Help! My Daughter Is Playing the "Victim" Constantly!!!!

The responses you've been receiving are great. Before my current job, I was a child therapist and taught parents how to raise kids using Love & Logic. I've also been to Leman's talk on "Have a New Kid by Friday." If you are putting this much time and effort into raising your kids, you are a fantastic mother...even when you raise your voice. We all have what I call "bad mommy moments." I have 5, 7, & 8 year old boys and am a single mom, so I know how it can get. Remember to ask yourself "If I don't fix this problem, who's problem will it be?" If the problem will be your child's, then guide him or her to resolve the problem on his or her own, and let them know that they are solving their own problem. It builds confidence. If they don't want to solve the problem at first, ask them "Do you know what other kids your age might do to solve this problem?" If they take the bait, then you offer hints here and there, but they must be the one to find the solution. This works well with taking responsibility. Responsibility and accountability are traits that are taught (and some kids resist them more than others due to personalities). Your job as a parent is to help your daughter see the connection between her actions/choices and the consequences. Every child has different rewards that work for them. Returning a toy she got for Christmas was a choice, but not a logical one...unless she, for example, broke something and her toys were the only items of value she had. So, the logical consequence would be to use a toy (give it back) in order to pay for the damage. However, in this situation, giving up a toy wasn't a logical consequence of not taking responsibility. She had a choice, brush her teeth or stay home. Help her understand, in order to go outside we must have good hygiene. Not just to prevent trips to the dentist for her, but to keep other kids safe from germs. So, she made a choice. To you, mom, it doesn't matter why. Those are excuses and obstacles she needed to either resolve herself, or seek assistance in resolving. The fact is, you gave her a choice, and she chose not to brush her teeth. Therefore, the logical consequence was for her to stay home. "Oh honey, I'm so sorry you made that choice not to brush your teeth. Mommy wanted you to come with us so badly so we could all have fun. Unfortunately, you will stay home with Daddy and hopefully you can have fun here. Bye sweetie...see you when we get home." This is why parenting is so hard. I'm sure you wanted her to come with you because you didn't want her to miss out on fun. However, you must let children reap what they sow (keeping in mind safety first) and you must help them make the connection between their choices and the outcome. By not getting mad at her and simply letting her know how disappointed you are that she decided not to come, prevents her from putting her anger on you (it's hard to be angry with someone who hugs you on their way out and lets you know how much they wanted her to go). Anyway, this was a long response...sorry. You are doing a GREAT job!! Just remember, if the consequence of not fixing her problem will not affect you, then offer guidance to her to fix her own problem (painted nails and not brushing her teeth...what could she have done to resolve that problem?).

Good luck!!!!

I had a child who told me that if I didn't help him understand his math and get his homework done correctly, it would be my fault if he didn't get an "A". He did not treat me with respect. I was struggling with him on a lot of these issues - which seems to be what is happening with your daughter - so I went to a family counselor. He told me that I was responsible TO teach him, invite him to do what is right, and be an example to him of being responsible, etc., but the HE was RESPONSIBLE FOR his own actions, thoughts, and beliefs. My counselor told me to tell him that HE was responsible for these things, and that I should refuse to help him if he chose not to treat me with respect. So when he expected me to help with Math, and then told me I wasn't doing it right, etc, I told him that he could get his own help. That I had already done Math in school and that HE was responsible for finding help. He was shocked. I told him to ask the school for help. He tried to yell at me for not getting him up to go to tutoring on time, but I told him that I had agreed to take him to school, but he was responsible for getting up on time and making all arrangements. He did make the arrangements, and the whole thing was hard on the whole family, but it worked. He eventually treated me with respect and took responsibility for his actions. He is a GREAT father of three and VERY responsible for what he does.
I wouldn't use the taking the toy away, I would use the YOU are responsible for your own actions. You don't do the right thing, you don't get the outing. You blame me for an injury on the outing, you don't get the next thing... because it is not true. Only people who tell the truth are allowed to ...(whatever you decide). Good luck - and stay strong!

Dr. Kevin Leman, ("Have A New Kid By Friday")says that when you engage in an arguement with a child, you are cooperating with their desire to argue. I strongly suggest you read his book. It is an invaluable tool in helping parents to respond appropriately to their children, without getting pulled into their drama and desire for confrontation. Seriously, it's a great tool! Read it!
It's an easy read and is common sense, practical advice that doesn't require a degree in psychology to understand.

Love and Logic is also a favorite of mine. It may be that you need to not acknowledge her until she chooses to take responsibility. One of the pearls is that when you are not getting the answer you desire, simply refuse to discuss the issue until she is able to show her part in it. Spending time in her room or working on chores or unpleasant consequences can all be used to get her to think abut the issue. She may be stuck in thinking that nothing is her fault, but if you challenge her to find a way that it is her responsibility - and reinforce that it is ok to be wrong because that is how we become better people - you may be able to get a good result. Sometimes I have to tell my kids to get into the solution of the problem rather that sticking in whose fault it is. We all make mistakes but how we grow out of them is what counts. God bless your family.

Maybe sit down and talk to her about lying and what that means. Also narrow down those particular situations to being HER choice, no one elses. It was her choice to go skating, I'm also sure that it was her choice to have her nails painted and not brush her teeth beforehand. Remind her that she is in control of her choices and the outcome ultimately lays on her shoulders, no one elses. You may also need to find what reaches her discipline-wise, apparently it doesn't lie in possesions being taken, one of my kids is the same way. However, if I were to keep her home from a social event that would've gotten through to her. Best wishes with this, let us know how things turn out. I did have one of my kiddos do this same thing, he never wanted to take the responsiblility for his actions, it was always someone else's fault, fortunately he has outgrown this....but for a long time I would have to remind him that he was in control of himself, his actions, and usually the outcome.

I love all the answers you have gotten and hope to try out some of the suggestions as well. I also have a daughter (almost 8) who is reluctant to take responsibility. I try, with her and her 10 year old brother, to link responsibility with privilage. If they're old enough to ride bikes outside, they're old enough to put away shoes, or keep their notebooks/homework clean, etc. If you get a run of whining, take away a "grown up" privilage such as playing at a neighbor's or going skating.

When my kids did this same thing I just changed their thinking and remind them that it is their choice and responsibility. If it turned into a whining, crying, blaming game, I'd put them in time out for their attitude. It seemed to nip this habit in the bud. Then I noticed that I tend to blame others too...OOPS! I've heard great things about Kevin Leman's book but I haven't read it yet. Good luck to you!