time he demands her car when he's drunk, she should get in the car and drive away without him and go stay in a motel so that he can sober up.

I do hope that she will realize that she CAN live alone. I'm sorry she ended up with this guy.

Dawn

Alcohol can turn the best person to evil. Perhaps your mother needs Al-anon, so she can better understand the disease of alcoholism. Then she can make her own decision to leave or not.

My father was an alcoholic and fell off the wagon numerous times. My mother married him 3 times before he married someone else and then passed away. The fit of rage in an alcoholic is incredible and then flip the coin and they are the best of people. I have been married to my husband for 16 years yesterday and he is a recovered alcoholic. I never knew him as a drinker or otherwise, but he has shared it was ugly. AA helps my husband cope with what would be some ugly situations to this day. Recovery without help is a difficult route, although not impossible. If you don't already know, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

I have never attended Al-anon and I know it is not for everyone. I am a reader and researcher (self proclaimed) and read until I feel I have a good understanding of situations. So I don't attend, but feel I get help from my own research.

She may not leave him for good and and that may work for them, but she should learn about the person she is with and understand them.

At the same time, I will point out that the reason he is able to take on his controlling personality is because she allows him to. She hasn't seemed to be independent at any point, so it is likely he has controlled her for most of their relationship. She could probably use a little help with this herself. You can only suggest family counseling to her and it will be up to her to take that advice.

Best wishes.

Absolutely!
I would also have your Mom think about getting some counseling so she can understand why she is afraid of being alone.
Good luck with whatever you do/say and may you both find peace with the situation.

Yes, you do. Even if she gets mad. If you don't and something happens to her, you will never forgive yourself. You have to do what you have to do to be able to live with yourself.